- 5 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
FI have been together for 6.5 years, and engaged for all but 9 months of that.
Everyone got along great for about the first 6 months. After that, chinks started appearing, and I mainly put it down to me being an only child and being very close to my parents. My mum especially started voicing her concerns that FI was wrong for me, he’s a deadbeat, I’m making a mistake, etc, etc. From what I remember (it was 6 years ago, ha) FI asked both my parents for their permission to marry me and both said yes. The morning after the proposal my mum grabbed my hand, looked at the ring, said a flat “congratulations” and then dropped my hand. Things only escalated from there.
After 3 years of living with my parents, we finally got our own place, and things improved when everyone got some space, with rants from my mum few and far between. I should point out that FI also strongly dislikes my mother – I think moreso because she is a very upfront person and will not sugarcoat anything.
Lately FI and I have been having some issues, he is in a lot of debt and then had a car accident while uninsured. Most of his debt I figured out was from gambling, and he has admitted to me that yes, he has a gambling problem and needs my help for him get past it. He’s also decided to declare bankruptcy as the cost of the accident doubled his existing debt which he was already drowning under.
About a month ago I was in a really bad place emotionally and confided in my mum like I always have. My work contract ends next month, so on top of FI’s money issues I’ve been worrying about keeping myself employed and keeping both our heads above water. I was so distraught and was at the point of wondering whether or not I should leave, despite not wanting to. My mum surprised me by saying not to make any rash decisions and to see where things went. At that point FI was unsure about filing for bankruptcy so I didn’t know where our future was headed.
Well, the next time we visit my parents, my mum flies into a rage, getting up in FI’s face and screaming at him that he’s a deadbeat, useless, can’t support me, the usual stuff. She then goes on to yell at him that I had been thinking about leaving him and she told me not to – exactly what I told her in confidence. She didn’t even give FI a chance to explain that he’s finally acknowledged his mistakes and is working towards fixing them, including filing for bankruptcy, which was a last resort. We left immediately after the argument, and sat at home together, crying, having a serious discussion about whether or not to call the whole thing off.
FI and I have come though the other side, and are working together harder than ever to get our lives back on track – FI fully admits that the reason we aren’t married, in our own home, with kids after all this time is because of his actions. We’re sticking it out… we love each other and have been through more than most couples our age I know (24 & 31) with quite a few family deaths, job losses, etc.
I think the most upsetting thing for me is that I’ve always been able to talk to my mum about ANYTHING, and now I feel like I can’t. There’s basically no point talking to her about my relationship anymore. It’s always negative. From “I’m going to wear black to your wedding because I don’t support it” to just last week, when she said “it’s not going to be a case of if your marriage fails, it’s going to be WHEN, and it’s going to be so hard not to say I told you so, and your father and I are going to have to step in and help you with any kids you have, because I don’t see HIM doing it.” She’s also refused to say FI’s name since the argument, like he doesn’t exist if she doesn’t acknowledge him. I know she thinks I’m making a mistake, but if I am, then it’s MY mistake to make, and I wish she could just support me.
FI is not innocent either, he makes thinly veiled jokes and snide comments. I let rip the other day and said I was over this crap from both sides and it’s physically making me ill.
I’m just well and truly sick of being caught in the middle. I know they’re never going to be the best of friends, and it would be stupid of me to hope for that, but I would have liked to think that their love for me would outweigh whatever ill will they have towards each other. Neither of them will even approach the other and say “look, the only one we’re hurting behaving like this is her, let’s just be civil for her sake.”
Sorry for the super long post… It’s been building up for a few years…