Can't talk to my mum about my fertility challenges.

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

phoebephoebo: Have you spoken to her about this, told her what you need to hear?  She may have no idea what to say or how to help, so she says nothing or changes the subject.  

Post # 5
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

phoebephoebo:  I’m sure its really hard on her too.  You’re probably bang on the money – she doesn’t want to upset you further by showing any emotions, the ‘be strong for her’ kind of mentality.  My dad is Spock, I swear to god.  So I totally get it.  (I’ve come to laugh at it.  He’s all logic all the time.  He comes out with some doozies when he’s trying to express any kind of feeling.) 

It sounds like you and your mum might both be trying to protect one another, emotionally.  

Post # 6
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Either Philadelphia City Hall or a small chapel.

sostobe:  I agree with this. All my mom really says to me is “You haven’t had any abortions, you get your period, you’ll be fine.” Then why isn’t biology working the way its supposed to? I haven’t had it checked out because I’ve never gotten the opporunity to try for a full year, but, I have unprotected sex with my fiance atleast 3-5 times a week. There is no way I’m missing my window everytime. 

Post # 7
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

She also might be embarassed? Some people find fertility problems too personal, and talking about them or miscarriages might be too embarassing for her. Whether that’s just social norms of keeping it quiet or being embarassed because she just doesn’t know what to say

Post # 8
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

phoebephoebo:  aw I’m sorry you are going through this. I wanted to offer another possible perspective. I think a lot of the older generation doesn’t really understand infertility as much as we do now in the information age. Many of them just got pregnant. Is she this way with any other emotional issues? Like when you were dating? I agree with others that you could sit down and tell her how you feel. You don’t have to make it about how you don’t feel she is un-supportive. You could just say something like, “I wish you’d open up to me about this. I’d like to be able to talk with you about it, if you’re comfortable.”

Post # 9
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My mom always tries to discuss her miscarriage (she had one after my sister was born when I was 14 and it deeply effected her) and later on when she went through menopause it was a very trying time for her emotionally and she always wanted (and still does) like to discuss the profound things she went through during both these times. It always made me uncomfortable to discuss these things with her, I never knew what to say. When it comes to my friends and their personal issues, it’s a little easier for me, but maybe it’s because it’s my mom? In just considering for you that perhaps it’s because you are your daughter she has some of the same feelings of embarrassment, smedia comfort, not knowing what to say, afraid to say the wrong thing. 

 

Post # 10
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

Even if they manage to blurt out “the talk” at some point, some parents are really uncomfortable talking about any sex related subject with their kids (at any age). I don’t know if that applies to your situation. I’m sorry you aren’t getting the support you need from her. I’m sorry for your loss.

 

Post # 11
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I just posted something on the 1 year wall similar to this but I find it really strange how people find fertility issues to be so awkward and uncomfortable to talk about.  Yes if the person experiencing the problems is uncomfortable talking about it that is TOTALLY understand able.  But when that person is open and don’t mind discussing thier issue, like any other medical issue why do others act so strangly.  Friends and co-workers will ask “are you guys trying yet?” which is the polite way of saying “are you guys having unprotected sex right now?” and they see no problem with that but then when I say “yes we have been for over 10 months now but we havent been sucessful yet”… THEN they become uncomfortable? seriously? I find it halarious honestly. I almost have to hold back laughter when I see the awkward look on their face as they change the subject.  I am really sorry your having  problems with your mom but I hope this makes you laugh at least!

Post # 12
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I think this can be a difficult topic. On the one hand, you don’t want to fall into the “TMI” camp. On the other, this is something which you might want to discuss.

We all rely on different people for different types of emotional support. Perhaps your mother is not the right person to rely on for this particular type of support. I realise that this might be hard to accept, particularly if you are very close. However, sometimes the older generation really do not “get it”. They just had sex and eventually had children. For example, my grandparents understood so little about sex that they got pregnant on their honeymoon… despite deciding that they wouldn’t have children for a few years. Anyway, maybe it would be better to talk to someone your own age about this?

I know that these topics can be difficult. Whenever I go to see my in-laws, FMIL always takes the opportunity to take me to one side and say how she would love grandchildren, and that it “might take me a while, so it’s always good to start planning early”. I don’t really want to say “actually, we’ve been trying for over 5 months now, and we suspect a few problems, but the GP is telling us to wait and see for a few months more”. It feels too… personal. On the other hand, I also have a few people in my life (who shall remain nameless) who enjoy taking me to one side and saying “ugh, I’m so glad you decided not to have kids! When you married a Catholic I thought you’d be barefoot and pregnant… aren’t children awful? Now we are in our 30s, all of our friends have turned into such breeders“. Obviously, there is no way I’m sharing anything with them, either!

Meh… you can’t freaking well win.

Post # 13
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

It is a topic that many people are scared to talk about.  Sometimes people end up not saying anything, other then risk saying the wrong thing.

I always find it helpful to start conversations that are difficult by laying out exactly what I want from the listener.  “I was hoping to talk to you about something, but I don’t need you to try and solve the problem, but just listen”  Or whatever I think I need in that moment.  Or call them out on their avoidance.  “You seem to not want to talk about this, but it’s something I need to get off my chest, all you need to say is that sucks” 

Good luck.  It is not an easy position to be in, and people being weird about it doesn’t make it better. 

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