- 3 years ago
- Wedding: April 2015
I’ve run into a challenging situation with a close friend and I’m looking for unbiased opinions for how I should address it.
So here’s the deal. S and I have been friends since we were 3 and have been through a lot. We have very different views on life (tradition and religion etc), but have always managed to get through it in the past. I met my SO a little over two years ago and about 5 months later she met her husband. I was thrilled for her because she hadn’t dated much and he was a great guy. Because of their religious beliefs they moved quickly and were engaged within the year and married less than a year later. At this point they’ve known each other for just under two years and have been long distance the entire time (even after the wedding). I was a bridesmaid at her wedding and was really supportive of the relationship the entire time.
About 2 months before the wedding I mentioned that SO and I were planning on getting married the following spring. She seemed happy for me and said she would help out in any way I needed. SO and I are really untraditional and are doing a surprise wedding without an official engagement to help keep the surprise. She was the one I had selected from my circle of friends to tell about our plan because I trusted her with the secret and it wouldn’t have resulted in hurt feelings by the others.
S’ wedding went well and I assumed we were fine. The thing is, I haven’t heard from her since then and have sent multiple texts without a response (it’s been 3 months). Our friends (5 of us) had a girls trip planned this weekend and she was going. When I saw her, she never mentioned my texts and I didn’t want to make the weekend uncomfortable by bringing it up with others there. This wouldn’t have been a big deal, but more than once this past weekend she jumped all over me about an innocent comment and got really worked up over nothing. In particular when I was discussing my future plans with SO like having children and my untraditional approach to our situation. For example, she lost it when I referred to SO as my “partner”. I get that some people don’t like this term, but it’s the term I prefer. She said loudly and rudely while we were out at dinner that I should be calling him my boyfriend. When I said I preferred partner over boyfriend since we are in our 30s and have lived together for 2 years and that I would likely continue to use the term occasionally even when we are married she scoffed told me that partner should only be used for a homosexual couple and said “oh, when you’re married you’ll change your tune.”(she’s been married less than 3 months, but is apparently now the expert). I can only imagine how she’d feel if she knew SO refers to me as his wife sometimes. The horror!
I also mentioned casually that SO and I would likely start TTC in the next 6 months to a year (we’re in our 30s, this isn’t that shocking). A couple of minutes later all of us were talking and I jokingly mentioned how my colleagues, who have children and pets, said that pets prepare you for parenthood (not my opinion, theirs). She started yelling about how children change your life and how ridiculous I was to even equate one with the other (she doesn’t have children and is not currently TTC). Like I said this was not my opinion and it was a lighthearted comment during a really innocent discussion that she made uncomfortable for everyone.
These are just two examples of several that she made during the trip and one of the situations on it’s own isn’t a big deal, it’s more the accumulation of them that have worn on me. When we weren’t talking about things like traditions and children she was fine and she never reacted to anyone else this way. I also never reacted when she was rude, because this was a group trip and I didn’t want to make anyone else feel awkward, but one of the other girls did approach me later on and ask me what was up with S.
So, my question to you all is what you think I should do? The friendship is important to me, but I’m also not going to continue to subject myself to her attacks. Do I address the issue and confront her about her behaviour or distance myself and just be polite at events we both attend?
I should also mention that I can’t come up with anything that I could have done to justify her being angry with me other than our differing views on traditions and wedding.
I apoligize for the long post, but figured the background was important. Any insight would be helpful!