Post # 1
So I always read the posts where girls are thinking about leaving their fiance’s… I never thought I’d be one of them, but I’m so upset right now and I can’t talk to anyone at work… so I really need your opinions (And sorry for the long post). Please let me know if I’m overreacting or if you think I have a legitimate reason to be upset. So last night, my fiance and I had dinner together at home. Later, one of his friends came over and they decided to go out for icecream. I didn’t want any & I was really tired, so I decided to stay home. My fiance came back an hour later & kissed me good night (around 10pm), he looked like he was ready for bed too & was wearing his pajamas. He never has to work on Wednesday mornings, so he usually stays up later than me watching tv, but he’s usually in bed by midnight.
So last night, it’s 3:30am when he climbs into bed. I asked him why he came to bed so late, and he said it was because he fell asleep on the couch. However, as I got closer to him, I could smell alcohol on his breathe. I asked him if he went out & he said “Yes, I went and got icecream with Jason.” I asked him again, did he go out after he said good night to me… over and over he repeated “No, I just went and got icecream”… after a while he said that during the icecream run, they stopped at Jason’s house & had a beer. I told him, his breathe wouldn’t smell like that if he had a beer 6 hours ago. Finally he confessed that he left again after saying goodnight & went to Jason’s for “a bonfire”.
Now I’m not stupid… he got home at 3:30am… the bars close at 3am… so he is still lying to me at this point. I am so pissed off. I left him a note this morning, giving him my engagement ring back. I’m tired of being lied to. He tells me these white lies all the time, even though I know he wouldn’t do anything intentionally to hurt me, I just don’t understand why he has to lie to me about these little things. He is 35 years old. His friend Jason is 25 (and single). He never used to go out during the week, before he started hanging out with this kid. I just don’t know what to do. He is afraid of me getting upset, but when I find things out this way, it is a lot worse. He has lost most of my trust…. So should I call off the engagement? Give him another chance? Am I overreacting?? please help!!!
Post # 3
Breaking off the engagement might be extreme, but it sounds like an ongiong issue, so you definitely shouldn’t do nothing. I’ll say this, I was engaged to a guy once who couldn’t stop lying just for the hell of it. He never did anything that was nearly as bad as the cumulative impact of him lying about everything, and that ended the relationship. I think with your guy, one of two things is going on: he’s really up to no good and feel he needs to hide it, or he’s a compulsive liar and the lies are his biggest offense. In either case, it’s good that you’re seeing the problem and taking a step back.
Post # 4
You deffinitly not over reacting! would it of been so hard for him to say “hey im gonna go to jasons for a bonfire- is that okay since your already in bed?”… but instead he put on his PJs and lied to you. You had to ask him numerous times…
In regards to calling off the engagement- Could you really move forward with someone that you have no trust in? its a tough situation =(
Post # 5
Personally, I think this is not something worth leaving him for. I think you should sit him down and tell him how you’re feeling about this; how hurt you are that he’s lieing to you and that you don’t want to begin a marriage like that.
If he had just called or texted, letting you know he was staying out later, would that have been okay? Or, are you more upset that he’s going out more often?
Post # 6
Definitely NOT overreacting. Are you kidding me?! Not only did he lie to you AFTER the fact, he came in and pretended like he was going to bed and then went back out. There’s only 2 reasons for this: (1) he’s afraid of your reaction/disapproval/not allowing him to do the things he wants to do and so he does them behind your back or (2) he’s lying about more than just going out. Neither of those are acceptable in a mature, adult relationship where you’re ENGAGED to be MARRIED! How ridiculous.
I’m so sorry hun, because you must be really upset and I would be, too. Actually, I think there would have been things thrown at his head at 3:35am when he crawled his lying ass into bed!
I don’t know if you should call off the engagement because I don’t know what other things he’s lied about and whether he’s covering up something here or whether he’s just lying because he thinks you won’t “allow” him to go out with Jason until 3:30am (honestly, I wouldn’t be too keen about the idea either – definitely not more than once a month, that’s for sure)..
What else does he lie about?
If you think that he’s just lying because he’s afraid of your reaction or disapproval, then you need to talk to him and explain that it’s a million and one times worse when you catch him in a lie than if he were to just tell you in advance. There should be some sort of a compromise, he shouldn’t be stifled in the relationship, but you shouldn’t be lied to, either. If you guys can come to some sort of compromise about his going out habits, then I think this issue can be resolved.
But, if you think there’s more to the story (which your OP kind of leads me to believe), then I don’t know if there’s anything yet to be resolved at this point until you know what else is going on.
Always, always follow your gut. If you think there’s more, there’s probably more.
Post # 7
@lmarsch1: ” I’m tired of being lied to. He tells me these white lies all the time”
I would definitely postpone if I was being lied to constantly. That’s no good.
Post # 8
Have you previously addressed this issue and given him a chance to change that behavior? Has he said he wants to tey to change it and hasn’t? If this is a repeat offense after saying he would change, there are real problems. If you haven’t had any serious talks about it and still want to give him a chance, now is the time to have that talk and see where his intentions lie.
Post # 9
Why is it a big deal that he went out for a few drinks? If you keep getting mad at him, maybe that’s why he didn’t want to tell you…
Post # 10
I agree with PP.it seems extreme.. but he needs to learn he cant lie to you, speically if you are going to be married!- if my FI went out til 330..i wouldnt care.. but i KNOW where he was and who he was with before hand!. we dont lie about things like that.
Post # 11
The white lie itself doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but since you said it’s a chronic thing, and he’s not doing anything about it, it’s understandable where you’re coming from. You need to be have honesty and be able to trust the man you’re marrying. If you can’t trust anything the guy says, and always have to be on lie alert, then you’ve made the right call.
Post # 12
This is very clearly an ongoing issue where you have lost all trust in him. And i think you are very certain you deserve better than this.
Best of luck darling.
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
I don’t think you should do anything hasty until you have found out the whole truth and had a very firm conversation with your FI regarding his recent behavior and how it’s making you feel. It is super weird that he came home and went out again and very not cool of him to lie to you.. but it is also a very extreme reaction to call off your engagement, though. Talk to him and find out what’s going on! Good luck!!!
Post # 14
Ahh im sorry hunny!!!! With something like this I think you need to sit down face to face and talk to him about it with out any one else around. I can understand your situation (not with a fiance but a few guys i dated) who were in there late 20s x military and going back to school and hanging out with 18year olds and reverting back to the dramatic days of being 18 in college and having a guy who can buy them alcohol with out an issue!!! Drove me crazy and i started calling them (Peter Pans: the guys who dont want to grow up) Its a really hard thing to confront them on especially if there is something there that you dont know about that he regrets about his youth (grew up to fast, had to accept responsibilities in his mind to soon, never got the “fun 20’s single expiriance” ect) and he may get defensive but you know in your heart if its worth sticking around and making it work together. Hugs for ya! if you need anything else feel free to PM me!
Post # 15
@peachacid: I’m not seeing where it says she gets mad at him for drinking? He put on pajamas and acted like he was in for the night, then lied and said he was on the couch sleeping while he was actually out at a bonfire. Just say you’re going out, don’t lie about it.
Post # 16
@peachacid: She’s saying it’s not a big deal that he went out for a few drinks, it’s that he lied about it to her, and she said he makes up lies like this all the time.