Can't believe 7 year relationship is over. Not coping.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
3893 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Sakura07:  All I can say, having gone through almost he exact same situation, is that it gets better. You really should try to move out of his mom’s house though. It will be harder to move on with the constant reminders of him. When I went through this, I wallowed in sadness for two months until eventually I said to myself that I just have to get up and get on with my life. Don’t wait around for him to come back, he clearly has issues he needs to work out. Move on with your life, go out with friends, even if you have to force yourself at first, eventually it will get easier. 

Post # 3
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Do you really want to be with a man who can’t tell after all these years that you are the one for him? You deserve better than that. If he is having doubts now then I don’t think it would ever get easier, even if you got back together. I’ve had doubts in previous relationships but as soon as I met my now Fi i knew it was different and sure I may have a 2 second think in my head about what i’m doing with him if he’s being annoying that minute haha but overall I would never need a break or imagine my life without him. I think you need to show him that you respect yourself and start looking for your own place, lose contact with him and live your life. He may come crawing back, he may not but at least you’re not in limbo waiting on him to decide your future. That’s not fair to you!!

Post # 4
1573 posts
Bumble bee

First of all you definately need to move as soon as you can. I ended a decade long relationship that had some similarities to yours. What really helped was cutting off communication. It was hard because we had to sell the house we owned together but once in my heart I knew it was over and stopped talking to him it actually started to get better pretty quickly. It was hard at first being alone and not having anyone care where I was basically. But I started to realize how much he had been dragging me down by not proposing and making me feel bad about myself and why I wasn’t good enough to be a wife and how he was right frankly, that the passion wasn’t there.  I had been clinging to what I knew thinking a proposal was imminent and I was wrong, wrong for staying and wrong that one day after all those years he would suddenly want to marry me. Individual therapy helped me, if you have any option to do that you should. Talking to friends helped too and just meeting new people and trying new things.

Post # 5
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I seriously think that OP’s SO had a genuine psychological panic attack – he already seems to have the illness/ailment of depression. And just as even clinical depression from a chemical imbalance can be triggered by loss (maybe his parents marital issues and his fathers behavior?), a panic attack can be triggered by a life change that SO desires ie.getting engaged to OP. His reaction about rushing back to the house after his drive also sounded like outright fear, not a man who doesn’t want to marry his SO or marry anyone such as in male stereotypes of reluctant grooms or a man who realized he is not happy with his girlfriend.

He probably was reassuring the OP because he somehow knew his behavior was strange – but since I think he had a real panic attack which gives the person a trapped feeling, he couldn’t help wanting to run away out of trying to prevent more panic attacks.

You are being strong, OP, to first give him space and then to be able to let go/reach out to the Bees here. I don’t know yet if your SO will follow through on getting help and how you will feel after all he put you through if he then wants to come back. I definitely don’t think it’s hopeless at all that your relationship could be sweet again after he gets better from counseling and meds. Hugs.






Post # 6
838 posts
Busy bee

Is he age 30-ish? because recently there’s been an epidemic: many, many men around age 30 are having these sudden mid-life crisis with the same symptoms. My man did it, I’ve watched friends go thru it, and I keep hearing about it online- all around age 30. No warning signs.

He suddenly didn’t love me anymore, he was confused about the future, and said he didn’t “feel” anything. Destroyed my world 🙁 and I hate seeing all these other women get their lives shattered too. Just know that this is not your fault!! You are better off letting him go romantically and putting yourself out there for new love because you deserve better. I am sorry you’re gong thru this!

Post # 7
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Sakura07:  OMG you are so well rid of him, he sounds like a flake!

Take really good care of yourself and surround yourself with the love and support of your closest friends and family. This guy was like St. Elmo’s Fire — all smoke and mirrors and not for real.

You deserve the real thing. Congratulations on breaking free from a dead end relationship.

Hugs! Hang in there!!


Post # 8
677 posts
Busy bee

Sending you a hug. The others are right, you deserve someone who is sure. This is gonna be hard and it’s gonna hurt. I had a situation that had some similarities, and now I’m happy with my fiance, but I can’t say the past never stings. You’ll be ok. Be strong

Post # 10
122 posts
Blushing bee

If you really deep in your heart believe that this has a chance of working out, TALK TO HIM. Be blunt. Tell him “Let’s find a place at this time to talk about whether or not we want to try to have a future together. And if you don’t even want to talk, then it’s over for real. For ever.” If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then it’s really over and it’s really time for you to start the healing process and try to move on with your life. It hurts bad but staying there will drag out the pain and make it even worse later on. Because frankly, he broke up with you and even though seeing him with another girl stings like a *****, you both need to lead different lives now and pursue other people.

Post # 11
1573 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with what pumpkin-pie said but add strongly that this is much harder bc he is still so in your face, working together, you see who he’s riding with, living with his mom, you have no closure. If it is over you need to start a plan to get away from him. Your breakup is now over a month out. It’s nice he’s not seeing anyone, I don’t want to hurt your feelings but if you aren’t together at some point he will start dating and you don’t want to watch that and hopefully you’ll be dating too. I’m not saying get over it by mentioning the time I’m saying as a warning that as time passes he may date or do other things that hurt your feelings to see.

Post # 12
11 posts
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sakura07:  Ive gone through something similar. All I can say is don’t try to make sense of it, and the sooner you accept he’s on a different planet the better. Use this time to invest in you. Pick up hobbies, focus on school or work and surround yourself with your family and best friends as much as possible. Also, do NOT let him contact you at will. Either keep the contact to a bare minimum or (what I think is best) cut contact all together. Defriend him on facebook. The in between is honestly what destroys couples more than anything…and if there is any shot at you two getting back together, any “in between” contact will ruin it. You may see him hanging out with another girl or vice versa at some point. Also have some kind of personal goal in mind…are you going to give him 6 weeks…months…a year? What is your internal timeline until you “move on”? My relationship didnt work out but I had a friend who went through the exact same thing and they reconciled after about a year apart…they just found their way back to each other. Be strong, evaluate how much you want him in life, declare that to him so you know you did everything you could to hang on to him, but if he’s still be distant, cut contact and focus on yourself. And 6 months to a year down the line, you’ll know if you still miss each other or know it was the best thing that could’ve happened to you. Good luck girl.

Post # 14
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I will echo what some other PPs have said that it sounds like he had a panic attack and may be struggling with depression. I have had a couple of instances of not being able to feel anything and having a freak-out about whether or not I love my SO because I couldn’t feel anything. It happened most recently when I started grad school (a big transition), so I do think it’s tied to life-changing events (like planning a proposal). 

I dont have have any real advice to offer you – but I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I think you should take some time to focus on yourself and keep busy, and if he talks to you, continue to express your concerns over his sudden change and encourage him to figure out what happened. 

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