Post # 1
Hi bees, this is my first post. It’s really hard to write but I am hoping it will take me one step away from the path of denial I’m stuck on.
I’ve been married now a little over a year. I hate to say this but I wish I had waited ONE more year before getting engaged, there was so much I didn’t know about myself before I started my career. (Been together 6 years). My husband works from home with a very easy job and has no ambitions to grow in his career (to each their own?). I on the other hand, took off like a rocket. Working like crazy and totally loving it. I have never felt better about myself and my abilities, so yes I’m a proud bee now. I’m not too cocky though, I have flaws. I have learned that I am an extremely emotional person… sensitive, stubborn, and needy of affection and attention. My husband is a very simple person who HATES apologizing, prefers to sweep things under the rug and has slightly controlling tendencies. (Nothing scary, but its there. He also is wonderful sometimes, I just am very frustrated with him right now). He tells me regularly that work has changed me for worse and I’m “too direct” now. The best way to explain it is, although he and I are actually speaking English- we’re not communicating. I might as well speak French.
Next chapter: I did a bad bad bad thing bees… I kissed a coworker and became too friendly over email. Please try not to judge!! Met someone who is JUST as emotional as I am and needs the same things in return. Really hard to ignore people in life that you click with immediately and who actually understand the things you say and feel. Here’s where it gets tricky… my husband saw a couple flirty emails one night (this was 8 months ago) and although I ended it immediately, apologized endlessly and tell him how much I want to improve everything, he is still so angry with me and refuses to talk about what got me to that point. I honestly had some faith that after this *indiscrepancy* we maybe could get to a point where he would want to address my needs. To him, I officially have no needs- instead I owe him the world now.
My needs still aren’t being met, I’m feeling super alone and literally can FEEL myself checking out, which I don’t want to do. I don’t want to have sex with him because it’s ALL he talks about (he told me once I need to just “do it because that’s my duty”) Gross. I know I’m being selfish, but I also don’t want to find myself in a loveless marriage, especially before kids.
Help! (And yes, I am going to a counselor, and have asked him to do couples sessions too… he said no a million times before saying maybe). I honestly am so sick of flighting I hate coming home, and I really hate that I already want an out… not how I envisioned my life.
Advice? Encouragement? Just please don’t beat me up because I already get that enough at home.
Thanks pretty bees.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
However I KNOW what it is like to change and grow while in a relationship… and have the other person not like it at all. The guy I was with didn’t like the person I was turning into to… and then I realised what he didn’t like was me getting new friends, new interests and being happy (outside of him!).
I don’t think you guys have a chance unless you do some serious counselling.
Your husband is using his lack of forgiveness to control you. You don’t ‘owe him the world’ because of your indiscretions – that kind of relationship where he has all the power cannot be sustained. And his approach to sex – ugh, that is just horrible.
I’m glad you don’t have kids yet. If he doesn’t change then I would leave.
Post # 4
@younglady Ahhhhhh thank you so much for replying and your opinion. Honestly just hearing someone else say it makes me feel so much better.
I feel like the fact that I made that mistake is something that will forever make me feel guilty, and it’s crazy how much you feel like you owe someone once you make a mistake. Just don’t know when enough is enough.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
@younglady: I agree with all of this 100%!
My ex-BF was a lot like you are describing your husband. I am a lot like you describe yourself. I also fell for someone at work (though it didn’t get any type of physical, just emotional). Someone just like me, who was ambitious and who I just clicked with. By the time I got to that point with my coworker, I had completely emotionally checked out of the relationship with my ex-BF. Sex grossed me out, kissing him grossed me out… I just resented him for his ambitionless, controlling, and sissy personality. I can completely relate and no judgment is being passed from here.
I think it’s great that you’re trying your best to save your marriage – good for you!! I hope it works out, but keep in mind that if it doesn’t work out, you are not the only one to blame.
EDIT: That co-worker is now my fiancee. 🙂
Post # 6
I’m firm believer that if any relationship is going to get passed any form of cheating then it needs to be left in the past. You apologized, he decided to stay with you and now he needs to move on. If he isn’t going to forgive you then he shouldn’t stay with you. What you did was wrong but that does not make you a bad person and does not mean you should be punished for the rest of your life. Have you talked to him about how you are checking out and want to leave? If not I would do that and tell him I’m going to give our relationship 6 months or year or however long to see if we can START to move in a positive direction. If it doesn’t then I think its time to call it quits, if it does then keep working at your marriage.
Post # 7
@LMD: Thank you for your comment- and the edit 🙂 Glad to hear similar stories, and that they can have happy endings- Congrats on your engagement! Appreciate the understanding, and yes that’s exactly how I feel.
@ayssaC: I agree with you. I am being kind of a pansy and not telling him how serious I am about how bad it is, it’s just scary when someone’s got something over your head. I will definitely take your advice.
Thanks ladies, super appreciate getting feedback from you.
Post # 8
@ashgirl3: Oh wow. Well first off I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Secondly, I don’t think this mess is anything that can’t be cleared up and I’m sure you’ll find the best thing for you.
You never said in yoour ppost, bt I get the feeling that you were kind of shy before yor career ‘changed’ you. Am I right? Was your husband always the more assertive one in your relationship? Are you more confident and less afraid to ask for what you want now?
If so, this is a stuation I’ve seen before. Usually the wife is a shy girl, and her husband is kind of a loudmouth who controlls her. Usually he treats her like shit too, but she she is expected to be very grateful to have him. Like you said, she owes him the world and to him, she has no needs. At some point the wife finds some self worth and grows as a person, she gets more confident and less afraid to make sure her needs are being met. Of course, her asshole husband can’t handle this and claims that she’s ‘selfish’ because she doesn’t kowtow to his wants and needs anymore.
Maybe that’s your marriage. Maybe not. But either way, here’s what I think you should do:
I strongly recommend you go talk to a therapist alone about your feelings. Have a few sessions at first and then take it from there. There are obviously lots of things you need to figure out and a therapist will guide you through it all. Once you’re a little more clear about what you want and how you feel, you should go see a marriage counsellor. It’s obvious that you and your husband are having serious problems but I think you individualy are confused too and this seems like the best solution. I had a friend go through a situation like this before, and she was a confused mess most of the time. It wasn’t until she went to see a therapist and worked her feelings out that things started to become clearer.
Post # 9
He needs to go to counseling with you. He has to work through the issues at one point or another. The stuff you listed can be fixed.I hope he comes around to it.
Have an intervention with him. Write him a letter ahead of time. Sit him down on a day without arguments or anything. Plan a “date” at home of sorts. Read it to him. Talk about your wedding day, talk about your journey together, talk about it all. Tell him this is worth fixing and you want him to go to counseling with you. He won’t be able to say no.
I have worked through some of this with my DH. I am like you in a way. I am the go getter, the direct one, etc. I am well aware that my hubs lacks those qualities but I know he makes up for them in other ways. We balance each other out.
Hugs and best of luck to you!
Post # 10
Are you two committed to making this work? Or was this all a mistake? I ask because I dont believe in soul mates or perfect compatibility or two people destined to be together- only in two people willing to work and compromise and struggle and suffer together and for each other. I don’t think this is something you can be indecisive about, you guys need to make a choice and throw yourselves in to it.
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse
I kind of feel like you already know the answer but feel bad because you haven’t been married long. I felt the same in a past relationship, I was flirty, but never physically did anything. My ex was controlling and never apologized. I was always in the wrong. But when I started flirting , in my heart I knew what my answer was and i wasn’t getting what I needed in my relationship.
Post # 12
@Ruby-Redshoes: Thanks for the suggestion- and you’re not wrong in your assesment, but it’s not quite that extreme. I definitely have gone through a growth of sorts where I now speak up for myself and what I want, instead of always putting him first. Definitely more direct, but I think of that as a great thing! I agree with you. Counseling alone might help me individually, and will hopefully make him want to do some sessions together down the line.
Thanks again for the input 🙂
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@ashgirl3: Make couples counseling an ultimatum. If he truly has forgiven you (which it sounds like he hasn’t) then he needs to let go of past incidents and move on. If he can’t fully forgive you and move on, then you have a serious problem in your relationship. If he refuses then continue with individual counseling until you finally really you have two options: 1) stay with him and be miserable until he decides to forgive you (or not); or 2) leave him and fine someone else who can trust you.
Post # 14
@canadajane: I have the same stance. Two people can either make it work or they can’t, I’m not a huge believer in soul mates- both parties need to go “all in.” I’m committed to making it work, but want to know when to just cut our losses if we’re not going to make each other happy. This is where I’m having a hard time finding the line.
@FutureMrsB123: To answer your question, I kind of do already know. This is what I mean when I say I can feel myself checking out. I think when you get frustrated after long enough, you have to actually make the choice to participate every day. It doesn’t always come easily. Not only do I feel shameful that I didn’t see this coming pre-wedding, but my sister JUST went through a divorce after 1 year…. this is shallow to worry about, but it’s something I just feel guilty over for my parents. I know how embarassed they would be.
Post # 15
I third the recommendation to see a therapist alone to sort through your feelings. Why did you marry your husband? Do you still love him? If not, how long since you’ve actively loved him? If you feel that you are the best version of yourself now, and your husband does not like who that is, then your problems are much bigger than your one indiscretion. It is really hard to experience personal growth within a relationship. I speak from experience. I think that a therapist will help you sort out whether you want to stay in the relationship and put the work that it will require to save it, or if you are just staying out of inertia and because it seems like the right thing to do.
Post # 16
@beachbride1216: Thank you, you’re right. How long is long enough to be punished right? I can continue promising to never make such a dumb mistake again (to him and myself) but he has to be able to move forward with me. Growth in the same direction, right?