Post # 1
I just wanted to find out if others have this experience (I’d imagine that I’m not alone, so maybe I’m just hoping for validation).
We spent the last few days with my fiance’s parents who I do think are nice people. That being said, spending almost 5 full days with them allowed me to see some things I find to be challenging/annoying, etc. Part of me feels bad for being annoyed because they are nice people, but you know feelings are feelings and tht’s what it is.
Anywho…generally I talk with my fiance about almost everything, especially things I find stressful/challenging, etc. and when it comes to family, I realize I can’t, and it’s really annoying. Like, for example…the other night we were watching a movie, and his dad came in during the end but wasn’t really watching. His dad can’t hear very well and generally seems to be in his own world so I can’t TOTALLY blame him…but in the end of the movie, at the serious, sad, like, guy is dying and it’s sad moment (and we’re all quietly watching and absorbed), his dad decides to say to my fiance, oh did I tell you our stereo broke. Like, totally killing the moment. Of course NOTHING serious or like, how dare you, but annoying none the less. And I can’t talk to him about it or say, can you believe your dad did that.
I guess part of it is tough because I’ve complained about my parents to him, and he’s been like yeah I agree. (I mean I do really like my parents, and my complaints are similarly minor). But, it’s like he never talks bad about them, and just focuses on their positives. So I don’t feel right bringing up the negatives, even though they do start to build and bring about frustration.
So, I don’t know…does anyone else feel this way? Of course none of this is a HUGE thing and I know I should appreciate the fact that his parents are really genuine and sweet people….but still…just some ahhhh feelings. 🙂
Post # 3
My bf’s parents are complete fucking psychos. But I’d never say that to his face. I’d just say that I am hurt by their attitude – things like that. When it actually does impact on me.
Other than that I hold my tongue. I’d rather say nothing.
Post # 4
It’s the same way with me. my FI’s parents are nice people, but I disagree with some of the things they do/the way they see things. But you can’t bring it up with FI, or he goes into defensive mode and ignores the situation. Of course, FI doesn’t talk about my parents, but my parents aren’t super conservative, this way is the only way to do things kind of people either. I talk to my parents about it, but that’s about it.
Most of the time, I don’t say anything, because it doesn’t get me anywhere.
Post # 5
And I can’t talk to him about it or say, can you believe your dad did that………
you were in your FFILs house, he was bored and he spoke during a quite (or for him boring) part of the movie and you want to discuss it with your FI – hehehehe im sorry but if thats the worse your FFIL does in a 5 day visit then thank your lucky stars
Post # 6
I’m not sure there’s a need to talk with FI about this. His parents aren’t doing anything to hurt anyone, and in all honesty, could be much more annoying. I don’t think your FI could change anything about them, and would probably just get defensive.
I know that I rant about my parents alot, but if FI says something negative about them I get a little defensive.
Post # 7
My advice is talk and vent to your girlfriends or bees! This is what I do rather than hurt my husband.
My in-laws mean well but are annoying. MIL always talks about herself and never bothers to ask me questions about myself.
Try not to think much about it..that’s how I survive! Oh, and I’m happy to be spending Christmas with my family this year 🙂
Post # 8
LOL ditto Eloping. My mom talks and talks and talks during movies. It drives Dh and I up a wall sometimes, but we laugh about it, I say “that’s mom!” and he drops it. I don’t want to hear him complain about her.
My mom just spent 7 days with us. I thanked DH for being so nice about it and for NOT complaining to me about it. It would’ve really irritated me if it was anything more than a mild joking comment.
Post # 9
I’m on the other side of this: I’m the one that comes from a pack of weirdos. My mom has been terribly behaved and it really really hurts MrF. Sometimes he vents and calls her a psychopath and all kinds of terrible things. I know he just needs to get it off his chest. I am mortified by how she’s acting but she’s still my mom and I still want her to be a part of everything. As a result I often feel trapped in the middle and stressed about taking sides. I also feel like demanding that everyone drop their crazy and focus on helping out.
Anyway, for those of you who want to vent, here are my thoughts:
-don’t make it about what they do. make it about how it makes you feel.
-don’t namecall! its not nice.
-be discreet about venting. it’s stressful to be in a group of people and know that they all think poorly of your family.
-try to be a team about this. inside jokes help. standing up for each other helps.
-be sensitive to your SO’s needs. Remember that whie youve been dealing with annoying trait X or Y for just a little while they’ve had to deal with it their whole lives, even as kids. in some cases parental behavior may have forced them to be responsible for difficult parents and they may be sick of managing all this.
FWIW:Mr F’s family does things that annoy me but they are fun and have good hearts. I sometimes vent to my friends when they do something awkward b/c he is pretty protective even though he acknowledges their screwups.
Post # 10
I think you’re all probably right…I know that I’m lucky that his parents ARE so nice, and probably much of my stress/posting was coming from the small things building up over the time they were here. (The movie example was one of many things after a few days, that tied into other challenges I was experiencing).
I guess what is mostly challenging about this is that I tend to use my fiance for emotional support and venting in a LOT of things, and it’s a bummer when I have to say okay I have to restrict myself. Though I fully understand why….I definitely don’t want to upset him or offend him, because that isn’t fair or nice. And I’m lucky that I do have other people i can turn to for support in venting.
I think a lot of this too is really new for me, since we’ve never spent so much time with his parents not in their environment…so it’s just some new experiences I’m getting used to. 🙂
Post # 11
I am kind of in a similar situation with my boyfriend’s parents. I guess it’s a little more than annoyance because sometimes certain things they say or do to me/us feel hurtful. So I did end up talking to my boyfriend about it, but it was hard. It’s especially hard for me to deal with because I just moved across the country to be with him, and part of my reason for doing that was to get to know his family and, in a way, seek their approval. I think a lot of the underlying tension between us (at least between his mom and me) stems from the fact that I’m not Jewish.
I think that @MrsFalcon‘s advice above is good, especially about namecalling and staying on the same team. Also, keep in mind that men and women are very different. Many times women store up every little annoyance in their brain and want to talk about it later, while men might be annoyed in the moment and forget about it the next. I know that’s how it works in my relationship!
Post # 12
when you spend 5 days with people you don’t know very well, it’s easy for them to get on your nerves. i think you’ll get used to them, it just takes time to understand all of their little quirks.
Post # 13
my bf feels that way about my parents sometimes. and i can see where he’s coming from and we just have to laugh it off cause that’s really the only thing you can do. and if he has a sense of humor he shouldnt get offended cause it is funny sometimes