Can't Stop Feeling Disappointed And Falling Apart

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ID80:  What would you tell a close friend if she had written these words to you about her relatiionship?

Post # 4
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My heart breaks just reading this! It sounds like a cycle of abuse to me, and it doesn’t sound like he is doing a whole lot to change. The way hse is treating you is extremley unacceptable. He comes across as very entitled and emotionally abusive. I think he either needs to give counseling a good hard try, or it’s time to go. Hugs!

Post # 5
Member
4216 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

While I’d like to say “see a counselor, work it out”, honestly, I would not put in all that energy who clearly is incapable of empathy at all. 

Post # 6
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Miss, you need to just leave. This relationship is NO GOOD FOR YOU!!!! 

Post # 7
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The relationship you have with your husband is not worth working on and saving. If I were you, I would leave. 

Post # 8
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ID80:  I am so sorry that you are hurting like this. Dealing with verbal/emotional/mental abuse is no laughing matter. And I would definitely recommend talking to a licensed therapist or counselor about these problems, since one would be a neutral party. Sadly, the events you have described echo many others that have been down that road. Man treats the woman like a queen, then slowly but surely chips away at that pedestal she was put on, eventually berating her for simply being human after all. He is abusing you, and your best option at this point is to leave him and start a new life as your own person, rather than as a verbal punching bag for him to mistreat whenever he wants to. He will keep doing this to you, again and again, as long as you let him. Please get out of that cycle while you are able to. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you, and don’t hesitate to message me if you need a friend. *Hugs*

 

Post # 9
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with everything that has been said by the ladies above. I am so sorry he is behaving this way. You deserve so much better. Sending you positive thoughts and hugs.

Post # 10
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@HappySky7:  +1. Relationships need to be 2 way streets based on mutual respect, communication, trust, and love. It sounds like all of those elements are lacking in your marriage.

 

Post # 11
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@ID80:  “My sensitive and hyper behavior isn’t fair to him and the only way I know how to cope up is to become distant and put my walls up.”

 

DO NOT put up walls because that will show him he’s “won”. This sounds like your husband is mentally abusing you and may have psychological disorders if he’s capable of having such extreme highs and lows. I would have him see some one immediately. Either that or he’s a complete sociopath and knows exactly what he’s doing.

I’m sorry that this is happening to you. No one should have to be called ANY name EVER by anyone she puts her love and trust in. That is abuse my dear and you need to talk to your family about it. They need to be on your side because when the shit hits the fan, and it will, you will need a really strong network of support that can only come from your closes friends and family.

He’s two-faced. He needs more help than just you bottling it up inside and becoming “distant”. That really just makes him stronger because he is now controlling you.

Post # 14
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

OP, there is a LOT going on here and I admit, I only read 50% of your post word-for-word and then I started to skim. 

I think that you CAN work this out. But only if you both plan to do it together and it will be a LOT of work.

Obviously you should both go to therapy to help him to STOP blaming you for things he is feeling about himself. There is a lot that only a professional can help with. However, below are the things I think you both can do yourselves to help get things better again.

1. Both of you stop drinking. Until you can get things under control, none of these issues are going to be helped by alcohol. You both need to stop (so that it’s easier and you are on the same team, fighting together) so that you can talk more calmly every day.

2. STOP seeing his masturbation as “addiction”. My SO masturbates every day. It is very normal for men to do this. If they don’t masturbate every day then they tend to have wet dreams because their body needs to get rid of the ageing sperm to make room for the new sperm. Looking at porn and having that alone time in tune with their bodies is very normal and should not be frowned upon. That is not going to help his self-esteem to think that he is “dirty” etc and he will just take it out on you.

2a. He might have “death grip”. The human hand feels very different from a mouth or vagina and he may have trained his penis to only come to his own movements and tight grip. This is not the end of the world! Just have fun with sex and then let him finish himself off (perhaps into your mouth if you are ok with that and so that you are still a part of it). After the other major issues have been improved, then you can start to work on this, but don’t focus on this yet or first. It’s not a priory yet. Remember that he may be freaking himself out thinking “sex isn’t as amazing as it should be, perhaps I don’t like girls (being silly of course), why aren’t I normal?!?” and then taking it out on you, saying that you are to blame. This is NOT ok, but may explain his behaviour.

3. YOU should start to masturbate (if you don’t already). Get to know your own body through your own hands. This will help you to feel more confident during sex. 

4. Even though you are both new(ish) to sex with each other, you are married and the want for sex when you see each other every day can decrease like lightning. Not everyone experiences this, but it does happen. Perhaps you should both write down what you want from each other in the bedroom (more of this, less of that) and go through them over dinner or whilst cuddling on the coach. Make it fun and full of exploration, rather than a “you suck” kind of thing.

5. Remember that you’re only been together a year, there is a lot still to learn about each other. Give yourself and him time and grace to get this right. Remember that he is TRYING! It probably sucks for him to make an effort (hold your hand, be sweet, look after you when you are sick) and then see that it isn’t helping you yet, so he gets frustrated and takes it out on you and the cycle continues. 

6. You spoke about how on your honeymoon there was little sex. Drinking does not help this. Also, were your accommodations nice or were they are little on the cheap side? I don’t ask this to be rude, I ask because some guys just can’t/won’t perform in places they aren’t comfortable in. BUT he might not realise this about himself yet or might not have wanted to say it out loud for fear of offending you. 

7. Start to communicate via letter/the written word. You’ve spoken about how  you talking to him doesn’t seem to be helping. Try writing it out. This way you say exactly what you want to say and he can read it in his own time, and a couple of times over. This will help him to really hear and understand what you are saying, rather than try and understand and respond quickly under pressure. 

I really, really hope that you can work this out OP. I think that if you can, you will have a much stronger relationship for it. But it won’t be easy and there will be bad days.

I also think that you BOTH need to be on board for it to work.


Good luck, I’m cheering for you! 

Post # 15
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds really heartbreaking and like he hid most of his problems really well before being married. 

Honestly, I don’t think he’ll change, and it doesn’t sound like you can live happily with him. I would leave and try to work on healing yourself. 

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

Post # 16
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry, but you really do sound like the battered wife defending her husband. 

He suffers from ADHD and sometimes I think that plays a role.
Absolutely not. This is not how ADHD works. It does not make you treat someone you’re supposed to love like shit.

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