Post # 1
Hey everyone. I am recently engaged and already am encountering disagreements. My fiance and i currently live in ID, where his entire family is from and still lives. I am originally from California, where my entire family is from and still lives.
Because I don’t think it’s fair that if we had the wedding in Boise, that my whole family would have to travel, and his wouldn’t, I would LOVE to do a destination wedding, with only us two, both of my parents, and both of his parents. Then, we could do a reception party in California, and a reception party in Idaho. I think this is perfect. then I don’t have to plan a huge wedding, feel bad about my parents paying for a larger wedding, and feel bad about my whole family travelling, when most probably couldn’t because of health or finances.
My Fiance’s argument is that he wants his ENTIRE family there, and not just his parents. But, if it is destination and we decided to invite everyone instead of just the parents, they couldn’t afford to travel. He wants either a wedding in Boise, or a wedding in CA so that his family could at least drive and attend. But that still isn’t what I want. I just want a very small with almost nobody there.
So, we can’t seem to compromise because he wants everyone there and I want almost nobody there. His family wouldn’t be the one paying for it though if we had a wedding- it would be mine.
I was hoping some of you guys had encountered this issue where you and the groom to be couldn’t agree on a ‘type’ of wedding to have, and hopefully have some creative suggestions that I hadn’t thought of. Thanks!
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
Have your parents volunteered to pay and if so, have they given you a budget? My initial thought was that your FI simply does not understand what it costs to host a large wedding. Maybe if you tell him your parents aren’t paying (as in don’t accept their money), and pay for it yourselves, it will force him into understanding that he can’t financially afford what he wants. So he will have to have a smaller wedding. That works out in your favor, I would think.
PS: Doing a lot of ASSuming up there about your finances, sorry.
Post # 4
@LMD: That would be great. The only thing that I would worry about is that I don’t want to feel like I am guilting him into anything. but then again… why should I compromise at the cost of 10k+ so that he can be happy and I cannot. I think you may be on to something. Knowing him, I could see it backfiring and him wanting to wait 5 years to save yup the money so he can do it his way.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
The guest list is one of the biggest challenges to anyone’s wedding planning. How large is FI’s “entire” family? Are you talking 25, 50 or 100 people?
Where in CA is your family from? Not everyone on his side may want/be willling to do the drive. Are you concerns more with the cost than the number of people there? Vegas with your parents and two receptions could be a fun option, but I have the feeling he’s not going to go for that.
On thing to keep it mind-it will be easier for you to plan a wedding in ID than in CA. We were briefly considering my home town an hour away, and I realized doing trips back and forth was going to add too much work.
Or you could do a DW to Hawaii, go on your honeymoon (parents do their own thing), then have parties when you’re back.
Post # 6
Could you include more immediate family in your DW than just your parents? Like grandparents, siblings, etc.? Maybe that would be a compromise you could both live with?
Post # 7
@rebwana: For his family I would say easily 100+. Rough estimate of the bare bones they would invite is 87. There are always going to be friends on top of that, and they are from a small town, so they know everyone in town and will want them to be there.
I am from northern California, about half way between Sacramento and San Francisco. I agree that it would be much easier to plan a wedding in Boise since I live here, but I don’t want one here. There aren’t a ton of great venues and quite honestly – just never pictured getting married here. If I’m not going to be 100% happy with the wedding then I don’t see spending a lot of money on it just to be unhappy with it. There’s no point.
I have suggested a destination in Hawaii and then our honeymoon could be the cruise back to CA, have the reception there, and thena reception in Idaho. BUT, he still doesn’t like that because his whole family won’t be there. So unless his whole family is there, he doesn’t seem to want to agree to it.
I could do the wedding in CA, but again, I don’t feel comfortable spending my parent’s money. And, it would be a lot harder to plan. I’ve suggested streaming our wedding from Hawaii so his family could still see it, but it’s a no-go.
He is sentimental and I am the less sentimental one, so I am OK with not having everyone there and not having my friends there. So, just not sure what an OK compromise is in this situation, and how to solve it.
What I don’t want to happen is that two years from now we still haven’t set a date because we can’t agree on how we want to get married, and then we just keep putting it off because there is no common ground.
Post # 8
So he basically wants your parents to shell out for something you don’t want? Wow.
Is it possible that he has this romantic idea in his head and hasn’t actually thought things through? Like logistics, costs, etc.?
I wouldn’t assume your parents are going to foot the bill.
Why exactly does he want a big wedding and ALL his family there? I don’t get it.
I think I would do a quick budget breakdown for a big ceremony in California. It sounds like he would be willing to have his family travel down there. See what he thinks of the costs. I think the key here is if your parents aren’t going to foot the entire bill, would he still want to pay?
It seems a bit odd to me that the groom wants a big wedding and for EVERYONE to see him getting married. It’s usually the opposite lol. I feel for you.
We had a small wedding (4 guests) and luckily my husband was on board.. he wanted to elope, in fact!
Post # 9
@canarydiamond: Ugh… eloping would be amazing!! Well, he has been like that forever. He wants the ‘fairytale’ and I am more of a realist. It does seem like roles are reversed.
I asked him this morning actually, how much he thinks that weddings cost on average, and he said $3,000…. not the case. Perhaps if I do the breakdown of a wedding at both places that would accomodate his guest requests, and then say that i don’t think it’s fair that my parents pay for it because it’s not what I want, and see if he is still willing to pay for it after that, then show him the breakdown of a 6 person destination, and reception at both places, maybe he will be more willing to compromise. We are both stubborn though, so we will see.
Even if I said that we would do the Hawaii thing with both sets of parents, and whoever else wanted to come could, I would be OK with that (and that would be compromising for me since I don’t really want people there), but I don’t think he would compromise to that because his family still couldn’t come.
This is so tricky…. I really do appreciate you guys trying to help me with this!! 🙂
Post # 10
@ag22: I think this really have to be a compromise. I also think that if you don’t want a wedding, he needs to take responsibility for the majority of the planning. I would also put together reasonable estimates of costs, and talk about reasonable timelines.
Post # 11
When you show him the cost of a big wedding make sure you are including the cost of invitations, postage, rentals, centerpieces, linens, tables/chairs, favors, dinner, drinks, sales tax, gratuity, and any service charges. He needs to see the REAL per person cost of this wedding he wants and I am still on the floor that he thinks that can be done for 3 grand, especially in CA.
What that says is that he really has no idea what he is asking for so you need to make sure your numbers are comprehensive and complete. Guys get numbers, usually.
Post # 12
This is where that magic art of compromise comes in. I will first admit, that, personally, I am much more like your husband. It was very important for me to have his family there. And if it comes down to spending money vs having family there, I lean towards having family there.
You said that “If I’m not going to be 100% happy with the wedding then I don’t see spending a lot of money on it just to be unhappy with it.” but he could just as easily say “If I’m not going to be 100% happy with the wedding without my family then it doen’t matter how much money we save”. I’m not saying he’s right. Just that there are 2 sides to this and they are both very valid.
Which bring us back to compromise. How about a destination in Oregon that’s part way between the families? Or find a guest list size somewher inbetween your tiny wedding and his giant wedding. If you don’t want to spend much of your parents money, then set a budget and stick to it. Or pay for it yourselves – that’s what we did! There are lots of options out there and I’m sure you’ll find something that will work for both of you.
I’d encourage you and your fiance to sit down and write out your priorities. See what’s important to each of you and to both of you, as a couple. Everything can’t be important, so try to pick a few really important things and then another list of things that are important, but you’re willing to compromise on. Then take those lists and try to see if there is a way to get both of you most of your most important priorities.
ETA: I think it actually sounds much more expensive to have a 6 person destination and then 2 receptions rather than a traditional wedding with both families there. Run your numbers. But the reception is the expensive part and you’re talking about planning two of them! So I don’t think it will have the cost saving that you expect.
Post # 13
@LMD: >>>why should I compromise at the cost of 10k+ so that he can be happy and I cannot.<<<
>>>I don’t want one here. There aren’t a ton of great venues and quite honestly – just never pictured getting married here. If I’m not going to be 100% happy with the wedding then I don’t see spending a lot of money on it just to be unhappy with it. There’s no point.<<<
This isn’t the attitude you should go into a marriage with. THE POINT IS THAT YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED. Now is where you start to learn to compromise. You want almost no one there, he wants everyone there. Pick a number in the middle (like 50 or 80) and stick to it but neither of you should get completely what you want because that’s not the way it’s going to be in LIFE.
And honestly? If you believe you wouldn’t be happy under a certain circumstance where the end result is that you marry the man you intended…. this isn’t the person you need to be marrying.
I’m probably a little older than you and some of the other posters in this thread, but no one should be forcing the other to do anything. You meet in the middle and if you don’t want your parents expending the money… then you guys are grown ups. Pay for it yourselves, then you’re BOTH invested in the process.
Post # 14
@DJones69: “If I’m not going to be 100% happy with the wedding then I don’t see spending a lot of money on it just to be unhappy with it. There’s no point.” was a bit drastic. I don’t mean that I am not going to be happy with marrying him. That’s what I want to do. BUT… It seems like my family shouldn’t be spending a lot of money for something that I don’t necessarily want. If him and his family want to pay for the wedding, fine. I’ll do it so that I can marry him. BUT if it is at our whole expense for only his desires and not mine, then that’s a different story.
It’s just hard because your entire life you picture yourself getting married one way, and only one way. And I always picture something low key and not a big deal, where everyone makes it ahuge deal. Getting married is a big deal, but i want it to be a big deal for only him and I, and not have to feel like I am entertaining everyone on our day. I want it to be only about us. When he asked my dad for permission, he included me in that process because he said it was ‘US’ and not just him, so he wanted me to be there. And I feel the same way about our wedding- that it is about ‘US’ and not everyone else.
@JenGirl: Destination somewhere else would be OK. The two receptions would not be anything elaborate or extravagent. They would be more like family get togethers than anything else, so inexpensive and casual.
Post # 15
I’d advise you to get married in California. It will be easy for your family to get there. Since his side would have to travel, it’s likely that you could invite a lot of people from his side, but fewer would actually come since it requires travel. Then he could feel like he’s inviting eveyone, but you wouldn’t have to worry about everyone actually showing up and could have a smaller wedding overall. I agree with PP that it’s a HUGE assumption that your parents will pay. Show him what weddings actually cost, and tell him that you guys will be the ones paying, and see how he feels about that. As far as planning logistics goes, I don’t think planning a wedding in CA would be that much harder than planning a DW in Hawaii or anywhere else. Our wedding (that we paid for ourselves) was far away, and we did a couple weekend road trips and made phone calls in advance to schedule meetings with prospective vendors. We picked our photographer, videographer, caterer and DJ in one weekend trip.
Post # 16
@ag22: If all your life you’ve imagined getting married one way and one way only, then I hope you imagined marrying yourself otherwise, you needed someone to tell you that it’s not all about you. It’s HIS wedding also and maybe he’s imagined getting married a certain way as well. Is what he imagined less important than how you imagined? If so, why?
I agree that your parents shouldn’t foot the bill. In fact, I’m a firm believer that parents shouldn’t pay for their ADULT children’s weddings (and I am the parent of an adult). You guys should pay for it and learn to compromise.