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So I'm your opposite - I'm Lutheran marrying a Catholic. We are having a Catholic ceremony (no mass). Our church didn't give the option of mass b/c I'm not Catholic but I didn't want it anyway. I personally prefer no mass b/c I feel left out of communion. I take it in my church and I wouldn't want to be prohibited from taking it at my wedding. Plus it would annoy my fam even more than it already does that I'm not getting married in a Lutheran church. Just my 2 cents. It sounds like your fiance doesn't mind so if it means alot to you - do it.
I am episcopalian and FI is catholic. Whenever we go to a catholic wedding or service he doesn't take communion out of respect for me since I can't take it in the catholic church. Something to think about when considering whether to do a mass, especially since his family will probably not be able to take it as well.
I too am a Catholic marrying a Lutheran and had these same concerns when initially planning our ceremony. I wanted a full mass for something as significant as my wedding but felt weird leaving my husband out of something when he's just as important, not to mention the lack of unity for a tradition meant to unify...
I also always wanted to get married outside which is a big no-no in the Catholic church; however I was able to solve all my problems at once. We found a priest willing to marry us outside AND willing to give communion to anyone that wants it (sounds takcy but is legit: http://www.rentapriest.com/). He's no longer practicing (got married - to a nun no less!) but by cannon law, once a priest, always a priest, and according to my regular NYC church priest, my marriage will still be accepted by the Catholic church. The main communion problem is the whole transubstantiation/consubstantiation thing, but our priest is willing to give Eucharist to anyone and let decide for themselves what it is and when it becomes it etc.
I realize it's a situation and solution that may not work for everyone, but since neither of us is planning to convert, becoming less rigid and more accepting and accomodating of each other's religion has been a major part of our relationship. This plan will allow me the Catholic mass I desire and still maintain a sense of unity and doing everything together. And I can get married lakeside;)
I think if it's important for you to have a full mass, then you should do it. I'm having a cermony only even though we're both Catholic - having the full mass was not a huge deal for me and to be honest, I was hoping the ceremony would be a lot shorter without it - it's not!! There will always be people at the wedding that won't be able to participate in Communion (and some of them Catholic) but can still receive a blessing. So if this is something that is very meaninful to you to do and something your FI supports and respects, I say do the mass. :)
twaila - I would contact your diocese for clarification and checking on the validation. There ARE instances where priests can no longer confer Sacraments, and if he's left the priesthood and gotten married, chances are this is the case. I STRONGLY would advise you to contact your diocese marriage director.
Another concern I would have is that you would offend Catholic guests. I myself would be incredibly offended if the eucharist was just given to anyone who wanted it. The church has guideline and rules for a reason... Now, if you are doing a "protestant blessing" communion service and not having the transubstantiated Eucharist is one thing, but.. really... you need to seek better clarification from your diocese. Plus, the diocese is supposed to give dispensation for an outdoor wedding. It IS possible to have one but this is one of those "if it sounds to good to be true" things. If you think it sounds tacky, what are your Catholic guests going to think? I wouldn't want people to be thinking "tacky" or "sacrilegious" during my wedding.
For the OP - it sounds like your FI is open to it, and if it's important to you than I say do it. Like Fancygirl said, even some Catholics at your wedding won't be in proper standing to receive. If speaking with your FI he's OK with it, and it's really important to you, do it. Besides, my Lutheran friend is closer to being Catholic than some of my Catholic friends :-) She's totally cool with it and if she was a boy and we were getting married I know she'd be game.. lol.
eta: I just checked the website and it says on there that the marriage "will not be “officially” recognized by the Catholic Church." There are a lot of other red flags on there of things that are schismatic and not in line with the teaching of the church, including the eucharist part.
If it's important to you and your FI supports your religion, go ahead and do it. My brother's wife is catholic and they did the full mass. Our side of the family basically just sat there, but it was really important to her and that's what we support.
"is it selfish of me to include a tradition in our ceremony that my own new husband can't participate in with me?"
-No this is not selfish. In life we need to keep our priorities in the following order...
1) GOD
2) Spouse
3) Kids
4) Extended Family
5) Job
6) Self
To receive GOD via the Eucharist is a beautiful thing. If you you keep GOD first in your life, He will always keep you first as well (via blessings). After all, GOD brought you two together... Why not receive HIM on your most special day.
GOD BLESS...
I REALLY wanted to have a full Mass but my priest said that he didn't recommend that we do that since my fiance would not be able to receive communion. He felt that after uniting us in marriage, we shouldn't include something in the ceremony that doesn't show us fully unified.
My fiance's only having 8 family members come to our ceremony so them
My fiance also wanted to have a Presbyterian co-officiant and he wouldn't have been able to do if we had a full Mass so we've opted for the simple ceremony.
The priest said that we could do a Mass in honor of our marriage sometime before the wedding or after the honeymoon which I thought was nice.
I am a catholic and DH is a lutheran.
Reasons we went without eucharist
-DH didn't want a long service
-I didn't want the confusion of only allowing catholics to receive communion. Everyone could have gone up and everyone who was not a catholic could just be blessed
-My mom really tried to pressure me to having anyway but I didn't tell her this.. but I told my sisters (who aren't strict catholics either) that if people want communion... all they have to do is wait til tomorrow (sunday) to have communion. (hope I didn't offend anyone... sorry if I did)
-DH at his Lutheran church always got communion... but it feels weird that when he's in my church he can't. I understand why the catholic do this but I just don't want him to feel left out of something he is used to get at his church. Plus, it is our ceremony... not my ceremony.
-Having communion for me wasn't something I really wanted so it wasn't a big deal for me not to have it.
Similar situation. I am Catholic, my fiance is Presbyterian. We have the option of a full mass and I think that is what we are doing. We are going to see if his pastor can participate in the ceremony, even if it is just to read the Old Testament reading and New Testament reading. It is very important to me and my family to have the full mass. Even though my fiance will not be participating in communion, he knows how important my religion is to me and my family and supports the full Catholic mass. It might help that his father is Catholic too so his entire family except for his immediate family will participate in the Eucharist too. I do feel a little uncomfortable about my fiance not being able to take communion, but he knows how important it is to me to have the sacrament at our wedding.
I am Catholic and my FI is non-denominational Christian. Like you, I haven't been the best practicing Catholic since I went away to college, but I still believe in the catholic traditions. It was important for me to get married at my childhood church and my FI supported me fully in this. We decided to go with the half mass for many of the reasons listed above. A full mass wasn't particularly important to me as I am more focused on the vows and uniting aspect of the ceremony.
I was also persuaded towards the half mass after attending a friend's wedding this past summer. She was catholic marrying a non-catholic and had the full mass. Her priest tried to explain to whole sit/stand/kneel concept and invited everyone to do what they were comfortable doing. As soon as he said this, all the non-catholics sat down, while the catholics remained standing. It was so awkward! The whole groom's side was sitting along with several on the bride's family. After the ceremony, I spoke with my FI and another friend (both non-catholic) and they agreed that they were confused about what to do and felt very uncomfortable.
Ultimately, I think you should do what you want to do. It is your wedding after all! But I think you should consider how your family/FI's family/guests will feel. I know a wedding is all about the couple getting married, but I want my guests to be comfortable and enjoy themselves too!
I think it is perfectly fine to have a full mass. Catholic churches know how to invite everyone up to the altar and how to appropriately word that non-Catholics can receive a blessing instead. I don't think you should have to give up your beliefs because half the people there are non-Catholic.
Thanks for all the input everyone. I still am not sure what we're going to do - I need to talk it over one more time with my guy - but this has made me feel petter about the prospect of deciding to do a mass, if thats what we choose. There are obviously pros and cons to both sides, so I think we need to sit down and look over the structure of each type of ceremony and decide what we are most comfortable with. It is helpful to know that some in my situation do opt for the mass, and its at least acceptable, despite being a little uncomfortable for some.
FI and I are both Catholic, but most of his family is Methodist. We didn't want to create a situation where only my side of the church got up for communion and no one from his side did. But, it was important to us to receive the body of Christ, so we figured out a way for us to receive communion together in the morning, and then just do the liturgy of the word for our wedding ceremony. Good luck with the decision!
@KLP2010 a little late but I just noticed your reply! Thanks for the heads up, but we've already gone over EVERYTHING with my local church (I live in NYC) and worked with my priest who is also head of interfaith at manhattan college since we were originally going to get married in my childhood church back in PA. It's my wedding - trust me I did my homework (on both ends) ;)
Oh - and I don't really care if someone things my wedding is "tacky" as long as I don't (I may be unique in this stance). And while I certainly don't strive to offend anyway, it's inevitable that someone would be bothered by some aspect of anyone's wedding. If we had a traditional Catholic mass, FI has already said certain members of his Lutheran family would be offended and may "act out". It is what it is, and we can only hope that while they may not agree, they respect our choices.
I'm actually the opposite - I'm Baptist and he's Catholic. Getting married in a Catholic church and having a mass is really important to my FI so I agreed to it as long as I could have a Protestant minister there to represent me and my religious beliefs. I know a Protestant minister can't really have any role in officiating the ceremony through the vows for example, but I think he can do some of the readings in the mass.
And I'm secretly hoping that since I can't receive communion in the Catholic church, my minister would be able to give me and the Protestant side of my family Protestant communion while my FI and all of our other Catholic guests can recieve Catholic communion. Idk if this is possible, but for us I feel like it would be nice so I'm represented in the ceremony while my FI's wishes for a mass are being respected as well.
I just stumbled on this quote and thought I'd share it here:
"Receive communion not only for yourself, in order to have this immense grace, but for him, in order to respond to his desire to come down into you, to give him the joy of descending into your heart, which is a heaven for him."- I Believe In Love, St. Therese of Lisieux
Personally, if both are Catholic, I can't imagine NOT receiving communion as it's about OUR union and not whether our guests are going to be bored with a full mass. It's about us coming together in a Sacramental Marriage, becoming one THROUGH Christ and imitating his love for his church, his bride.
FI and I had to give a Priest friend a ride this weekend and we actually brought this up. HE will 1) Not perform the wedding for 2 Catholics unless they have a full mass. 2) Will not perform a full mass if not both are Catholic.
About no. 1) like I said, If BOTH are Catholic, than his wish is for the full grace of the Sacrament, and if we profess and believe in the faith, then there is no reason good enough to leave Jesus out of it.
About No. 2) It is a Sacramental union and if both cannot participate then as painful as it is, He will not do something NOT unitive during a unitive act.
I am marrying a Catholic and although I am converting before the wedding, we are opting not to have a full mass because only half of our guests are Catholic and I would hate for relatives who are devout Anglicans not to be able to take communion when they would in their own church.
To me the wedding service is about unity and I don't want half of the guests excluded from something.
That said, the service is the thing you will remember over everything so go with what makes YOU and your FI happy x
I'm a Catholic bride marrying a Lutheran as well, but we opted to do the ceremony on neutral ground with a Lutheran Pastor who's a family friend. But I think if we did it in the Catholic church we would do a full mass. IMHO.
Our priest gave us the option to do a full mass but suggested that not. He said that it's a weird situation when your first act as husband and wife is something that one person cannot participate in.
I would advise against a full mass. You can ask a priest to say mass separately in private (like in the morning of; before you get ready or something). Or just have mass the day b4 or aftewards.
It's not whether you're selfish but how it would come off to people who don't understand the theology behind it (e.g. non-Catholics guests). Although it's an option and some people do it. It just comes off wrong as matrimony is suppose to be a sign of unity (as it also is w/ the Eucharist, how ironic), while not everybody can participate in that. It just goes against the intent of unity.
We don't have everything set yet, but we are planning to have a full mass. I am Catholic and FI is not, but he attends mass with me regularly and has talked about converting (although not before the wedding).
For me I just need it to be a mass. I can't explain it, I just do. FI attends regularly and most of his family is Catholic, except for his parents so I don't think it will be all that confusing. I know his grandma will be thrilled.
I am going to ask if they can explain that only currently practicing catholics can receive communion because it is a renewal of a Catholic's belief in the church, as I know FI's co-worker always goes up for communion at Catholic weddings and funerals despite being lutheran. Her logic is that she is a eucharistic minister in the lutheran church so she can receive communion?!
I guess I don't see it as excluding them, they do not believe in the host, so why would they want to receive it?
Our parish told us that the only difference between the ceremony with and without mass is communion. If your husband can't participate, I think it's something that you shouldn't do. The ceremony is about you two together, and it's important that you're both able to participate in all aspects. My fiance is Catholic and I'm non-denominational Christian, we're having a non-mass ceremony will all parts of a mass ceremony (minus communion). Also- it'd be hard for your guests who wouldn't really understand and might feel a little left out from the experience (my family in our case).
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Hey Catholic brides -
I'm catholic and I'm marrying a lutheran protestant. My mother is catholic and my father is methodist, but they raised me in the catholic church. According to my priest, in my church we are allowed to either just do a ceremony, or do a full mass, even though my fiance is not Catholic (he just won't be able to take communion....nor will his whole side of the family, or my non-catholic family members on my father's side.)
Because we have the option, I originally wanted to go with the mass because it is something that is really meaningful for me. My fiance supports me in this if it is what I want, and we know that my priest will be good about explaining what is going on and inviting the protestants up during the eucharist to receive a blessing. However, I'm starting to have second thoughts - is it selfish of me to include a tradition in our ceremony that my own new husband can't participate in with me? If you're a catholic bride marrying a non-catholic, what do you plan to do?