Weddingbee boards

I want to start out by saying my FH is wonderful to me. He treats me better than I've ever been treated. He is respectful and shows me he loves me in so many ways. His priorities are skewed a little sometimes but that's getting better. The problem is I just found out he LIED to me. His son divulged something and I confronted FH on it. He told me it was true. It was something we'd discussed and agreed upon. He went behind my back and did it. Something I felt strongly about. And it was in HIS best interest(which he does not look out for...his friends and family all say this). I thought we were on the same page...he said he totally agreed with me.

I've always told him I have two things I need: Honesty and make me a priority(I've always had guys who put everything before me including dogs...grrr..lol). I make HIM a priority along with my kids and I am honest with him.

This has sort of rocked my world. We were possibly getting married friday at the courthouse. I still want to marry him but this really scared me. I had a heart to heart with him and told him I will not be in a relationship where I'm lied to. I mean a little white lie to spare my feelings...fine. But this was major to me. We'd discussed it. I told him to tell me everything he has lied to me about.....because I just knew there was MORE. There was. He told me a couple weeks before we started dating he slept with his abusive/cheating ex 4 times...NOT the "just once" that he'd been telling me for a year. WHY did he lie? It was before me. I just don't get it. And he lied or with held other things too. He said he only did because he was protecting us. I'm not sure about that. The lie that set this all off he was protecting his own Butt I feel because he knew I'd be hurt because we'd agreed on it. He said he is always afraid of losing me.

I want to marry him but I need to trust him. He has promised to never lie again...no matter what. Do I believe him like I want to? I can forgive the lies...but the trust he says has to be earned.

Please be kind in your advice. I'm really feeling confused right now.

In my opinion you cannot be mad at him about something that happened before you, it sucks that he lied to you about it. I want to know why it would be so important if he slept with his ex 1 time or 100 times before he was dating you, you were not in the picture at this point so he can do whatever he wants. My fiance does not know how many people I have slept with, it is not his business and I do not know how knowing this would help our relationship in any way. I think you should forgive him for this. Also have you talked about why he lied to you, he said protecting you but protecting you from what? Why does he not feel comfortable disclosing this information to you?

I am curious to know what he lied about that you feel so strongly about? If it was something illegal then I would say run for the hills but his son knew about it so I am guessing it is not illegal.

I am really sorry that you are having a hard time with this and having a hard time trusting him. Honesty is very important in a relationship. I think you need to weigh to pros and cons of your relationship. I think everybody lies about some things some people just lie a lot more. I lie to my MIL, she asks for wedding updates I say there are none, this is a lie, there are always updates but with updates comes her drama. Does anyone get hurt from this lie, not particularly. If you are getting hurt from his lies then you have to figure out if this is something you can live with. Also, I am concerned about the fact that you eluded to him looking out for his best interest which works when you are not married but in a marriage you have to look out for the best interest of the you as a couple not just himself.

I'm not mad at him about sleeping with his ex per se because it was before US. I'm upset that he lied about it being a "one time" incident when it turns out is lasted several weeks and happened 4 different times. It was before us so I'm not upset about that as much as the lie about it. Why lie? He said he was afraid I'd read more into it. Which I sort of am because he was all sorts of messed up over her still when we started dating. But I didn't KNOW he had just been with her right before me until much later in our relationship. I had been under the impression that she'd been moved out for 8 months and the divorce was underway. It really is the unnecessary lie about it that bothers me.

All this came about because he/we agreed he would not cover a bill that his now Ex was supposed to pay. His son leaked the fact that he did and his son asked him to pay it again. I'm hurt that he lied to me after we had an agreement. He is already really strapped with having to pay her 1000.00 per month alimony plus child support for their 17 year old on top of that. He just stopped paying her car payments not long ago and she has yet to get his name off her vehicle by getting it refinanced. His lawyer should have seen that was done prior to the divorce.

I just want his ex to stop controlling him every which way. And by lying to me and paying this bill I now feel I can't trust him. I want to and we are working through this but it really damaged my trust. And along the way there were other "incidents" concerning his ex that he kept from me. I trust him but they make him look guilty BECAUSE he kept them from me. She texted me saying they'd slept together after he and I got together. I really don't believe it but he has hidden the fact that she just barges in his house still. I think he hides it because he knows I feel badly that he allows her to do so......

And for the record I'm not a huge stickler about little white lies. It is the big, important ones that bother me. We all fudge sometimes to spare someones feelings and the like. It is keeping things from me like her just showing up to his house or doing something behind my back that he'd promised not to do. To me those are pretty major.

I'd agree NO lies is ideal and I can live with inconsequential ones but I feel the ones I've been told are clearly more than that

I DO want to marry him. Has anyone else dealt with a fiance or spouse lying and later doing better? I don't want to be totally Pollyanna about this and just think he will be but I want to allow that he can do better if he tries(and my past with abusive men may color this for me...I've learned that they say they'll change and don't). I'm thankful that he is so good to me in all ways....yet honesty and trust are still important.

@honeymead: You really give me hope because you yourself got a wake up call and did better. I'm hoping he loves me enough to do so. I think he does.

@LMD84: I am trying really hard to move past it. If it weren't for my past this would probably be much easier.

@HappierKate: I think you are totally right. He DID get into a pattern of lying to protect himself with her due to the abuse. But I'm so radically different than her and he admits that. I think it will just take time to perhapys "unlearn" bad habits. He seems to want to.

To clarify some things. FH is 45 and I am 44. We both have a past of having pretty abusive ex's. I picked HIM because he has been where I have and we are fabulous together and he is so kind. We have been dating a year. We don't feel we are "rushing" getting married because we both just know this is it. We both had longstanding marriages before and at this age time feels valuable.

We are living as if we are married anyways although we do have separated residences for now. He lives with me one week and the other week he lives at his old place until his son finishes high school this year. This had been THEIR house together. One of the things he hid from me was that she yet again barged into his house on Thanksgiving and even hugged him....he said he doesn't know why. It's just odd. He says he can't stand this woman but he really has a hard time standing up to her. And I understand he didn't want to be mean because his son witnessed this. She always gets away with things because she uses their kids as pawns. She texted us and told me that she'd done this on Thanksgiving and that they'd slept together since he/I have been dating.....so much drama that I HATE. I worked hard to get away from all that.

Everyone has given me the BEST advice. I'm going to use it. He is getting back in therapy and I suggested couples therapy as well which he agreed to. He and I only seem to run into trouble over issues with his past....and having been there myself I'm willing to be understanding.

@ Take The Reins: You situations gives me hope. Your situation does sounds lots like mine. He has stopped paying anything to/for his ex some time back....other than the super high alimony and child support. He paid the car payment/insurance because his name WAS/IS on her car(his lawyer filed a contempt of court thing to get her to finally refinance). This bill he snuck and paid was a bill his ex had agreed to take on. She knew by using their son she could get him to do it. He'd do anything for his kids(which I love about him). His kids have learned to manipulate like their mom though unfortunately. We've sort of already done the whole "fight" thing over this incident and he knows he stops lying to me or else I can't stick around. I do think he learned to protect himself by lying and now sees that he needs to stop doing so for our relationship to he healthy.

I'm glad you stuck it out with you FI. Sometimes we just have to set boundaries I guess and not let bad people ruin something good for us. My FH is better at ignoring his ex than I am. He can blow off her barging in his house...he puts it behind him and forgets about it. He officially moves out of their small town and in with me full time in 5 months. Yay!

I feel like this issue is not only about the fact that your FI broke a promise and kept it from you, but also about your jealousy towards his feelings over his ex. I'm not saying that he has any, but why would you prohibit him from paying a car that SHE drives that is in HIS name unless you feel it is a "me vs. her" situation?

I think you need to dig deep into your emotions and figure out why you had the initial problem with him paying it in the first place. As for him breaking your ageement and not telling you, I think he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He will either ruin his credit, or your relationship...

@ LovelyLaura: The payment he made was not a car payment for her. He stopped paying that quite a while back. And the car was granted to her in the divorce but she has refused to refinance and get his name off it. There should be NO paying of each other's bills after the divorce became final as I see it. The problem comes in because she still has a few things in HIS name because his lawyer didn't follow through on this stuff. And she has ruined his credit anyways with years of overspending. I'm thinking because she already ruined his credit he should let the chips fall where they may and concentrate on OUR relationship and standing up to her when need be.

I don't think I'm jealous of his ex so much as aggravated that he couldn't stand up for himself after she cheated and left. Or for quite a while after.  I understand the dynamics of abuse pretty well and that one stumped even me. I put up with things while IN a bad relationship for the sake of peace but once they left I no longer did. I guess it just made me question if he did still have feelings for her. I no longer think he does. I think he is just so used to caving in that it is automatic. And he has put lots of distance between them and that really showed me he was/is over her.

@ CassandraC: Their kids are all grown except for one son who is about to turn 18 and finish high school. They only share custody every other week with this son. This is the last link of her being able to get to him/us hopefully. FH hated to block her on his phone but the harrassment was getting really hard for us. And if his son needs anything he can always call. It would be nice if we could have just all gotten along.

I'm glad he is so willing to go to therapy. It has been a lifesaver for me. I agree with you that avoidance is sometimes easier than an ugly confrontation.