Weddingbee Boards
It's up to you, but it's worth remembering that your sister is your closest living relative.
Is she your only sister? I would include her. I only have one sister and I can't imagine not asking her to be in the wedding.
I don't think it's important that the people in your wedding party share the same "values" as you. I currently have two bridesmaids who party all weekend and play with boys like toys ;o) They're still my friends though.
When I chose mine, I thought of the people that I would need around me that day. I know that I'll need people to maybe talk me through some freak out moments or a possible Bridezilla tantrum. So, I chose the girls who know me very well and can handle everything.
That being said, I don't have a sister. If it were me, I'd feel the same pressure you're feeling, but I'd be on the fence for the same reasons you are. In the end, sometimes, you gotta take one for the team, you know. Your two girls you've already chosen will be your rock for you that day and the helpers that you share those ideals with. And your sister will be the default person that makes her happy, eases your mom's stress and leaves you...smelling like a rose.
Would it actually hurt to include her or will it ruin your day or is not including her more about making a statement about the state of your relationship (cause that is effectively what you are doing)?
Oh, I SO get you on this.
One of the first things my Mom said to me when we told her about our engagement was "please, please, PLEASE, for the sake of my sanity, include both of your sisters". One is a BM (we actually get along pretty well) and one is doing a reading (we don't get along as well). Now Sister Doing the Reading really wants me to include all of her kids and has hinted to them that they may be. Sigh. But then I had to put my foot down on a few people Mom wanted me to invite. Oh yes, these matters are complicated.
For me, it was a matter of asking myself what avoiding family drama is worth and then weighing it against what I want for the wedding.
I'd say ask her to what capacity she'd be interested in participating in your wedding, and then help her pick a duty that best suits her. That way, the ball is in her court and you don't have to worry about the awkwardness anymore.
Oh man, I understand you on this one. My brother and I don't get along at ALL, but he'll still be in the wedding party because it's the proper thing to do, as much as I hate it. Not giving you her guest list because she worked too hard on it? REALLY? I would have had Mom step in at that point, because that's just ridiculous. She's still your sister, though, and I think years down the road you might regreat a) not having her there b) the drama it will cause by NOT having her in it.
Just to be clear, on values/ideals ... one of the things she said was that she "hasn't cheated since she got the ring." Cheating is one of the worst things, in my book... and to be so proud of herself?! Blows my mind.
And thanks for all the suggestions, ladies. I am still on the fence, but I hear you. I will continue to contemplate it.
No one said anything about the usher idea though... is it lame or okay?
Thanks again!
You say you don't get along that great now....but whether or not you include her can set the tone for your relationship for the rest of your lives. I'm thinking that if she includes you, but you don't her, the relationship you have may never have a chance to be a good one.
To answer some of the questions:
I'm not sure if she will ruin things for me. I think that's what's scaring me the most.
It's not really about making a statement, as much as it is just wanting to surround myself with supportive loving people.
And as far as not getting along great right now, I have to say that I don't believe that will ever change. :-/
At this point, I think the tension caused by not having her will far outdo the tension of having her in the wedding.
Maybe it's not an ideal situation, and I don't think you should do it because "it's the right thing" or even, purely, to avoid conflict.
Basically, you're right, it is a Catch 22. From my perspective, the lesser of the two evils is to ask her to stand, and hope she isn't as bad as you think she could potentially be. It was my experience that the BM's I had who had been in weddings before were more helpful than those who hadn't been...and I'm sure someone who's already been married is more likely to be helpful because she'll remember what it was like.
I'm sorry you're in such a sticky situation!
I guess my point is that you can still surround yourself with loving supportive people and make her a bridesmaid. You could just give her the title.
Have your other bridesmaids be there for you the way you want and don't really ask your sister to do anything other than walk down the aisle a few moments before you. Ultimately, she will be at your shower and at your wedding regardless. The only difference is that you get to pick what she is gonna wear.
What will make for a better day in the end? Opting not to have your sister stand there next to you during the ceremony but having her and your mother be really upset or having her stand there for 30 minutes and keeping the peace?
Honestly, is it really worth creating all sorts of family drama over?? I think you may just need to bite the bullet and ask her. She is your sister through thick and thin, whether or not you want her to be,
if you ask her to be one, then make sure your other BMs are willing to run interference FOR YOU, so you don't have to increase family drama...also, what's up with her not sharing her list?!?! that needs to be resolved, cuckoo!
Well you might want to have a heart to heart with her. Let her know how disappointed you are that she couldn't share her address info with you. (That's ridiculous. Does she have some "even Steven" issues or something? Goodness I had a cousin who got married after me ask me for my info. I gave it without thinking... And I can't stand that cousin.) And tell her what makes you hesitant. Hopefully you can work things out adn feel better about asking her.
I can understand you don't approve of some of the choices she makes. But if you don't think she'll cause drama for your wedding, it sounds like your'e using the Bm issue to make a statement, or punish her etc. (I know you said that's not the case. Just how it looks.)
Drama is what I want to avoid at all costs, and assumed exclusion was my best bet. As much as I don't want it to appear as a statement, that would be how others take it.
You guys are right. I am going to have a heart to heart and at least address some of the things on my mind. I do want to do the right thing. And ultimately, I do just want her to act more like a friend and less like a poop... and sucking it up and asking her to be a BM would really help things head in that direction, I suppose.
Thanks again, all! Hopefully my next post will be more cheerful and less frantic. 
I caved to family pressure and made my sister my MOH. I regret that decision for many different reasons. So, what I am saying here is- even though family will exert pressure about this and you want your mom to be happy and not furious with you- I think you should stick to your first instinct and don't make her a BM. Ask her to do a reading or give a speech.
Final update:
I asked her to be a BM last night, without any other conditionals regarding my feelings or about her being a better friend. Her eyes lit up, and she seemed genuinely excited to be included. My mom, nana, and dad are thrilled.
So... I guess we'll just take it as it comes, and see how it goes. Wish me luck!!!
I think she ought to be included as a BM. I hate to say it, but family drama should be avoided, because if you don't include her than random people in your family may get mad at you (it happened to a cousin of mine....). Like your aunt or something, and it's better just to not deal with that. I would definitely explain the situation to your MOH and other BM and hopefully they will "handle" your sister if she gets out of line at your wedding.
shes your sister, bottom line, shes blood and that trumps everything else especially if shes your ONLY sister. it wont hurt to have her as a BM - you have the rest of your BM to pick up the slack and be your true team bride. IMHO....
You need to create a pro/con list of having her in your wedding. That is always what I do. Seeing this information side-by-side will help you make your decision. Sometimes after I make a pro con list I wonder what the delima was in the first place b/c it is so clear to me! I hope this helps
Good luck
I think you made the right decision by asking her to be one of your bridesmaids. I know you guys don't get along very well at all but she is your sister and I think it is very nice of you to include her and make your family happy. You don't have to give her anything to do, just have her in the wedding. As far as the usher thing, I'm glad you didn't ask her to be an usher. I don't think that would have gone over that well. One of my very good friends asked me to be an usher in her wedding and I'm still a little hurt about it (even though I know I shouldn't be). But it was kinda like she just forgot about me and made me an usher.
Thanks guys, like I think I said... her eyes lit up when I asked, and over the last week she has made a very honest effort in being extra nice, thoughtful, and helpful.
I even made my first trip to try on dresses with her and my mom, and it was very nice.
I think I was originally overwhelmed with decision making and hanging on to that grudge. But I'm over it now and am more concerned with keeping the peace, and especially making it a happy fun experience for everyone.
I'd ask her to do a reading. Word it really sweetly.
I wouldn't make her a bridesmaid, imo. I kinda think thats just asking for more drama.
I'm really happy it's working out and she at least seems like she's making an effort to be good to you. Thanks for the update and Good luck!
I am a little late but I am glad that you asked her. I think that unless she's a really toxic person or would ruin your wedding, it's a good idea to include your own sister. After all, she is family. :) I hope she won't disappoint or cause drama for you and will be supportive of you.
GL!!!
I'm glad that it worked out for you - as I was reading through the thread before posting, I was hoping it would work out that way. I can't imagine not having my sister standing up with me at my wedding, and I know it would have hurt my parents' feelings terribly. I'm very lucky I was never in your situation and having to make that call.
i'm late on this too, but i think asking was the right thing. sort of similarly, my fi's sister is...a huge drama queen. really narcissistic. really volatile. exactly not the kind of person i want to have around on my wedding day. but, she's my fsil. and i knew i wanted to have my brother and his wife as part of the bridal party, so if i didn't ask her, it'd create more drama than the drama risk of her going off on some issue on the wedding day. plus, my moh and other bms can do damage control and keep her crazy away from me if need be. haha. so yes, i agree that keeping the family peace is worth the risk!
Congratulations. I think in the long run, that was the best thing to do. I hope things stay good between the two of you throughout the process. 
I'm glad you chose what worked best for you. However, FWIW, I'm not planning on even inviting my oldest sister to my wedding, and my middle sister didn't invite her when she got married, either. Whatever you do has to be based on your specific situation, and not what "family" means to anyone else. In my case, my friends are the family I've chosen, and they're the ones with positions of honor at my wedding.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| KMSull | 59 |
| RecessionistaBride | 51 |
| crebre80 | 51 |
| MissAsB | 34 |
| honeybun | 24 |
| daydreamwanderer | 23 |
| arizonabride | 22 |
| Irishker03 | 18 |
| cinemaparadiso | 15 |
| MyraG | 15 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ddubzz | 1 |
| waitingbee | 1 |
Let me start by saying... I've already chosen my MoH and a BM (a couple of really awesome close friends).
My sis who has me as a BM in her wedding, has started asking my fam about when I am going to ask her to be one of mine... she has not approached me with the question yet.
It's awful that I'm not sure I want to include her. For starters, we don't really get along... we never hang out, and the only time she calls is when she needs to kill a few minutes between where she is and where she's going. We barely even email.
She's been sort of okay lately, but there's a lingering sting from some things she'd said behind my back. One example: she said "no" when I asked for her guest list since we'd be inviting the same family members (her reason was that she worked "too hard on it to just give it to someone else").
Petty things like that aside, we just don't see eye-to-eye on what marriage is really about (love, FI, fun, LOVE vs money, gifts, rings, shinies, money).
So, I don't think asking her to do a reading is the right way to include her. To be honest, I don't even think she wants to be "my bridesmaid" as much as she just likes the idea of weddings.
My mom has already expressed potential FURY if I make the "wrong" decision... which leaves me torn, upset, and disappointed. This was supposed to be fun, and being a BM is a privledge, not a right... right?!
I thought maybe I could make her an usher... but I don't know if that'll hurt her more than just saying "no, sorry." Why do I care if she's such a bum, you ask?
I fear hurting my mom's feelings and the wrath that it will bring.
Ya know, I do wish we were close so there was no question what to do here. Is it wrong, or self righteous, of me to only want those that share the same ideals and loving values as I do in our bridal party?
What would you do?