Changing my Name

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

No, you’re not being unreasonable.  I think maintaining your heritage and your identity – something that is clearly very, very important to you – is more important than adhering to a widespread  tradition that your FI thinks is important.  EDIT: Not that his feelings are any less important.  🙂

I would not make it a “big deal” per say, but if I felt as strongly as you seem to feel, I would not be budging on my position.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  LMD.
Post # 3
8677 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Me changing my name was incredibly important to my husband. I don’t think he would have actually gone through with marrying me if i told him I wouldn’t change my name. It’s just that important to some people. However, your identity is also a product of women in your family tree changing their name, so that’s some food for thought. Ultimately you’ll need to talk this over with him and see if there is a compromise of some sort. But, unfortunately, it might be something neither of you are going to budge on… and so you’ll need to figure out the consequences for both of you with that as well.

Post # 4
1473 posts
Bumble bee

It’s your name, your choice. But if it were me, I’d probably see if I could reach a compromise. Maybe hyphenating or keeping my maiden name as a middle name. 

You have to think about what your future children’s last names will be as well. (If you decide to have children)

Post # 5
42135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

What would be his response if you asked him to change his name to your name or to a mutually agreed upon last name, so you both had to change?

Sometimes if you have that discussion, men gain some insight into how women feel when it is “assumed” we will change our last name.

Post # 6
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. The notion of this being important to a man, of him making a fuss if his wife doesn’t take his last name, is so offensive. And I’m no feminist! Personally, I really don’t care about my own name, I would have happily taken my DH’s last name. But if you care, then you have every right to keep your name and everybody else can suck it. Or why doesn’t he take your name? I find it offensive also that he tried using a religious argument for what is certainly just his own pig-headed preference. Jerk move, dude.

I think men who hold this opinion have very poor attitudes about flexibility, independence, and overall reasonableness — it’s a flagship issue that speaks poorly of other elements of their characters. But, then, I also judge Catholics poorly and I would never marry one of them, either! So I’m sorry I don’t have any pointers to offer you, just encouragement to stick to your guns and keep your identity! Good luck.

Post # 7
5815 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

janellephant:  Tell him to change his name to yours…

Post # 8
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Honestly, it was very important to my husband that I take his name.  We are both fairly conservative, but I am a highly educated professional with a career, so it is not like I just do what I am told.  My husband is kind and loving and treats me with respect.  I honestly did not mind honoring him by taking his name.  My compromise requirement was that I keep my maiden name as my middle name and the I use both names professionally.  On all my work correspondence, I am now Jane Smith Doe, whereas before I was just Jane Smith.  Sometimes it is just ok to be traditional.  It doesn’t make you any less a woman.

Marriage is about compromise.  I would look for one here that makes you both happy.  Everything isn’t always equal in marriage, and there may be some other area that he will go with your wishes if you go with him here.  JMO.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  NavyBee.
Post # 9
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

janellephant:  keep your name.  it is really important to you and it’s your name.  I am keeping my name.  Yes, my husband initially wanted me to add his last name after mine.  I went a bit feminist and didn’t understand why I should change my last name after marriage if he wouldn’t do the same.  so I asked him to add my last name to his if he wanted me to do that.  he really really didn’t want to add my last name to his.  I told him that I respected that and that he shouldn’t have to do anything to his name that he didn’t like – just like I shouldn’t.

within a couple months of those discussions, he is now fine with it.

there’s one article out there that posts results of a study/survey showing that women who change their last names are hired less frequently, make less per month, are viewed as more emotional, more dependent, and less smart.  That article and its information helped me stick to what I wanted for my own name.  It is a shame and I don’t think ppl should be judged on whether they change their names or not, but that type of information can be helpful and give you the confidence you need to remember that nobody else gets to tell you what to do with your own name (not even your fiance).  and really? nobody should want to.  I wouldn’t force someone to change their name either or try to push them into it against what they wanted for themselves.

Post # 10
1970 posts
Buzzing bee

janellephant: Count me in with the “Keep your name and tell him that if having a single family name is so important then he may change his last name to yours” crowd.  Good luck!

Post # 11
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

janellephant:  No you’re not. How about him changing his? 

Also I am Christian, and it annoys me slightly (ok a lot) when people try to tell me it’s Biblical for a woman to take that last name of the man. I ask for scriptual proof, and they cannot find any because it’snot Biblical….it’s just made up and tradition. So his point there doesn’t stick

I always thought it be a good , no GREAT, idea if the new family (husband and wife) created their own family name to signify a new family unit, and they both change their name. 

Most men will say they can’t change their name because that is part of their identity and they want the whole family to be the same, but somehow we forget the woman’s identity that is lost in all this.  (small rant)

Post # 12
183 posts
Blushing bee

janellephant:  what is the other option? Just give in because it will make him happy? What if you begin to resent him for it later. I think if he cares about your feelings and respects you, he should understand and let you make that decision for yourself. If it was the other way around and he was expected to change his name but wasnt comfortable with it, would you pressure him?

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Mango817.
Post # 13
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

janellephant:  I had a tough time with my name. My FI assumed I would be keeping my name (and had no problem with it). His point of view was- I wouldn’t want to change my name, why would I ask you to change yours? Still, part of me wanted us to have the same last name to be united as a family. Dropping my middle name isn’t an option because I was named after my Tutu and we are incredibly close. Also, many states don’t allow a second middle name, so that may not be an option for you, just so you know. Our names together as a portmanteau were pretty bad. Eventually, we decided we would both change our names to mylastname-hislastname. It will be 12 letters long. FI said if it’s good enough for Jay Z and Beyonce, then it is good enough for him! Or maybe we will just keep our own names- we go back and forth, lol.

In the end, you need to do what you are comfortable with- good luck!

Post # 14
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

janellephant:  It’s your name!

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