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My cousin's baby shower was last weekend. We were out of town so I was unable to make it, but my mother went.
It was spread by word of mouth beforehand by her mother that the parents-to-be didn't want gifts, they wanted money to put towards a really good stroller. At first I was a little "huh" since it's a shower, and I thought the point of those was to play silly games and watch her open gifts, but whatever. I figured I'd take a card with some cash over to her after the shower and be done with it.
My mom called after the shower and said that if I haven't given the money yet, I shouldn't bother. I guess at the shower there were a few people who brought wrapped gifts and she refused to open them, saying something along the lines of "they shouldn't have brought them". Then my mother later heard through the grapevine (I know, I'm taking this bit with a grain of salt) that the mother-to-be was criticizing the amount of money people gave her for gifts. She was expecting to get $50 from each person, but most people were giving $15/$20.
I'm not sure what to do. My mother is saying ingratitude like that shouldn't be further rewarded, and a card is more than enough. I figured I would just give the card and cash anyway ($20), but my husband is also saying we should give it to charity where it would be more appreciated, and just give her the card.
What would you do?
I feel like you should go with your gut. Do you feel that your cousin needs to be taught a lesson? If so, I would send a card with no money. If you want to just contribute and ignore what happened since you weren't there, send a gift card too.
However it goes down, this girl sounds like a very special case.
Requesting cash is rude no matter what the occasion is, and most people do agree. Personally I wouldn't attend or send a card.
I picked "Send card and money" but I have to elaborate. i would put $5 in the card.
Yeah i dont know what to say. Strollers are SUPER expensive, so i think its cool that she just asked for cash to put towards the stroller. My cousin did that as well and bought a super nice safe stroller that she cou;ldnt have afforded otherwise. But to be crtivcal about the amounts and stuff is AWFUL.
Depending on how close you are to this person would determine wether or not I would send a card.
Beyond rude by both the cousin and her mother. I completely agree with your husband and mother to not send them any money, but I wouldn't send them a card either. If you do send anything, an etiquette book will be the better thing, but that could end up getting tossed out so best to not send anything if they are going to be that hostile toward everyone else. It's also highly offensive on the cousin's part to snub the people who sent wrapped gifts instead.
As someone who didn't have a baby shower, I think every baby should be celebrated... even when the mom acts ungratefully. I think you should send a card and a gift of your choosing, whether that be cash or something else.
I agree with Mrs. Spring. A baby shower is so different from a wedding shower. If a bride did this you better believe I would be sending the book to teach her a lesson. But the baby is innocent, and still should be celebrated. I personally would send a gift that would be really useful to mommy and baby rather than feeding into her demands and sending cash.
True that the baby is innocent and should not be punished for the mother's immaturity and hostility. But if she refused to have anything to do with the wrapped gifts at the shower, who is to say she wouldn't toss out anyone else's gift as well if it was not cash as she and her mom demanded? Also, if this is just her behavior at the shower before the child is born, I can only imagine what the child's life will be like growing up with family like this. No gifts for birthdays or Christmas like everyone else since it will have to be a huge wad of cash or nothing at all. No child should be subjected to that type of environment and it is considered child abuse.
I understand that strollers are expensive but so are many other things you need to buy for baby. You're cousin could've registered for some items and put gift cards on the registry. How much is she spending on a stroller anyways?! $50 per person is quite a lot depending on the number of guests attending. If people are giving her cash for the stroller she is then just going to need to head out and buy all of the other things needed for the baby, this makes no sense to me.
I would not send money because it sounds like she will be unhappy with whatever she gets unless you're sending $50 which I don't think you should.
She could have registered for the stupid stroller! Parents and immediate family LOVE pitching in to buy the pricey items on registries. Even though my husband and I are nowhere near ready for kids, and aren't planning on any for a while, my mom has already claimed dibs on buying us a nice crib.
She should have registered for some small, medium and large gifts.
She sounds horribly selfish. I voted card and no money. Card because I'm overly nice, but no money because even though I'm overly nice, this irks me.
I would probably send her a card and gift of your choosing or a gift card. I personally wouldn't send her cash. Though I like the whole etiquette book idea, but it would probably go to waste ;)
I totally agree. In my mind a baby shower is more about making sure the baby has everything they need when they arrive.
And you did hear it through the grapevine then from your mom again. So everyone, just take it with a grain of salt like original poster has. We have no idea in what context the statement was made. It could have been misconstrued.
I would personally still send a card with cash.
Suggesting money to put toward a stroller is one thing, but refusing to open gifts is quite another. I have never personally attended or been invited to a "cash only" baby shower, but have been to many where the parents had registered for a stroller, and several people have gone together to purchase it.
I held a baby shower for a friend of mine a few years back and she criticized everything she opened and has yet to thank anyone for their gifts. In my experience, ungratefulness should not be rewarded. Yet I also agree with Mrs. Spring - every baby should be celebrated (regardless of how awful their parents are)
Therefore, I personally think a card is necessary, but money inside is too much "what she expects" - I say buy a useful gift. Partly to piss her off, and partly because it is actually useful to the baby.
Meh, I think it would be sad if the baby never got another gift because friends and family didn't like the way the mom was acting. realeastcoaster could always give baby essentials (like diapers) if she didn't want to play into the mom's bad attitude.
The answer is obvious because she clearly isn't going to appreciate the gift you were willing to give. And although it is a good point about celebrating the baby, obvioulsy the Mom is preventing people from buying actual gifts (she's probably trying to return the ones she already got) so it's kind of pointless. Buying the etiquette book is a little cheeky, but you can get her a small pocket one and write her a nice note in the card saying how helpful the book was for you, so you're hoping she can get the same benefit and pass the knowledge along to her new child.
@MrsSpring, it's the mom (the OP's cousin) who is ungrateful to anyone who actually purchased and sent a tangible gift, which she refused to open. That is foretelling of how she will treat her own child since she won't accept or acknowledge shower gifts (if she even took them home at all which is highly unlikely), which any other expectant mother would be thrilled to receive. So it's not the extended family and friends who are punishing the child, it's the selfish mother and grandmother by their own actions.
I think the child is, unfortunately, the one who will ended up on the losing end no matter what. Personally, I would just rather make a genuine attempt to give the baby something he/she needs than to hold out on principle. Other people might make a different choice. :)
Your mum's right, you shouldn't be rewarding her for her shitty behaviour. Send her nothing.
@Selene221 - but the mother refusing to open the gifts is just as horrible! It was in her hands to stop it if she wanted to.
Strollers can be expensive, but they don't have to be. There are many options under $140 all over the place. And I'm sorry but if you don't have the money to get a super expensive stroller, and you need to be rude and disrespectful to your friends and family to get one, they you probably aren't mature enough to even be having a child. She needs a slap in the face! People give gifts because they love you and want to celebrate with you, not because you are entitled to get a gift. I would give her just a card if she acted like that at a shower.
For my wedding and for my upcoming baby shower I have been and will be incredibly gracious for anything anyone choses to get us. We did register for a few necessary big-ticket items, like a breast pump for when I can return to work and a car seat, but we are not expecting anything and we certainly would not dictate what kinds of gifts or the value/amount we would accept.
The stupid part about her saying no gifts cash only is she probably would have gotten more from people had they just left it only. For example, I usually go in saying I'm going to spend $30 on a gift and then end up walking out of the store with a $40 gift. If I was told cash only then she'd get only $30.00.
And then not opening gifts in front of everyone is just plain rude! I'm sorry but I can't pass up baby clothes/toys. For all she knows those people could have wrapped a gift card in amongst the tissue paper. Stupid self-ish girl!
Maybe she isnt really pregnant and that why she only wants cash....whats she going to do with baby gifts for no baby!! :)
Holy rude! While it's common for shower hosts to offer guests the opportunity to "buy into" a larger gift, it's never a requirement, and to be so tactless about receiving gifts in general and the amount spent. Ugh! I feel bad for that unborn child!
Forget a card, send a free e-card, that's about all she deserves.
Anonymous etiquette book and a gift for the baby! + some good wishes that it turns out to be nothing like its mother!
Umm you should give the baby a savings bond!! That way the gift goes to the baby and you've still given a gift!!
When I graduated college and was broke, I loved cashing in all of my savings bonds!
@MissBuffalo: I second a savings bond. That way you know for sure the baby gets to use it!!
Uggh, it sounds like she is incredibly rude. I was going to say just send a check but the savings bond is a really good idea!
Ugh, that is SO RUDE. I understand strollers are expensive, but there are much better ways to handle this (at the very least, she *could* register for stuff then return it all for store credit!).
Unless you are very close, in which case, I'd say send the $20 and a card as you originally intended, then just send a card--NOT because she was rude but because you didn't attend the shower. I personally don't give gifts unless I'm close to the parents or I made it to the shower.
@caszos: I also think the savings bond for baby is a good idea - you're still giving a gift, but not to your rude cousin. :)
Savings bond is perfect, unfortunately you won't know the baby's name until it's born. Anyways, your cousin and her mom are bitches. They should be thankful for what they received and ungrateful people like that infuriate me. I voted for the card and etiquette book.
I'm pretty sure you can buy savings bonds and then have the name transfered. Or just wait to send the card and the savings bond until after the baby is born with a "sorry this is late" note inside. The good thing about EE bonds is that they are worth $100 but only cost you $50. Nice way to give a bigger gift for the baby but cost you less money.
I say wait till the baby is born and show up with a gift with all prices and tags removed.
I think I would give them a useful gift like diapers or something. I personally hate Series EE savings bonds because they take something like 12 years to become the face value (maybe more now because the rates are terribly low).
I'd say send a gift, no receipt. Send something basic like a baby monitor, white onesies, hats & socks, etc. Baby stuff is expensive and to be honest if they want some super expensive stroller that they can't afford then how are they going to buy the stuff they actually need?
Also, strollers can be expensive, but they don't have to be... and honestly, most of them regardless of price point are safe. We got our stroller as a generous shower gift from my FMIL, it was around $200, middle of the road.
Ditto on the savings bonds. I was gifted some when I was a baby, and for various other occasions when I was very young. My parents held onto them for me, and I cashed some in when I needed a computer for college and again when I needed money to study abroad. It was absolutely wonderful to have those in reserve when I needed them.
Wow everyone, thanks for all of the responses! @flamingred, I think I laughed the most at yours!
I should have added "just kidding" after the etiquette book option in the poll - it was meant to be a joke; I would never actually do that.
I agree with Miss Spring and others who posted that every baby deserves to be celebrated, and I really like the savings bond idea, MissBuffalo. I'm going to send a card now (no money), and then when the baby's born I'll get a savings bond for him/her.
Thanks again everyone for all of your responses!
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