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I just wanted to say that I can't relate, but my heart still goes out for you and your family. I hope for the best for everyone in this situation!
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Unfortunately, I can relate. My mom was diagnosed with MDS in '06, which became Leukemia in Dec. '07. She had a bone marrow transplant and was on the road to recovery, but we found out in January that the cancer has returned. I know I can't involve her as much as I would like to, but I try to involve her in the planning as much as I can. Sometimes its really hard to be excited about the wedding because all I really want is for her to be okay.
I just wanted offer my support and encouragement. I'm keeping your family in my thoughts!
My aunt was diagnosed with luekemia in Aug of 01, when her daughter, my cousin was seriously dating a guy. She took a turn for the worse in the spring of '02 and my cousin got engaged. She ended up passing away in August of '02 and didn't make it to see her only daughter's wedding in June of '03. It was a very difficult time for our family, but my cousin wasn't in the frame of mind to get married when she was helping her mom through the last stages of cancer, so it was just too hard to try to plan something quick just so my aunt could see it.
I'm sorry to sound morbid, just wanted you to know I care, and I know it's a tough situation. think it's important enough that your mom knows you are happy and are getting married. But I hope she gets better very soon and goes into remission! Keep her involved in your wedding planning, it may help keep her mind off things if you involve her in everything.
Hugs, prayers and thoughts go out to you!
I'm so sorry! Its never a good time to get a diagnosis like that...especially when trying to plan a wedding.
I haven't dealt with cancer coming back, but my Dad was recently diagnosed. He has started chemo and radiation, and so far he is handling it OK...I think mostly because he is trying to keep a positive attitude.
It has definitely made planning harder...mostly because, like e.louise, I just want him to be OK. The flowers and the cake just don't seem as important compared to having him there. I know that both my parents aren't as available to help with the planning as we would all want to be, but thats OK - the wedding has really given him something to look forward to and be excited about.
I'm sure your mom is so happy and proud that her daughter is marrying a wonderful man. It sounds like you are still waiting to hear a final diagnosis...so maybe once you know you can decide what to do about your wedding plans (we thought about moving ours back, but instead he is just going to get his next round of chemo the monday after the wedding). Also, keep in mind that in difficult times, people find extraordinary strength...I'm sure that your mom can and will get through this! I think that the best thing you can do is be there for her, and stay focused on the positive. Even though this is a really tough time for your family, it is still a time for celebration of love and life!
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. As if wedding planning wasn't already stressful, this has opened up so many more emotions. I am trying to be optimistic and hope for the best, and enjoy the moment.
@tag- I'm so sorry you are going through this.
One of my friend's moms had ovarian cancer throughout the time that we were in college and just afterward. I think she went into remission 4 times. We saw each remission as a gift and spent as much quality time with her as we could. She was truly, truly an amazing woman.
Enjoy the time where she is in remission and try not to think too much about what might be... So that you don't spoil what you have.
I'm wishing you and your mom the best, and hopeful that she is able to participate in all the planning, dress shopping, and excitement.
Hugs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I can't imagine how hard it is to have what should be the happiest time in your life intersecting with what could be one of the saddest.
Did you catch Mrs. Pineapple's recent post? Her MIL died shortly after their wedding. They were so concerned about having her there, that they had a small and intimate civil ceremony a few months in advance in case she wasn't able to be there for the original date.
http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/03/12/love-again-loved-always/#more-86448
My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after my cousin was engaged. They decided to postpone the wedding until my aunt finished treatment. Then, my aunt passed away as a result of complications from treatment 6 months before my cousin's wedding. It was a total shock, because my aunt had a clean bill of health, having finished the chemo and radiation, so wedding planning was underway. It turned out that she had an infection in her heart, the symptoms of which were masked by the steroids she was taking. She died in her sleep 6 months out.
It was really hard for us, but my cousin decided to go ahead with her wedding despite the loss of her mom. When I was planning my wedding, my mom made me promise that no matter what, the wedding would go on.
It sounds like your mom is a strong woman- she has survived for 5 years battling the cancer. I'm not going to say, "don't worry about it," but I will say, don't necessary assume the worst. There's also a saying, "Assume the best, plan for the worst," that seems like the best option for you. That means talk to your mom about what she wants to do (and understand it may change over time as her condition improves/deteriorates and new info is known about her prognosis).
Have you spoken to your mom about her wishes? Would she like to see you married sooner? Perhaps you could do something like the Pineapples did? Have you and your FI talked about what you want to do in case your mom is unable to be at the wedding?
I know it's really hard to talk to our loved ones about these things- especially when it involves recognizing their mortality. Perhaps a counselor- like a grief counselor or family therapist- might have some advice on how to talk about this with your family so that it is the least upsetting. Maybe even visitng a counselor with your mom could help?
Speaking frankly about our loved ones' mortality is really hard. My only advice would be to make sure you know your mom's wishes. Think of how comforting it will be to know were able to make her happy, and think of how you would feel if you avoided the discussion and never knew.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
my fiance's mom was diagnosed with skin cancer in 2007 and it came back in 2008. she underwent some surgery at the beginning of this year and looks to be in good health.
our thoughts and prayers go out to you.
I haven't had to deal with this, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. I can't imagine what you're going through, but you have a wonderful support group here. I'll keep you and your mother in my prayers.
I hope she gets better and gets to see you marry.
Have you read the posts by Mrs. Pineapple? She got married early because her FI's mother was sick:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2008/09/22/you-do-sweet-me-too/
Have you thought of having a quick ceremony so your mother will be there for your wedding, and still having your big shindig in August?
Tag117 - That really sucks that you are having to deal with this now. I had a somewhat similar situation - my mom was diagnosed with non-hodgkin's lymphoma about 8 years ago. She underwent chemo then was in remission for a couple years. The cancer came back, but they decided to "watch and wait" which meant no treatment. After a few years the cancer was growing and she had a stem cell transplant that was just awful. I got engaged a few months after that transplant, and always had the concern that the cancer would come back in the back of my head. It is something that pretty much hangs over your head from the moment a loved one is diagnosed - will she be at my wedding? will she be there when I have kids?
The main positive of all of this is that I make sure to always make the decision to spend more time with her rather than less. To be thankful that she is around now and was able to be a part of my planning and my wedding. To see her looking healthy and happy when just a couple years ago she was ravaged by chemo. Knowing she will never be cured, but she might still have many great years ahead of her. All I can suggest is to take the opportunity you have now, be greatful for her involvement where possible and try not to focus TOO much on what might happen. I had a friend whose mother passed away in college from colon cancer, and thinking about how she lost her mother so young helps me be grateful for the time I do have. IF you think that things might really take a drastic turn for the worse, then by all means make sure you think through what you want a la Mrs. pineapple's early wedding. But from what you wrote, that could be entirely premature and unnecesssary. Sorry for rambling, my thoughts are with you and prayers that your mother's health improves.
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tag117 i am really sorry for what is going on. enjoy every moment you have.
I can relate. October of last year (just one year until my actual wedding) I sat at the dinner table with the family to hear those gruelin words of "we have to talk to you". Little did I know I was being told my grandfather (the rock of the family) had cancer yet again... 3rd time with cancer... all 3 times were different cancers. He would be going in for immediate surgery to remove a percentage of his stomach and it shouldn't be a problem recovering. (since this day in age people opt to do this to lose weight and can live with very little stomach, and the stomach does grow back over time).
As selffish as it sounds all I could think of was myself.. and the very first words I had muttered when my FI had proposed to me. "wow, grandma and grandpa get to actually see me get married" ((it was the one thing i had ever wanted since i was so close to them. i'm 21 and had lived in the same house as them til i was about 10))
Although my grandfather's surgery was a success and they had "gotten it all", and he even walked the same day his surgery was done, my grandpa got pneumonia in the hospital and after an awful week he sadly passed away on November 11th. My wedding is October 23rd and there will be tears of joy and tears of sadness. I will miss him dearly and in Jan. even tossed the idea of changing the marriage date since they are just so close.
I just want to give you the biggest hug ever..know you and your family are in my prayers. I pray for her to go into remission and that it lasts this time.
My mom is having a cat scan in 3 days for nodule they found in her chest. She doesn't smoke, and had pneumonia in december, which is what I hope the nodule is related to.
I lost a dear friend to breast cancer last summer. She was a vibrant, beautiful woman who always wanted me to be fearless and live life on my own terms. I also work one day a week in Pet studies and the patients I see mostly are cancer patients, and I work as hard for them as I can. They are some of the most lovely, and beautiful people in the entire world and we fight just as hard along with them. You tell your mom that she's not alone. Many are pulling for her and wishing her well from afar.
Many blessings to you and your family. This is a difficult time. I would ask that maybe you talk with your minister or a church counselor right now so you can be as supportive to mom and also so you can get support for YOU too at this time.
I spoke with my mom this weekend about the possibility the cancer has returned. She is ready to fight if that's the way it turns. It was very hard talkning to her about it though. Ever since her last treatments, she has become very pessimistic always tlaking about "if she dies". When I was speaking with my soon to be mother-in-law and her about wedding stuff, she would through in tiny remarks about her cancer... and death. I don't know why she does it but it makes it even harder to get through this all. I know that she wants this wedding to happen, and she is going to do everything she can to be there. It's her mindset that really gets to me. I have the love and support from so many.. you guys too, that somehow I will make it through this all.
My mom had ovarian cancer when I was in high school. They did what she thought was a full hysterectomy but she found out a couple of years later that they only did a partial one- she went in later to get the rest completed. It scares me everyday that something will take my mom away from me because all female cancers run in my family but I'm just making the best out of the time we have left because she really is my best friend.
I can't say "Don't worry too much" because you will regardless but make the best out of this time you have with her. Even if she isn't physically with you at the wedding, she will always be with you.
If you ever need someone to talk to, vent to, whatever, I'm here.
My father passed away last May of throat/mouth cancer. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in 99, and had been diagnosed with throat/mouth cancer 2 Thanksgivings ago. FI & I weren't engaged then, but became engaged about 4 months afterward. It's hard knowing he's not here physically but we're surviving. My situation is different than yours but I completely understand where you are coming from.
I agree with whoever said to try to include your Mom in planning. It may keep her mind off of the diagnosis. (It helped keep my Dad in good spirits when he was distracted.) You're in my thoughts!
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I can not relate directly but, a very dear friend of my husband and I was diagnosed with breast cancer just weeks before our wedding. She was supposed to be one of our readers and was very disappointed to announce to us her inability to attend. While we would have done anything to have her there it was not an option, so we had her there and spirit. I made a point to send her flowers on our wedding day and give her a special call. I wore a pink ribbon on my dress for her...
Ultimately we can not change fate but it won't do you any good worrying about the situation. Make the best of what you can, include her in your planning and make her apart of your day as much as possible. In the end you can always marry earlier if you want her there. And lastly if she can't make it she will be apart of your day in spirit and through your wedding planning.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers, best wishes for you all!
I have told her that I want her involved as much as she can because this time with her is so important in many ways. It is very hard for her to be involved though because she is so focused on her health. I am trying though. Whether or not she actually participates I know she appreciates being in my thoughts when it comes to wedding decisions.
It's good you are involving her in your planning. I know my mom appreciates it, even if she doesn't love all the ideas I have come up with 
Is your mom part of a support group or is there one she can join? Although my mom isn't part of a cancer support group, she has a few friends that also have leukemia and I think it helps her to have those people she can relate to. She also has a pretty good support system from her church and that has helped her stay positive and hopeful. Hope is a wonderful thing when you have cancer.
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She doesn't have a support group but she has met many woman through the years who have/had ovarian and breast cancer. My mom has been through a lot over the years, not just cancer, and I definately think this has worsened her spirit, but we are trying to give her hope every which way we can.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice to offer, but I wanted to you know that I'm thinking of you! Things like this are always hard. I don't think there exists a right answer. ::hug::
Hi Tag... I'm so so so sorry that you have to go through this. It sounds like both you and your mother are very strong women, and you WILL get through this. Perhaps the wedding will give her something to look forward to and to fight for. Its good that you have spoken to your mother about what she will do if the cancer is back-- i t can be so difficult to put things into words (because sometimes you don't want to speak about it because it makes it all that much more real).
Perhaps you can try to find the best ways to include your mom in the planning. Maybe bringing all sorts of tear outs from magazines & talking to her about your ideas and thoughts would be a good way to include her-- but then you could go out and do the legwork yourself so that she doesn't get tired or worn down running around. If you haven't gone dress shopping, perhaps you can call the bridal stores ahead of time and get permission to take all sorts of pictures (just explain the situation-- I think that many would be understanding of why you need pictures of the dresses) and then take all of those home to your mom before you buy a dress. That way you could talk to her about the pros & cons of the dresses and get her involved, but she doesn't have to go from store to store to store. Same with bridesmaids dresses or other things. Maybe you could plan out what she CAN be a part of-- like a hair and makeup trial. You could look at pictures together, and then maybe that is one thing she could do with you-- she could come sit so it wouldn't be too strenuous but you could chat with her about everything while you're getting your hair and makeup done.
I think that including her would be good for both of you. I know it is such a scary time, but definitely try to think about the good times and just keep on making all of these memories with your mom.
As for your FMIL, I'm sorry that she makes those little comments. My guess is that she doesn't mean anything by them-- perhaps she deals with death differently, or perhaps she is scared about everything and doesn't know how to convey that to you. If it gets too bad, I would just suggest that your FI say something like "Hey, Mom, [your name] mentioned that you said "this" or "that" in conversation. Try not to bring up the cancer when you're talking about wedding stuff-- [Your Name] needs time away from all of the cancer, and when she's with us, that's what we need to do..." He doesn't have to have a serious talk with her about it, but just suggest that she ease up on all of the cancer talk.
Good luck-- I really hope the best for your mom's health. Come here to vent WHENEVER YOU NEED TO... we'll all be here as much as we can for you. Planning a wedding is so stressful, so I can't imagine having to deal with this on top of it!
I've never been in this situation before, but I'm so sorry. This must be hard. Know that my heart and thoughts are with you. Good luck and stay strong :)
I cannot relate, but am tearing up reading all these posts. What a struggle it must be for anyone trying to plan what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of their life, when someone so close to them is suffering.
My heart goes out to you and your family!
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Hi Tag and the rest of the girls in this thread. This is why i love the Hive, such a wonderful support group, wedding related or not!
My aunt was my second mother growing up (shes my mom's big sis) and an amazing, passionate woman that we all love to death. She has been fighting endometrial cancer for the past 5 years, with short periods of remission scattered among those years. She is currently going through a "last gasp" of chemo, where if it doesnt work they (the docs) dont know what else to do. So far its been okay, but its been really hard for myself and my family, especially my mom, to even think about the wedding when they dont even know if my aunt will be there. My fiance lost two of his aunts w/in the past 5 years from car accidents, so he has been an absolute blessing during this entire time of uncertainty, and sadness.
The whole situation really does put cakes, dresses and flowers in perspective. It makes you realize the heart of what weddings have been about for century upon century before they became so corporate: family. You and your fiance are not just starting your own family, but you're also joining two families together symbolically and emotionally. You will be able to lean on them and they on you when times become hard and unbearable. And you will also be able to rejoice with them when times are great.
Also something that has kept myself and my family going through this is the fact that miracles happen every day. We read about them in the news, we've heard about them through other people, but sometimes we forget that they can happen in our own lives, no matter if you believe in God or not. Just know you are not alone, so many people are going through what you're going through. Everything will be okay!
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...especially at this time in your life. One of my very best friends (and bridesmaids) found out 9 years ago that she had melanoma on her right shoulder. She had it removed. In August of 2008 she became very ill. Her melanoma had returned, but ten-fold. She had tumors on her brain, lung, back, and ovary.
She lost her battle with melanoma in late February 2009. Planning my wedding has been difficult to say the least.
Please know that you are not alone and you have a community of people to listen to you and you will never be alone.
My mom was diagnosed with very aggresive brain cancer 1 month before I got enganged. After multiple operations because if regrowth, radiation, and chemotherapy she is doing well and should be ok for the wedding. The cancer will come back and I know that she probably won't be here when we have children. All you can do is enjoy today with your mother. The best and hardest advice that my mom has received from a doctor is to live life to the fullest every day. It's very easy to not enjoy living because you are thinking about dying.
My fiance was diagnosed with stomach and pancreatic cancer about 6 weeks after we started dating (November 2006). He went into remission...we planned our wedding for April 2007...in February of 2007 the cancer came back and we cancelled the wedding. The cancer went into remission again and we planned to get married in December of 2008...you guessed it..the cancer came back. The oncologist and internologist actually had surgery planned to remove half od my fiance's stomach in February of this year (they decided to leave the pancreatic tumor alone as it was benign). My fiance went in for his pre-op testing and there was NO trace of the cancer...praise God. He has since been diagnosed with peptic ulcer disease and will have to go in for regular endoscopy and bloodwork to make sure that the cancer does not come back...but so far his tests have been coming back clean over and over. So...this December we will be getting married. I am not glad that my fiance had to battle cancer over and over but I am glad about the things that I have learned about his strength, his values, and his vision for our future. Adversity really does make or break you and our bond has grown so much deeper as a result of all of the things that we have endured as a couple. We are able to plan for our future and combine our families secure in the knowledge that we have been through better AND worse and came out stronger on the other side. The whole experience has taught me that "where there is life...there is hope".
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. As a chemo nurse I am well aware of peoples daily struggles with cancer and its return. This is not wedding advice but at this point I would encourage you to seek out clinical trials for your mom. Seeing that this is her cancers 3rd return most likely chemo that she has used in the past will again be unsuccessful. The trials will not be able to cure your mom but they may be able to improve her quality of life and keep her cancer at bay for some time.
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About 5 years ago my mom was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. It came back a year and a half ago. She has been in remission for 10 months and now it may come back a 3rd time. I am getting married in the end of the August and all that is crossing through my mind is my mom going to be there for it. I'm scared to death of losing her, because 3 times back, can't be good! The last bout with chemo and radiation was so difficult for her, and I don't think she has it in her to go through it again. She is afraid of dying.
Has anyone dealth with cancer coming back multiple times? Especially around your wedding? It's hard to talk about because people can't relate unless they have gone through it too..
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