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My parents get a letter yesterday in the mail addressed to me. I go over and read...
-- We are so happy to hear of your upcoming wedding. We will be in Charleston for a family vacation that same weekend and plan to join in your celebration. Don't worry about getting us the details, Gladys copied the invitation. ---
signed, 6 names I don't know. WHO THE $%&#%& ARE THESE PEOPLE?!
I call FH in a rage, we've already had issues with his invite list and his family thinking its ok to invite the entire town. Turns out, Gladys is a friend of FH's grandma. I didn't want Gladys invited in the first place as neither FH or I know her but his g-ma gave him a guilt trip about how her husband just died and she really wants to take a trip. So Gladys RSVPS and adds 2 people!! Errrr. (Her grandaughter and grandaughters boyfriend). I get over that but NOW THIS! Turns out that the six people are Gladys next door neighbors and FH's g-ma told her to invite them. I told him to call his grandma asap and tell her these people were not allowed to come.
He calls her and she basically says, "Well I hope I don't forget to do that before the wedding." WTF?!?! She has no plans to tell them. So I get home and tell FH to call his parents and get their number because I WILL CALL THEM. FH calls his parents (G-ma seemed to have "misplaced" the number) and they again try to guilt him into just allowing these people to be invited. So I get on the phone and tell them very nicely that I am going to feel very uncomfortable having 9 people I don't know and that have no connection to me at the wedding. I can deal with a few extra but 9 complete strangers? FMIL responds with, "well our family is going to feel uncomfortable with the alcohol being served, but we're getting passed it." WHHAAAATTT?!?!?!?!? TWO DIFFERENT ISSUES LADY!
Then the conversation just keeps getting worse with her saying that we can take the money out of the flower budget...huh? You said you weren't paying for the flowers but now you are because you really won't have to? (That was an entire other issue) I was soooo confused, I finally just handed the phone back to FH and said, "those people better not show up and tell your parents to pay for the damn flowers"
Ladies I don't even know what to say. I'm exhausted from the wedding issues. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter but it does. His family just makes everything so difficult. :(
I'd be on fire. 9 people is a LOT of extra money!! I'm sorry. :(
That would make me SO mad.
At this point I'd hire security and give them a list of invited guests and make everyone show ID at the door. If you aren't on the list, you don't get in.
That is absurd that your FI's family is being so rude about the whole thing.
Holy Crap, I would be livid!!! I'd be telling future grandma to fork up some major cash for their plates!! WTF? Who does this? I got several "extra" people coming that I do not know...a couple here and there for certain guests....but NOT NINE!!
Your FH needs to step up and get on this asap!!!
I'm sorry but that would be a no-go for me. Your FI needs to learn to be firm. HIS family is causing the issues and HE needs to be the one to very firmly tell them that it's not happening. The fact that they obviously KNOW that what they are doing goes against what you and your FI wants would really send my temper through the roof. If the return address is on that letter, I would send them one right back. "Sorry, but you guys aren't invited. Enjoy your vacation."
Wow, that is so unbelieveable. I cannot believe that people think it's just okay to invite whomever to a wedding!
Do you have a return address on the letter you received?
I would sent them back a strongly worded letter that says while you appreciate their enthusiasm you simply do not have space to accommodate NINE MORE PEOPLE and you are sorry to inform them that they cannot attend your wedding.
Wow, this warrants an "oh sh*t!"
I'm not sure how I'd handle this since I wouldn't want to get off on the wrong foot with the in-laws. I'd say don't acknowledge the 9 strangers if they show up.
WTF?!
Nine extra people?
Agree with PPs that your FI needs to call his nutty family members and make it abundantly clear that you guys are not going to pay however much it costs to feed nine complete strangers.
@KatNYC2011:agreed!
Hire security and just "misplace" gma's friend and granddaughter and boyfriend from the list as well. While all of this is going on. .you will be far from it! That is VERY rude! I don't understand how guests could WANT to go to a wedding of a complete stranger either! it just doesn't make sense!
I would tell them they have to pay for the extra people if they want them there so badly.
It may not sound like it but FH is trying VERY hard. He didn't invite any of his friends to the wedding because of his parents list and when he reminded them of that last night his parents and grandma just throw things back in his face. They don't fight fair and they are so manipulative its ridiculous.
They just threw me a shower and I thought things had gotten soooo much better. I was way off.
@KatNYC2011: No return address and we don't know the six peoples last name and his parents "don't remember it" so we can't get a number or address!
@KatNYC2011: That's exactly what i was going to suggest.
Dang i thought i had it bad with my husbands hillbilly relatives, they just didn't show up. Not show up and bring a posse. sheesh
Whoah... I would seriously call grandma and ask her if she would like to pay $x to cover the costs of the NINE additional plates and whatever the centerpiece, table settings, etc are going to cost for the entire extra table. That is beyond rediculous. I'm so sorry that you're FH's family is putting you through this!
@june42011: So, wait. Your ILs don't have an address or a phone number for these people, but it is imperative that they show up for the wedding?
Riiiiiiiight.
Crazy people.
OMG! Do you have the grandmother's address? It's her next door neighbours. Google map the grandmother. Then determine who's next door in an reverse address look-up, and Call them! This is ridiculous!!!!
One I'd let them get away with, but 9!!! There would be steam coming out my ears.
Are you the one's paying for the wedding?
Be firm and make them understand that this can not happen and there will not be seats or food for these people.
@teaadntoast: RIGHT?!?!! G-ma has the info but she's not giving it up!!! We have an address for Gladys but thats all.
@june42011: If you don't have a return address and things aren't working out by talking over the phone, it may be a good idea to get everyone together in one place (FIs parents, gramdmother, and the two of you) and have a serious talk about boundaries. Nobody should be issuing an invitation to your wedding except for you and your FI.
I would make it clear that they are responsible for uninviting anyone who is not on the guestlist b/c you would hate for people to be embarassed when the big, huge, bouncer who will be checking guests off at the door based on your guestlist won't let them in. (I would say that even if there was no bouncer b/c they wouldn't know that...LOL.)
Also, if they aren't paying, they really don't have a say. It's nice that you guys are giving them what seems like a pretty substantial list already. If they aren't happy with it, another idea is to let them know that anybody new they invite will replace somebody that's already on their list.
I have noticed that people seem to care all about proper etiquette until THEY want to break the rules...ridiculous.
So your Fiance's Grandmother's friend invited her next door neighbors. I would be absolutely livid too. I would be blunt about it to his family say there are three options 1. FI's family calls them and says that they are not invited 2. You hire security and have them removed or 3. If they show up to the wedding send them a bill for their plates, sign it "The NewLastNames" this option sounds harsh but I think they are way out of line.
I seriously don't even understand why someone would accept a photocopied invitation to the wedding of their neighbors friend.
@june42011: Do you know anyone named Vinny? Or possibly Thor? Someone whose extracurricular hobbies include terrifying the aged and insane and petty extortion?
Seriously consider getting security, even if it is just a friend or someone you know who is already planning to attend the wedding. I have a couple of friends who will help people find the seats and if you do not have a place card with a table assigned you will be asked to wait until I and FI get there to handle the situation.
@JamaicaBride: We live in Missouri, they are in South Carolina so a visit won't work.
We already told FH's family that they needed to pay for any "extra" people but the issue is also space, our venue fits 100 comfortably so we split the list 50/50 and we're doing it cocktail style so adding tables isn't an option. There list is over 50 so adding an extra 8( because really Gladys was originally invited) is REALLY going to put a strain on things.
Just tell them they arent invited and make sure you have escort cards at the reception. If they still insist on showing up they will have no seats and will look foolish
I agree with everyone! That is HORRIBLE. 9 extra people?! WTH!
I also agree to look for a return address and send them a letter back, and then maybe look into security, and give them YOUR guest list.
@june42011: I think hiring security (or having a friend act as security) is really the best option if FI's family won't cooperate.
Just have someone take names at the door and turn away anyone not on the list.
Just have them say, I'm very sorry but you are not on the list and we are already at capacity with the guests who are. Maybe even see if the fire marshal can come in and require them, by law and fire standards, to leave.
@bells: we don't have assigned tables since its a cocktail-like reception.
It sounds so easy to just say, "sorry you're not invited" but its like a conspiracy, we can't get these peoples numbers to tell them directly or an address to mail them a letter and his family is not helping.
@KatNYC2011: Fire marshal GREAT idea. Maybe you can tell FI's family that you contacted the venue and they said that the fire marshal will not allow it.
@june42011: Are you having your reception in a hotel? They may be able to provide you with a person of large size who can serve as a doorkeeper.
@teaadntoast: Lol at "person of large size".
We have to have a security officer for the place anyway. It's in an historic building so its required. I just hate the idea of all my OTHER invited guests having to be checked at the door... I can't believe this is even a real issue I'm having!!! I'm really hoping FH can just talk some sense into his grandma and tell her to get these people not to show up.
@june42011: Well...that explains it. I was born and raised in SC and people LOVE to do stuff like this when it comes to weddings. It's that whole Southern hospitality, the more the merrier thing we Southerners have going on.
Best advice I can give you, if you haven't done it already, get a few hostesses to handle your guest list and seating chart. They will make sure that only those who rsvp-ed get into the venue and get a seat. Everybody else has to wait to see if there are any extra seats available, and once those run out...everybody else has to go home.
Seriously, I went to a friend's wedding, and some people didn't RSVP so the church was PACKED. A lot of her invited guests who actually flew from other states couldn't get in to see the wedding b/c nobody was checking the guest list. The reception was even worse, people rushed to the reception and were actually sitting IN the venue before the hostesses made it over. They had to CLEAR THE ROOM and then go by the list of guests who rsvp-ed. A LOT of people ended up not being let in b/c they weren't on the original guest list, or didn't RSVP.
I would have fiance talk to his parents and let them know if these people show up to the wedding they will be asked to leave by the venue coordinator. They are not welcome and the grandmother is not allowed to invite anyone. If alcohol makes them uncomfortable- maybe they shouldn't attend. Set a clear boundary it's your way or no way. Is this harsh? Perhaps.. but some people need a wake up call.
To get their address:
1. Go to Google Maps: http://maps.google.ca/maps?hl=en&tab=wl
2. Type in Grandma's address.
3. Once at Grandma's address, click on "Street View" so you can see all of the houses. This gives you a view of her next door neighbour's houses, as well as their full mailing addresses.
4. To see whether you have the right people, use this Reverse Address Search for South Carolina - http://whitepages.addresses.com/white_pages/SC/A.html Type the address of her neighbours, and if they are listed, it will give their names and telephone numbers. You can decide at that point whether to call or send a letter. (Personally, I would send a very nice letter).
I would NOT let this go. I am SO steamed for you.
Omg this is crazy!!! I would seriously b!tchslap grandma at this point!!! What the heck is wrong with people?! Who decides that they can be invited to a wedding via a photocopied invite from a friend of a family member and bring 5 other people with them?!?!?!?!
@JamaicaBride: Yeah I got that. His family honestly thought we would invite the ENTIRE town to the wedding. As in - get a phone book and go down the list. I thought we were very clear to them but obviously not.
Its one thing to invite people but the fact that they are going out of their way to PREVENT me from uninviting them is the most frustrating part :(
Sweet Fancy Moses, this is insane!
I would be SO pissed. There is NO way that I would let these people in. Also, I would be having a really serious talk with your FH's parents (rather your FH should be having a talk). This is nuts!
What does your FH say?
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