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Hey Bees!
So I need somewhere safe to vent this, because FI's parents think it isn't a big deal and I'm not talking to my mother right now.
To preface my post, FI is the third of his father's six children (three boys with wife #1, three girls with wife #2). His older brothers were identical twins. The "first-born" twin who we'll call T has always had to be the center of attention since he was very small and has a lot of control, violence, substance abuse and rage issues. When his twin brother E killed himself last September he became even further disconnected from his family.
In about January of last year he started seeing this woman C after having broken up with his last short term girlfriend who threatened to call the police when she discovered he was stalking her (he has been arrested for stalking women before). Their relationship started off badly with her cheating on him, falling pregnant and getting an abortion on Valentines Day of last year. And of course his reaction was to steal her shoes from the abortion clinic...but anyway, they continued to have nasty fights (sometimes physical) for months until he one day brought her home in April.
We all tried our best to try to put out of our minds what we already knew about her, but she was so rude, abrasive and frankly disgusting (giving FBIL a rub down under the table next to FI's nine year old sister? Who does that?!) that we all knew she was not for us. Regardless, we all were very nice to her to make FI's brother happy. But since FI and got engaged last December, FBIL has been especially hostile towards us so it didn't matter what we did we were being mean to her.
Shortly after we met her they announced that they were pregnant and since she's used up all her free abortions (our province gives you three for free) they were keeping it. She kept drinking, smoking and eating pot brownies...but they were keeping it. And as a result they wanted to move out of their townhouse (they moved in together less than a month before with a two year lease), and wanted my help (I work as a paralegal at a corporate law firm) to draft a notice to terminate their lease based on deficiencies in the property. Long story short, they lied to me about the deficiencies, the notice that I spent days drafting for free was invalid on its face and FBIl threatened his landlady and her two young children at their home that he'd burn their house down with them inside if they didn't let him out of the lease. We helped them move into their new place.
Anyway, in September of this year she has the baby at 21 weeks and it died (it was later determined the yeast infection that she'd let rage for 5 months was what killed the baby in utero). FI, FI's oldest sister and I took care of them, cleaned up their new house so there wasn't blood everywhere when she came home. At the hospital she's laughing and carrying on about how she wants to try for another one...I just kind of stared but I figured this was how she was grieving so I shouldn't judge her. Well the next day they have pictures of their poor, emaciated dead baby all over their facebook accounts. To be really honest I was almost sick over how wrong it was, and these photos are still their profile photos to this day.
Anyway, in September FI's oldest sister (who is 17) came to me and told me she's pregnant by her ex. She has still not told her family, I posted about this on here a month or so ago. Regardless me and her are talking about it when we have a chance to see each other which is usually at family events. C has decided that for whatever reason we are talking about her, and therein does not like us. She's told FBIL that he's not allowed to come to our wedding, that FI's family is too "depressing" and that I am a miserable person for standing by my FI after his brother died (still figuring that one out).
I can't stand her Bees, she starts so much drama in FI's family and she's frankly ruining FBIL's life. Furthermore, she's always making rude comments about my FIL that he doesn't know about that would break his heart. Should I say something to this lunatic at long last, or should I continue to weather the nonsense for my FBIL who continually blames all of their problems with the family on me and FI?
Sorry that was so long, that's months of unsaid stuff I needed to get out!
Just to clarify- I believe FBIL is ruining his OWN life (she's not helping).
I'm not sure there is anything you can say that will rectify this.
I swear to God something is legitimately wrong with her- there has to be.
I agree, I'm not trying to make all of his bad choices her fault, but I just feel like she's the catalyst to it all.
@FutureJessicaMcB: If he's been arrested in the past for stalking other women, he obviously has his own pre-existing issues. She's not helping, but she's definitely not the catalyst.
She sounds like she has a lot of issues that need to be worked out. Until she receives the healing she needs she will continue to be ridiculous :( I don't think confronting her or telling others what is going on will really help. I would just avoid her when possible and when not kill her with kindness. All you can do is refuse to be sucked into the drama. ((Hugs)) Sorry you are going thru this.
This is so messed up. My advice: try to stay out of it as much as possible. :/ I wouldn't want to be remotely involved. I do agree there may be something wrong with these people mentally....
@FutureJessicaMcB: I know a little something about crazy family members. FSIL got knocked up by a guy after knowing him a month and has had another baby with this guy ( and is looking pregnant again). SHe has no friends, and i have tried really hard to be there for her.But every time i think things are good between us, she blows up on me. One time we got into a physical fight. So right now were not talking becuase of FIS mom. She got me involve insomething that wasnt my business. But the guy shes married to, puts all of his needs over his families. She has a car that she never gets to use because hes too lazy to walk to work, which is literally accross the street from their house, and he bought a dog before he paid to get their phones turned back on. He has isolated her from everyone she knows, and i have heard him say he wished she wouldnt go over to her parents house.
FBIL sees nothing wrong and 'lets' her be a psycho. I dont htink anything anyone can say will change his mind or show him 'the light'. it might drive him to her more and cause more drama. Would be easier to just not deal with either of them
True, I know his stalking women was a pretty big issue (obviously) but it's just harder to ignore I guess now that she's brought it to the fore-front within the family.
*sigh* This is what I figured. I've wanted to tell her off so many times, but I stop myself because I know she's too crazy to appreciate it.
We try, but it's hard when my IL's get mad at us for "avoiding" them.
Ugh that sounds just like her. Sorry you also have to deal with crazy people!
This is essentially what my girlfriends keep telling me, but we can't cut them out of our lives because of how FI's dysfunctional family gets on.
You can't control what pics they post on FB, but you can unfriend them or hide their status updates so you don't have to see it. And you can't tell FBIL who to date or to break up wtih his GF, he has to figure that out on his own.
What you can do is be upfront with him and say that you know he lied to you about the apartment and as a result you won't be helping him out anymore from a legal standpoint. And it's up to you if you help his GF out anymore with any types of issues. If you disagree with what she's doing you can just walk away when her apartment needs cleaning, etc.
Since you have continued to help FBIL and his GF and all they've done in response is stomp down on you, lie to you and insult you - I think it's time to wash your hands of them. Your FI can help his brother if he wants to, but I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to remain uninvolved from here on out.
I would just leave it alone. I don't think saying anything to her will help at all. I would be there when they contact FI and not avoid them, but I wouldn't contact them without a need.
As far as the pictures on facebook, while it might not be appropriate, it isn't really your place to judge. Maybe acknowledging that part of there family is gone is healing to both of them.
@FutureJessicaMcB:Wow they both sound terrifying. They both need serious help. I'm pretty sure photos like that can be flagged on FB.
I don't think she totally deserves all the blame. He was doing crazy stuff before, maybe the family was just more willing to ignore it? But now that he found someone that is just like him, its harder to pretend it isn't a problem.
Yeah I agree, but FI doesn't even want anything to do with them. We just get tired of getting flack from her grandmother and his parents for not "including them" in our life.
I kind of disagree with what you're saying about the baby photos, as it really isn't right. You can acknowledge those things without putting pictures of a dead child on a social networking site.
This is actually a good point, I never really considered that she just amplifies his idiocy because they're essentially the same.
@FutureJessicaMcB: Like I said, not appropriate, but not your place to actually say something to them. I would block their profile if the pictures bother you. Maybe you could also find a support group or on-line community to suggest to them if they bring the miscarriage up to you again.
Sounds like they are both crazy. Honestly I would 1) stay away from them as much as possible 2) ignore them when you can't stay away and 3) stay the heck out of it.
@FutureJessicaMcB: I wouldn't want anything to do with them. It's a one sided relationship. They make the mess and you two get stuck cleaning it up. That's not fair for anyone to guilt you into being there for them.
I'm not sure what to say about this situation other than suggesting that you and FI distance yourself as much as possible. It's not worth it to get caught up in other people's drama.
There's nothing wrong with posting pictures of a baby who passed away on Facebook. As someone who actually had a stillborn baby, I get very offended when people get upset about this. It's our right to share our baby if we want to do that.
That said, the other things the woman did is horrible.
I think Moderndaisy had the best advice (everyone else's was good too!). Unfriend them on FB so you don't have to see that poor deceased child and stay as far out of their drama as you can. We certainly can't pick our families, but we can pick how close we keep them..
I'm sorry to have offended you, but we'll have to agree to disagree. I am sorry for your loss though.
@moderndaisy: I couldn't have said it better myself. Time to walk away from them. They don't deserve your time or support. You've done all you can. They are adults and it's time they start acting like them. You don't need this drama when you are trying to make a happy life for you and your husband.
As far as the fb pictures go, can't you flag them as inapropriate? That is VERY disturbing. She should go to jail in my opinion for having so many abortions and joking about it. Not to mention continuing to not use any form of birth control whatsoever. It's selfish.
I think you would do you, your fiance and your FIL's a favor by walking away from them. All they are doing is punishing you and keeping you from the happiness you deserve. Good luck :)
@TheFutureMcBride: I'm not trying to fight you on this, but would you post a picture of your grandma in her open casket? Your dead family pet? Your dead teenager?
I find it incredibly distasteful to post pictures of dead anything on facebook, but it brings it to a whole new level when you post your deceased baby. It's almost exploitation and gross abuse of a corpse.... to me.
I'm VERY sorry for your loss, and extend my condolences to anyone who has gone through this or something similar. But I find it horribly distasteful. Why do/did you feel the need to share a picture of your dead child?
@FutureJessicaMcB: Until you've been in the situation, do not judge it. Angel Moms have very little of their sweet babies.
@FutureJessicaMcB: When you see crazy cross the street! There is no need to talk to crazy, try to correct crazy or rationalize crazy. Avoid crazy at all cost, save your energy for something productive.
@KristenGotMarried: I spent 34 weeks and 2 days carrying a baby I took home in an urn. There isn't much I have to hold of that time with Moose except an urn, box, and some pictures. I want to share the beautiful baby I had because, although gone, my baby is beautiful. It wasn't long ago that getting pictures of the deceeased was common. It's only fairly recently that death is something that should be hidden like it's something horrible. My baby isn't horrible and should not be hidden. Honestly, you really can't understand unless you've been through it and I hope you never go through it.
Like I said, I'm very sorry for your loss, but that doesn't mean I agree with you.
@FutureJessicaMcB: Also, the title of your post is very insensitive to this baby and me.
My FSIL keeps trying to report the photos because she finds them really disturbing but facebook doesn't have a "Report Picture for...dead baby" option so she can't figure out what to select. It's a very odd situation.
@FutureJessicaMcB: Can you please be a little more considerate in the way you talk about this baby?
I think there is a big difference between what @TheFutureMcBride: went through, and what the OP is saying her FBIL's gf did.
Clearly FutureMcBride cared for herself and her baby during pregnancy, and then suffered a devistating loss. She considers herself an angel mom, and I think in her case (and others like it) putting up a picture on FB isn't a big deal.
"C" seems that she didnt care enough to take care of herself during pregnancy, and on top of that was only having the baby because she couldnt get her 4th abortion. I don't know much else from what you said, but it seems like she just didnt care.
ETA: Not saying that "C" doesn't care... just saying thats what it seems like....
I do have to agree though, that when I saw the title of the post I thought it might stir up a littl drama because of how it is worded.
Seriously, I understand that you don't like this person, but can't you just distance yourself and leave it alone? Jeez, you have half this unfortunate person's life on a website to be viewed by anyone, including her abortion history (none of your business) your opinion on her deceased child and her reaction to it, the medical condition which possibly led to stillbirth... I mean honestly, is this necessary?
One of my favorite sayings that gets me through crazy situations like yours, "Being angry at a fool is like being angry at fire for burning".
Avoid the situations that you can and when you can't, repeat the saying above, over and over and over...
Am I the only one who find the screen names of 2 posters arguing here coincidental?
@misskarianne: Regardless of what they went through, it is not our place to say that GF didn't love that baby and isn't grieving the loss. I guess if they didn't really care they wouldn't have bothered to take pictures and post them. Either way it is insensitive when there are many on here who have or are currently going through a miscarriage to continue to identify the baby as "the dead baby".
Kind of makes you wonder if the crazy FBIL and GF have a point when they make comments about OP being a miserable person...
I agree with other posters who say to just stay the hell away from them!! You and your FI sound like obviously stable people, and your FBIL and his gf/babymomma/whatever are clearly unstable. Taking any of that worry and stress on as your own (no matter how much you care about them) is only going to put strain on your relationship and daily life. People have enough to worry about in their own lives, try not to take on others weird, inexplicable, crazy, or disturbing actions. I am a classic worrier and I have to talk myself out of worrying about/for other people...
Bottom line: neither one of them sound like people that are sane or safe to have in your life, so I would keep a distance. If your FBIL has a history of threats, stalking, etc, I would be nice to him when I see him, but leave it at that...don't go out of your way. He sounds scary. And the gf sounds like an absolute nut job!!
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