Career Changed Me- Unhappy at Home Now

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

However I KNOW what it is like to change and grow while in a relationship… and have the other person not like it at all. The guy I was with didn’t like the person I was turning into to… and then I realised what he didn’t like was me getting new friends, new interests and being happy (outside of him!).

I don’t think you guys have a chance unless you do some serious counselling.

Your husband is using his lack of forgiveness to control you. You don’t ‘owe him the world’ because of your indiscretions – that kind of relationship where he has all the power cannot be sustained. And his approach to sex – ugh, that is just horrible.

I’m glad you don’t have kids yet. If he doesn’t change then I would leave.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@younglady:  I agree with all of this 100%!  

My ex-BF was a lot like you are describing your husband.  I am a lot like you describe yourself.  I also fell for someone at work (though it didn’t get any type of physical, just emotional).  Someone just like me, who was ambitious and who I just clicked with.  By the time I got to that point with my coworker, I had completely emotionally checked out of the relationship with my ex-BF.  Sex grossed me out, kissing him grossed me out… I just resented him for his ambitionless, controlling, and sissy personality.  I can completely relate and no judgment is being passed from here.

I think it’s great that you’re trying your best to save your marriage – good for you!!  I hope it works out, but keep in mind that if it doesn’t work out, you are not the only one to blame.  

EDIT:  That co-worker is now my fiancee.  🙂

Post # 6
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m firm believer that if any relationship is going to get passed any form of cheating then it needs to be left in the past.  You apologized, he decided to stay with you and now he needs to move on.  If he isn’t going to forgive you then he shouldn’t stay with you.  What you did was wrong but that does not make you a bad person and does not mean you should be punished for the rest of your life.  Have you talked to him about how you are checking out and want to leave? If not I would do that and tell him I’m going to give our relationship 6 months or year or however long to see if we can START to move in a positive direction.  If it doesn’t then I think its time to call it quits, if it does then keep working at your marriage. 

Post # 8
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@ashgirl3:  Oh wow. Well first off I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Secondly, I don’t think this mess is anything that can’t be cleared up and I’m sure you’ll find the best thing for you.

You never said in yoour ppost, bt I get the feeling that you were kind of shy before yor career ‘changed’ you. Am I right? Was your husband always the more assertive one in your relationship?  Are you more confident and less afraid to ask for what you want now? 

If so, this is a stuation I’ve seen before. Usually the wife is a shy girl, and her husband is kind of a loudmouth who controlls her. Usually he treats her like shit too, but she she is expected to be very grateful to have him. Like you said, she owes him the world and to him, she has no needs. At some point the wife finds some self worth and grows as a person, she gets more confident and less afraid to make sure her needs are being met. Of course, her asshole husband can’t handle this and claims that she’s ‘selfish’ because she doesn’t kowtow to his wants and needs anymore. 

Maybe that’s your marriage. Maybe not. But either way, here’s what I think you should do: 

I strongly recommend you go talk to a therapist alone about your feelings. Have a few sessions at first and then take it from there. There are obviously lots of things you need to figure out and a therapist will guide you through it all. Once you’re a little more clear about what you want and how you feel, you should go see a marriage counsellor. It’s obvious that you and your husband are having serious problems but I think you individualy are confused too and this seems like the best solution. I had a friend go through a situation like this before, and she was a confused mess most of the time. It wasn’t until she went to see a therapist and worked her feelings out that things started to become clearer. 

Post # 9
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

He needs to go to counseling with you. He has to work through the issues at one point or another. The stuff you listed can be fixed.I hope he comes around to it.

Have an intervention with him. Write him a letter ahead of time. Sit him down on a day without arguments or anything. Plan a “date” at home of sorts. Read it to him. Talk about your wedding day, talk about your journey together, talk about it all. Tell him this is worth fixing and you want him to go to counseling with you. He won’t be able to say no.

I have worked through some of this with my DH. I am like you in a way. I am the go getter, the direct one, etc. I am well aware that my hubs lacks those qualities but I know he makes up for them in other ways. We balance each other out.

Hugs and best of luck to you!

 

Post # 10
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Are you two committed to making this work? Or was this all a mistake? I ask because I dont believe in soul mates or perfect compatibility or two people destined to be together- only in two people willing to work and compromise and struggle and suffer together and for each other.  I don’t think this is something you can be indecisive about, you guys need to make a choice and throw yourselves in to it.

Post # 11
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse

I kind of feel like you already know the answer but feel bad because you haven’t been married long. I felt the same in a past relationship, I was flirty, but never physically did anything. My ex was controlling and never apologized. I was always in the wrong. But when I started flirting , in my heart I knew what my answer was and i wasn’t getting what I needed in my relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@ashgirl3:  Make couples counseling an ultimatum.  If he truly has forgiven you (which it sounds like he hasn’t) then he needs to let go of past incidents and move on.  If he can’t fully forgive you and move on, then you have a serious problem in your relationship.  If he refuses then continue with individual counseling until you finally really you have two options: 1) stay with him and be miserable until he decides to forgive you (or not); or 2) leave him and fine someone else who can trust you.

Post # 15
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I third the recommendation to see a therapist alone to sort through your feelings. Why did you marry your husband? Do you still love him? If not, how long since you’ve actively loved him? If you feel that you are the best version of yourself now, and your husband does not like who that is, then your problems are much bigger than your one indiscretion. It is really hard to experience personal growth within a relationship. I speak from experience. I think that a therapist will help you sort out whether you want to stay in the relationship and put the work that it will require to save it, or if you are just staying out of inertia and because it seems like the right thing to do.

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