Can't Agree on a Type of Wedding

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

Have your parents volunteered to pay and if so, have they given you a budget?  My initial thought was that your FI simply does not understand what it costs to host a large wedding.  Maybe if you tell him your parents aren’t paying (as in don’t accept their money), and pay for it yourselves, it will force him into understanding that he can’t financially afford what he wants.  So he will have to have a smaller wedding.  That works out in your favor, I would think.

PS: Doing a lot of ASSuming up there about your finances, sorry.

Post # 5
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry


The guest list is one of the biggest challenges to anyone’s wedding planning. How large is FI’s “entire” family? Are you talking 25, 50 or 100 people?

Where in CA is your family from? Not everyone on his side may want/be willling to do the drive. Are you concerns more with the cost than the number of people there? Vegas with your parents and two receptions could be a fun option, but I have the feeling he’s not going to go for that.

On thing to keep it mind-it will be easier for you to plan a wedding in ID than in CA. We were briefly considering my home town an hour away, and I realized doing trips back and forth was going to add too much work.

Or you could do a DW to Hawaii, go on your honeymoon (parents do their own thing), then have parties when you’re back.


Post # 6
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Could you include more immediate family in your DW than just your parents? Like grandparents, siblings, etc.? Maybe that would be a compromise you could both live with?

Post # 8
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

So he basically wants your parents to shell out for something you don’t want? Wow.

Is it possible that he has this romantic idea in his head and hasn’t actually thought things through? Like logistics, costs, etc.?

I wouldn’t assume your parents are going to foot the bill.

Why exactly does he want a big wedding and ALL his family there? I don’t get it.

I think I would do a quick budget breakdown for a big ceremony in California. It sounds like he would be willing to have his family travel down there. See what he thinks of the costs. I think the key here is if your parents aren’t going to foot the entire bill, would he still want to pay?

It seems a bit odd to me that the groom wants a big wedding and for EVERYONE to see him getting married. It’s usually the opposite lol. I feel for you.

We had a small wedding (4 guests) and luckily my husband was on board.. he wanted to elope, in fact!

Post # 10
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ag22:  I think this really have to be a compromise.  I also think that if you don’t want a wedding, he needs to take responsibility for the majority of the planning.  I would also put together reasonable estimates of costs, and talk about reasonable timelines.

Post # 11
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

When you show him the cost of a big wedding make sure you are including the cost of invitations, postage, rentals, centerpieces, linens, tables/chairs, favors, dinner, drinks, sales tax, gratuity, and any service charges.  He needs to see the REAL per person cost of this wedding he wants and I am still on the floor that he thinks that can be done for 3 grand, especially in CA.

What that says is that he really has no idea what he is asking for so you need to make sure your numbers are comprehensive and complete.  Guys get numbers, usually.

Post # 12
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is where that magic art of compromise comes in. I will first admit, that, personally, I am much more like your husband. It was very important for me to have his family there. And if it comes down to spending money vs having family there, I lean towards having family there.

You said that “If I’m not going to be 100% happy with the wedding then I don’t see spending a lot of money on it just to be unhappy with it.” but he could just as easily say “If I’m not going to be 100% happy with the wedding without my family then it doen’t matter how much money we save”. I’m not saying he’s right. Just that there are 2 sides to this and they are both very valid.

Which bring us back to compromise. How about a destination in Oregon that’s part way between the families? Or find a guest list size somewher inbetween your tiny wedding and his giant wedding. If you don’t want to spend much of your parents money, then set a budget and stick to it. Or pay for it yourselves – that’s what we did! There are lots of options out there and I’m sure you’ll find something that will work for both of you. 

I’d encourage you and your fiance to sit down and write out your priorities. See what’s important to each of you and to both of you, as a couple. Everything can’t be important, so try to pick a few really important things and then another list of things that are important, but you’re willing to compromise on. Then take those lists and try to see if there is a way to get both of you most of your most important priorities.

ETA: I think it actually sounds much more expensive to have a 6 person destination and then 2 receptions rather than a traditional wedding with both families there. Run your numbers. But the reception is the expensive part and you’re talking about planning two of them! So I don’t think it will have the cost saving that you expect.

Post # 13
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@LMD:  >>>why should I compromise at the cost of 10k+ so that he can be happy and I cannot.<<<

>>>I don’t want one here. There aren’t a ton of great venues and quite honestly – just never pictured getting married here. If I’m not going to be 100% happy with the wedding then I don’t see spending a lot of money on it just to be unhappy with it. There’s no point.<<<


This isn’t the attitude you should go into a marriage with. THE POINT IS THAT YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED. Now is where you start to learn to compromise. You want almost no one there, he wants everyone there. Pick a number in the middle (like 50 or 80) and stick to it but neither of you should get completely what you want because that’s not the way it’s going to be in LIFE.


And honestly? If you believe you wouldn’t be happy under a certain circumstance where the end result is that you marry the man you intended…. this isn’t the person you need to be marrying.


I’m probably a little older than you and some of the other posters in this thread, but no one should be forcing the other to do anything. You meet in the middle and if you don’t want your parents expending the money… then you guys are grown ups. Pay for it yourselves, then you’re BOTH invested in the process.


Post # 15
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’d advise you to get married in California.  It will be easy for your family to get there.  Since his side would have to travel, it’s likely that you could invite a lot of people from his side, but fewer would actually come since it requires travel.  Then he could feel like he’s inviting eveyone, but you wouldn’t have to worry about everyone actually showing up and could have a smaller wedding overall.  I agree with PP that it’s a HUGE assumption that your parents will pay.  Show him what weddings actually cost, and tell him that you guys will be the ones paying, and see how he feels about that.  As far as planning logistics goes, I don’t think planning a wedding in CA would be that much harder than planning a DW in Hawaii or anywhere else.  Our wedding (that we paid for ourselves) was far away, and we did a couple weekend road trips and made phone calls in advance to schedule meetings with prospective vendors.  We picked our photographer, videographer, caterer and DJ in one weekend trip.

Post # 16
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@ag22:  If all your life you’ve imagined getting married one way and one way only, then I hope you imagined marrying yourself otherwise, you needed someone to tell you that it’s not all about you. It’s HIS wedding also and maybe he’s imagined getting married a certain way as well. Is what he imagined less important than how you imagined? If so, why?

I agree that your parents shouldn’t foot the bill. In fact, I’m a firm believer that parents shouldn’t pay for their ADULT children’s weddings (and I am the parent of an adult). You guys should pay for it and learn to compromise.

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