Post # 1
I am engaged! Yay, right? Yay not so much.
Mike and I have been together a little over 5 years now, he proposed almost 2 weeks ago. I had given him a sort of ultimatum saying proposal by the end of this year. Why? We had talked about it extensively and both said marriage was something we wanted to do with each other (since we’d been together for two years!) so I didn’t see the need to continue waiting. So he proposed the Saturday after my birthday. And I said yes.
Before we got engaged, when we woudl talk, I told him I wanted to get married September 2011 and that I never wanted a long engagement. He led me to believe this would be OK. Then when we were talking about dates after we got engaged, he said he wants to wait til September 2012!!!! becuase HE IS NOT READY TO GET MARRIED AND BE A HUSBAND. WTH!?!?!?!?!? Then why the eff did he propose? He said he wants to get married, but he feels like nine months away is too soon.
Meanwhile, I feel like 21 months away is much too far away. I’m starting graduate school (hopefully) in August 2011 and I really do not want to be planning a wedding while in grad school, two hours away from my hometown where I want to get married. Especially with these 9 months before September 2011 that I will not have a full time job and be IN the area I want to get married in I will have tons of time and the ability to do lots of planning. People have suggested compromising and getting married in Spring 2012 but my allergies are horrible in Spring and I’m miserable from March to June. Also winter is out as I want a tent wedding.
I’ve tried showing him the logic about why getting married earlier is better for me, especially becuase I’ll be crazy during the entire engagement. I’ve also already waited so long, why should I keep waiting? Why does my whole life have to be determined by HIS timeline? Can’t I just have one thing?
Post # 3
Sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Has he given you any reasons as to why he thinks he will be ready in September 2012?
Post # 4
@BellsforHer: He says he “wants to be settled and have a real job” meanwhile… he’s a dental resident making $52k for the year and will have a job after residency that pays double that, starting in August. I think he wants to be able to prove that he can be a provider… but obvioulsy he alreay is and can be.
Post # 5
honestly, it sounds like he was pressured into a proposal he wasn’t fully ready for.
it’s not easy to plan a wedding in 9 months, and if you plan on the date in your profile, count on most vendors already being booked. 9/10/11 is a VERY popular wedding date.
a lot of people have long engagments, and there’s nothing wrong with that. you can take care of the bigs things now while you’re in town and not in school (venue, major vendors, etc) and then work on the details throughout the year.
Post # 6
Please don’t ahte me for saying this, but could he proposed feeling pressured and not ready, seeing as he was given an ultimatum? Which means he’s not ready yet to be a husband, but he doens’t want to lose you, either, so he gave in and proposed to keep you ahppy, but he’s not ready for the actual ceremony.
It sounds like he could feel he already gave in to YOUR schedule once by proposing, so he thinks you should let him decide when you actually get married. Why September 2012? Is it because you’ve decided September is the month but can’t agree on a a year? How woud his life (job/school/family) change between 2011 and 2012? Are there other reasons he could be stalling, like paying off student loans or car that would finsih by then, making him feel better about being ready to help “support” a wife (I know the majority of women still work after getting married these days, but most men are still taught that to be a husband you have to be the breadwinner, or at least be able to provide a home).
If you want to be with him, then you’re with him, and while I know that ceremony means much more than he might realize, stresing over when it gets done won’t make him more inclined to your time-frame. I bet he’s not even in the know about how long it takes to book a venue, how long it takes to buy a dress, or pick a menu, a cake and so forth. Most guys seem to think it’s a month-ahead-all-you-need- kind of event. Not to mention time for invitations, to allow guests to schedule their lives to abe able to attend and so on.
I hope you can get on the same page, but instead of appearing to nag (I know you’re not, but he might see it that way), tell him you need to fianlize a date so you can start since it take X amount of mos. to do such an such, what does he think of blank? Instead of telling him you need to be free from school to be able to plan, just start doing what you can WITh him so he can SEE what it will take and see that your timeline is more about it being good for you, not you being impatient to get it done.
Post # 7
@kitzy: We’re having a small wedding on my friend’s property, flowers from the garden, my friend’s the photographer, not a lot of vendors to have conflicts with. Also, I’m not attached to that date, it’s just the first weeend that works. I’m willing to go to October 8, 2011, after that it gets too cold.
I agree there is nothing wrong with a long engagement, but he knew before he proposed that I didn’t want one. I’ve never wanted ont. And if he was feeling pressure, then he shouldn’t have done it. You propose because you WANT to marry someone, not becuase you feel like you should.
Post # 8
@Isilme: I did not want to be proposed to to be made “happy”. I wanted to be proposed to because he actually wanted to marr me. If he DID NOT want to marry me, then he should not have proposed, regardless of whether he felt pressure.
I know there are lots of factors that I’m not puttng in this post, and I can see how it’s him accomaditing MY schedule, but trust me, it’s not. I waited for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. I waited over a year from when I wanted to move in withhim until he was ready. I waited three years for him to propose. So really, it’s not my schedule.
He has absolutely not debt what-so-ever. No car loan, no student loans, nothing. The only way his life would “change is that he’ll be starting his new job in August 2011 and I’ll be starting grad school (hopefully) in August 2011.
Any time I try to talk about wedding stuff he completely shuts down saying he isn’t ready to talk about it. I will try again to explain why the timeline is good for me and not about me being impatient, but I don’t expect it to go well, since, he’s “not ready to get married”. Blah.
Post # 9
@tamaracat: I understand how you feel about not wanting a long engagement. Especially when you’ve been dating for 5 years already, why should you have to wait another 1.5 – 2 years to be married? You want your man to be excited and itching to marry you, just as you are to marry him. And the idea that you need months and months to plan a wedding isn’t necessarily true. We pulled our formal affair together in 5 months, and I have several married friends who had even shorter engagements, with lovely weddings.
I don’t really have any advice to give you, except to say that when a man says he isn’t ready for something, listen to him. That is exactly what he means.
Post # 10
It doesn’t really sound like you can do much except wait it out. Guys don’t want to do things they don’t want to do, period; and sometimes it takes longer for them to come around. My FI has been teetering on having a traditional (not planned elopement) wedding for months now and has just come around. I could have moved forward with planning things my way without him, but that’s not how it works and I was comfortable waiting for him to come around (likely knowing that he would eventually). You have to come to a compromise. I’m sure you want him to be happy in this process and forcing his hand wont make him happy, I’m afraid.
Post # 11
I got engaged in April and we’re getting married in September 2011. I thought that a year and a half was on the long side but I’m really glad we did it this way. Trust me, a shorter engagement is by no means a less stressful one. You have to make a million decisions and adding a time crunch can make it so much worse. Plus, as some people said above, some vendors/sites get booked way in advance. Also, some dresses can take months to make since they’re made to order. I can’t tell you how relieved I am sometimes to come home from work and to not have to research bridesmaid dresses or freak out over booking a dj asap. A little breathing room is a good thing. Why don’t you sit down and decide how much money you both want to spend on the wedding and how long it will take you to save it up? That should be able to give you a fair idea of when you can have the kind of wedding you want. And be open to different ideas! When I first started planning I thought we were having it inside, probably a church with some other reception venue- turns out we’re having it outside in the park!
P.S. Also be sure to count out your “monthly” cycle- I know two different girls who made that mistake and it added extra stress trying to work around it.
Post # 12
from a totally different perspective. You mentioned that you want to go to graduate school. Not sure how you plan on fianancing that but if you looking into grants and financial aid then maybe it best if you dont get married while in graduate school cause they will look into your husband’s fiances as well and if he has a job they may not give you as much as they would have if it was just your income. Yeah not the total romantic post but being logical 🙂
Post # 13
@feminist_bride: My graduate school will be $3,000 a semester and my dad has offered to pay for a good portion of it. I also have enough of my own savings to pay for the full degree program.
Post # 14
@daisy326: We’re very lucky and my mom and his parents have offered to pay for 35% of the total wedding costs each. As a couple we have enough saved to pay for our remaining 30% percent, so saving for the wedding isn’t really an issue. I understand what you’re saying about having time to do things, but until the last week in August I have tons of free time to do all sorts of things. I’m not worried about vendors as we have a lot of people offering their services (friend photographer, venue at a family friends house, flowers from the garden, etc.). Also in terms of time, when I do go to grad school that will take up the majority of my time and I will be two hours away from the venue, which is something I’m trying to avoid.
As for the cycle comment, I’m on a birth control that I can manipulate to have my period (or not have it) when is convenient for important events and traveling, which is great!
Post # 15
Try and look at it from his point of view. Would you want to be pushed into something you didn’t feel ready for? Marriage is a big milestone in both your lives. That’s not something that should be rushed if one of you isn’t ready. It will only cause tension and resentment.
You sound put out because now you think his proposal wasn’t genuine enough and he doesn’t really want to get married. What did you expect when you gave him an ultimatum? That a little lightbulb in his brain would turn on and go DING DING DING – Ready For Marriage? It doesn’t work that way.
Basically it comes down to this. Do you want to walk down the aisle towards someone who can’t wait for you to reach him so you can say your vows to each other, or towards someone who has a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that gets worse with every step you take toward him? If you’re willing to accept the latter just to be able to call him your husband, I feel sorry for both of you.