(Closed) Can’t pick a date – going insane

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

Sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Has he given you any reasons as to why he thinks he will be ready in September 2012?

Post # 5
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

honestly, it sounds like he was pressured into a proposal he wasn’t fully ready for.

it’s not easy to plan a wedding in 9 months, and if you plan on the date in your profile, count on most vendors already being booked. 9/10/11 is a VERY popular wedding date.

a lot of people have long engagments, and there’s nothing wrong with that. you can take care of the bigs things now while you’re in town and not in school (venue, major vendors, etc) and then work on the details throughout the year.

Post # 6
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Please don’t ahte me for saying this, but could he proposed feeling pressured and not ready, seeing as he was given an ultimatum?  Which means he’s not ready yet to be a husband, but he doens’t want to lose you, either, so he gave in and proposed to keep you ahppy, but he’s not ready for the actual ceremony.

It sounds like he could feel he already gave in to YOUR schedule once by proposing, so he thinks you should let him decide when you actually get married.  Why September 2012?  Is it because you’ve decided September is the month but can’t agree on a a year?  How woud his life (job/school/family) change between 2011 and 2012?  Are there other reasons he could be stalling, like paying off student loans or car that would finsih by then, making him feel better about being ready to help “support” a wife (I know the majority of women still work after getting married these days, but most men are still taught that to be a husband you have to be the breadwinner, or at least be able to provide a home).

If you want to be with him, then you’re with him, and while I know that ceremony means much more than he might realize, stresing over when it gets done won’t make him more inclined to your time-frame.  I bet he’s not even in the know about how long it takes to book a venue, how long it takes to buy a dress, or pick a menu, a cake and so forth.  Most guys seem to think it’s a month-ahead-all-you-need- kind of event.  Not to mention time for invitations, to allow guests to schedule their lives to abe able to attend and so on.

I hope you can get on the same page, but instead of appearing to nag (I know you’re not, but he might see it that way), tell him you need to fianlize a date so you can start since it take X amount of mos. to do such an such, what does he think of blank?  Instead of telling him you need to be free from school to be able to plan, just start doing what you can WITh him so he can SEE what it will take and see that your timeline is more about it being good for you, not you being impatient to get it done.

Post # 9
Member
4510 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@tamaracat: I understand how you feel about not wanting a long engagement. Especially when you’ve been dating for 5 years already, why should you have to wait another 1.5 – 2 years to be married? You want your man to be excited and itching to marry you, just as you are to marry him. And the idea that you need months and months to plan a wedding isn’t necessarily true. We pulled our formal affair together in 5 months, and I have several married friends who had even shorter engagements, with lovely weddings.

I don’t really have any advice to give you, except to say that when a man says he isn’t ready for something, listen to him. That is exactly what he means.

 

Post # 10
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It doesn’t really sound like you can do much except wait it out.  Guys don’t want to do things they don’t want to do, period; and sometimes it takes longer for them to come around.  My FI has been teetering on having a traditional (not planned elopement) wedding for months now and has just come around.  I could have moved forward with planning things my way without him, but that’s not how it works and I was comfortable waiting for him to come around (likely knowing that he would eventually).  You have to come to a compromise.  I’m sure you want him to be happy in this process and forcing his hand wont make him happy, I’m afraid.  

Post # 11
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I got engaged in April and we’re getting married in September 2011. I thought that a year and a half was on the long side but I’m really glad we did it this way. Trust me, a shorter engagement is by no means a less stressful one. You have to make a million decisions and adding a time crunch can make it so much worse. Plus, as some people said above, some vendors/sites get booked way in advance. Also, some dresses can take months to make since they’re made to order. I can’t tell you how relieved I am sometimes to come home from work and to not have to research bridesmaid dresses or freak out over booking a dj asap. A little breathing room is a good thing. Why don’t you sit down and decide how much money you both want to spend on the wedding and how long it will take you to save it up? That should be able to give you a fair idea of when you can have the kind of wedding you want. And be open to different ideas! When I first started planning I thought we were having it inside, probably a church with some other reception venue- turns out we’re having it outside in the park!

 

Good luck!

P.S. Also be sure to count out your “monthly” cycle- I know two different girls who made that mistake and it added extra stress trying to work around it.

Post # 12
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

from a totally different perspective. You mentioned that you want to go to graduate school. Not sure how you plan on fianancing that but if you looking into grants and financial aid then maybe it best if you dont get married while in graduate school cause they will look into your husband’s fiances as well and if he has a job they may not give you as much as they would have if it was just your income. Yeah not the total romantic post but being logical 🙂

Post # 15
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Try and look at it from his point of view. Would you want to be pushed into something you didn’t feel ready for? Marriage is a big milestone in both your lives. That’s not something that should be rushed if one of you isn’t ready. It will only cause tension and resentment.

You sound put out because now you think his proposal wasn’t genuine enough and he doesn’t really want to get married. What did you expect when you gave him an ultimatum? That a little lightbulb in his brain would turn on and go DING DING DING – Ready For Marriage? It doesn’t work that way.

Basically it comes down to this. Do you want to walk down the aisle towards someone who can’t wait for you to reach him so you can say your vows to each other, or towards someone who has a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that gets worse with every step you take toward him? If you’re willing to accept the latter just to be able to call him your husband, I feel sorry for both of you.

 

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