Weddingbee boards

Ok - so I've been wondering about all of this from you lovely ladies (and men out there...) - when it comes to your relationship - I guess this would be geared more towards those who've lived together for a while - are you OK with "changing" your own habits to make him/her happy?

We have ONE argument and ONLY one that we ever argue about. And that is cleaning. He's a neat freak and was brought up (which, don't get me wrong, it's a GREAT thing that he's not a slob...) but he was brought up that as soon as he is done eating/cooking/doing anything in the kitchen, he cleans up EVERYTHING. dishes get washed, put away, spray down the counters, etc.

I - however - while I am NOT a slob by any means - I have NO problems leaving dishes in the sink for a day until I get to them later (honestly I'm talking 1 day at most)...

I LIKE things clean, but I've never been the kind that has to clean up the SECOND I'm done with something.

He wants me to be like this. Again this is the ONE and ONLY issue we really have together.

It's a hard habit to break / begin - mainly because this ISN'T how I've ever been. Sometimes I do - and I've REALLY been trying to be better for our marriage - as this is the ONE thing he asks me to do...but again, it's just not a habit of mine and so it doesn't come "natural"...

Now - the other night we had a discussion about this - and I keep telling him how I DO try but he always seems to get angry over the few small times when I DON'T do it instead of recognizing all of the times i DO do it.

Course I came back to him with the one thing that reallllly irritates me about him and that is, when we're out with our friends, or even just in general - if I say something that isn't 100% correct, he HAS to correct me instead of just "letting it go"...and not saying anything (he promises he'll get better at "biting his lip"). This isn't condescending or anything - just annoying. Like if I were to say "Toyota Mustang" he would have to correct me and say, "honey, it's a FORD - FORD Mustang"...(haha, just came to my mind - car commercial, lol).

But anywhooooo - I guess my thing is - we both have our main issues we want each other to change, habit wise - and it IS hard because this is how we've both been for 30 / 36 years. Part of me is like "well, I shouldn't HAVE to change for anyone!" but at the same time - marriage is about compromise and change...

So I'm really curious - what habits have you had to change / compromise in your relationship/marriage?

My DH is an only child who has only ever lived with 1 other person at most (i.e. he was never in a group house or lived with anyone except his parents or girlfriends). I grew up with 2 sisters and lived in a group house before I moved in with him. He isn't used to things that I find normal, having shared a house with people - things like, being woken up by someone coming home late (not necessarily because they're noisy, just because they're coming home), finding something has moved from its place, people borrowing your stuff occasionally, etc. I think he's found it hard to get used to, but he's much better now especially at recognising that it's not a deliberate thing. I can be thoughtless - he has to remind me to close the windows so we don't waste AC and stuff like that. I think we're both better but we'll probably never be exactly how the other wants - which is ok bc no one is perfect and it would be boring to be the same person all the time :)

When I moved in with DH my mother told me to pick my battles. Some things are worth arguing over, other things are not. Does your FH really think the dishes are worth these fights? As long as you're not growing your own ecosystem in the kitchen it doesn't sound like a big deal to me. Do you have a dishwasher? Maybe it's time to invest :)

@mountain.bride - yes we have a dishwasher...i just also didn't mention I'm a clutterbug - I'm NOT a slob (meaning I don't like dirt/gross stuff) by anymeans, and I DO use the dishwasher every day...but sometimes am a bit too lazy at emptying the dishwasher / putting the dishes into the dishwasher right away - I mean, I do CLEAN OFF the dishes when I leave them in the sink - just don't put them in the washer, immediately...again though, this is something I have recognized and am working on. :)

@dorsay - thanks for the mention of that book! I'm looking at it on amazon right now! I know mr. junebride would NEVER be into reading that - but I think I would be and it could always help us "newlyweds"! :)

@MightySapphire - I know that's how I need to look at it, and I know that - but damnit it's hard! :)

@Dorsay - thanks again for the mention of that book - after reading tons of reviews, I broke down and bought it (hey, shipping+handling+priceofbook = $6! lol).

Even if my husband does NOT read it with me (which I know he won't...) I can at least learn for myself and possibly relay back to him in a better way exactly how I feel and what we need to do.

Thing is - we HAVE a great relationship - but just like I'm sure everyone does / knows - no relationship is perfect and there's always things that can be improved upon. I know, too, the fact that honestly while he is 36 and I am 30 - we are each other's first true "long term relationship". We are the first person, for each other, whom we have lived with in a romantic setting. And on top of that - marriage just is NOT easy! lol.

Again, thanks - and - any other bees out there reading this, I'd really love to hear what habits YOU and/or your FI/husband have "changed" or at least "tweaked" for each other. It's NOT an easy thing to do - especially when one or the other is soooo stubborn and you've had the habit for who knows how many years... :)

Me, again! lol. AFter looking more online about this book - I haven't even gotten it yet (JUST ordered it an hour ago, lol) - but one thing that I already know I "need" as far as the 5 love languages go - is "1. Words of Affirmation"...and I already KNOW he does NOT get that...on the terms of the cleaning thing - I'm always asking him to tell me, "hey thanks for cleaning" it's a simple thing - but he keeps telling me, "I shouldn't have to say that - it should be a given". He thinks that me wanting him to say those things is like a parent praising a child - and it's not...so now I just have to articulate correctly exactly WHY and HOW I want him to give me these words of affirmation.

NO...I WANT to hear you say "hey thanks for cleaning" to me, that is showing that you appreciate what I did. This is one of my "love languages"...

BTW - the others are:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Gifts (which is another of mine)

4. Acts of service (which is his)

5. Physical Touch

Yeah - I'm SO gonna ask a new thread about this book when I'm done reading! lol

haha - not sure i'll ever "enjoy" cleaning - lol...but yeah.

So I spoke with him about this last night over dinner - and I brought up my own "love language" of expecting more "words of affirmation". As I expected - his first reaction was "no - I don't need to treat you like our dog constantly going 'good girl!!!". And I told him - of course - that it's different - I obviously don't want to be talked to like we do our dog and he doesn't need to be condescending about it - but "words of affirmation" can even just be saying "i love you" more than just when we're in bed ready to go to sleep - or HIM saying more before I do. Of course too, I told him, just complementing me now and then, telling me how beautiful he thinks I am every once in a while...

He, of course, just kept trying to tell me, "yeah - but that's not 'natural' for me to do"...and I told him - "well, it's not 'natural' for me to clean up the second I'm done with anything either - but I know that's what YOU want and expect and I will work on that for YOU so I am asking you to do the same. we both need to comprimise and "change" our own habits for each other - it CAN'T just be a one-way street"...

I told him I bought the book and while I don't expect him to read it, I at least asked that he'd look over the website - which he actually did! Of course he laughed at a few - especially the "gifting" language because he thinks that makes someone "shallow"...whatever - but he TOTALLY agreed with his own language of "acts of service". So I do think it's a good start. Def. something we both need to work on - and it can only make us stronger. :)

I understand. I want to make it perfectly clear that I'm NOT a slob in any way - I've always cleaned up and kept things "clean"...for the most part - I'm just not like what he expects and clean up the SECOND I'm done with something. I will leave the dishes in the sink for a few hours or overnight and clean it up the next day - but he says that's not "natural" for him and expects me to be the same way he is (wanting to clean up the second I'm done...)

He even admitted yesterday "you know - whether men admit it or not, we want to marry a "June Cleaver" who cooks/cleans/does chores/etc..." and I think I can agree with that - most women would say that's not true - but I personally agree that - whether men admit it or not - that's what MOST men secretly desire.

Course - the problem is - women haven't been LIKE that since the 1970's! If even that late... lol

I'm NOT a stay at home wife - and shoot - I'M the one who has the higher paying corporate job! And he gets that - but he also secretly (well, not so secretly, lol) wants me to ALSO take care of everything with the house. He knows that's not possible and he ENJOYS cleaning and doing the laundry - he just wishes I would take over everything - house related - and he knows that's just not going to happen.

I wish he WOULD realize his clean-freak issues are his own issues, but he refuses to see that and he just "expects" me to WANT to clean the way he does and he can't get that out of his head. I am working on things with him - we've lived together for 3 years now and it's always been the same issue (the cleaning)...I just don't do it fast enough for him. I always DO clean up - again just not the second I'm done doing what I'm doing.

But I also know - again - that he's been stubborn and on his own for almost 34 years - never realizing truly how it is that he has to change in order to make someone else happy (and it's the same with me...) I told him - this is still a learning experience for us as we've never really talked about this before - just expecting things from each other that we can't GET when the other doesn't KNOW what it is each other needs. I constantly have to remind him, "I'm NOT one of the guys at work - don't treat me like you do them. I'm your WIFE and it's a completely different situation."

And yes, I think I mentioned - but neither of us really had any long-term relationships before we met each other - so again, this really is all new for both of us. I'm usually not one open to change - when it comes to my personality - but I'm really trying to be for the sake of both of us.

Again - other than the cleaning issue - and my wanting him to be more of a husband instead of treating me like one of the guys...honestly our relationship is fabulous! But I know everyone has their own issues and these two are ours. I'm trying to do what I can do to keep the communication flowing WITHOUT bugging and nagging and constantly saying "honey, we need to talk"...

Thing is, too, he's NOT one to show his feelings, like ever! So obviously that's a hurdle in our way - but he needs to get over that in order to keep true communication open between the two of us. I know it's harder, the older one is, to be open to change and realize they can't do what they've always done when it comes to another person - and yes, I know that's both him AND me.

And as for the "praise and recognition" - I'm NOT asking for it every night after I do dishes - but when I take the time to clean out the garage allll day - or I DO clean the house top to bottom on a sunday when he's gone - it'd be nice for him just to say "hey, thanks babe!" or - again just complement me every once in a while - like I told him, specifically, it'd be nice for him to tell me every once in a while "Hey, you really are doing great with the way you eat {I gave up sugar/refined carbs/processed foods last year} and you look incredible!" or "you really are doing GREAT sticking to your exercise program"...he knows these things are important to me, and it'd be nice to hear a complement about them every once in a while...

So we shall see. Thanks everyone for the engaging conversation about this!

I agree with prettyflowers comment 14-- sometimes it's just easier to split jobs and have one person in charge 100% of one thing, and the other person in charge 100% for another.  I really enjoy cleaning the kitchen, so that's my thing.  I'll gather up all our dishes throughout the day as we use them, and do them for us.  However, I hate doing the floors (sweeping, vac, mopping) and handling the trash, so that's his thing.  It eliminates any resentment-- I can't get mad about him leaving out plates or not rinsing dishes, because that's "my job."  Likewise, he can't get mad at me for overfilling the trashcan, because it's his job to keep on top of it.  Could you do a split like that, where you list the jobs that need to be done, and just each pick which ones you want to be in charge of?  Since it sounds like you do a lot of the heavy-duty cleaning, maybe he needs to take over some of the everyday light tidying (20 mins per day for him versus a couple hours on Sunday for you balances out)  Might not work for everybody, but it works for us.

the problem is, for "splitting out chores" he doesn't want to do that - as he thinks it should be a "joint effort" and that "splitting out chores" is something children do. yes I know he's so inredibly difficult! but i do love him. :)

Now, HE is the one who does the laundry - mainly because he's always done that HIS way and is particular on how it's done...BUT he's always asking me to help. So ok, I suggest that on sundays - when I'm already doing the grocery shopping, getting meals ready for the week, etc - that I will also do the laundry (split the chores) - his resonse "no, I'd rather you do it sometime during the week" UGH quit being so damn difficult! so I just let him do it. :p.

I don't think of splitting the chores as like something a child would do-- I think of it more as an adult response of learning to play to your own strengths, you know?  I'm good at cleaning the kitchen and like doing it, so the job gets done perfectly.  He's less focused on cleaning the stovetop and might leave some crumbs or spots around, so the job gets done not up to my level.  Why would I want to live with a half-assed result, just for the sake of having each task be a joint effort?  Especially since I'm weird and enjoy cleaning the kitchen!  ;)

Maybe it would help to make a list of all the things that need to be done, during the normal week, and approximate how much time they'd take. Maybe he doesn't realize that you actually are already taking care of a lot of things?  Doing the grocery shopping and getting meals ready for the week are big jobs, and should be recognized as a contribution to the upkeep of the household.  If Sunday is the day you like doing chores, he should adapt to that and not try to force you into his own chore schedule.

Ahhhhh, it's so much fun navigating the ins and outs of living with someone else!  :)

UM. DUH! (more projected at my husband, not you) lol - sorry...   yeah i AM constantly reminding him of all that I DO do. again - he just wants "supergirl/june cleaver"... :D

believe me, it's a work in progress - but at least we are both working at it.

Oh, and about the recognition thing-- there was a blog post on here before (maybe from Mrs. Penguin??) about getting recognition for "invisible" things you do around the house.  The poster said that a friend had taught her to leave a little stuff out, from the task you were working on, and make sure you completed it in front of him, to get "points" for doing the work.  So, for example, if one of your chores is mopping, leave the mop out until he gets home, and maybe ask him to put it away for you "honey, I cleaned all our floors today, could you stick the bucket back in the closet?"

I know it sounds bizarre, because living together isn't about keeping score, but it worked for the poster, and if your love language is Words of Affirmation, it might be helpful to at least give him hints of when he needs to say them. "WOW, JuneBride, these floors look great, thanks for keeping our house so sparkly and clean, now come over here and let's make out!"  hahahaa :)

@prettyflowers.

thanks for the reply! I totally get what you are saying - believe me, that's been my biggest issue is that I don't WANT to feel that he's changing me into something that I'm not.

HOWEVER with that being said - I do believe and always have believed in the fact that when you want to make someone happy / be in their life - you need to try and accomodate what they're asking for (as long of, as course, what you are doing isn't abusive or TAKING abuse / letting someone walk all over you - believe me, i don't believe in that at ALL.)

No - I don't want to be June Cleaver. Yes, he wants me to be, BUT he knows that is NOT going to happen. This is honestly just the one issue in our marriage that we are trying to work out right now - and it is about digging deeper and finding out what he expects/what I expect and how we can "compromise" for each other.

That's the point of this thread - while it may not be who I am or who I've been - the question is, is it WRONG to "change" for someone? The more and more I think about it - and believe me, being the fact that I'M the one changing from not being a clean freak to doing what I can in that department - yeah, it's hard...but marriage is not about being single anymore and doing things the way you did WHEN you were single - and that's what I'm coming to terms with.

HOWEVER - again, with THAT being said - the point is too that if I am willing to change my behaviors, HE has to be willing to as well. That's a huge thing with me is that it's a two-way street - NOT only about me changing my habits for him, but he has to be willing to change his habits for me - which he says he is, and is starting to try (well, I only really spoke this over with him last night, but it seemed that he was being overly dramatic about it last night, lol) but knowing him, I know he will try. Now I may have to remind him of this every now and again...and - I know that it'll be easier for ME to change than it will be for him - but I believe he's willing to work on what I'm asking him to do, knowing that I'm working on what he's asking me to do.

Yes, I'm a little reluctant to do this - again, changing behaviors from the way you always did something to the complete OPPOSITE of how you did things is NOT easy and a tiny part of my feels resentment...but I am also the kind of person that wants to figure out WHY I feel that...and from there do what I can NOT to feel that resentment anymore. I'm not one to believe by any means that I need to do what my husband "expects" me to do - but at the same time, marriage IS about compromise and doing things for each other, even if it's not something you've done before. again - to me - marriage changes both partners from a single person and the way they've done things to that "married couple" that needs to figure out what it is that each other wants in order to make that other person happy.