(Closed) Changing my name is emotionally harder than I thought.

posted 7 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Umm… yes and no.  I legally changed my name and added my maiden name to my middle name without dropping the middle name.  It’s weird.  I don’t feel like Mrs. xxx but it is what it is.  Eventually I will get used to it.  This is the traditional thing to do.  How old are you?  I’m almost 30 so I’ve had my maiden name for quite a while.  It’s sad letting go of my old name, but change isn’t always easy.

Post # 4
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Yeah, I’m struggling with this, too. I am getting married in January and starting to feel very bittersweet about losing my last name. I have decided to keep my current middle – which is my mother’s maiden name, and also the town in Norway where my family is from, so I want to keep it. I know it means a lot to my fiance for me to change my name to his, but it’s hard to think of letting go of something that has been a huge part of me & my life.

Post # 5
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

This was a major reason why we were not married sooner.

I am forty years old and have been Tootietoo2 all of my life. I was married before, but I didn’t change my name because I felt so strongly about it.

My father’s family is notorious for having boys. I was the first (and only) woman born in the family in FOUR GENERATIONS and was quite celebrated upon my arrival. I grew up with brothers and while I have several female cousins on my mothers side, I was the only girl in my dad’s family.

Finally, my brother had a daughter 12 years ago and the “curse” was broken because two more cousins had daughters after that so I was no longer the only woman in the family born into the name. Ironically, that made it “okay” to consent to changing my name.

My niece met FI for the first time & asked, “May I call you Uncle Tootie’s Man?” Fi replied that he couldn’t be her uncle until I married him & that couldn’t happen until I agreed to change my name. I explained how I had been the only girl with the name for so long and my niece replied, “It’s okay; there are three of us with the name now so you can change yours. We’ll keep it safe.”

I’m still not thrilled with the idea of changing my name, but I feel better about it and FI is absolutely thrilled!

Post # 6
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

If it hurts you to change it then don’t.  There really is no reason anymore, since the tradition came from when you became ‘property’ of his, so really, it’s not like you’re thumbing your nose at a good tradition, you know?  If it would upset you or make you feel like you are losing a part of yourself I doubt that someone that loves you would want you to feel like that! Your hubby isn’t going to ask you to so drastically change your identity if it is emotionally negative for you. 🙂

Post # 7
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i havent changed my name and have no plans to – it wasnt even on the table to be discussed with my husband and my mother was the most shocked about it

my hubby doesnt care what name i use

Post # 8
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I am not planning to change my name either.  I am sure when we eventually have kids I will be “Mrs ….” for everything kid related, but that is fine with me.

Post # 9
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think it’s all about figuring out if this is nerves and seperation anxiety from your old name, or if it feels wrong because it is wrong for you.  There are tons of us on here that fit into both camps.  I’m not married yet, but I knew from the absolute force of emotion I felt at the idea of changing my name that it was not and would never be the right choice for me.  If that’s the case for you, that’s okay.  You don’t HAVE to change your name, and if you’re doing it because someone else makes you feel that way then maybe it is best to seriously reconsider that decision.

But just feeling sad and wistful and awkward about the transition doesn’t mean that you’re making the wrong decision.  I think a lot of women, even women who are at the same time really excited to take their husband’s name, feel that way.  It’s a big change.  It’s responding to something new, and losing connection with something old.  Life is full of change and it’s always difficult.  It’s your choice whether for you it’s a difficult but worthwhile transition or something that upsets you and is just not worth doing.

Post # 10
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

It was really hard for me when I was “between names”–after getting married, before doing all the paperwork for the name change. I felt a lot better once I got all of the paperwork taken care of and I finally had only one name. I wasn’t totally on board with the name change thing at first, but it was a lot easier on me once I finally did it and stopped thinking about it. Now I only occasionally accidentally call myself by my maiden name. 😉

Post # 11
Member
1775 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

This was super hard for me- still is!  I went to MyFirst MyMiddle MyMaiden HisLast, still going by my maiden name professionally, and everywhere else MyFirst MyMaiden HisLast (like Hilary Rodham Clinton).  I totally miss being a “Maiden” and cringe when I hear MyFirst HisLast (it’s not me!) or we are called the “HisLasts.”  I am not sure if this is normal or I just have severe issues.

Post # 12
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

It’s  not severe issues, guitargirl!  Sometimes – and I know some women act like this is never, ever, ever true for them – its okay to be a bit sad or resentful at the fact that you have to assimilate a new identity.  Add to that the hubby has to do nothing and it can be a little tough.  It’s okay to get upset about it and honestly, I changed my name with my first marriage.  I wouldn’t do it again, though.  It wasn’t me.  I’m not comfortable ‘becoming’ a new person while my partner stays the same.  It feels ‘wrong’ to me somehow that in my wonderful, 50/50 relationship I have to then make this huge sacrifice and cease to be the person that I am and give that up in order to show that I am his.  It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I learned from the first time that I wouldn’t get used to it or learn to love it.  We were no less a couple with different names and we were no less a family with different names.  The only way I would change mine now is if my bf were to take my last name as well.  To me, thats the only way to honor our equal partnership of a relationship while adhering to a name change.

Post # 13
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

YEP  I have to get everything changed too, and it makes me want to cry.  I have to go probably tomorrow to the social security office. I am going to keep my card at home to keep it for a souvenir so it won’t be destroyed. I can’t bear that.  I am 30 as well.

Post # 14
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My maiden name is VERY common, and my hubby’s last name is not common at all. I was so excited about getting a new last name, but it hasn’t been as easy as i had thought.  I keep wanting to write my maiden name….after all i’ve been using it for 43 years.  Its a struggle that i never thought i would deal with.

Post # 15
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I haven’t legally changed my last name and probably never will. Once my grandfather and biological mother are gone, that’s it. I’m the last one with our name.

But, I live in the south, so everyone attaches my husband’s last name to mine. Even the bank and car insurance employees call me Mrs. HisLast. I’ve been married for a little over a year, and I’m only 24, it’s still a little weird to be called Mrs.

I agree with luckypricess–if it’s going to hurt you so much to change your name, don’t do it.

 

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