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I'm no expert in these things, but don't mind taking a look at it if you want to send it through.
I think the fact that both you and your FI (and mom to boot) are happy with what you've put together, you need an officiant who is flexible enough to give you the ceremony you want. Can you find someone else?
Hmm... is he just offering his professional opinion, or is he unwilling to perform the ceremony as you've written it?
Maybe you could press him to be a little more specific... what parts does he think will be awkward? Looks fine to me!
I would ask him to be more specific, like daydreamwanderer mentioned....but at the end of the day, its your ceremony and I think you should do what you feels right to you. Good luck!
If you'd like another proffesional officiant's opinion, I'd be more than happy to take a look and offer some suggestions - you can email me at jessie@eclectic-unions.com
Some officiants may just not feel comfortable with reading straight from a script - I know when my couples give me specific details that they want, I often put it in my own words, to make sure I'm comfortable speaking and being up in front of everyone with the words I am saying. Maybe you could see what suggestions your officiant would offer on the ceremony to make it "flow" better?
So it turns out the officeint is fine with what I wrote he just isn't able to memorize it - which is fine, I would never expect him to. He actually said he was "touched" by our ceremony. It's just my coordinator that told me "he said it didn't flow" and put the negative spin on it. I've had it with these coordinators. If anyone wants a recommendation on who NOT to use, I'm happy to share.
jessieblum, I might email it to you anyway just to get your professional opinion :) THANKS!
I wouldn't expect anyone to memorize it either. Our JP just read it off paper - no biggie. I was the same way - I wanted something that was totally just us. Good luck - i know how you feel about coordinators - I could say SO many things about mine.
Put it in a very official looking binder or book... Done... Prob solved. :) So glad. I'm sure you put tons of work into it!
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I've been told by my officeint that my ceremony I have put together "doesn't flow".
I'm not comfortable with a lot of the 'traditional' wedding things (death do us part etc.), am not religious at all and while I am getting married in Hawaii, I am not Hawaiian and neither is my fiance. So when I was sent a 'script' from our Hawaiian officient that had 3 options "religious", "Hawaiian", or "contemporary", I scrapped it and put my own together by finding wording that DID represent our relationship. I thought it was pretty good, I stuck to the same format for a usual ceremony: Greeting, Reading, Giving Away, Vows, Exchange of Rings, Declaration of Marriage. My fiance likes it, my mom LOVES it. I am wondering if this guy is just PO'ed that I am not using his scripts? Well, sorry buddy, the hawaiian waters and mountains, while I know are lovely, mean nothing to me so I don't want them waxed on about for 5 minutes during the ceremony.
What can I do? I'm really attached to what I put together, it took ages and I made sure every single sentence was relevant to the 2 of us.
If anyone REALLY feels like helping, I'd love to email a copy of our script to see if it is "unflowy"