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I read somewhere that the wedding planning process helps the engaged couple practice how they will deal with problems and their respective families in the future. (read: If he doesn't want to contradict her now, how is that going to change when you are husband and wife? Should she be the primary woman in his life and the one he refuses to contradict?) That being said, I think you might want to try telling your FI that as much as his mother wants the wedding to be in her church, it is important to the two of you to have the ceremony that *you* want. You only get to have one wedding and it's important that it be the way the *two of you* want it to be. It's not like this is a relatively minor issue, it sounds like the ceremony is not going to be the way you all were led to believe it was going to be.
I hope this works out for you! Please keep us posted!
Do you think there's anyway to compromise without really compromising!!! Let me explain... What about if you had the ceremony where you want, how you want it etc. but agreed to have your marriage blessed at a later date at your FMIL church. She can plan that whole thing then but you get to have your day how you want it, you said you weren't religious so maybe you could pick somewhere alternative, beautiful but meaningful to the two of you. But I agree with MisstoMrsin42Days do seriously talk to your FI you really don't want to create a triangle of tension that is taken into your marriage!... (and further... christenings/ baby dedications etc. etc.)
I agree with MisstoMrsin42 days. How your fiance acts now will predict how he'll act in the future. So, you really need to discuss this with him, about how important it is for him to back you up, not fear his mother. Be very nice when you say this, though, because you don't want him to start to fear you, too!
No matter how badly your fiance doesn't want to upset his mother, it does not change the fact that this is not his mother's wedding. She had her turn many years ago when she got married. This is yours. Quite frankly, on a spiritual level, she is asking you to lie during your own wedding. She is asking you to adhere to a religious rite that is not your own -- and that IS a big deal.
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I have a horrible situation regarding my ceremony that just keeps getting worse. I actually posted something tangentially related to it earlier today but now it is even worse than we thought.
We booked my FILs church for our wedding day. We haven't paid any fees, but we did ask an officiant who is not a pastor at the church but who is a former member. We are on the church calendar.
We booked the church because we were indifferent about where to have the ceremony, but it was an easy way to make my FMIL happy, since we haven't involved her much. My FMIL told us that the church is very liberal and we would have plenty of room to personalize the sanctuary and the ceremony. We booked on the assumption that we would be free to do what we wanted, with reasonable limitations (no hailing satan, no sacrificing animals, etc)
Now, a few weeks later, all these new rules are popping up. We aren't allowed to remove the altar or pulpit hangings, even though they are bright red (our colors are sage, chocolate, and lavender). We are only allowed floral displays in church vases- no flowers on the pews, no bringing in our own vases. No candles, no greenery, no ribbon, either. We are only allowed two baskets of flowers in the area outside the sanctuary- no other decoration.
Also, there are all these religious customs that have to be incorporated into the ceremony, including having a crucifer lead the processional and recessional. I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this as neither of us is religious and we are inviting friends from all different backgrounds...
Basically, the entire thing has gone from "make it a celebration however you want it" to "this is going to be the most solemn ceremony ever."
FMIL is giving us a hard time about changing, and even though FI is unhappy with the rules, he doesn't want to contradict her. I am pretty fed up at this point. I just don't know how to make my FI see that it is ok to tell his mother that we aren't going to do this her way...