Post # 1
This may be long and ramble for a bit…
I need some help bees. I’ve posted before about my waiting situation. WELL, its 8 months later now since the first “you can look at rings” and another 3 since he said he wanted to look together. I’m starting to feel like I’m just being fed a bunch of bs. That he doesn’t want to go further. That he’s too comfortable with our living together and ‘practically married’ status. That everything is all about him and his needs. Granted I can only paint a fuzzy picture of our relationship through the internet and when I post its generally something negative about how things are. Things aren’t always negative like they seem at all but I want forward movement. I need it.
So the problem is this- (again, as posted before) I don’t like my job. I desperately want to find something different. But I don’t know what city to look in and am afraid that I might find something and he won’t come with me. I said I’d wait for him to find something in our desired city (an hour away) but that hasn’t been fruitful for nearly a year. Now he’s thinking about staying at his current company because of a raise and bonus he recently got. If that’s the case, I’m fine looking for another job where we’re at. But if and when I do get one, I know that will be when he finds a new job an hour away. I can’t quit something so quickly in this economy. On top of that, if I landed my dream job and it was in some city he didn’t like for some dumb reason, he would not go with me.
I just need some help figuring out where to go and what to do. I don’t know if I’m wasting my time on a guy I love dearly, tells me he wants to marry me, wants to look at rings but then turns around saying things like “I move slow with everything” and “I’ll propose when I’m ready.” I really believe my dissatisfaction with work is affecting my relationship. I’m upset with myself for ever asking him to move in some days. I don’t understand how he can say something about how he never wants me to leave him yet does nothing concrete to make sure I stay. I sometimes feel like I’m hurting my career potential by waiting with no end in sight. I need a new job and I can’t just keep sitting here with potential openings getting filled and no sense of direction from him. Talking to him would make sense but he doesn’t know either and then says I’m nagging him…
I need your advice, help, hugs, prayers…whatever you’ve got because all I want to do is cry over my confusion.
Post # 3
You have obviously spoken about marriage. Have you been able to get a timeline, even if vague?
About the job, I would apply, anywhere you can and want too, even if it means to a place your Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t like. It could be a very positive and negative thing, should it happen that he doesn’t want to come. Example, you won’t be wasting your time who cannot give the same back to you. But if he will come, it will show his level of committment towards your relationship and life together.
Post # 4
@flowersandfaerydust: Nope. Just that in October when he officially moved in it was well in a year if we aren’t engaged you’re going to have to move out. Once when he brought up his “I’m not ready” nonsense after looking at rings together, I said if he seriously feels that way that maybe he should move out until he feels more comfortable with it. Then it was ‘well if that happens its just going to make things worse’…. Argh. His SIL my (apparently exbestfriend since we haven’t talked to each other since her wedding 2.5 months ago) had said it was definitely going to happen before my deadline and to hang on. If it is and he’s going to, then why the hell does he say things like that?
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Look for a job that will make you happy without worrying about his job prospects. If you find a job that will make you happier, increase your earning potential, improve your advancement potential, provide professional fulfillment, etc., then take it. You have to look out for yourself because no one else is going to look out for you. If the time comes to pass and you are ready to move, he’ll have to (and please pardon my french) “Sh*t or get off the pot.” He can only string you along if you allow him to, so don’t allow him to. Do what you need to do to make your life better. He’ll either be your cheerleader and partner (great) or he will hold you back and weigh you down (time to move on). Either way you will be living your life on your terms and taking your future into your own hands.
Post # 6
If you don’t have a ring on your finger, apply to your dream jobs, wherever they may be, and don’t worry about him or let the relationship hold you back. You’re right, you might be hurting your career potential for no good reason. Even if you did have a ring on your finger, I’d encourage you to apply to your dream jobs, although I’d say it might be a bit more complicated since you’d have a life partner that you absolutely had to take into consideration. But right now, truly, the only person you are responsible to and for is yourself, and if you aren’t happy at your job, go find another one. If your Boyfriend or Best Friend sees that it is a wonderful opportunity for you and yet still won’t consider moving with you, it might be the insight you need to rethink the relationship. Don’t put your life on hold waiting around for him to make a decision. You’ll only regret it in the end. And probably resent him, too.
Post # 7
@jpalm13: You’re allowing him to have too much control in this situation. This is your life, too, and his decisions affect your life the same way yours affect his.
It does sound as though he may want to marry you in the future but isn’t ready right now. He has every right to not be ready. But you also have the right to a more specific timeline than he’s given you.
I agree with the PP’s that you need to take charge of this situation and get your career on the track you want it to be on.
If he won’t decide, you need to realize that is the decision.
Post # 8
You need to live your life. You are allowing his indecision to now creep into your career, not just your relationship. Look for that dream job – if he isn’t supportive or willing to go with you, then I think you have your answer on his intentions. If he is the man who will be your husband then you guys will work through it together, as a team.
I think he is saying and doing just enough to keep you around, and he probably knows that. Honeslty, you need to take control of your life back.
Post # 9
@AnAppleA_Day: This, exactly.
Apply for your dream jobs – no matter where they may be. Maybe getting an offer from a job in a different city will help light the fire underneath him, anyways? I’m all for giving your man space and the time he needs to decide about marriage – but there reaches a point in every relationship that enough is enough. My ex and I had been togther for 5 years and he kept hemming and hawing about getting married. I finally gave him the boot (for this reason among many others…). I am so happy I did – I met a man who only needed 2.5 years to decide he wanted to make me his wife!!
Post # 10
You guys are right. Because of his job licenses, he can only work in this state. Do you guys feel its ok for me to keep myself in our current state for the time being?
Post # 11
Be strong, you have one life to live, good luck!
Post # 12
@jpalm13: I think you need to find a new job. Nothing drags you down like spending 40 hours a week at a place you can’t stand, doing a job you like even less. I totally understand how a crappy job can seep into your personal life. I don’t think it’s fair for you to put your career on the back burner because of your SO. If you get a new job in a different city and you have to move, so be it. It might be good for him to have to fight a little to stay with you.
Post # 13
@jpalm13: It’s OK to apply to some jobs in your state as long as they’re jobs that you really want and you’re not limiting yourself to them because you are afraid of what will happen with your relationship if you decide to move. In a relationship where people prioritize each other’s happiness, there will always be a way to make it work. There are compromises and sacrifices, on both sides. You shouldn’t be the only one willing to compromise and sacrifice. If there are jobs in your state that you would love to have apply to those, but apply to some out-of-state, as well, if they’re available and they fit into your visions for your career. Don’t limit yourself because of your relationship. And don’t allow him to limit you by telling you he won’t consider moving for you.
Post # 14
He isn’t your husband. Stop letting him dictate your decisions as though he is. He’s obviously looking out for Number 1 here, in that he wants to call all the shots and make all this about him. It’s time for you to start doing the same.
Look for a job where you want to, doing what you want to do. Why should you continue committing to him (by sticking around in a situation that’s bad for you) when he refuses to commit to you?
If you get the job in the city he hates, and you take it, I think you will know very quickly where you stand. If he wants to be with you, he won’t let anything short of grievous bodily harm or death stop him. If he doesn’t, you’ll have a fresh start in a new city that I am sure is full of eligible, single men just looking for someone like you.
Post # 15
I was unhappy with my job last year and my SO-at-the-time encouraged me to find a new one. When I had the opportunity to take a new job that would be really, really good for my career, he encouraged me to do it. We were talking about getting engaged at the same time, and for a while we did the long-distance thing.
We ended up breaking up earlier this year, but that’s a good thing. We don’t talk/aren’t friends anymore, but I honestly believe we would have broken up no matter what. So I would rather be in the new place with this job that’s better for my career than in the old place with the job I hated.
Turns out I started dating the love of my life shortly after the relationship with my ex ended, and he’s *crazy* about me, *wants* to get married, *wants* to talk about rings and meeting the parents, etc. He’s everything I ever wanted in a man and more. So. Even though it wasn’t easy to move halfway across the country by myself, and even though it wasn’t easy to do a long distance relationship with someone who didn’t really want to be with me for the rest of his life, it was worth it.
Post # 16
@EffieTrinket: “He isn’t your husband. Stop letting him dictate your decisions as though he is.”
This is what I was trying to say, but you did it much more succinctly.