Changing name

posted 3 years ago in Traditions
Post # 3
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@elleish8705:  Girl I am in the SAME boat. Only with one added kicker – his dad died when he was 12 and he’s the last living dude. But his name is pretty ugly. Not like Mr. Childmolester but it’s pretty ugly. 

The truth is there is no real compromise in my situation. I’m not open to hypenating either. People suggest making your maiden name your middle name and takign his last name – but that’s not really a compromise. You’re giving up your last name all the same. 

I’m torn. Plus I have a ton of monogrammed stuff 🙂

Post # 4
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I changed mine. I can’t give you much advice because I knew I always wanted to since I felt that would further unify my husband and I, but honestly it isn’t often I see mail, invites, etc with Mr. First Name Last Name and no me, so I would throw that reason out the door.

Changing your name doesn’t mean you have to lose your identity unless you let it, but either way hopefully you will be happy with your decision. To me it is just a name.

Post # 5
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

If you don’t really have a compelling reason not to switch, I would switch. I feel like most of your arguments are for the taking of his last name so if it doesn’t bother you that much go for it girl! Good luck deciding 🙂

Post # 6
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@elleish8705:  In exactly the same boat, no strong reasons not to switch.  But taking his last name feels like giving up a piece of who I am.  

I also worry about having a different last name than my children.  Growing up my mother had a different last name than my siblings and I, I always liked her side of the family more than my dad’s side so I never liked that people couldn’t automatically tell I was related to her and the rest of her family.

Pretty torn on this issue personally.  Right now I feel like I will default to keeping my name though.

ETA: Actually feeling like it is giving up a part of me is a strong reason.  And there are some reasons linked to feminism and equality as well that feel important to me.

Post # 7
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I changed mine in my last marriage. I loved that we were a family unit and I loved that when we had kids all of us had the same last name. 

When I was growing up my mom had a different last name than I did and it always felt weird. She was always having to explain who she was to me. I never had to do that. I would just tell people my name and because my kids have the same last name it was automatically assumed? 

Plus I think in the instances of, god forbid, anything happened to my kids or my spouse and someone was trying to get ahold of me at work or something. If someone knew I worked at X place and called to get ahold of Jane Smith. (Smith being my spouses’ last name.) I could see there being confusion because “Jane Smith doesn’t work here.” Really because Jane Smith is really Jane Jones and 10 other Jane’s work there. 

Idk, I’m currently having this issue as I am engaged and I still have my ex’s last name. I kept it because my children share the same last name, but now that I am creating a new family until I’m conflicted as to what to do. 


Post # 8
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I was going to just add his last name to the end of mine so my name would have been – My first, my middle, maiden, his last -and I would just sign everything with my first, his last. BUT…  When I mentioned it to him he was a little sad and made some comment about how I changed it for my previous husband. Touche, I’m dropping my last for him 😉

Post # 9
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@elleish8705:  You pretty much summed up exactly how I feel about it, too.  I keep asking my fiance to change his name, but he doesn’t want to (fair enough, I don’t really want to either)!  I have no advice or suggestions (sorry, I wish I did because that would mean I could make up my mind), but I’m curious to see what you decide because I’ll be in your position four months from now. Good Luck!

Post # 10
10906 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Obviously, only you and your FI can make this choice. However, I likely am one of the Hive’s strongest advocates for making the formal, traditional name change where you would go from, for example:

Jane Emily Smith


Jane Smith Doe

This type of name change, which I personally did and which my own mother and at least one of my grandmothers and one of DH’s grandmothers had done, allows you to take your husband’s name, share the same name as any future children, while retaining a clear connection to your family of origin.

I was a very independent, 47-year-old woman who had had a 25-year career in my maiden name by the time I finally met the right man and decided to marry.  I absolutely LOVE that my new name contains the most significant part of my maiden name (first and last names) while also showing that I am now married and have my DH’s last name,

In my opinion, this type of name change makes the transition of a name change so much easier, because people can clearly see that Jane Smith Doe is the person they always knew as Jane Smith. There really is no visual clue that Jane Doe is the person who used to be Jane Smith. My transition worked so well in my former office that one of my coworkers, who dropped her maiden name and kept her given middle name, actually began signing all of her e-mails with her first, maiden, and new last names, because it just made sense to her to do that, even though her maiden name is not even part of her new, legal name. Likewise, very few of my own friends changed their names in the manner in which I did.  However, many of them have chosen to list their names in this manner on facebook.

I like having my legal name be the name that I use professionally.  I also do not mind at all when people who know me only through my DH simply refer to me by my first and last names.  However, when I write or sign anything, I use all three names, and all three  names are on my passport, driver’s license, checks, and credit cards, etc.

You may want to consider this.

Post # 11
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@elleish8705:  Here is an option – do not give up any of your names.  Just add a 4th!


Seriously though, I have four legal names.  My last name became my second middle name.  I took his last name.  I do what Hillary Clinton did and I can do all sorts of name signatures:


Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton


Hillary Rodham Clinton


Hillary D. Rodham Clinton


Hillary D. R. Clinton


Hillary Clinton


I can throw in my maiden name whenever I want.  My work email and Facebook say Hillary Rodham Clinton.  On checks I usually do that or say Hillary D. R. Clinton.

I was married before and I did NOT change my name.  I was like spitting fire-mad about changing my name.  This time it’s just so different for me.  I want to have the same last name as my husband.  I found a way to keep a little of me and to be a new me.

Post # 12
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@sienna76:  This is what I plan on doing! I don’t want to lose my last name, and I originally thought about hyphenating, but my last name is already fairly long. I don’t want to just replace my middle name, I like how my name sounds right now. And I want to take SO’s name so we will share a family name (him taking my name isn’t an option, he’s a Junior and I now it’s important to him). So I’ll just have 4 names and leave it at that!

Post # 13
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@pineapplez17:  Fun!  I literally decided last minute while sitting at the SSN office’s window.  I just said, “How are is it to do two middle names?”  She said no hard at all (the form did not really make it look like it was possible).  So we did it right there.  It all fit on my SS card and my driver’s license even though I have 7 letters in all 4 names.


When I was updating my email at work, the system only allowed for one middle initial so I had to with the 1st middle name.


Post # 14
917 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’m adamant about keeping my OWN name (and FI has no issue with it). If you’re feeling sentimental about your name, perhaps keep yours legally but use his socially? One of my good friends growing up had parents who didn’t share a last name (who are married to one another to this day). We called her mom Mrs. Dad’sLastName for YEARS until we figured it out in high school. She never got mad, never corrected us, but kept her name legally and professionally. We call her Mrs. HerLastName now. It’s a sensitive issue, but I say go with your heart. Another friend of mine has said she’ll “maybe change it someday.” She’s been married nearly 4 years. She still hasn’t done it, but hasn’t completely closed the door on the issue. 

Post # 15
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@sienna76:  Oh good, if you have 7 letters in each name, then my names will all fit too! I have:

5 letters, 6 letters, 9 letters, 6 letters

so 2 fewer total letters than you lol

Post # 16
8850 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I agree with everything you said (except my FI doesn’t care if I switch names).  I hate hyphenated names and I like the idea of our future family all having the same name. BUT, it feels weird to give up my name, especially after being together for 13 (!) years without doing so yet.  I feel like my liberal feminist friends are going to judge me.  Or worse, people will be like “Oh she’s so pathetic, she waited 13 years to get married and then couldn’t wait to change her name.”  But that’s probably just in my head – my friends or family know this was mutual and I have NOT been sitting around waiting for him to ask me for 13 years…

But, I’ll probably switch it anyway.  I think I’ll do MyName MyLastName HisLastName as my legal name but go by his socially.  I do think it’s kind of “post-feminist” to be able take his name and it doesn’t mean you’re a 1950s subjugated housewife.

Just wanted to say you’re not alone!


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