Post # 1
I want to start out by saying my FH is wonderful to me. He treats me better than I’ve ever been treated. He is respectful and shows me he loves me in so many ways. His priorities are skewed a little sometimes but that’s getting better. The problem is I just found out he LIED to me. His son divulged something and I confronted FH on it. He told me it was true. It was something we’d discussed and agreed upon. He went behind my back and did it. Something I felt strongly about. And it was in HIS best interest(which he does not look out for…his friends and family all say this). I thought we were on the same page…he said he totally agreed with me.
I’ve always told him I have two things I need: Honesty and make me a priority(I’ve always had guys who put everything before me including dogs…grrr..lol). I make HIM a priority along with my kids and I am honest with him.
This has sort of rocked my world. We were possibly getting married friday at the courthouse. I still want to marry him but this really scared me. I had a heart to heart with him and told him I will not be in a relationship where I’m lied to. I mean a little white lie to spare my feelings…fine. But this was major to me. We’d discussed it. I told him to tell me everything he has lied to me about…..because I just knew there was MORE. There was. He told me a couple weeks before we started dating he slept with his abusive/cheating ex 4 times…NOT the “just once” that he’d been telling me for a year. WHY did he lie? It was before me. I just don’t get it. And he lied or with held other things too. He said he only did because he was protecting us. I’m not sure about that. The lie that set this all off he was protecting his own Butt I feel because he knew I’d be hurt because we’d agreed on it. He said he is always afraid of losing me.
I want to marry him but I need to trust him. He has promised to never lie again…no matter what. Do I believe him like I want to? I can forgive the lies…but the trust he says has to be earned.
Please be kind in your advice. I’m really feeling confused right now.
Post # 3
without specifics, its tough to give advice. Are we talking about taking a loan out, quitting a job, loaning money to someone, buying something…
There are varying degrees of “bad” and without specifics its hard to know what to say.
But I will say promises only go so far. Don’t make him promise (he may be even more sacred of losing you if he slips up on something small), but make him earn your trust. He needs to do what he says, not just say it.
EDIT: OK no I am super confused. Are these two seperate incidents? is the sleeping with someone else related to thisnew lie?
Post # 4
I’m not the best with answering emotional posts, sorry in advance. It’s hard to tell you what I think if I don’t know what the initial lie you found out was. The ex thing seems stupid to lie about to me since he didn’t cheat/you weren’t together…. which is kind of a red flag to me. If he lies about insignificant stuff, what else is there, you know? Sorry about this, hope it’s not as serious as you think. I feel for you 🙁
Post # 5
@halolover: I can understand your disappointment in the situation. You make it very clear how much you love your Fiance. Being that this “incident” happened before you two started dating, I would take a DEEP breath, and then let it go. Sleeping with an ex is never something to be proud of, so I’m sure when he originally told you about it, he was embarrassed and ashamed and didn’t want to admit how many times it happened. He loves you, and you love him. That’s what’s important. 🙂
Post # 6
Oh honey 🙁 Did he maybe say it was once because the 4 times were 1 night? I don’t know how else he could justify saying it was the once.
However, it was before you were together so it could have been worse. I totally agree though, lying is not on. Maybe if you are going to a courthouse and there are no huge/expensive plans, the wedding is something you could postpone? Even if just for a wee while, til you see if you can sort this out. Good luck.
Post # 7
I think to truly advise you, we need to know what the lie was. However, I can promise you that once someone lies to you about something, they will not hesitate to do it again, no matter how many times you force them to promise you that they won’t.
Post # 8
I agree with PP that without specifics, it’s hard to give advice accurately…BUT from what is said, worst case scenario here is my thought: a lie is a lie, no matter what it’s regarding. And you say you had discussed the issue and he had agreed with your wishes, only to defy that and do it anyways. I am sorry, but this would be HUGE to me personally. As a partner, you have to have each others backs, be able to count on each other. This sounds like a blatant disregard to your feelings and emotional well being, as well as being disrespectful, and if it pertains to a parenting issue, undermines your authority. In your place, I wouldn’t marry him friday. That’s not enough time to figure out his motives and have him put his words into action. And a promise is only words, and only worth the amount of faith you can put int he person, which it sounds as if he hasn’t earned yet.
Post # 9
In my opinion you cannot be mad at him about something that happened before you, it sucks that he lied to you about it. I want to know why it would be so important if he slept with his ex 1 time or 100 times before he was dating you, you were not in the picture at this point so he can do whatever he wants. My fiance does not know how many people I have slept with, it is not his business and I do not know how knowing this would help our relationship in any way. I think you should forgive him for this. Also have you talked about why he lied to you, he said protecting you but protecting you from what? Why does he not feel comfortable disclosing this information to you?
I am curious to know what he lied about that you feel so strongly about? If it was something illegal then I would say run for the hills but his son knew about it so I am guessing it is not illegal.
I am really sorry that you are having a hard time with this and having a hard time trusting him. Honesty is very important in a relationship. I think you need to weigh to pros and cons of your relationship. I think everybody lies about some things some people just lie a lot more. I lie to my Mother-In-Law, she asks for wedding updates I say there are none, this is a lie, there are always updates but with updates comes her drama. Does anyone get hurt from this lie, not particularly. If you are getting hurt from his lies then you have to figure out if this is something you can live with. Also, I am concerned about the fact that you eluded to him looking out for his best interest which works when you are not married but in a marriage you have to look out for the best interest of the you as a couple not just himself.
Post # 10
are you just upset about the lie of the # of times he slept with his ex? or is there something biger you are upset over? Its hard to tell, if he is looking out for his own best interest when he is lying to you that is not good….. you need to take a step back and evaluate everything and see how you really feel about it all when its all added up…
Post # 11
Like others have said, without knowing exactly what the lie was…it’s hard to understand or give advice. However, if he’s lying about everything (even small stuff), then I’m sure you’re wondering if you can ever trust what he says. I get that.
Regarding the ex and what he did with her before you; I am not trying to make excuses for him, but there’s a good chance he didn’t talk about it with you because he was either embarassed that he did or he knew you’d be sensitive about it or both. It was before you, so you really can’t be upset about that part of his past. I mean you said he lied about it for a year…does that mean you brought it up a lot over the year?
Post # 12
I can see why he would lie about how many times he slept with his ex. He is probably embarrassed and didn’t want to even admit it to him self.
But like every one else is saying is that the lie you are worried about or is there something else? Depending on what the lie is determines the severity of it.
Post # 13
He was just trying to spare your feelings by not giving you all of the dirty details. Why is this a topic for conversation at this point in your relationship? Is there more to the story?
ETA: oh I see, this is a separate lie? What was the lie?
Post # 14
I don’t think it would be a deal breaker for me but I wouldn’t be marrying him on Friday either. Better to take a bit more time to sort through whatever trust issues have now arisen, and get married when you feel really confident and happy about it.
Post # 15
The fact that his son knows about the lie, to me means it can’t be that big of a deal, or a child wouldn’t know it.
Post # 16
I agree with PPs, to truly give you advice we need specifics.
As for sleeping with someone before you got together: you weren’t together. I appreciate that he should not have told you once when it was in fact more than that. But it’s really not such a biggy. I slept with a guy the day before SO and I started dating; he found out a few months (maybe even a year) into our relationship, but it’s no biggy. Thats just me though.
I hope you can work this out between you. Maybe another good talk is in order?