(Closed) Caught between FI and my parents

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s not *your* job to help a 31 year old man get over his gambling problem. He needs to be in a support group like gambler’s anonymous, and he needs to be working on it *himself* not putting the burden on you. 

I can see why your parents are not big fans of this man. He’s basically a load on your back that you’re carrying. Who in their right mind wants that for their kid? (I don’t know why your mother told you not to leave. That baffles me, because if I knew someone in a similar situation and she confided in me that she was about to leave, I’d be like, “Yes! Go!”)

You’ve spent six years of your life with this man, and at this point all you have to look forward to is financial uncertainty (if not outright ruin). You’re fed up to the point where you’re considering leaving. If my math is right, you met this guy when you were 18, and now you’re 24. You must’ve changed so much since then. It really doesn’t matter what your mom thinks; she doesn’t have to live with the decision. You do.

 

Post # 4
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’m just well and truly sick of being caught in the middle. I know they’re never going to be the best of friends, and it would be stupid of me to hope for that, but I would have liked to think that their love for me would outweigh whatever ill will they have towards each other. Neither of them will even approach the other and say “look, the only one we’re hurting behaving like this is her, let’s just be civil for her sake.”


Get them together, assert yourself and let rip. Tell them ALL in front of each other how this is ruining your relationship with each of them.  Tell your FI you do not appreciate the snide comments, tell your mother that you now are unable to speak to her in confidence because she finds having a one-up on FI so much more important than keeping your confidence.  I would think it’s best you find a friend to confide in instead of your mother, especially as you are aware of this hatred she has for FI.

Post # 5
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

In general, a person in a committed relationship should not be sharing the details of their relationships with parents. A relationship should be between two people. Sometimes a trusted friend can offer insight, but never a parent. The parent wants what’s best for their child and will always, on some level, feel that a parent knows better than a child. You should never ever ever confide in someone (your mom) who doesn’t like the other person (your FI).

Another problem- it’s normal for your mom to scream at you/your FI? That needs to stop right now. Would you let a friend trash talk your FI without saying something? Why do you let your mom? My FI’s mother used to say negative things about me. He told her that, when she said negative things, the conversation was over and he would leave or hang up. Being married means that you always stand up for your spouse. 

Finally, what does bankruptcy mean for YOUR future? If you get legally married, how will it affect your ability to get financing, buy a home, etc? A legal marriage does not sound like a good idea right now but you know that.

Finally, he needs professional help from someone specializing with gambling. Also, he can never let his insurance lapse again. 

Post # 7
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

This is why you never say a bad word about your significant other to your parents and family members… because when you are done being mad at them, your family members wont be. And sorry but I side with your mother on this one. I think you are making a major mistake and I personally couldn’t support someone who is making a mistake. I would hate to be one the who has to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart when I was the one asking them not to make the mistake in the first place.

That said, this is your life- your decisions and your consequences you life with. If someone doesn’t support you and your choices, you go ahead and make them any way and live your life. Your relationship with your mom will never be as close again until you prove her wrong OR she proves you wrong… and that will be a long time from now. Keep living your life for you- not anyone else.

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