Post # 1
Background: My SO and I have been together for over 1.5 years, both in our upper 30’s and both have children from prior marriages.
A few months ago SO told me he new for sure he wanted to marry me. In October he told me he bought the ring. I just knew it would be soon before he gave it to me. The past two weeks he has been acting a little distracted and I was hoping he was just nervous.
Well, tonight after wondering about his strange behavior, we had a talk. He told me he decided very recently that he never wanted to get married and was scared to tell me because he doesn’t want to lose me and he knows how much I want marriage. He stll wants to be my boyfriend and see me whenever he can, but also slow things down. WHAT??? I’m not sure what happened. He told me I did nothing wrong and I’m amazing but that he just got freaked out about ever getting married again. (We both had very bad divorces but this was a few years ago)
I’m not sure what to do or how to feel right now. I’m really hurt. I want to be with him and I love him dearly, but if he “never” wants to get married, what am I to do? I’m so confused. We made plans and were so excited. I’m not ready to let him go but I feel as if he’s not in this 100% anymore even though he tells me he doesn’t want to lose me.
How can he go from excited and buying a ring to totally dismissing marriage all together? We have a wonderful relationship and he’s an amazing man. I’m also in love with his little boys and can’t stand the thought of losing them too.
Help me. I really don’t know how to feel or what to do. All I know is that I hurt and can’t stop crying.
Post # 3
I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s only natural that you are crying.
Post # 4
I am so so sorry =( I don’t know exactly what to say but hang in there. Do you feel like it is worth waiting for him to come around?
Post # 5
Oh I am sooo sorry that you are going through this. How awful. I don’t know what to say. I wish I had a magic wand. Wow! Maybe you could go to counseling together and see if you can work things out?
Post # 6
Post # 7
I am SO sorry this happened to you. This totally threw you for a loop because you thought that you both were still on the same page. I can’t tell you what to do but I will say this… you really have some thinking to do. Although you are not ready to end the relationship, you have to ask yourself is marriage important to you? If you’re ok with not ever getting married then there is a possibility that things can work. However, if you do want to get married and is not willing to sacrifice that then you already know the answer to your question. Whatever you do….don’t stay based on you “hoping” that you can change his mind for him…. 1. You can’t, and 2. You shouldn’t have to.
Good luck to you and i hope everything works out for the best….whatever decision you make, I am sure that it will be right for you…
Post # 8
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this:(
My honest opinion though (knowing only the brief information you gave) is that you are not meant to be together. He not only says he doesn’t want to marry you, but that he wants things to slow down and see you “whenever he can”. He wants his cake and to eat it too. This is not fair to you, and it makes me so angry that he would treat you this way when (even from his own mouth) you’ve done nothing wrong.
If you think that this is a temporary freak out then maybe y’all should seek counceling. If it’s not, you have to decide if you’re willing to have this relationship on HIS terms. That is not fair to you.
In the grand scheme of things losing 1.5 years on a relationship that didn’t work out is better than spending even more time, being strung along in a relationship that has no real future with a man who even in his late 30s has no idea what he wants out of life. Sorry if this sounds harsh…I’m not trying to be mean though. My intention is to maybe give an objective opinion. I know this has to hurt so much, but know that regardless of what happens, things do get better.
Post # 9
@mg1363: I agree- OP I hope you can come to a resolution that makes you happy.
Post # 10
I agree with @mg1363: Although I’m really for the counseling. I don’t understand how he goes from “I wanna marry you. I bought a ring.” to “I don’t wanna get married again.” WHAT? He bought a ring. That’s not “Well I’m kinda thinking about it.” I would look into counseling, but if that doesn’t help then I you may have to cut your losses. But me, personally? I wouldn’t give up that quickly on someone I loved.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry your going through this but I think that you need to reevaluate whats important to you. Are you content being a “girlfriend” for the rest of your life or do you want to be a “wife”. From the sounds of it, you want the latter. If he’s set on never getting married again then you either need to commit to being the “girlfriend” or move on.
While staying in the relationship may seem like the right thing to do now, I don’t think it will be healthy in the long run. Sure it will spare you a great deal of heartache but whats going to happen in 5 years when your desire to get married is even stronger and he still feels the same way?
This probably isn’t what you wait to read but based on your post, it seems like something happened and he’s not telling you the full story. I can’t imagine someone going as far as purchasing the ring and then completely changing his mind. Its one thing to decide to maybe hold off on the proposal for a few months but its another to let it be known that he will never marry you.
In the end, you need to do whats right for you and your children. If playing house without the commitment is what will work for you then go for it (I know lots of people who do this and they are very happy) but make sure that you’re not selling yourself short. Good luck!
Post # 12
I completely understand his being afraid to get married again. He probably thought the first time was forever, and his divorce was a cruel reality check. Unfortunately, his realization of that reality is negatively affecting you, but is it really so horrible? What is marriage, really, other than a signature on a government document? Can you not happily share your life with someone you’re not technically married to?
I think it’s great that your feelings about marriage were not equally shaken, but I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for feeling the way he does. Is he willing to commit to you and live a “married” life without making it official? Because if he is, and you love him and want to be with him… why not? Isn’t it supposed to be about being with your special someone forever? If that’s not the case here, then maybe you really do need to reevaluate your needs and whether or not the kind of relationship he’s offering can fulfill them. I think you need to decide what you can live with, and then have a more serious talk with him about what his needs are. I hope you can work this out. Good luck.
Post # 13
That’s awful – so sorry you are going through this. To have that happen out of the blue like that too…that would really shake up anyone.
I agree with PPs who noted that you need to really think about what will be best for you and your children. Don’t feel bad or wrong if what you want is marriage and he doesn’t. That doesn’t make either of you wrong, but it might make you wrong for each other.
Post # 14
I am so sorry. What you’re going through is I think is far more painful than what I have ever gone through with my breakups.
Yes, if you think counseling together will help you get some perspective then I think it’d be a good idea before you completely end things with him… I’m glad though, with the fact that he came honest with you and shared his feelings before you two spend more time and share more memories together with the children.
I hope you’ll have a good new year regardlress.
Post # 15
I’ve heard of people deciding that marriage is not for them, but the thing that really sends the red flags up is the fact that he now wants to SLOW THINGS DOWN too. And see you whenver he can? What does that even mean?
It really doesn’t sound like he’s trying to do what @deliciousappleblue: describes as “willing to commit to you and live a “married” life without making it official.” It sounds like he wants all the fun without any of the responsibility or obligation, and is trying to back down rather than offer you anything that would resemble an unofficial equivalent to marriage.
I hope he’s willing to go to counselling with you, even if it’s just so that he gains some understanding of what he’s asking of you here. Because it doesn’t sound like he really gets it. He sounds kind of lost in his own universe and unable to appreciate how selfish his wants are.
DH also read your post and he thinks your SO may be trying to slowly break it off with you, but is too chicken to get it over with cleanly. I don’t know about that, but as another bee pointed out earlier, I agree that it doesn’t add up. Something must have happened for him to have such an enormous change of heart. Something that he’s not telling you about.
My heart goes out to you so much, and I hope my words don’t sting. If they do, I’m really sorry. I just want you to know that you don’t deserve this, you deserve so much better. Best of luck in resolving this situation.
Post # 16
I feel so bad for you. First I might suggest you go see a couples counselor, to see if there is anyway to fix this or air out whatever is really the problem. He likes things the way they are now, and maybe it is because he knows that marriage changes things. When you’re a boyfriend, the responsibility to and for the other person is rather minimal. Once you become a husband you have to “man up” and that scares the hell out of some guys. He has a negative marriage experience, and it is very probable that all the talk of marriage has broken open some of the wounds from that relationship. I hope the two of you go see a counselor, and I would actually suggest seeing one by yourself too, just to help you cope with this whole situation. I wish I were there to give you a hug, for now I am sending you a prayer.