Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2014 - Waldorf Astoria, Chicago
So my FI’s brother is so excited about our wedding. He booked his hotel at the Waldorf (where we are getting married) the day he got our STD. Then he called my FI and told him he was coming wtih his wife (a woman he just married last year and no-one has met) and her three kids, and their grand-children. Are you kidding me!!! This is an adults only wedding. The only children invited are those in the wedding. I had to tell my sisters they could not bring my nephews, who I know and Love…and his brother wants to bring an entire family we aren’t related to or ever met!! So FI explains to him that no kids are invited, and his brother says he will cover their plates, well the plates are $305/person…and even if plates were $10/person it’s not an option. Then his brother calls his dad and complains. So now they are not coming to the reception because they think we are dissing his family!! I’m so annoyed and stressed out over this!
Last weekend at Easter his Dad brought it up and said he has never been to a nice wedding so he just doesn’t understand the problem, and that is fine…but somebody please explain it to him! He is now planning on bringing the whole family to the ceremony and not going to the reception. This is still not an option! I do not want children I don’t know running around and crying during my ceremony. I don’t care if that is rude, but I don’t even know these kids, and we are getting married in the hotel if their kids are running around it will be very disruptive and I don’t want them in the aisle ruining my photos!
Also his step-mom is not allowing her daughter to come to the wedding because, in her words not mine, she turns into a red-neck when she drinks. I think she is worried her daughter will embarass her. So she suggests why don’t you give those seats to some of Steve’s family members. Um, No Way!! I am not give his family we don’t know seats when we would much rather give those to friends from our B list.
Any advice you guys could give on this situation?? I feel like I’m being overly rude when I discuss this with his parents, but it’s a non-negotable with me. I do not want his family at the wedding. UGH, I didn’t think I would run into a problem like this 🙁
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Even if no one has met his wife, she’s his wife, so she gets an invite. BUT! If you made the decision to make the wedding child-free, you have every right to enforce that. Stand your ground, and let them know that you really won’t be able to accommodate them OR their kids if they insist. You will miss their presence but hope they can end up coming by respecting your decision. You don’t *have* to defend your decision (“It’s expensive per-plate” etc), and try not to get dragged into excuses.
Post # 3
The wife you have to invite. The kids, stand your ground.
Post # 4
I agree to a point with the above posters, but he should have notified you that he was planning to bring a +1. On top of that, he certainly should not have invited his children and ‘assumed’ you would accommodate them. It’s rudeness of the highest calibre.
If anyone (else) tries to slip in extra guests, I have a suggestion – continue to enforce the blanket ban on children. Let it be known that you are printing a guest list for the doors and essentially if their name is not on there, they are not coming in. End of.
Post # 5
Just call and repeat kids are not welcome at the ceremony or reception. It is not their event to invite people to. If the brother and his wife want to attend you will be happy but will miss them if they chose not to attend. Be firm and sound tough because honestly people always try to skirt around these issues and be too nice to offending family and then the family never gets it.
Post # 6
kellynn323: Agreed, you are being “overly rude” and if this post is any indication of how you delivered the “no children allowed” news, it comes of as very “you cant sit with us because you are not even good enough for our B-list.”
Yes, I get that it is wrong for people to add others to a guest list of another person wedding (especially children when the invitations say that’s a no go). But it doesnt seem like you dont want the extended family there especially since you regard your FI’s SIL as “a woman he just married last year and no-one has met.”
STDs can sometimes be misleading because they do not provide the requisite seat number reserved. Simply say the invite is for both you and your wife and that’s that…
Post # 7
Have your FI tell his brother that you cannot allow his children/grandchildren because it would not be fair to all the other guests who also have kids. Heck, tell them your venue is aware of the no-children policy and will not be admitting any kids to the ceremony or reception. End of story.
I would not give any financial reasons as to why they can’t come, because that just opens the door for the “I’ll pay for their plate” crap.
Post # 8
I agree that you have every right to have your child free wedding. You would also be on firm ground to invite only the children of immediate family members and no one else.
However, to depart a bit from the topic slightly, what I am not fan of is the practice of kids in the bridal party being invited at the expense and exclusion of the children in the immediate family, for instance, your nephews. Children are guests, not props. To me, a flower girl and a ring bearer are not necessities at all if it means excluding children who are just as close or closer.
What many people do is to rent out a room and provide childcare.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2014 - Waldorf Astoria, Chicago
Thanks everyone. I’m just really stressed out b/c I am looking like I don’t care about his extended family (that is not related by blood) which by the way I only mention this and that he just married this woman so you guys can understand that these people have not been in our lives forever. His wife is of course invited. Just not the kids. I didn’t think this would come up until after the invites were sent out and I plan on stating on the invite no children are invited. I just didn’t realize people would actually try to invite un-invited guests, kids or not!
I will have my FI talk to him and explain the situation, I just feel awful b/c it does sound like we don’t care and that’s not the case we would love to meet his new family. I think inviting them to the morning after brunch is a great suggestion!!
mrsaxachef: Our invitations have not yet been sent out…I didn’t think it was appropriate to list no kids alowed on the STD. And the STD was addressed to both his brother and his brothers new wife, which I thought indicated that they were the only ones invited. Hence why I am now coming across as rude when I mention kids are not invited, and no you can not pay for their plates to attend.
weddingmaven: I see where you are coming from, and the kids invited (2 flower girls and ring bearer) are not props to me. They are very special children in my life and I am thrilled to have them at my wedding! Our venue space is very small it only accomidates 150 people max. We will have around 100-130 (we invited 130). With all the tables in the room there is barely enough room left over for a dance floor and our photo-booth, it is going to be very crowded. It’s just not condusive to have small children running around. If we were doing this in a larger ball room I would have allowed children, but due to the space it just doesn’t make sense. There isn’t enough room for them to run around and be kids w/out running into tables and potential breaking things.
Post # 10
No kids means no kids. You’re having a no kids wedding, he thinks he’s above the rules.
When your FI talks to him, I’d leave out the paltry nonsense about not being blood relatives, never meeting the wife, not knowing the children, etc. because none of that actually matters and makes you look petty. The bottom line is that kids are not invited to your wedding, and no exceptions are being made.
Post # 11
Everyone is right. This is your day and you make the rules. If they can’t understand that then tough! Hope everything works out for you.
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
I would make it less about how you don’t know his family and don’t want them there and more about how you’re having a child-free ceremony and reception. Tell him you’re sorry for any miscommunication or possibly rude/impolite exchanges in the past. (It sounds like he needs to hear an apology if he thinks you’ve been rude, regardless of if you have or haven’t been rude in your opinion). Continue that you would love to celebrate the day with him and his wife. But stand firm that you will not be able to accommodate all children under the age of (pick an age, say 15 and under, for example). That way, you’re not saying his children “aren’t invited” or “aren’t welcome.” They just can’t be accommodated. If they offer to pay again, say you’re sorry but that’s not what it’s about. Explain that you have already turned down your sister’s nephews and cannot make any exceptions. Say that if that means they won’t be coming, you’ll be very sad to miss them. But the day is about you and your FI and the celebration will continue on without them.
FYI tips on child-friendly weddings that don’t have to be a hassle: I hired 2 professional babysitters to occupy children during the reception in a separate room from where all the adults were. Everyone was very well behaved during the ceremony, and it did not negatively impact the day in any way. In addition, no caterer will charge you the same amount for a child as they would for an adult. Our caterer put together chicken fingers and fries for something like $8/child.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2014 - Waldorf Astoria, Chicago
Christy42213: Thank you. Great Advice 🙂
Thanks everyone for your input. I needed this. To be honest its the first time I felt like a bridezilla (ugh hate that word). And I’m still 4 months away from my wedding. I’ve been under alot of stress buying a new home and in the process selling our current home, so I’m just super stressed out and not sleeping. I hope I’m not such a disaster as my wedding date gets closer!!
I will keep things simple and let everyone know unfortunately we can not accomidate kids at the wedding and hopefully everyone will understand. You can’t make everyone happy…
Post # 15
kellynn323: Not only isn’t it appropriate to put “no kids” or “adults wedding only” on an STD, it is also considered inappropriate to put it anywhere on the invitation. I’m afraid that despite the trend toward this, in the etiquette world it implies that you consider the majority of your guests to be too “dumb” to be able to read a simple invitation.
If anyone mistakenly RSVPs for an uninvited guest, better then to deal with it on on individual basis by saying “We are sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was only meant for you and John. We hope you are still able to join us.”