- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
Two weeks to go until my wedding day and one of my bridesmaids has just thrown away nine years of friendship in a bitter, jealous rage. Except now I’ve realised what we had wasn’t a friendship – not the two-way variety anyway – and hadn’t been for some time. Not looking for advice here, just desperately need to offload.
Just to be clear: I am not a bridezilla. I have not asked anything unreasonable and I am not one of those brides who talk about the wedding 24/7, ignore their friends’ lives and forget to be a normal friend. I know some people get caught up in the excitement and don’t realise they’re acting like that, but I didn’t. I know I didn’t. I made a conscious effort not to.
This girl has a very jealous personality. Lots of us have moments when we envy other people but she actually begrudges people nice things, including her friends. I know she was jealous when I met Fiance – my ex had been emotionally and financially abusive, cheated on me, left me for another woman and I finally found happiness and she was jealous (that Fiance is lovely, that I had the self-respect to wait for a great guy rather than settling for any old asshole that would have me). She actually told me she was jealous.
When we got engaged, she was excited. She wanted to hear about the wedding, she asked me to bring wedding magazines to her house, she expected to be a bridesmaid (a while ago she said “well of course I’m a bridesmaid, I would have killed you if I hadn’t been!) and for her daughter to be a flower girl.
But she didn’t like the fact I had other bridesmaids (two uni friends and my old housemate). The other girls were excited to get to know each other and set up an MSN group to talk about the hen and everything. She was bitchy and unpleasant towards and about them.
I’m in the UK where it’s customary for the bride to buy the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses – being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is not meant to cost much money here – and I was paying but wanted them to be happy so asked them to look out for purple dresses they liked. She found fault with everything. She was angry when we went with a dress everyone else liked. Angry when the other BMs all agreed it would be fun to wear the same colour shoes, namely silver, because she thought gold would look better (I don’t like gold). She kept bringing it up over and over, like it was some kind of political battle.
I went to stay with her (it was always me who went to visit her because somehow she never found the money to visit me – but she has a child so that seemed fair enough, though she also never called me and took weeks to reply to texts and emails about anything, and believe me I didn’t just contact her about the wedding) and she told me she would have liked to be more involved in organising my hen do but the others were leaving her out and she thought I should know.
I said, look, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that, I’d rather not be involved in any issues between you, but I’m glad you told me if it makes you feel better, and I am sorry you feel that way. I asked her several times if she was okay. Then I went home and cried to Fiance about how selfish it was of her to tell me that. And THEN the other bridesmaids told me they were having trouble getting hold of her to discuss anything!
She got engaged. I was thrilled for her. I didn’t mind when she said she wanted to get married four months before my wedding. Then they decided not to go ahead as they couldn’t afford it right now. So I guess she was jealous that we had worked and saved and could afford to plan a wedding. And I didn’t rub her nose in it, SHE KEPT ASKING about my wedding.
She got pregnant. I was thrilled for her. She told me it was a good thing she wouldn’t be drinking on my hen night as she would probably have made a scene otherwise. I didn’t expect her to still be a Bridesmaid or Best Man – she wanted to be.
To my immense relief, the hen night went off just fine, except for one thing: one of my friends mentioned the date of my Friday wedding to her and she seemed really shocked. Despite being asked to be Bridesmaid or Best Man, and receiving a save the date and invite, she didn’t know that the wedding was on a Friday.
Then she said she wouldn’t be staying with me the night before. The one thing I asked of my BMs was to stay with me the night before – I was paying for hotel rooms – and I was really disappointed but I understood. I told her it was okay. I told her, quite a few times, that I didn’t want my wedding to cause her any inconvenience, stress or worry.
That wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted me to fall at her feet and beg her to be there.
Her fiance could have driven her down the night before. Mutual friends – one of whom is her daughter’s godmother – invited them to stay. Her fiance didn’t want to stay at their house because they have a baby so that would be annoying. (His girlfriend is PREGNANT) and they would have to stay in the living room (it’s the living room, it’s not a dungeon). I thought that sucked, but never said so.
On Wednesday, Fiance took a day off work and drove 150 miles to take this Bridesmaid or Best Man and her daughter shopping for the little girl’s flower girl dress. It was the only way they could go – she wasn’t willing to get on a bus. She texted me saying: I know it’ll take as long as it takes to find a dress but can we get back by 5 as I want to be there when my boyfriend gets home from work. Because obviously that’s more important, never mind the fact we were driving 150 miles and had one day to look because she hates the internet, wasn’t willing to try and return things bought online and couldn’t be relied on to return them in time. But I said, okay, if you want to be back by then we’ll make it happen. Then I said, by the way I’d like to take your dress back with me as if you bring it with you on the day it’ll be coming out of a bag just hours before the wedding and I think it’s best I have it all ready for you.
We went out to lunch and she casually mentioned that her fiance hadn’t taken our wedding day off work. (I was one of her two closest friends and they’d known about the wedding for a year.)
Me: “Er, could you not tell me that?”
Her: “Well, I thought you should know. If he can’t get the day off, we won’t be able to come.”
Me: “Seriously, could you please stop telling me about problems before they happen?”
But she kept on telling me that he didn’t have the day off. I think maybe I was meant to cry and say I couldn’t get married without her.
Then we went shopping (FI went off and amused himself until we were ready to be picked up). We found a dress that would have been lovely but had no zip so was too hard to get on and off. She suggested buying it and having it altered. I said I didn’t want the stress of having to have that done with just two weeks to go.
And she exploded. I still don’t really understand what triggered it, but she told me that she was sick of hearing about the wedding, that “it should be over with by now” (???), that she was dreading it and she “had different priorities now”. I know she is pregnant. I didn’t expect her to still be a bridesmaid – she wanted to be. (And bear in mind that when another close friend had a baby and understandably had less time for her, she froze her out. She hasn’t spoken to her for ages.) That she didn’t understand why I was sending texts hassling her that morning when I was about to see her (she sent me a text asking a question and I replied and mentioned I needed her dress so she’d know to have it ready, I was not hassling her).
Okay, I said, I don’t want to cause you stress. You don’t have to come. You don’t have to be a bridesmaid. But what you’re saying is untrue and unfair.
Again, I think I was meant to cry and say I couldn’t get married without her.
Then she said everyone else was helping and doing things for the wedding except her. But they’re helping because they offered to do things, I said. “Well I NEED you to do lots of things for MY wedding,” came the response. As if it’s a crime to have other people around to help with stuff too (which she would if she didn’t spend all her time being bitter and jealous). She told me she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid but she couldn’t just come as a guest because she didn’t have anything else to wear. When I said, well, that’s not really a reason to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, she literally put her seven-year-old daughter between us and said: “Okay then. Tell [daughter] she can’t be a bridesmaid.”
And then she said: “Right then, indulge me. Tell me you still want me to be a bridesmaid. Tell me you want me to come.” I told her I wasn’t playing that game. (I would have begged the others – but they would never have created a situation where I needed to.)
She has since texted me to say that her daughter is fine with it and they won’t be coming.
I am in a complete state of shock. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. In my head I’m mad, and relieved this has happened now and not the day before; in my heart I’m sad. I’ve spent most of the last two days crying. I am not the person she made me out to be. I have been there for her through thick and thin, and two weeks before I get married she does this – because she is jealous.
I know pregnancy is an emotional and hormonal time, but I don’t think it’s a license to be horrible to your friends. She has been nothing but awkward and unpleasant throughout my engagement, but I’m meant to be the one who has done wrong? I wish I’d never met her. Because I never expected to be feeling like this two weeks before I get married.
Fiance (who has been brilliant) says if the little girl is disappointed, it’s not my fault – it’s her mother’s fault. Everyone else has said she is obviously jealous. I just feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I am not a bad person, I am not a bad friend, if I was the person she made me out to be I would take it on the chin but I am not.
Thanks for listening if you got this far.