(Closed) Can’t stop crying…FIL’s vent…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

That sounds so hard! My situation isn’t really like yours but I can absolutely relate to anxiety over not having control over your space and your time.  Can you get your FI to encourage his parents to switch up the plans and let you come visit them every once in a while or to make their visits less frequent? Why do they come so often anyway?  It seems like it’ll take you 6 weeks to recover from the visit and then all of a sudden they are back!  I know that I enjoy visiting my ILs much more at their house rather than them coming to us because you can kind of just let them do whatever they do because it is there own house, and that stress of being the hostess is gone.  Also, you dictate when you will arrive and leave and you can decide that a nice long dinner is enough of a visit (if you are close enough geographically.) Sorry you are going through this.  Definitely keep taking time outs – make up forgotten ingredients that cause you to run to the market, etc – make an appointment for a haircut.  You’ll make it!

Post # 4
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well if they were my in-laws and arguing all the time I would just tell them they can stay in a hotel next time they visit unless they tone it down. Or I would get a hotel room until it was over…either way. 🙂

Maybe you can plan all sorts of events for when they come into town and keep them too busy to carry on like this. Plan a movie, games, art shows, shopping, WHATEVER, but don’t give them the downtime to park in front of the television and argue. Plus if they are out in public they might behave better.

EDIT: I almost forgot about the tone jar! My mom had one for when my grandparents visited. They decided on a tone and level that voices were allowed to get to. If it went over that my mom blew an airhorn and they each had to deposit .25 into the tone jar. It only took one trip for them to figure it out and my sister and I got ice cream out of the deal.

Post # 5
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh gosh. I’m sorry hon, that sounds so stressful, I don’t blame you for not being able to deal with it any more! Maybe you could suggest that you alternate between your place and theirs, and on the weekends you’re supposed to go see them you could *conveniently* have to work or be somewhere else. That would give you 12 weeks in between visits. How long do they stay for when they visit? I think you should talk to FI about the length of the visit and how it affects you. Taking a walk before dinner was a great idea, I would definitely keep doing that, it sounds like you need the break. I think if you’re honest with FI maybe he would be willing to take them out of the house for a couple hours each day to a movie or a dinner, whatever, just to give you a break. FI does this for me with his son and it’s wonderful.
On an entirely different note, if you’re feeling a lot of anxiety and stress leading up to their visits, you may want to talk to your doctor or a naturopath about an anti-anxiety type remedy. I’m a huge believer in naturopaths and I use something called Rescue Remedy that works wonders for me if I’m in a stressful/high anxiety situation 🙂

Post # 6
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

i wish i had some advice for you! but i am sorry you have to be so stressed everytime his famlily come around!

Post # 7
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

My in laws are kind of similar to this, except it’s not arguementative banter, but actual sass and nasty tones of voice.

Although everyone’s advice so far to plan some wonderful activity outside of the home sounds fantastic, my only worry with negative complainers is that you will put all this effort into planning the schedule and all the activities and they will have nothing good to say about it before, during, and after. That’s what would happen if I tried this with my FIL (it has happened once or twice) and it was a total let down for me.

I’m tempted to suggest to you that when your FH tells his father to cool it and your FFIL snaps at him right back that you SEIZE THE OPPORTUNITY to support your FH and basically say, “Hey, he’s not the only one bothered by this. Please tone it down some in the house.”

Post # 8
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

it sounds like you feel violated that they have robbed you of your space and serenity of your own home. I am sorry you have to go through this, I can only imagine it is a crazy environment to be around.

Post # 10
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

It is SO strange how much of a toll in-laws take on us. I’m exactly the same way – lately I get an email from my MIL and I am absolutely stressed to the max to even click on it, for fear of what sensitive subject she might babble on about or what it might say. I just have this base reaction where I want to scream at her to go away forever, not because shes’ doing hurtful things to me but because these interactions are SO so stressful. So I get so ramped up emotionally about it. The next time I see her I’m going to have to be careful I don’t pop.

I am desperately looking for a solution, but it seems that this is having in-laws. That’s what everyone seems to say. But I refuse to believe that I’m destined for such misery and stress forever!

Post # 12
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m so sorry! That sounds awful.

Like you said, you and your FH are both adults. With your in-laws visiting so frequently and making you feel so stressed out, I think it’s time to take some action. What would make this situation better? FILs visiting less frequently, visiting for shorter periods, stopping with the verbal diarrhea?

Maybe you can start by tackling whatever it is that bothers you the most. Ask your FH to back you up, and come up with a plan to speak to the FILs about it and offer a solution or suggestion to make their visits less painful.

Once you have kids, you’ll have to have this “talk” anyway with them, so might as well do it now and save your sanity.

Post # 13
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I swear I could have written this post almost exactly. With the one excepting being that my FI is the baby- his sister is just over 10 yrs older than him. Sometimes it feels like nothing is good enough and their constant high volume talking/arguing (in my family its called screaming when you talk like that but whatever) gets to me so bad. My FFIL is so stubborn he wont stop til he gets his way or feels like he made his point and often calls names or throws insults in the process. Sad part for us is that we see them regularly as they only live 35 min away. On father’s day it was a argument about how he wants to bring his own beer to the wedding (in a park that doesnt allow alcohol) and tonight its about how he wants to choose what exactly everyone eats at our rehersal dinner and that they want to go out with several family members the night before the wedding to the place where we’ve chosen to do our after party. I’ve learned to just take a few minutes in the bathroom to compose myself and then sit quietly the rest of the time. I swear they probably think I’m one of the quietest people they know at sometimes because I know if I open my mouth it’ll just get bad. Luckily FI understands but at the same time its kinda normal for him because his family has been like this his whole life. I don’t know what it is I’m trying to say in this post except that I definitely understand what you’re going thru. Sometimes I just feel like screaming STFU but unfortunately I’d never get away with something like that. Good Luck- you’re definitely not alone.

Post # 14
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I would take that exact second to chime in, for two reasons: because you have the support of your FH in that moment and its less likely to escalate and secondly because that way your FFIL will know exactly which behaviors are those that are bothering you. If you address things later, he may not recall or understand exactly what you’re talking about and dismiss you.

I wouldn’t at all use their tone, however, when addressing it. When you see the window of opportunity present itself, I would use the sweetest tone you can and break it to him gently. Compliment, complaint, followed by compliment.

“Oh, FFIL, I know you feel strongly about X and like to express yourself, but it would make me very happy if you would keep the volume down a bit for me. I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk to the television, but just a little quieter would be great.” *hand on shoulder.*

 

Just an idea. Do whatever you feel is best for you.

Post # 15
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

It’s your house, you get to speak up.  The thing that bothers me most about this situation is that it sounds like his parents stress him out too.  I think it’s pretty normal to be nervous around in laws and for different personalities/modes of interactions to cause stress.  I don’t think it’s normal for kids to stress about regular visits from parents – I’d say that means something is wrong.  If he was chill with it he could reassure you – tone things down etc. but if both of you are stressed out!  You need to take actions.  I like jduck’s advice, pick one battle and have it, politely, with love but have it.  Blame yourself and your nerves but get what you need.  It is not okay for you to go through this all the time :(.  Do not feel guilty about interacting only every other time.  How long do they stay for?

Post # 16
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Honey, when they’re visiting your home you have every right to pipe up when they won’t pipe down. In fact you kind of have to – what will you do when you’ve a teething baby to settle and they’re all shouting the house down?

How would a simple thing, with no (visible) anger, like “Would you guys mind just quiet down a bit, I’ve a splitting headache?”

If they’re that relaxed with each other, they might absorb it better than you think?

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