- 6 years ago
Well, I am not engaged yet. However lately I have been dealing with a MASS of anxiety and emotions about what will happen after the engagement and into the wedding and frankly I don’t know if I can take much more.
My brain hurts trying to wrap my head enough around this situation to be able to explain it fully and with some sort of coherence. My SO is wonderful, our relationship is more than wonderful, we are happy and in love. If it were up to me we would run away with a few close friends to the beautiful woods and elope with candles in the trees (romantic and less fire-hazard-ish in my daydream LOL) and flowers all around. A celebration of LOVE and JOY. NOT an event to appease everyone who needs appeasing when two people get married which is what I am just dreading happening.
First, there’s MY family. Oh I love, love, love them to pieces but boy can they drive me bonkers. On the one hand there is my Grandma and Aunt who will be very overly excited and want to come and be a part of it but of course there is a distance between my mom and these 2. My mom says that she loves them and there is no bad blood but then refuses to come to my birthday party because she had heard I invited them and they were coming. I was so hurt that she wasn’t going to come I cancelled the whole party. There were other reasons logistically the party wasn’t going to work out but I mostly was just upset she was going to not come… it probably helps to know my mom has been notorious for missing things in my life because in her eyes they aren’t important and even if it’s important to me she’ll just see it as me wasting my energy on something trivial. I.e. Getting upset about birthday’s because in her eyes birthday’s and holidays are just part of social conditioning and I shouldn’t want to fall subject to that. My mom is stubborn as a MULE there is no talking to her on these matters. It’s exasperating. Well this first situation has got me all worked up because I can see my Mom not coming to my wedding/going to fittings,etc/helping plan if my other family is involved but I don’t want to not invite them to these things because just because she wants to “love them from a distance” doensn’t mean I want to. I don’t want to have to not invite them to things or have them miss out… I am my grandmothers first granddaughter to be getting married, I want her to be there. I definitely want my MOM there too though. Then I’m worried if she does come it’ll just be tension and akwardness beause my mom would do that on purpose. She likes to push buttons and isn’t afraid to say exactly what she is thinking. I just feel like this whole time that I’m supposed to be happy no one else will be.
Then there are my friends, I’m pretty introverted so I only have like 4 really good friends, two of which are my cousins so they almost don’t count as “friends” but that is really here nor there. My two friends who are farish away (probably 1-2 hours away maybe) I know will be excited and want to help but they are at a distance and they won’t always be around and that stresses me because they are the ones I want there because I know they will be really excited for me as opposed to my cousins. My cousins are pretty much the exact opposite of me but my one cousin and I have been best friends since infancy so she’s obviously going to be there. But she’s a huge partier (well they BOTH are) and she thinks I am just obsessed with SO because I don’t want to come party at the bars 45 minutes away every Friday night when I can’t even get her to come to my house and hang out for a day. Then my other cousin is bitter from relationships and hates men (my other cousin is like this as well but has a boyfriend right now so she’s a little less vocal than normal) and I iust feel like they are only going to be excited because a wedding = a chance to party. They haven’t supported SO and I at all throughout our realtionship and I just don’t even want these kinds of people at what is supposed to be a celebration. But at the same time I want them there but I just wish it could be a happy time.
On top of all this there is my SO’s family,
His mom and grandma are obsessed with him. Well they all are actually Dad included. Just to them his is the goldenest of golden children if there ever was a real golden child. I think it’s cute and funny it’s not in a call everyday way but just man when he shits you would’ve thought he flew to the moon! They just love him a lot and I get that. But his mom tells me our wedding will be “the event of the century.” ….. O.o That sounds 1. expensive 2. like it will have a lot of people in attendance. Big ceremony NOT what I intended. Then if they give money I am worried it can then be use it to have control over things, and because i’m shy, I hate conflict esp with my SOs mom and GMA when they are contributing to the wedding. SO’s mom is notorious for doing this with money and i’m really really really nervous about this. Money is such an akward topic for me, I don’t like owing money and i really hate accepting it from others. I also don’t want her to contribute then we use the $ for something and then she has one of her fits and wants the money back and they we’re screwed for a vendor or whatever the $ had gone to.
I’m worried that SO’s mom and dad who are divorced will have issues or some sort of drama will ensue there esp with his mom’s SO.
Then there are quite a few alcoholics in our families and I’m worried how that will turn out but I don’t think anyone would come if we had a dry wedding. plus *I *kind of want to have fun too, not that you can’t have fun and not drink, but it eases my shyness so I am more fun I think.
I am worried that since I don’t want to get married in a church or have kids at the wedding I’m going to piss one or both grandmothers off and any guests that have kids but most of our guests would be people our age (23) and not many have kids.
I’m worried that SO will be busy with new career path and won’t be there to help be my defender! I am going to need him there and I am just stressed because he says that he’ll help with the planning but I think he thinks just asking if something looks “good”. No. I’ve never planned a wedding before… never even THOUGHT about it. I don’t know any of the ettiqutte or where to even begin. I am going to need his full help and I just hope he isn’t saying things he won’t be able to follow through with because I will not be doing this alone.
On top of all this I am worried after we get married we’ll fall out of love or I’ll turn in to hag wife instead of hot gf. And worst of all is SO has noticed my anxiety and thinks that I am upset he hasn’t proposed yet 🙁 After I already told him 100 times I’m fine with waiting he just automatically assumes that I’m impatient when actually I’m dying on the inside feeling that any time i try to get excited all these stressors just bog me down and I cna’t even get excited anymore I just want to “get it over with” and make everyone happy despite what we want. That makes me sad.
UGH!! I need a STRONG drink.
I almost think we should put off getting engaged but I love SO and *I* am excited and happy and don’t want to wait longer.
Thanks for listening to me bees!!!