- 2 years ago
This is my first post here and it isn’t the nicest post to start but I am really hoping for some girl advice and I don’t want to talk to anyone I know personally about this, as I don’t want my feelings getting back to my husband.
When my husband and I were engaged, we split up because of a range of issues but the main two being his lack of communication and my immaturity. He was really focused on making a life for us, but I was young and wanted someone who wanted to go out and party and be young and wild with. We were split up for 3 months when I started seeing someone I met online. This guy, Brian was meant to be a casual fling, and that is what it was, except I developed feelings for him. I never told him, I am not sure if he sensed it, but I felt strongly for him. We saw each other for a few months and things started to fizzle out, and eventually one day he just never called me back and I left it at that.
I was pretty torn up over this and never really allowed myself to admit at the time how hurt I was. As time passed, I started talking to my husband again, we went to counselling, reconciled, got married and have been living on cloud nine pretty much ever since. It has been 4 years almost.
My husband knows I dated Brian while we were separated, but I didn’t tell him how strongly I felt about him, or how I still think of him now. The other night my husband and I went to a sporting event and I saw Brian in the crowd. We locked eyes, but I quickly looked away and pushed through the crowd to the other side of the arena hand in hand with my husband. Ever since, I have been thinking about him a lot. I think about the times we shared together, the intimacy that we had and I imagine situations where I bump into him and he realises how great I am and how stupid he was for blowing me off.
My husband is amazing. There isn’t another word to describe him. Brian was arrogant, self-absorbed and selfish. However, Brian was the best sex I have ever had. My husband is good in bed, but Brian and I would lie in each other’s arms for hours and hours, talking and making love. When I have tried to encourage this behaviour with my husband, it feels unnatural and forced. My husband and I are best friends, we are always smiling and laughing and in the bedroom it is much of the same. It is comfortable but not passionate.
I don’t want to be with Brian. I don’t want to sleep with Brian. I just want to be able to stop thinking about him and enjoy my life with my husband.
I feel like because I broke up with my husband in search of greener pastures, I am being punished. I went out looking for crazy passionate sex, and I got it.. but not the rest that should go with it.. and now I know what that is like, I can’t stop thinking about it.
I realise this is a lot of rambling. I don’t know what advice you can give me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.