Post # 1
I asked him if he was thinking of buying a new car and he just gave me a vague answer.
When I remarked that my birthday is coming up, he asked, “Is there anything you want for your birthday? Give me ideas under $100.”
I thought that he was going to buy his dad’s car in the spring, when the lease is up for that car and his dad will have the option to buy. Given that BF’s car is getting pretty old, maybe he’s just saving up for a car, and a >$700 engagement ring for me is taking a back seat. Pun painfully intended.
I am getting more and more discouraged every day. Upon finding out yesterday that ANOTHER friend of ours got engaged, I actually burst into tears. Which is horrible, ridiculous, childish, immature, and stupid.
I keep crying at the though of not being engaged for a long time and not having the long engagement I always dreamed of… or, not getting engaged for while, being engaged for a long time, and not getting married anywhere near as soon as planned/hoped. I don’t know which I’d prefer, but considering I want to be engaged soon AND married soon, both are discouraging.
Sorry for another sad post about my negative and pessimistic feelings, but this is my only outlet as I’m done trying to put the pressure on him. He knows damn well what I want by now and I’m not going to embarass myself by begging for it. If he doesn’t want it too, I’m just going to have to deal with that, and I don’t know how or what will come of it.
Thank you for reading.
Post # 3
Oh my gosh. I thought this was going to say porn! haha
I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. Have you brought these concerns up to him?
Post # 4
omg! no time to properly comment im dashing out, but OMG about the ‘give me ideas under $100’ .. i would DIE i dont know why but that to me is more scandalous than anything.
Post # 5
Yeah, seriously. I feel like finding a pretty CZ/silver ring under $100 and saying, “Here honey, this is what I want for my birthday!” He’s the one who’s been saying “I’m ready, I’m ready, it’s going to happen, don’t worry, etc” so that shouldn’t be a problem, right? And I’d still be thrilled to be engaged even if I had a ring he found outside in a pile of dog shit, right? (Okay…maybe not…but just sayin’!)
So if my birthday comes around and still no engagement, but he spends money on another gift, I will probably be seething.
When we moved in together, we both agreed that we would be engaged VERY soon after, and he told me to tell my parents that so they’d be more okay with us moving in. So either he has chickened out, or he was full of crap to begin with. Either one… not good!
Is is so wrong to want to be engaged to the man I love, when we are fully financially in the position to be able to do that?!
Post # 6
I was in your same boat before we got engaged. Alllllllll our friends were getting engaged and married… most of them had been together WAYYYY less time than we had. And I knew his reasons why he couldnt propose at the time, but it still drove me INSANE!! Then one night… long after I stopped expecting it to happen… it happened! And the funniest part of it all is now I feel so silly for wanting to be engaged so fiercely, cause we have been engaged for almost 2 years. And by the time we get married it will be 2.5 yrs since we were engaged. And now I just feel like the time from pre-engagement to wedding has dragged on and on and on and on,… almost making engaged seem… boring?
Well anyways, hang in there. If he truly loves you he will want to marry you too. And girl, if he doesnt prove that, then its time to move on and find someone who makes you feel as special as you are! 🙂
Post # 7
Hugs! I know exactly how you feel. I caught my SO looking at something not at all engagement related and it really is disappointing.
On the other hand, guys do look at cars. My SO looks at cars online all the time… just like I look at shoes and clothes. It may not mean that he’s really trying to buy something else. It could just be “window shopping,” you know?
Hopefully we will both get what we want soon!
Post # 8
I agree with ^ that men look at cars. I don’t think it definitely means anything. My SO looks at cars now and then, he does plan to buy in the near future, but I’ve never thought “if he buys a car, he wont buy a ring.” Why not just buy both (unless there is financial strain)? If a car is a need for him, he should be looking at them. If a ring is a need, he would be looking at that too. So, it doesn’t have to be one or the other.
I would be ticked he said “under $100” out loud though.
Post # 9
Thanks for all the support. I am having a really hard time the last two days. I feel like I cannot control these feelings and I am getting desperate. HOW on Earth can I bring this up again? I need to get my feelings out to him or I am going to burst and just lose it one day and it will not be pretty!! This is a guy who has started getting upset every time I bring it up, and I don’t know if its because I’m ruining a surprise or what. He used to talk so much about our wedding, married life, kids, future, etc. and he’s been pretty quiet about it lately, maybe because he doesn’t want to open a can of worms….I just want to tell him what I’m feeling and what I want, but I don’t want to insult him or make him upset. I need to know the perfect thing to say, because I think every time I open my mouth and say the wrong thing I am pushing it back further and further…and I am just getting so upset every day that it doesn’t happen!
I know I’m so crazy, but that’s what happens when you hold in too many emotions 🙁
Post # 10
Hmm you say that he doesn’t talk about it all anymore and asked you for gift ideas under $100. I’m wondering if he isn’t trying to throw you off about a birthday proposal and is purposely not mentioning anything so he doesn’t ruin the surprise. I say wait until after your birthday to mention anything, he might just be planning something extra special 🙂
Post # 11
@wishingonadream04: Maybe, but I just don’t think so. I just have no faith right now. Not in this, myself, anything. I feel unworthy and unsuccessful about so many aspects of my life. If this one thing would fall into place, I think I would feel so rejuvinated and have faith again.
Once again, same as the last time it came up, he asked me what was wrong as we were going to bed because he could tell something was bothering me. I told him I didn’t want to bother him with it but he insisted. I told him about all the things that were on my mind (not just the engagement – insecurities about work, school, and myself as well) and this time his excuse for not being engaged was “I just want it to be perfect.” So so far we have “I’m saving money,” “I’m waiting for the right time,” and “I want everything to be perfect” on the list of excuses. I said every time someone else gets engaged it feels farther away for us. He said don’t worry about them, we’ll have our time. I said that was precisely the point… when does it get to be OUR time? I asked him please don’t wait until our cruise in July (with his whole family) because it needs to be earlier than that. I can’t stand the thought of being on the cruise with his whole family and thinking about how I am not yet really a part of the family and I don’t know when or if I will be. He told me just not to worry and to be patient. As I turned over to go to sleep I cried quietly and he reached over to touch my cheek and he asked why I was crying. I told him, “I just told you why. I’m sorry I’m getting this way, I don’t know why I am.” He said, “Unless you want me to propose right now, I don’t know what you want me to do.” That was the last thing we said. No mention of it this morning and I don’t want to cry or be sad again when I go home. I just don’t know how to carry myself with all the negative things I’m feeling. It’s so hard to get out of this funk and feel better about all the things I’m sad about. The worst part is that I am so, so blessed and lucky to have all these wonderful things and people and opportunities in my life, and I’m mad at myself for not being able to focus on that. Whenever I get in a funk I tend to just live inside my head, and it makes it worse.
Get me out of this funk 🙁
Post # 12
@pisces36: Sorry you’re feeling like this. I’ve been feeling like this off and on for months, which of course, does nothing to make my BF feel like proposing. Does your BF understand the emotions of waiting, and how they make you feel like soemting is wrong with you? How his waiting for it to be “perfect” makes you feel like he doubts you? Doubts spending his life with you? That everytin another woman, often in relationships of less duration (in my case) gets engaged, you wonder why her guy thinks she’s indispensilbe and wants to make her nd the world know it, and why your guy can’t tell you the same thing?
Do your best to get some alone time and let yourself cry, cry, cry. If you’re alone in the house at all, scream and yell if you mest, but let yourself get those feelings out, so you can get soem releife…. BUT also try to find something, anything that will distract you. In my case, weird as it is, I found some solace in trying to help my soon to be married friends with anything in their weddings that I can help with… In my case we have no timeline, and my BF is so scarred from life he might never propose, so I admit I’m kinda trying to have “some” sort of wedding experieinces in my life since I might never have my own.
Now, after letting yourself cry and get into hystrics if needed, stop spending any time alone. Find something new to try to be excited about – find a cheap Zumba class, bellydancing or anyhting new, with lots of people. It’s harder to remain sad in those situations. I hope things get better – there’s a lot of time before July, and it sounds like he’s not adverse to proposing or marriage, he just wnats to do it his way… since it’s the one real thing in the whol process he has a major say in, (in the wedding there are often too many chefs in the kitchen) try to leave it be, and let him get to it. You’d hate it if he proposes afer seeing you cry, simply because you were crying, right? (OK, you’d be happy he proposed, but what if he had something a little less damp planned?)
Sorry – I’m the queen of typos and today my hands are freezing at work, so it’s worse.
Post # 13
@pisces36: Awww… I can SO relate to that feeling! I am in my second relationship where I’m “waiting” for a proposal. The first was 4 years long and I felt like crap about myself every day until I left him on our 4 year anniversary. We were both in our 30’s at the time and had careers, so there was really no excuse.
My next relationship (the one I’m in now) I am also “waiting”, but I am no where near as frustrated as I was the last time. Except I am kind of scarred from my previous experience that I assume my now BF will keep me waiting forever. Poor guy has to pay for my exes mistakes .
So seeing that I have LOTS of experience in this area, I don’t think your BF is some fuddy duddy who will keep you waiting forever. He seems serious. Coming from an objective point of view. Your “reality” is clouded by your crazy emotions, but sometimes our “reality” is wrong!!!
I know that keeping quiet on something SO important is practically impossible. I am constantly telling myself to shut up about talking marriage with my current BF (we have been together 18 months and he’s not “ready” yet). I found that doing yoga and juice fasting has helped. They both teach me about discipline. Juice fasting might be too radical for you, but I am constantly a ball of emotions that I need to “stabilize” myself all the time.
So both things work for me to remain calm and patient. Perhaps you can look into it? It will do you some good, and will allow your guy to give you the correct proposal (because I think he has something up his sleeve).
Post # 14
Aw yay, people who understand my craziness
Thank you for the advice, ladies! I don’t know if I’ve really communicated to him WHY it makes me feel the way I feel. The REASON is because the fact that I thought it should have happened by now, and it hasn’t, and he still seems hesitant…make me feel unworthy and like there is something wrong with me, or US, that I don’t know about. I need to let him know that, because I think otherwise he’ll think I want it for the wrong reasons.
I’m going to my Zumba class tonight even though I’m exhausted. This situation is a big motivator to go…because I don’t want to feel that my sadness over it is controlling me. I think when I get home from work I’ll just take a nap (code word for: bawl while I watch TLC shows), make a light dinner, and go to my class.
I really appreciate the encouragement!
Post # 15
@pisces36: Grrrr….. It’s so hard to understand guys and their prioriries and why they don’t have the same ones as us. I realize they have their “own” timeline and they are put under pressure to make it perfect.. but I also don’t think they realize many women could care less how they do it, they just want it done! In my own little fantasy world, sometimes I tell myself he has it all planned out and is just trying to throw me off or make me not think about it
I was also under the impression my SO was going to use his tax refund for a ring, but he needs new tires for the truck… But last weekend, his Dad offered to buy the tires.. and he said “well how do you know I don’t already have the money saved before the refund”. GAH! WTF? I don’t know if they get a kick out of stringing us along or what, but it’s miserable not knowing a damn thing.
make me feel unworthy and like there is something wrong with me, or US, that I don’t know about.
I go through bouts of feeling this way and it’s not fun at all. I had a really, really tough time this past fall for about a month or so. It was awful. It’s so hard from our perspective to understand why it hasn’t happened if they feel the way they say they do. Speaking of that… have you two had ‘the talk’ and do you know if he’s for sure on the same page about wanting the marriage? This is what makes me so mad at my SO sometimes, he tells me he knows he wants to marry me and he’s not going anywhere… so where’s the freaking ring? What’s the freaking hold up?
Post # 16
I get it – believe me! SO spent $2300 to re-upholster furniture (his furniture). It’s his money and he has the right to do with it what he wants but $2,300 would make a nice e-ring, yes???? However, he’s so generous to me otherwise…I can’t say anything, or I “won’t” say anything. I don’t want a shut-up ring. or a forced proposal. No No No. I’d rather have nothing at all.