(Closed) CBC bees and fence bees How did your so react when you told him your feelings

posted 6 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I wobble back and forth on this issue all of the time.  While I am 80% sure I never want children, I definitely don’t want to remove the option from the table entirely.  Maybe I will, but I probably won’t.  My husband, thankfully, is on the same page as me and has been since day 1.  He is probably more like 95% sure he never wants children, but I know if I made up my mind that I definitely wanted a child, he would happily have one with me. 

Post # 5
Member
4606 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

When FH and I first got together, we were I was 19 and he was 20. I had been pretty sure I never wanted any children since I was 13 but FH thought that he might want them someday, but he was on the fence. I think a lot of his “fencing” was because he has a great niece and nephew. I mean, they are well behaved, really cute kids, but FH only thought about having children after being around them. Sometimes when FH would bring up the kids idea, I would think about it briefly, but I also knew there was no promise that we’d end up with really awesome kids. Eventually, FH and I had a serious talk about it and we decided that neither one of us likes kids enough to want one around all the time. I can only be around the best behaved children for a few hours… Kids are not for us, and most of the reasons we have are selfish too. Kids mean no more sleeping in, no spontaneous date nights, no money for trips to Italy, Ireland, and Scotland. Kids mean lots of money and patience (that I don’t have). But it mostly comes down to patience. I’m annoyed by children. I have left resturaunts before because of the number of kids sitting near me. I have changed hotel rooms if my “neighbors” had kids with them. I just can’t do it. Ultimately, it was an easy decision to come to. FH is probably going to get a vasectomy after we get married.

All of us are selfish to some degree.

Post # 6
Member
3609 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Does your FI know that you’re 78% likely never to change your mind regarding kids?  And is he fully prepared for that?  Dunno, just sounds like he’s okay with it because he’s convinced himself you’ll change your mind later.  Just think he probably shouldn’t “live in hope” you’ll change your mind.

(Sorry, I know that’s not what you asked, just a thought)

We both want children.  So the CBC conversation never came up  🙂

Post # 7
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

Him thinking you’ll change your mind isn’t a good thing. If you’re certain you don’t want kids and he’s pretty sure he does it may not bode well for you marriage. Perhaps pre-marital counselling would be beneficial and make it more clear where you both stand.

When I told FI that I didn’t like or want any children (it was pretty early on, second or third date) he was relieved. He’s known for a long time he’s not interested in having children. He likes them- if he can give them back.

Post # 8
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee

SO and I are totally on the same page. He was actually relieved when I had the kids talk with him.

Post # 9
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@imalittlebirdie:  It really sounds like he thinks you’ll be changing your mind on the topic, which is kind of unfair to you.  Yes, you’re absolutely entitled to change your mind at any time.  But if you have strong feelings one way or another, you may want to decide if having children or not having children is a dealbreaker for you.

I always came across as being against marriage because I thought I’d never find someone who would want to marry me, I wasn’t sure what the benefit of marriage was, and I was okay with not ever getting married if it never happened for me.  It was never a dealbreaker for me, though.  However, having kids is a dealbreaker for me.  I made it clear from the very beginning with my FI that I do not want kids, this is non-negotiable, and if we weren’t on the same page then we had no relationship.  I bring it up once in awhile to make sure he hasn’t changed his mind and that we’re still on the same page, and fortunately we’ve always agreed on this.  

I also want to point out that you’re right, both sides of the argument sound selfish.  I just cringe when CBC people are told that their reasons are selfish.  You are entitled to spend your hard earned money and your free time however you choose (within legal limitations, of course! lol)  If you want to drink champagne and eat strawberries everyday, go ahead, that’s not hurting anyone.  If you want to dedicate your time and energy to the Red Cross, a cancer cause, or the ASPCA, that’s great too!  But don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty or like a bad person for doing what you want to do with your life.

Some of the reasons people list for having children seem silly or selfish, too, like your examples of carrying on a name, or the grandparents wanting you to have grandbabies for them.  You’re entitled to make the choice to have children based on any reason you’d like.  It’s a decision that once made, you can’t really go back on since there are no return policies  ;o)  No matter which you decide, I think the most important thing right now is making sure you and your SO are on the same page.  I’d hate to see a marriage suffer because of something so important that was put aside to discuss later or “cross that bridge when we get there.”  

 

Post # 10
Member
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I was never on the fence about kids, I always knew I didn’t like them and then one day I realized that I didn’t have to have them. FI and I discussed the no kids thing pretty early on because neither of us want any and it would have been a serious deal breaker if the other did.

Post # 11
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee

So and I both agree that if we’re younger than 45 and feel as though we have enough money and happiness in our lives we’ll adopt, because we’d love to give a child or a few a chance to have a “real” family life. We’re open to adopting kids of all ages. We’re more bio-childfree by choice. 

Post # 13
Member
3123 posts
Sugar bee

I used to always be sure that I didn’t want children. I just don’t want them for myself and I never have looked at kids and for more that just a few hours/days thought that that is really something critical for me to do in life. DH, then boyfriend, was totally panicked that I didn’t/maybe don’t want kids. He has always wanted to have kids. For me, I wouldn’t resent having them, because I want to give him something he so greatly desires….but for me, it just isn’t something that I am dying to do…So yeah, I waver a lot and he went from freaking out that I didn’t want kids to thinking/seeing my side of it. 

Post # 14
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I find it annyoing when people claim that CBC-ers are selfish. Devoting your time, energy, and money to your spouse is NOT selfish. You are not depriving anyone (especially any potential kids) of anything. Ladies, if you have decided to be CBC, please own that decision; don’t make excuses for it. You have nothing to be ashamed of or guilty about. It’s no one’s business what you do with your uterus.  Your life doesn’t have to revolve around kids to be fulfilling, loving, or worthwhile. If you and your partner are on the same page, that’s all that matters.

Speaking of being on the same page as your partner: you should be brutally honest about your desires and expectations regarding kids. Next time you have one of those “omg, kids are so cute, we should totally have one!” moments, take a breath and really consider how it would impact your life. Can you picture yourself with a baby? Or are you jsut infatuated with all the cuteness of babies and their accessories?

If your parnter thinks or expects that you will change your mind (from no-kids, to yes-lets’s-have-kids) you should set him straight. Make sure he understands that you don’t want kids now and you may never want them. He needs to be ok with the child-free scenario without hoping for a different decision. 

Personally, I wish ALL couples spent as much time as most CBC-ers do deciding to have kids. It’s a big decision and one that should be carefully considered before proceeding. Society has an expectation that women will grow up, fall in love, get married, and have children. And most couples follow that script without truly considering their desires or options. It’s refreshing and responsible when couples can be passionate about their decision to have or not to have children. 

Sorry about the novel!

Post # 15
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

we’re not having kids, hubby says he never imagined himself as a father and im the same but i’ll be honest and there is a small part of me that wouldnt say no to a small part of him.  of course then i remind myself cute and cuddly only lasts about 2yrs and i get over the feeling quickly

one of my good friends broke up with her (nice guy) BF of 5yrs last year because kids was a big deal breaker for him – he wanted them, she didnt.  he hoped she would change her mind and she didnt.

Post # 16
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

I’m bumping this because I like the thread (that, and I’m going crazy on the boards due to work boredom.)

I was a little nervous with approaching the subject; however, my feelings turned out to be unnecessary. He has never wanted kids. So it worked out wonderfully!

Had he wanted kids…I probably (well, possibly) would’ve consented and given the okay for ONE child. (The more I think about that..the more I cringe, though.)

I don’t care if my reasons are selfish, TBH. It’s my body, and our life together…and we can choose whatever the heck we want to do with our lives. I won’t apologize for that. 😉

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