Post # 1
We have been engaged less than a week and i can’t stop talking to him about wedding stuff. I’m always thinking about prospective dates and venues and he just doesn’t seem to want to talk wedding stuff. He isn’t ready to settle on a date. We said it would be this year which means I need to be able to start planning. It makes me feel like everything is too good to be true and I will be waiting for him so that we can set a date just like I was waiting for him to pop the question. I don’t know if everything is just really overwhelming for him or he thought we would be engaged awhile before setting a date. I just don’t like it. I want to look at venues so that we can set a wedding budget and a dress budget etc. I just don’t know if I should stop talking about wedding stuff with him for now and just do things on my own and a little further down the line explain to him that we need to set a date. He said we could tentatively say a certain date but then says it might change to sooner or later. This isn’t fair everything regarding timing can not be up to him it has to be a mutual decision. It’s like he popped the question and now he is scared. Anyway I guess I’m asking if it is normal for him not to want to talk wedding, and if it is normal for him not to be ready to set a time frame, or to tell me yeah i can say that is a tentative date but depending how he feels that might change… That is just a really selfish thing to say…5 days in and I’m already stressed and confused. It’s like I don’t really feel engaged because I don’t know what I’m getting married, and if I don’t know when I’m getting married I don’t know if i’m really getting married.
Post # 3
Yes, it’s normal not to want to make final decisions about the wedding the week you get engaged. It sounds like he just wants to relax and enjoy being engaged for a while. It also seems like you have a lot of anxiety about whether or not this is “real.” I know it can be tough when we finally get something we have wanted for a long time, but unless you have concrete evidence suggesting otherwise, he wouldn’t have proposed if he didn’t really truly intend to marry you! And no, not wanting to set a final wedding date today is not that evidence! He might want to consult with family members about their availability, think about the season he prefers… Or he might just want to chill for a bit and enjoy this new stage in your relationship! Don’t drive him crazy by bugging him to commit to a specific date right away. Take a few weeks, research some venues online and maybe make an appointment to tour one or two next month.
Post # 4
@KatieBklyn: you are probably a million percent right. I just needed to hear someone say it.
Post # 5
He is probably just overwhelmed. My FH can be the same way at times. Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to marry you or anything scary like that…he loves you! Otherwise you wouldn’t be engaged! Congrats, BTW. 🙂
Basically, guys (and sometimes girls) can become very overwhelmed by this stage of a relationship/planning process. Don’t rush him by telling him you NEED to figure out things about a venue, etc. Our engagement is 5 months total and I know people who have had 3 month or even 1 month engagements. So the stressors of planning can be a little bit lax right now. Just enjoy being engaged!
Give him some breathing room. I KNOW you are excited about everything. I was too! Still am! But he is not used to hearing so much about weddings 24/7, so ease him into it a little more.
Something Weddingbee is great for is to vent/ask/talk/plan with other bees who are JUST as excited as you! So when you feel the need to gush about wedding stuff…get on here. 😉 I’m sure you do anyways!
Post # 6
I would calm down for a little bit, at least with him. Talk to us bees about it!
Maybe wait a few weeks and then start slowly bringing up the wedding stuff again. I think it takes a lot of work from the guys to propose and everything that once that is done, it is just a relief and that they are done for awhile.
Post # 7
My FH wants to marry me… but he doesn’t particularly care when or where or how or any of the details. I just need to tell him when to show up where and what he’s supposed to wear. Yours might be the same way. You should ask him (once and in as few words as possible) if he’s okay with you just going ahead with the wedding planning on your own.
He’s proposed, so he wants to marry you! Some men (and women) just don’t care about the rest of it.
Post # 8
@radar: I wouldn’t stress about it. I’ve been with my bf for just under 2 years, and we’ve lived together for a year and a half (we moved fast). We’ve talked about getting married since we started dating, and in a way we feel like we already are. He wants to get married this year, but he hasn’t even proposed yet!! GAH! He has the ring, but says he wants to wait to get engaged until he can make it special. At the rate we’re going, we’re only going to be engaged for a couple months before the wedding. Woman talk about flowers, venue, cake, clothing has been overwhelming for him. Don’t feel alone. I’m in the same boat you are! My date is definitely tentative right now, but it looks like I’ll be putting down the deposit & choosing the date. He just wants to show up and get married, I think this is what a lot of guys are most comfortable with.
Post # 9
I did not vote, I think you and your fiance should decide on a date, or season. Once you both agree, you can research and look up a bunch of things. Do this for a few weeks, than tell him your making appointments to see a few venues based on your date or season.
Your excited, so is he, but guys think on a whole other level, they think great I proposed, and expect that nothing has to happen for a while! LOL
Post # 10
@mepayne: originally he said he wanted to be really involved, so I thought cool I will share all my wedding thoughts with him. I think maybe he doesn’t want to be involved as he thinks he does. He doesn’t I think realize he can’t decide one month and get married the next unless we are not having the wedding we talked about having
@mishagirls79: You are probably right, he probably feels relieved right now and I should just let him feel relieved, but I do need a time frame, we have a tentative date but when he said but it could change it could be sooner or later it kind of threw me off. I understand that is why it is called tentative but typically it is the date you at least try to keep unless something else comes up not plan to change. Maybe it is just a bit much and I should let hime enjoy being engaged while I at least sort through venues and once that is done tell him we need to pick something.
Post # 11
I think you should wait a week or two, and then approach him only about the date. Have a sit down and tell him that you understand that this wedding stuff can be overwhelming, but it’s much easier to go forward if you have a date set. Then you can plan for time off work, start looking for venues and vendors, and so forth. I would also have a couple dates of your own picked out, so it’s easier for him to just say, “Okay, yes, that date sounds good. Start planning.”
And then, keep wedding stuff on the down-low. I did the same thing immediately after getting engaged: I started talking about wedding this and wedding that, and he just wanted to relax for awhile. I can tell it gets overwhelming for him. Since I enjoy planning, I’m just carrying on by myself and then getting his approval after I’ve already formed my ideas about things. Then he offers his input, and that’s it for awhile.
Post # 12
This was my approach…we actually started looking at venues the week before we got engaged. I said I wanted a lot of time to plan so we could set a realistic budget and not go a cent into debt. This is hard for him…he doesn’t always like to plan ahead. He likes the best of the best but he doesn’t shop around and look for the best deal he’ll do a splurge type thing. So it’s a learning experience for him. So far he’s gotten everything he wants and we’re not a cent into debt.
So at the very least, your FI needs to help you set a date and a budget so you guys can go at whatever pace you decide but know how to use that time wisely.
Post # 13
@radar: Oh yeah, that’s definitely an issue. My FH didn’t originally realize that the typical wedding takes a year + to plan. I think he still thinks it’s a lot easier than it really is…