Post # 1
I have gone back and forth about having kids, but have always leaned toward having them. FH wants 2 and would be ok with three, and both of us are against having one (unless there are medical issues). So we agreed that we would have kids after a few years. Since we got married, I am having second thoughts about this, which is AWFUL. One of the things that really got me was a link on one of the threads here to the story of a woman who had a child and realized it was a horrible mistake. I keep freaking out about being pregnant (I have reliable contraception, just paranoid), which at this point I feel would be terrible (husband works 80 hours a week, we might have to spend a year doing long distance due to career issues), while FH says the timing would be less than ideal but we’d make it work. A lot of it (hopefully all of it) is probably the fact we have been so crazy busy and barely have enough time for ourselves. I have also had a ton of changes this year (big work change, bought a house, FH graduated, got engaged and planned a wedding in 4 months, got married, getting used to living together and sleeping together, etc.) The house is still nowhere near the shape we want. I feel so terrible because I don’t know what I want, and if I realize I don’t want kids, the options are
1. not have kids which is totally unfair to FH since that is what we agreed on prior to marriage
2. I suck it up and know that I am in for a long 18-20 years (hopefully the maternal gene will kick in, but I am not a baby person. I do much better with ages 2-5- at least they can talk to you. I would be happy to have my 3-year-old show up on the doorstep, but this is unrealistic since I don’t want to adopt.
Anyone else in these shoes or have any insights? I want to want to have kids.
Post # 3
I think you forgot the best option to take here. 3: talk to your husband, let him know how you’re feeling, and see what he says. Even if you decide you want to have kids, there is nothing that says you have to have them right now! I know it’s tough, but option 2 seems like a recipe for disaster. Good luck!
Post # 4
it sounds like you have way too much going on right now to have children!! slow down breathe and enjoy being married… it’s normal to be afraid and nervous! trust me! heck i am a mom and sometimes i wonder what in the world am i doing etc… well until my son calls my name and i melt and am putty
Post # 5
Do you HAVE to have kids right now? If not then don’t sweat it. If it happens it happens. You wouldn’t be given anything you cannot handle.
Post # 6
I would really not freak out about it right now. It sounds like this would be a kind of chaotic time for it anyways and you said that you both agreed that you’d wait a few years. Honestly I don’t know anyone who had a baby (planned or not) who regretted it.
We are kind of in an opposite situation. When we first started dating, I was dead set against children and FI really wanted 2. So we ignored the issue. We checked in with each other about 2 years later and then I was the one who kind of wanted kids and he was the one who didn’t heh. It is kind of scary to enter marriage not agreed upon this… but we both keep changing our minds so it doesn’t seem realistic to agree anyways. We both agree that we don’t want kids before 30, so we have agreed to reassess when we’re 29 (which is in 4 years).
I agree with the above… talk to your hub and see how he is feeling about things.
Post # 7
Definitely talk to your husband and find out how he is feeling on the issue. Communicate to him how you are feeling with life being so hectic, etc. Also, remember that you don’t have to have kids right now, and you don’t necessarily have to make a decision today. Maybe you and your husband could agree to reassess in a year. Have you considered adoption? There are plenty of children to love in the system that are past the baby stage!
Post # 8
I think that’s a normal thing as you go through the different phases of your life. FI and I started out wanting one more. I have a 12 year old daughter and he has two sons…19 and 24. Just this morning…he mentioned that he has been dreaming about us having 3 or 4…LOL. We are both flexible b/c we know a lot of it will depend on our health and my ovaries…I am 34..he is 42. Just keep the lines of communication open and keep checking in to see where your hubby is at.
Post # 9
I honestly think that right now you are just stressed because you have so many other things that have changed. Give it some time and either you will realize that you want them or maybe you will change your mind about adoption or maybe your husband will change his mind about wanting kids. Just talk to him about how you are feeling right now and then deal with the idea of kids later.
Post # 10
It might be considered “unfair” to your husband to not have children when you said you wanted them before getting married, but I think it would be more unfair to children to have them when you didn’t really want to! Recognize that you don’t have to make an ultimate decision right now. You know you don’t want kids RIGHT NOW but you’re just not sure about the future. And that’s okay. I would definitely say that you should talk to your husband and tell him that you definitely don’t want kids right now. I don’t think I would say anything yet about the possibility of never having them — it sounds like you’re under a lot of stress which is at least part of why you’re feeling this way. These conversations tend to be really emotional and involve a lot of would-you-leave-me-if-we-didn’t-have-kids and I don’t think it’s worth getting you both upset over it until you’re more sure that these feelings are just temporary and stress-induced.
As for now, it would be a really good idea to double up on birth control to help you feel more secure about not accidentally getting pregnant.
Post # 11
Are you under some sort of time crunch to have babies? It definitely doesn’t sound like right now is the time to have kids… Talk to him! Let him help ease your concerns.
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Revisit the issue… later. Things sound too hectic right now for you to be making any decisions as long-term as whether or not to have children. 🙂
Post # 13
Whoa, you have had a huge amount of change and instability in your life this year! Of course you are freaking out about the possibility of having children! You sound totally overwhelmed.
It is okay to feel overwhelmed. Start taking things one day at a time, and most of all let time be your friend. You need to let some dust settle before you go worrying yourself about potential children.
My guess is that after your life calms down, you will feel the same way about having children as you did before there were all these changes—that is to say, open to it and planning on it. And also, plenty of people who have kids are not baby people. Don’t panic, don’t make any rash decisions. I don’t know if you even need to have a protracted discussion about this right now, because I suspect that your concerns spring from all the other instability in your life, and your psyche is saying “no more.” As long as you don’t need to have kids right away, I would focus on settling in with the rest of your life first. ::hugs::
Post # 14
Yesterday we saw my sister-in-law who is pregnant and super excited. I mean, she was actually excited that she is now big enough she has to wear maternity pants. When we got home, we were discussing this and FH is concerned that I am not excited at all about having kids. While dating, I thought I wanted kids, but never showed excitement about it, so this isn’t new. We have had at least a dozen conversations with the following exchange:
Me: I’m not maternal.
FH (boyfriend or FI at the time): Yes you are.
Me: No, I’m really not.
I know part of the issue is that since we got married, he has found that his career will involve worse hours than we thought after he finishes training (probably about 60 and irregular) which has me worried that I will either have to not work as much as I want (40-45 hours a week) or we will be paying someone else to raise our kids. Plus, he will be working about 80 hours a week until I am 34 or 35, and we might have to move for his work to somewhere we have no friends or family, and while there, I will have to work at least 40 hours a week for financial reasons. I have a health condition that my gynecologist has recommended that I “have all the kids I plan on having by 35” and we want 2. I don’t see how this can work since I would be raising kids practically alone and that makes me want to have kids even less. I agree with the advice to not worry about it now, but it’s hard when FH is expressing concern.
Post # 15
oh honey… I know exactly how you feel.. I grew up in a family of 6 kids, and my fiance in a family of five kids. Growing up, I always thought I wanted a plethora of children… then I became a full time live in nanny, and I was like the kids’ mom since she was never there with them, after 11 months I couldn’t handle it anymore and quit – but it has scared me so badly. I told my fiance that I DO NOT want kids… and I know that my experience being a nanny is nothing near what my experience being a mother will be… but I did tell my fiance that I definitely don’t want kids for a long time, I want to adjust to life without kids first… but I knew it wasn’t fair telling my fiance that, when he got engaged to me I had told him I wanted four children, and that’s all he wanted in life, was to be a father. It meant more to him than anything in the world, he wants to be a dad so badly (ten times more than I desire to be a mom)…
anyway, sorry it’s long..but I know how you feel. It’s totally natural to second-guess yourself. Becoming a mother is a HUGE commitment, and you want to be sure you’re ready.
I agree with the other girls, just wait a bit… you and your hubby should be in complete unison – and it isn’t a good idea to have him away for a year while you have a child either…
I’m sure it will all work out splendidly love 🙂
Post # 16
I wholeheartedly agree with everyone that says – don’t worry about it now. Wait. Even if you are older (which you didn’t mention), I’m sure you can afford to wait at least two years to see how your life shakes out. Right now seems way too busy for a baby, but when everything settles, you might feel differently.
On the topic of not being maternal: My mom is not very maternal. She doesn’t hate kids by any means, but she’s not very interested in most other people’s children, and she’s not Mary Poppins with kids – except hers. When I have expressed concerns that I am not maternal because I don’t feel drawn to children and get impatient with them, she always tells me that she was like that with other people’s kids and still is, but with her own children, it was totally different. She was a fabulous mother growing up and I know we are her pride and joy.
Having said that, some moms have postpartum depression and don’t bond immediately with their children like my mom did… but that happens to women that desperately wanted children and love children just as much as to those who don’t. And even though that’s a risk you take, its a small one, and women overcome postpartum all the time and go on to love motherhood.
So my point is: Don’t let your lack of maternal instincts or drive keep you from having a family, if you think you want one.