Can't belive this is happening to us….UGH!

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Even if no one has met his wife, she’s his wife, so she gets an invite. BUT! If you made the decision to make the wedding child-free, you have every right to enforce that. Stand your ground, and let them know that you really won’t be able to accommodate them OR their kids if they insist. You will miss their presence but hope they can end up coming by respecting your decision. You don’t *have* to defend your decision (“It’s expensive per-plate” etc), and try not to get dragged into excuses.

Post # 3
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

The wife you have to invite.  The kids, stand your ground.

Post # 4
Member
16 posts
Newbee

I agree to a point with the above posters, but he should have notified you that he was planning to bring a +1. On top of that, he certainly should not have invited his children and ‘assumed’ you would accommodate them. It’s rudeness of the highest calibre.

If anyone (else) tries to slip in extra guests, I have a suggestion – continue to enforce the blanket ban on children. Let it be known that you are printing a guest list for the doors and essentially if their name is not on there, they are not coming in. End of.

Post # 5
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Just call and repeat kids are not welcome at the ceremony or reception. It is not their event to invite people to. If the brother and his wife want to attend you will be happy but will miss them if they chose not to attend. Be firm and sound tough because honestly people always try to skirt around these issues and be too nice to offending family and then the family never gets it. 

Post # 6
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

kellynn323:  Agreed, you are being “overly rude” and if this post is any indication of how you delivered the “no children allowed” news, it comes of as very “you cant sit with us because you are not even good enough for our B-list.”

Yes, I get that it is wrong for people to add others to a guest list of another person wedding (especially children when the invitations say that’s a no go). But it doesnt seem like you dont want the extended family there especially since you regard your FI’s SIL as “a woman he just married last year and no-one has met.”

STDs can sometimes be misleading because they do not provide the requisite seat number reserved. Simply say the invite is for both you and your wife and that’s that…

Post # 7
Member
7084 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Have your FI tell his brother that you cannot allow his children/grandchildren because it would not be fair to all the other guests who also have kids. Heck, tell them your venue is aware of the no-children policy and will not be admitting any kids to the ceremony or reception. End of story.

I would not give any financial reasons as to why they can’t come, because that just opens the door for the “I’ll pay for their plate” crap.

Post # 8
Member
6888 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I agree that you have every right to have your child free wedding.  You would also be on firm ground to invite only the children of immediate family members and no one else.  

However, to depart a bit from the topic slightly, what I am not fan of is the practice of kids in the bridal party being invited at the expense and exclusion of the children in the  immediate family, for instance, your nephews.  Children are guests, not props.  To me, a flower girl and a ring bearer are not necessities at all if it means excluding children who are just as close or closer.  

What many people do  is to rent out a room and provide childcare.  

Post # 10
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

No kids means no kids. You’re having a no kids wedding, he thinks he’s above the rules.

When your FI talks to him, I’d leave out the paltry nonsense about not being blood relatives, never meeting the wife, not knowing the children, etc.  because none of that actually matters and makes you look petty. The bottom line is that kids are not invited to your wedding, and no exceptions are being made.

Post # 11
Member
5 posts
Newbee

Everyone is right.  This is your day and you make the rules.  If they can’t understand that then tough!  Hope everything works out for you.

Post # 12
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

I would make it less about how you don’t know his family and don’t want them there and more about how you’re having a child-free ceremony and reception.  Tell him you’re sorry for any miscommunication or possibly rude/impolite exchanges in the past.  (It sounds like he needs to hear an apology if he thinks you’ve been rude, regardless of if you have or haven’t been rude in your opinion).  Continue that you would love to celebrate the day with him and his wife.  But stand firm that you will not be able to accommodate all children under the age of (pick an age, say 15 and under, for example).  That way, you’re not saying his children “aren’t invited” or “aren’t welcome.”  They just can’t be accommodated.  If they offer to pay again, say you’re sorry but that’s not what it’s about.  Explain that you have already turned down your sister’s nephews and cannot make any exceptions.  Say that if that means they won’t be coming, you’ll be very sad to miss them.  But the day is about you and your FI and the celebration will continue on without them.

FYI tips on child-friendly weddings that don’t have to be a hassle: I hired 2 professional babysitters to occupy children during the reception in a separate room from where all the adults were.  Everyone was very well behaved during the ceremony, and it did not negatively impact the day in any way.  In addition, no caterer will charge you the same amount for a child as they would for an adult.  Our caterer put together chicken fingers and fries for something like $8/child.

Post # 14
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Post # 15
Member
6888 posts
Busy Beekeeper

kellynn323:  Not only isn’t it appropriate to put “no kids” or “adults wedding only” on an STD, it is also considered  inappropriate to put it anywhere on the invitation. I’m afraid that despite the trend toward this,  in the etiquette world it implies that you consider the majority of your  guests to be  too “dumb” to be able to read a simple invitation.  

If anyone mistakenly RSVPs for an uninvited guest, better then to  deal with it on on individual basis by saying “We are sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was only meant for you and John.  We hope you are still able to join us.”  

 

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