Post # 1
I know there are quite a few posts about this topic but I could really use some advice! I have a serious case of baby fever and it’s really throwing me through a loop. I’m 26 and Mr. Librarian is 23 (but freakishly mature). Up until about 5 months ago I would have told anyone who asked that kids weren’t in the plan for years. FI and I started dating in January and knew pretty early on that we were going to get married. It’s been a fast relationship but totally right for us.
He has always, almost from day 1, been all about having a family young and early. He’s in the army (I know I say this in almost every post haha, sorry! Just explains a lot of whats going on in my life right now that is atypical) and a good majority of his friends the same age or YOUNGER, already have babies with their wives. It may be one of the things that makes him think about it so much.
We initially agreed to start trying on our 1 year anniversary but lately I’ve been having dreams about getting pregnant, getting all mushy when I see babies–just all babies, all the time! So he said if I wanted we could start trying as soon as we get married. But I just don’t know! I love him beyond words, I can’t wait to get married, and I would really love to have a baby with him! I’m just scared how it will change things, ie: alone time, finances, my masters degree I’m in the middle of…plenty of reasons to wait, but do you think you’re ever totally ready? Is it crazy for us to start trying? Advice, tips, words of wisdom please!!
Post # 3
my friend babysat her infant niece for a weekend. she changed her mind about having babies anytime soon after that. are there babies you could mind for an afternoon or two?
Post # 4
Miss L, You have a classic case of baby rabies! Haha. I dont think anyone is ever, truly 100% ready to have a baby even when we say “Im ready to have a baby.” Those SAME fears pop up in the back of your mind even after you say youre ready. That being said, we have decided to wait a year or two. We want to enjoy being newlyweds and have some alone married time before we bring someone else into it. My brother and his wife had to get pregnant through invitro, and even as she was going thru it, they were like “OMG…no more alone time, what about school, what about daycare?” etc.
The fact that he is in the army – is he deployed (I think I remember you saying he was in the boudoir session post.) Will he be when you have the baby? Its your personal decision, but you both have a year or so to wait…Id say give it through the wedding, enjoy newly married life for a month, and re-evaluate how you feel then.
Also, like above, I spent a weekend with my 2 year old god daughter and was like NOT RIGHT NOW. Kicked my craving aside for that time!
Post # 5
I agree that you should probably spend a full day or two babysitting for someone. Even if the day goes well, you’ll get just a tiny idea of what it’s like to have one of your own. I know a lot of premarital counselors will advise you to be married a full year before concieving, because no matter how well you think you know your FI, things do change after the wedding, and you will want that couple time more than you realize.
Watching Special Delivery and other baby shows normally terrifies me into not wanting a child anytime soon.
Post # 6
I think the newlywed era is such a precious and unique time where a couple gets to grow in their love and set the foundation for their family. Maybe you can think of the first year as setting the groundwork for an eventual baby. The things you do now will contribute to the well-being of that future child.
You’ll still have to set up your home together, finish your masters, work on the financials… all things that will help when you do decide to conceive.
If we had the luxury of time (damn those aging eggs!) we’d definitely wait at least a year… but I’m a late bloomer and running out of time, so we’ve got to get busy!
Post # 7
My recommendation would be to babysit for a full day. It’s definitely tough work, and I agree with Kelly – I don’t think anyone is fully prepared for a baby, even though you know you’re ready for that step in your life.
Getting married is a really big, life-changing event. I would try to stick with your original plan of trying to get pregnant around your year anniversary. Be newlyweds for a year! Unless you know right now about a specific medical issue that might prevent you from having children a year from now, it doesn’t hurt to wait a bit.
Post # 8
thank you ladies, in my head I know it’s crazy to even be thinking about it! But there is just this pull in my gut to start trying. FI is normally the level headed rational one in our relationship, so when he encourages the baby making idea it’s hard for me to see the other side of the coin! I always thought it was just a figure of speech that you feel your clock start ticking but man, it really does. It’s like I woke up one morning and my body said ‘time to make babies’ haha. I think I will stick to the original plan, even though it is so so hard. And I think borrowing one of his friends babies for a day might help him put the breaks on too!
Kellyv, he is not deployed now but will be leaving in the next 4-5 months. I want him to be there every step of the way with the pregnancy, I don’t want him to miss out on anything baby related! I don’t know why but almost all of his friends (military bees–do you notice this too??) want to get their wives pregnant before the leave. It seems odd to me.
Thanks for all the advice! I will need to re-read this post frequently to curb the urge I think 🙂
Post # 9
keep reading Miss L! Im surrounded by military (my brother was deployed, several of his friends as well) and youre right, most of them got their wives pregnant RIGHT before deployment! Actually, my one friend did that THREE-count em-THREE times! Got her pregnant on his short leave then had to go back lol. My brother didnt miss the pregnancy, but he did miss a chunk of my nieces first few months (2-3.5) when he did a short deployment to Thailand, and he said it crushed him to miss that and that he couldnt have imagined missing the pregnancy. Id wait for him . Dont worry, Im ticking too!!!
Post # 10
story of my life. When i was 20 and DH was in charge of a battalion (he was 23 at the time) he was all whiny about how it “wasn’t fair” that here he was, these soldiers’ bosses, and they all get to have a family and not us.
Ummmm. I was 20. Let me finish my bachelors! First things first buddy.
Yes, it is an Army thing that the guys WANT to knock up their wives before they get deployed! I asked DH about this (it’s not fair to your wife in my opinion, all alone like that!) and he said it’s to keep the wife focused on her husband and family and sad but true, it keeps her on a tight rein. At my pre-deployment meeting, the divorce rate is 80% for people who get married right before deployment and babies are often a factor. It’s stupid and makes me mad, but that’s what they told us and that’s what DH said is a common mindset, particularly amonst the younger soldiers.
I went and visited my SIL and her 5 day old baby. She looks EXHAUSTED. She has stitches and everything. The thought of it all just makes me cringe…every 2 hour feedings, etc.
I remind myself that even if i *want* something, logically it doesn’t mean I’m ready for it. If you have the luxury of time (even a year), enjoy your newlywed bliss.
Military wifeness is a tough adjustment. Give that some time. It’s a weird world all on its own. Aer you going to live on base? There are things to consider before you go get pregnant! Oh please don’t do it while he’s deployed! How awful!
I’m with DG. I don’t have the luxury of time, but I reaaaaallly wish I did!
Post # 11
Haha Miss Librarian I just wanted to say that you are right about him being in the Army making a difference. I really believe that guys in the military, like my fiance and yours, have a much clearer sense of mortality and therefore an earlier desire to have children than most men their age in a different situation. My fiance has been very vocal about wanting to have babies since early on, and it has only gotten louder since his younger brother found out he was going to be a father.
I say, if you and your fiance both want a baby, and have the means and time to support it then go for it! Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your decision whatever it may be.
Post # 12
Ohh, good point EJS. It is true a lot of guys think that way and a lot of marriages end up like that. Sad but true :(.
Post # 13
I know, you just can’t deny the statistics unfortunately. And realistically, a lot of guys figure it’s ok because their young, new bride will just move back home with her parents and THEY will take care of her. Which happens a lot, too, and they heavily advise you NOT live home during his deployment because it backtracks your relationship.
Pregnant women sorta stick out in a bar a lot more than not pregnant women, even if they’re married.
Keep yourself busy while he’s gone!
I’m curious to see how DH’s baby rabies is going now that we’re married, lol. He has army babies on the brain, too =]. We’ll see how he feels when it’s time for the first 2am feeding
Post # 14
I really think it’s a mixture of everything you all said above, sense of mortality AND I’m sure having me pregnant while he’s gone, and well, off the party scene would put his mind at ease a little. I know the girlfriend he had during his last deployment cheated on him twice (that he knows of!). Has to be a factor. Although it doesn’t explain my baby rabies haha! Silly biological clock.
That is very interesting EJS! I didn’t know they advise you to not live at home. I’m moving up to the base when we get married (about an hour and ten minutes from where I live/work now and commuting every day to work…gulp) but then when he deploys I was planning on moving home with the parents. I don’t think I want to commute that far if I don’t have to. Do they really think it can hurt the relationship if I move back? and why?
This is all so so helpful ladies 🙂 thank you!!!
Post # 15
Make sure you guys have good trust and that he’s over what happened. It can be a hard pill to swallow, and hopefully he doesn’t just expect you to stay home all the time. DH was like, “no, you’re 22, I expect you to go out and I don’t expect anything bad to happen”. I went out, I had a few nights where I drank too much, but I was always with my girls. I didn’t dance with guys, I didn’t ask for trouble, you know. You can go out and have fun without looking for attention. Cheating is really common during deployments…it’s so easy to do, and so easy to hide. Sad sad sad.
Yeah, they really tell you not to move home. Well, it can hurt your relationship. I don’t have the powepoint anymore…BUT, they say it can be really hard on your relationship with your husband/SO. Basically you lose that mentality and move *backwards* in that you become their child again and you lose your independence. It’s more stressful amongst other things. I really can’t remember, I just remember going, “who the heck moves back home after they’ve been married and have kids and everything?!” and DH said it was really common. Sometimes the mom needs the help, but I can only imagine that when DH moves home and it’s time to move back in with him, it’s a new mentality to get used to “living on your own” again. The FRG group really strongly advised against it. Just evaluate the relationship you have with your parents first. Mine were not that supportive during his deployment (i think they expected us not to make it? i dunno, dad in particular kept saying i had no reason to be upset….?) and I couldn’t have done it. Plus, living on my own, I was able to realize how much I’ve grown since then. Moving back in with my parents is akin to being in high school again.
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country
The best advice I’ve ever gotten when it comes to having children is that YOU WILL NEVER BE FULLY READY. Perhaps after you get married, you can discuss not necessarily TRYING, but maybe just going off the pill, and seeing what happens? If it’s written in the stars, then maybe you’ll get a baby surprise! If not, and a year goes by, then you can really start trying? 🙂