Cant stand my sister or the way she's raising my nephew

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
1389 posts
Bumble bee

I think you did the right thing by not engaging with her when she sent you that text. The thing is, you can’t do a damn thing about how she raises her kid. I think just about everyone has a relative that they consider a pretty shitty parent. It’s usually just best to distance yourself from that person and situation. It’s not worth the aggrevation usually.

Post # 5
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@AquaGrey8962:  Kinda unrelated but homeschool is not so bad. FI was homeschooled the entire time he was in school and he is extremely intelligent as a result. There will be a lot of oppurtinities for him to socialize with other homeschooled kids (the usually have functions every week in homeschool communities where I live) and he gets to stay away from evil standardized testing.

However, your sister needs to put her big girl panties on and discipline him.

Post # 7
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Frankly, there’s nothing wrong with kids not going to preschool, or with him being homeschooled. Chances are if she’s as you describe she’ll find it’s too much work to homeschool him once he gets past 1st or 2nd grade level learning. But overall I think you have to take deep breaths and let it go. Don’t let her ruin your day! It’s not your problem!

Post # 9
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@AquaGrey8962:  When she says “promise me when you have kids, you wont do XYZ” you could try saying, “Oh, cool, do I get a say in how you’re raising Nephew, too? Because I have some suggestions…” Tongue Out

Or if she says “you wont get to do that when you have kids” you could say, “Thank goodness I have you to advise me in life! What would I do without you?” Would it be fun to imagine some good, funny, sarcastic responses to the things she says? I don’t think there would be ANYTHING wrong with responding to her when she says stuff like that! And she might get it. I mean, she might not, but… responding might help you feel better?

 

Post # 10
Member
1786 posts
Buzzing bee

Unfortunately your opinion on how she is raising HER child…does not matter. unless she’s physically abusive…or emotionally abusive. preschool is expensive…about $400-$500 a month in my area. most ppl i know r on welfare…so their kid qualifies for head start or free preschool. children don’t need preschool . i think now ppl use it as a status symbol. when i was a kid….only kids who had learning disabilities went to preschool. u shouldn’t resent the child…when a kid misbehavior and acts like a brat…its the parents fault. the way she raises her child is none of your business….the way she lives her life is none of your business either.

Post # 11
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

While I agree with others that homeschool can be a positive thing, it’s if the parent is engaged and willing to make up for some of its shortcomings – i.e., getting involved in play groups, letting the kids join extracurricular activities, etc. I have some relatives homeschooling their kids, and their house is like a dungeon. They never leave, their mom won’t let them sign up for anything, etc. You sit and try to have a conversation with the kids (they’re all between 6 and 12 now) and they cower and just hover around their mother the whole time. It’s weird, quite frankly.

I can understand your frustration – I was raised with one of my cousins, and her son is now 7-years-old. I play a large role in his care and upbringing.

My thing with your case, OP – how does she know how you feel about how she’s raising her kid? How did it come up in the first place that you thought her son should be in preschool? While I agree that her texts are odd, something in this story doesn’t add up for me. DId you havea casual conversation  in the past along the lines of, “You know, sister, you should enroll him in preschool,” “No, I don’t think so,” or was this a repeated power struggle between the two of you? That is, were you frequently mentioning what you would do in her shoes or what you thought was best for him?

Saying your piece once if you feel the kid’s well-being could be affected, and saying it gently and in a manner that’s on-topic is acceptable. But unsolicited advice otherwise isn’t welcome. While her kid sounds like a brat, and I do feel for him if she’s isolating him, there’s otherwise nothing here that suggests an intervention would actually be successful.

The only thing you can do? If his behavior is intolerable, don’t let him into your home and don’t baby-sit. If she asks why, I would answer truthfully: “His behavior is a little too much for me to handle.” She can take it anyway she wishes, but sooner or later, she may find that she has to shape up if she wants her son to be a healthy, well-adjusted kid.

Post # 12
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@echapman:  homeschool isn’t bad if its done properly. But it can go wrong if ht eparent isn’t really dedicated to actually socializing the child properly. FI’s mom had 9 children. all were homeschooled but they had pretty bad social issues in their late teen years and into adulthood because she never involved them with anyone outside their siblings. They were and still are in some ways, pretty damaged and bitter about the kind of school experience and childhood that they had. So it is true that some come out wonderful from homeschooling, but it all depends on the parents.

ETA: when FI’s oldest sister turned 18 they would sneak and she would sign papers for them to join neighborhood sports. So at 15 he was finally able to join basketball and learn to be more social and interact with people his own age that were not his family. FI is very very smart, so he wasn’t bad off in that sense. But its been a struggle for him and his issues still affect him even now at the age of 29

 

Post # 13
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@sexymama118:  depending on where the OP’s sister is from we have preschool that is like 3 days a week through the park district. if for no other reason, it was good for my son to interact with other kids and get a small taste of what school was going to be like. He did the park program for 2 years and each session (half the school year per session plus summer if you wanted) was like 25 dollars or something. its pretty basic and only for half a day but its a way for the kids to get their feet wet and learn some basic things liek colors, numbers, abc’s etc. I am from chicago, just like the OP, so I know for a fact that some kind of early education is available. So saying you can’t afford it and doing nothing to help develop the child socially instead is just nonsense.  

Post # 14
Member
3006 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My grandmother went thru a similar time with her own grandson. Her son married someone who sort of drove a wedge into the family. I know I’ll come off as judgy, but oh well.

No one in the family agrees with how my aunt is raising her son. I singled out my grandmother because it is the most difficult for her. This little boy is the same way as your nephew. At family functions, holidays, etc, he *hits* his mother for attention if “mom, mom, mom, mom!” dosen’t work. He’s afraid of everyone in the family, even tho we all talk to him and are nice to him, because he’s FAMILY. He steals and sneaks things from my grandparents, as they often stay at g-parent’s house when they are in town (they live on the other side of the state) because they have the most room. He’s very under-developed socially and has no friends. It’s so sad.

It’s no question that his mother raised him to be a spoiled momma’s boy. My uncle complains about it, and he feels defeated as a parent.

We’ve just gone on to accept the fact that she essentially ruined her child’s personality by not teaching him right and wrong, by showing him that it’s OK to hit, and it’s OK to throw temper tantrums, and it’s OK to be a sneak. We just distance ourselves from them, and it sounds like you could benefit from doing the same with your sister.

It sucks, because she’s your sister and I’m sure you’d much rather have a close relationship to her and your nephew, and obviously she’s preventing that by acting the way she’s acting. She sounds a bit off her rocker, and it doesn’t sound like she’s going to change. What do other members of your family think about her?

Post # 15
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@sexymama118:  and btw, its easier said than done to mind your own business when its your nephew or close relative. Generally I agree, but if this was my sister, given our relationship, I would open my mouth. She doesn’t have to listen but I would still speak with her about the behavior issues since that can really affect the child badly.

Post # 16
Member
1786 posts
Buzzing bee

@stardustintheeyes:  

you speaking your mind..isn’t going to better the situation…all it’s going to do is make u feel better.

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