Post # 1
So my Fiance is an overall wonderful guy. He’s smart, kind, generous. However, when it comes to emotions and me, it just seems like he can’t deal at all.
We just got into a fight. I wanted to have an exchange where we talk about things that we love in the other person. I thought it would be really sweet to just say nice things about the other person. And, it doesn’t have to be serious things–it could be anything. Like the way the fold their laundry or anything silly like that.
He totally clammed up on me. He was just like, “I don’t know, this is weird. Guys don’t think about that stuff.” And basically shut down. Admitedly I got a little peeved. It’s not like I was asking him to tell me lies!! Is it REALLY that hard to tell your future spouse 5 things that you love about him/her???
Am I the only one with a Fiance who can’t talk about this stuff? And although I hate to admit it, in the back of my head, I am thinking that if he can’t even do this simple, small thing….I mean, what else won’t he do for me?
I know guys are generally intimidated by emotion, but I feel like his response is a total cop out! I’m so mad….anyone have thoughts on this? Am I being too much of a girl, or is there another way I can approach the topic?
Post # 4
@blurmeblue: Aw, don’t worry. Mr.ND is very similar. I’ll playfully ask what he likes best about me or why he loves me, and I get an “Uhhh, cause you’re my love.” Well no s#*$, Sherlock, not what I was looking for.
I was very frustrated at first (can’t you name ONE thing you love about me? Why would we get married if you can’t name ONE darn thing?). But, after I calmed down, I just explained to him that even if “guys don’t talk about it” that he’s my fiance, and he can (and should) remind me why he loves me or what makes him happy, etc. And I want to do that for him, too.
Tell him that it makes you feel loved, you like hearing him express those feelings, and tell him what you said here: it doens’t need to be romantic, funny or sweet is good enough. It’s the fact that he’s thinking about it that’s the part you crave. He will hopefully understand that it’s an important and simple thing he can do to build up your relationship.
ETA: I had Mr.ND read ‘The Five Love Languages’ with me. It really helped us to talk about what makes us feel loved and how we are showing our love to one another. He likes to give gifts, that’s how he shows he loves me. I like cuddles and words. Once we realized what we both liked, it was MUCH easier to make sure the other was feeling loved and appreciated.
Post # 5
@blurmeblue: hello.. I am sorry you are upset.
my Fiance is the opposite and wants to talk all the time and he has a really easy time opening up and sharing his emotions. In a way he’s taught me how to be more open and sharing.
maybe you could teach you Fiance how to share his emotions and be more open towards you by opening up to him first and telling him how good it would feel to hear him say why he loves you or the things he loves about you. I am sure he shows his love for you 🙂 but just let him know you’d like to hear it too! you could make it less intimidating by maybe having him write it down on a piece of paper first and then saying it out loud??
If i was in your place I’d be worried to get married to someone that can’t even say 5 things they love about me.. you have a year till your wedding so I feel like this is something you guys can definetely work at!
best of luck to you!
Post # 6
I had a few ex’s like that, I am sorry that really blows. I hate it when guys use that whole “Men aren’t emotional” BS, saying that its a girl thing. I hope it gets better for you. I agree with that it does sound like a cop out. If I were you I would tell him that he is being sexist because insinuating that men don’t have the same emotional range as woman is insulting to everyone….And I soo don’t think you’ve being girly EVERYONE like to hear nice things from there SO.
Post # 7
My Fiance is the opposite, he wears his heart on his sleeve…but my EX had Aspergers, and was the COLDEST person I have ever met. I tried for years to get anything out of him and even though it wasn’t his fault, he made me feel insecure and unloved. I would pick up his arm to put it around my shoulders and it would just flop back down next to him. Emotionless.
Truth is, he just didn’t express himself the way another person would.He showed it in other ways.
I guess I’m trying to say that your comfort level might not be HIS…and it has nothing to do with his love for you.He might even have felt “put on the spot”…maybe give him some time to think of it?
Post # 8
My Fiance can talk about emotions and is fine discussing issues, and tends to be a better communicator than me, but he’s not good at the “mushy” stuff. When we got engaged, he muttered something quick like, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you will you marry me.” Nothing more personal or “deep.” He’s never really said anything ultra sweet or mushy to me, but he shows his love by making time for me always (despite a really demanding and time consuming job) and by always calling me, paying attention to me, etc.
I agree with a PP that maybe your Fiance shows his love in other ways and he’s just not comfortable being vocal… just like when my Fiance asked me to say grace before dinner and I clammered and stammered and stuttered, because although I can pray just fine in my head, and of course I know how, I just wasn’t comfortable praying out loud, I wasn’t sure what to say, and it was really awkward for me.
Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages? Everyone shows their love in different ways: quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, good deeds, physical touch. I show my love through gifts and good deeds. My Fiance shows his love through quality time. I have to understand that if I don’t get gifts and if he doesn’t do “sweet” things, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I recognize that when he makes time for me (and he does, as mentioned before), he’s showing me his love. So perhaps the way you show your love is words of affirmation, but that’s not his… so just because he doesn’t use positive words, or doesn’t know how, doesn’t mean he loves you any less. You mentioned he’s kind and generous- maybe there are other ways he shows you his love for you. 🙂
Post # 9
I would definitely try to focus on what he does do, not what he doesn’t do. My fiancé isn’t very romantic in the traditional sense, but he’s very sweet. I had to explain to him what sort of romantic things would help me feel loved, (roses every once in awhile, calling for no reason) and he understood and tries to do those things more. And when he does I go on and on about how sweet he is so he keeps doing it 🙂 I also pay close attention to when he does things like eat dinner with me….he could easily go eat dinner with any of his friends, but he chooses to spend his nights with me. Plus, he stays with me through everything. I have a lot of mental health issues and he only got overwhelmed and gave up once in over 2 years. And that was for less than a week.
It’s hard, but once you understand what sort of things he does that is him expressing his love, you can see it for what it is and it is really reassuring. My fiancé definitely can’t come up with a page long love letter on the fly, but he did plan a trip for news years for us and he cuddles with me every night 🙂
Post # 10
dont stress it, you prabably caught him off gaurd..
Post # 11
Girl, I could’ve written this… I had the EXACT SAME discussion with my SO last night. I asked him something he loved about me and he totally clammed up.I, on the other hand, could list about 1000 silly little things I love about him right off the top of my head. I’ll admit, sometimes it really makes me sad. I am a huge lover of words, but my SO is just…. not. He shows me he loves me in other ways, but words are not his thing and I doubt that they’ll ever be.
Like someone else suggested, try to focus on the things he DOES do. Like, for example, my SO cleans the snow off of my car in the morning before I get up. That is his way of saying he loves me 🙂
Don’t try to force words out of him! Believe me, I’ve tried. It’s just not everyone’s forte, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.
My SO is hopeless at emotions right now. Every deep discussion we have is like pulling teeth. The poor man was lost when my grandmother died…he had NO idea how to handle the overwhelming emotions I experienced. It’s really difficult for me sometimes, as a person who is probably a little high-maintenance emotion-wise. But at the same time, my SO is a good man with a big heart. He’s just different than me and I’m continually learning to accept that.
Post # 12
My Fiance thinks that because he told me all the things he “liked” about me a couple of months after we started dating, when I was WASTED (I had just fallen head over heels to land on my butt at the bottom of a flight of stairs, if that gives you an idea), that he should never have to tell me again. He says it’s my fault for not remembering and he’ll never be able to say it the way he said it then, so he’s not going to try.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2016 - Beck Rec center
my hubby is not so much interested in my plans i still continue to ask him… consider this are you making it your wedding or ya’ll’s wedding.. this is crucial because if he feels like your running the show and that he is just supposed to show up then he wont get actively involved in planning like you would him too.