Can't believe he did me like that

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
224 posts
Helper bee

@southernbelle381:  I don’t think I would be hurt but I would be disappointed. After all, you voiced all your concerns to him but he insisted that he would go ahead with it, which later turned out to be a false alarm. So I would be disappointed but I understand how you feel. At least he still wanna marry you so just hope that “all things go well”. Chin up dear 🙂

Post # 4
204 posts
Helper bee

@southernbelle381:   I don’t think you’re wrong to feel disappointed, but maybe he realized that he should have a job so you can support each other. If he doesn’t find a job in the next 2 months, but buys you an engagement ring, does he have savings to fall back on? He’s probably just trying to be smart about it, but it didn’t hit him right away. And, like my SO, i don’t think he realizes how badly we want to get engaged and he probably didn’t think a couple months was a big deal. I wouldn’t take it as a sign that he isn’t emotionally ready (maybe not financially ready, though).

Post # 6
13 posts

Maybe, just maybe all that “if all goes well” talk is so you won’t have a date set in mind and that way he can surprise you!! I know that is what my bf would do, give me little comments here and there suggesting it won’t happen soon so i don’t expect it and he can surprise me

Post # 9
2074 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@southernbelle381:  honestly, under the circumstances, it sounds like your boyfriends top priority and focus is getting a job. This is appropriate and responsible of him. If I were you I would put my expectations of a proposal on hold until he has his career situation settled. Otherwise, frankly, it may start to seem to him that you are pressuring him and fixated on an engagement when he is in the midst of a small crisis

Post # 10
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

What? Maybe I missed something, but how do you know the plan is changing? Maybe, just maybe, he is trying to surprise you and keep some element of surprise. You’ve showed him what ring you want. You’ve discussed a timeline. Now drop it. 

Post # 11
703 posts
Busy bee

@southernbelle381:  My now FI did the same and it was very hurtful. he told me new years day 1 year ago we’d be married within 2 years. So in my head i presumed an engagement would happen within the next 6 months. Normal engagement lengths where i’m from are 18 months to 2 years. it didn’t happen within 6 months and when i asked him about it he said the same, that he didn’t expect to be held to an exact date!  He did propose exactly 1 year later on new years day and we’re having a 15 month engagement. so we’re not too far off what he had said.


One bit of advice i’ll give and i wished i’d followed was calm down on the engagement talk. My FI told me AFTER he had proposed, that it annoyed him lol. That it was always going to happen, that he wanted it to be a surprise and get his savings together himself. He suprised me with a ring he picked out himself even though he had told me I would pick my engagement ring. So maybe your SO has done the same, maybe he’s not interested in the ring because he’s gonna pick yours or already has one! My SO had even told me we’d look at engagement rings when we were in NYC in Dec. And then when we were there he never mentioned it!! I didn’t know then, but he had changed his mind and already had his plan to propose new years and get a ring back home. Hindsight is a great thing and if i could go back and relive the last 6 months I would and I would shut it up!!


your SO sounds ready it will happen! so what if its an extra month or 2 wait! you have your whole lives together!


Post # 12
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2000


To be honest, looking through your last few started threads, it seems like the two of you are having a very tough time right now. I’m not sure what to tell you. I know when I’m having job difficulties, I’m in a terrible state mentally.

Perhaps if the both of you deal with one giant issue (job/marriage) at a time, things might feel a bit more calm and mangeable. If you’ve both decided to get married, congratulations! Everything else is just window dressing. That’s not to say you’re in any way wrong to want it, but try and relax about the more symbolic aspects of it (asking for your hand, the ring, etc.) while your collective livelihood gets on more solid footing.

That’s not just about money, it’s about self-worth and identity. Being unemployed, expecially fired, is beyond tough. I’ve been in in-patient psychiatric treatment before. The only males on our ward? Guys who’d lost their vocation. It’s that real.

I’d be inclined to understand that his head is likely full to the brim with worries about the future. Slightly shifting timelines may not be easy to take, but it’s simple (for me) to rationalise with all that’s on your plates at the moment. 

I can’t for sure say if he sounds ready or not on a personal level. It sounds like he’s trying his best to sort out what’s going on with the suddenly much more unsure future.

Post # 13
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

I think you are overracting. I don’t think he needs more pressure on top of not having a job. He knows what you want, you have discussed it…even if it was only for a hour. It will come when its meant to come. But if you push him too much you might push him into changing his mind and make him think your are inconsiderate of his situation. Give yourself a timeline and if there is no proposal in x amount of time then its time to have a serious talk. But you have already discussed this and just because he didn’t spend hours on end talking to you about it doesn’t mean he did not hear you.

Post # 14
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

First off, I’m sorry you’re going through all of sounds incredibly stressful.

I might feel a little disappointed, but I don’t think I’d be upset by any means. I understand the frustration when he tells you he’s on board with getting engaged in the next few months (and who knows, maybe he still is) or maybe he did some thinking and realized that perhaps it’s not the best decision to make right now (financially)  I am very close with my family and my FI’s family and if my FI lost his job (before we were engaged) and proposed within a couple months after that, I know both our families would be wondering if that was the best decision to make..and so would I, quite frankly.

I would really try and focus on one big thing at a time, and right now it sounds like he needs to focus on getting another job. He knows what you want and it sounds like the plan is to get married one day, so I would just leave it be for now. If you bring it up again it will probably just end up stressing you both out and adding more to the plate. During your talk he said in the next 2-3 months? Maybe give him 3 months and if nothing happens, have another talk with him. But in the meantime, I would try and support him and let him know that you’re there for him.

Post # 15
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@southernbelle381: It’s hard for us to determine, based on your post, whether your SO is genuinely ready. Naturally, I think the pressing issue on his mind is trying to find a new job. I understand your disappointment but you should drop the engagement thing until he’s back on his feet. The silver lining, imo, is that your SO seems like a responsible guy and on top of all the unemployment related issues mentioned by PPs, he probably knows that it’s not a good idea to buy a ring with his current financial state.


My FI was supposed to propose by the end of August but the deadline got pushed back to the end of the year. Honestly, I wasn’t upset, even though it was annoying because my mom was asking about it (she knew about the timeline). He was going through a transition period where he had been interviewing for a new job, then he started that job where he had to get used to a much longer commute than before. I trusted that he would follow through with the proposal. And he did! I’m only telling you this because I think you should place similar trust in your SO and be more understanding that he probably wants all his ducks in a row before getting engaged. Men like to focus on only one big thing at a time, otherwise their whole world explodes. *rolling eyes*


Post # 16
397 posts
Helper bee


“Men like to focus on only one big thing at a time, otherwise their whole world  explodes. *rolling eyes*”


YES!! This is very true.I knwo where you’re coming from. I’m still waiting and even though my guy got a job and I thought “Oh! Now it will happen! H’es financially secure” he isn’t happy with it and is currently looking for another. I think he’s thinking that whatever savings he does have now, he needs to keep for a rainy day and not spend it on a ring right now. The biggest reason men don’t propose, is that they are not financially secure. So, you are in the same boat as millions of other waiting women 🙁 Including me.

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