Post # 1
Ugh, I’m so stressed. I feel bad saying this but I cannot wait until we get our own place. I can’t handle the drama that is going on between stevens parents and us, because it just is not worth it. Today his mom asked us to bring up our dishes from dinner last night so she could start the dishwasher. He brought them up, put them in the dishwasher and came back downstairs. She then screamed down the stairs (like she always does instead of coming downstairs and knocking on the door) that he needed to get upstairs and take care of them right now. When he went back up there she said that his dad said that if we can’t start bringing up our dishes and always washing them we needed to get our own out and stop using theirs. I’m sorry?!? I ALWAYS do our dishes, and there have been many many times that I walk up there and, without saying ANYTHING, put their dishes in too. But if I decide I won’t want to unload or whatever yet I still rinse them off she’ll put all hers in the dishwasher and leave mine. It happens ALL THE TIME. And I’m so sick of it.
I’m the only one around here who does any cleaning (besides my FI). I clean THEIR bathroom because it’s nasty, or the kitchen, or anything. I clean our own room, laundry and dishes. I would cook dinner too but everytime I mention it his mom acts disguisted by my suggestions. (she’s the worlds pickiest eater). So I let them provide dinner for us but we take care of buying groceries and everything else. I’ve offered them money but they always act like I’m being rude, so I don’t anymore.
I’m sorry for acting childish but I’m just so sick of it. I LOVE THEM TO DEATH, but I can’t handle it sometimes. And there is no way it’s my place to talk to them, we are getting free rent after all. (SN: We are living here until the wedding so that we can both go to school, we are too financially unstable to have our own place, pay for school and the wedding, even though we have been saving up for two years. His parents wanted us back with them so we said yes.)
Post # 3
My husband and I live with his family right now, so I understand completely. I hate living here. Usually we’re right on top of keeping everything clean (doing dishes, cleaning the upstairs bathroom, taking all the trash out, doing our own laundry), but if we fall behind once, we always end up hearing about it. Those few times that my MIL gets angry really make me not want to be around her at all. Little by little, I’m really starting to dislike her. It also doesn’t help that one of his sisters still lives at home, and I can’t stand her. They are both very passive aggressive.
We also have a 6-month old, which doesn’t always make keeping everything clean possible if baby needs something. There have been several times that I wanted to get things done, only to not be able to even find the time to eat during the day.
I’m just so glad that there’s a good job possibility about 24 hours away from here. We’re going in January to see what it’s all about, and hopefully after that, we can get out of here for good.
I wish I could give you some advice or something, but maybe it’ll help to just know that somebody is right there with you.
Post # 4
@Superstitions: That is very comforting. I commend you on trying so hard to do everything. I know, it isn’t easy and I can’t imagine having to do everything with a 6-month old to tow. His family is very passive agressive too and never complains to me, but they do whine about him a lot. It makes me frustrated that I have to stand up for him, or get caught up in their getting mad at him.
Again, kudos to you for all that you do. I hope you guys land the job!
Post # 5
I hear ya. Although I must admit I’m a bit jealous because we don’t live together. I live with my dad, he lives with his (he’s been on his own many times but had to come back due to financial reasons, I’ve never been on my own)
But I understand what you’re saying. I could never live with his dad. There is plenty of room for me there, but his father would drive me insane. First of all, he hovers…all the time…we’ll be downstairs reading or watching tv, or a movie, and he’ll come down and start talking to us about something random, and we’ll have to pause it and listen to him ramble for about 20 mins. He does this several times a night, takes us like 4 hours to watch a 90 min movie…or if we’re working on some project together (wrapping Christmas presents, cleaning the basement, etc.) he’ll stand there and watch us and comment on how we’re doing it wrong. He hardly uses the heat in the winter (relies mainly on the fireplace in the living room), harldy uses the A/C in the summer, so it’s always freezing cold or stupid hot. And it’s not because he can’t afford it, because believe me, he can. The house is filthy. It’s kept nice looking, but if you look closer you can see the dust on everything, and I’m pretty sure the only room that gets vacuumed is the living room. Whenever I have showered there, I get lectured about how long my showers are (um..hello I shave my legs and other areas! thanks!), if I blow dry and/or straighten my hair I get lectured about using too much electricity (even though he has a huge tv upstairs that uses enough electricity to power a small city…) Anyway I just couldn’t imagine dealing with him 24/7, although it’d be nice to finally wake up to FI every day. *sigh* One day…
Post # 6
@Superstitions:ok I agree with the OP. now that I just read you have a 6 month old, my complaints seem petty lol
Post # 7
I realize that my orignal comment may have come off as I almost play the role of a maid. I wasn’t intending for it to come across that way, so sorry if I gave the wrong impression.
It’s not like it’s completely expected out of us to do everything, but I do try my hardest while his parents are at work. It’s not a requirement of living there, besides cleaning the bathroom, but it definitely gets tiring. Mostly, I try to unload/load the dishwasher if I’m there and take out the trash if I notice it needs taking out.
It’s just that the few times I’ve heard complaints, it’s harsh. My MIL told my husband about how she was dismayed when my FIL had to clean the bathroom. It ticked me off, because my husband is usually great at getting it clean. It was fully his intention to get it done before we left for a few days. I’ve been talked harshly to for very petty things. We left without saying goodbye to her, because this was literally minutes before we left.
Another time, she got completely ticked off when some dishes were left in the sink. I felt horrible, because the only reason I had left my one dish out was because I couldn’t tell if the dishwasher was clean or not. I avoid her for days after these kind of things happen. Neither one of us feel welcome here at all, which makes it that much more difficult.
Post # 8
If you’re financially unstable now to get an apartment, what will make you all-of-a-sudden financially stable after the wedding?
Wouldn’t the financially responsible thing be to put the wedding money towards an apartment and get married with a JoP?
I was almost 19 when I got pregnant and engaged. We decided to immediately pool our money and get an apartment. We were both working. DH had started his business and was cultivating clients. I was going to college part time and working. DH got another job in order to bring in more income and also worked at running and growing his business. It was incredibly busy and crazy and stressful for us, but we wanted to show our parents that we were financially independent and could handle our situation. I didn’t want to get married while pregnant, so we put those plans on the back burner.
I worked througout my pregnancy, went to school part time, and drew up the plans for my business. I figured out how I could raise my baby, start a business, and go to school. And, I did all of that once our little girl was born.
It was more important to us to be financially stable and be on our own. Doing that definitely showed our parents that we were being responsible for our actions.
If I could do it, you can, too. Don’t you think you’d be better off using some of that wedding money to get a place of your own? Have a smaller wedding, push the date out, downscale the wedding. Just get yourself financially stable before marriage. You don’t need lack of money to be an added stress to your marriage.
Post # 9
@BanditGirl: First of all, I do want to commend you for all the hard work you put towards everything you did. It seems as though you took a situation that could have either made you or not. And you chose to work it in your favor.
However, while I appreciate your advice, I must say that so far we have been doing pretty well. When we first met I was still living with my parents and he his. About six months into our relationship I needed to get out of my parents house (immediately) so I moved in with his parents until we could get a place of our own.
We worked hard for 8 months then opened a joint bank account and got our own apartment. He worked 40 hours a week at his job and I decided that in order to save up more I would get two jobs. I worked 30-40 hours a week at my morning job, would come home and sleep for a few hours, then go back to work serving nights and work 20-30 hours a week there. It was nuts. I quit my second job in April though after I got sick for a month and couldn’t get better. I knew I was putting too much strain on myself.
A couple months after that we decided that my FI only had 4 classes to finish up his associates. School has been difficult for him so he quit work to take his four classes (Which he is now just finishing up, woohoo!!). He’s applying for jobs again so he can get back to working and next semester I’m working full time and going to school full time (or almost full time) will trying to get a promotion.
While we are not completely financially stable RIGHT now we realize that a real wedding is very important to us. We moved back into his parents house so that we could save up the rent money and put it towards the money. Being independent is something I miss but his parents have us staying in our own part of the house. After we get married next year (we are having the least expensive wedding we can, I bought a $150 dress, found the cheapest venue, etc) we are hoping to have enough money to move out again and attend a university (maybe live on campus in married housing)
I know that we could push the wedding date back, but I believe that this day is something we both have been dreaming about for our whole lives. Before we even got engaged we picked this date and while it may seem petty to others I believe that the fact that we have saved up for over two years for this and have managed to go back to school and work two jobs, etc, says a lot. We will be able to handle everything, it just won’t be extremely easy. We’ve been working really hard for as long as I can remember but we’ve made it. Thank the lord!
Post # 10
@Superstitions: I’m really sorry. I didn’t think you inferred that you were playing the role of the maid, but your situation does suck. I hope things get better for you, as no one wants to walk on eggshells every day!
Post # 11
My partner & I lived with my parents for a time while he was finishing college (they were pretty adamant that I at least stay due to the situation –had a child together & he was finishing school therefore not 100% financially stable).
I used to do the dishes, wash the floors, cook all the meals, vacuum, clean the bathrooms etc, while paying for our own groceries. My parents never outright said anything, but my mother is the queen of passive-aggressive behaviour.
It caused a lot of stress and a lot of unnecessary tension between my partner & I, and when we moved out it was the BEST thing for our relationship. It was tough and a pain in the A$$ to be spending money on rent, but in the end it was worth it, as we wouldn’t be where we are now if we hadn’t made the choices we did then.
However, instead of getting married we took our savings & bought a house. A family wedding is important to us as well, but it wasn’t our top priority (being stable & providing for our son was our number 1).
If this is the way you have to do things to get what you want, then you might just have to suffer through it. FWIW, your relationship with his parents will probably improve a thousand fold once you two get out on your own though.