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I think that it is very considerate of you to want to do this for your FH. I also think that his family sounds wonderful, as they are leaving it up to you basically. I can see where it would sometimes be aggrivating (i.e. your children will not have the same name as you). I also think that most people will assume that your last name is the same as your husbands, only because it is not common in the U.S. I would do what makes you happy.
I am still not sure what would make me most happy!
And if I do use the female version, any girls we have will also have that last name. :) And the boys will have the male one.
But yes, it will cause a lot of confusion in the Western world...
What have other women in his family/other Russian women in your area done? Do they tend to follow Russian tradition or 'Western' tradition?
Gotcha... this is all very interesting to me. Does you FH mother have the female version of his fathers name?
Well, everyone other than his immediate family lives in Russia so of course they have followed the tradition.
Personally, I have not met very many Russian people (although, I can think of some who do have the female surname, but they immigrated here). I was browsing Russian groups on Facebook to look at girls' names (so lame-- I know!) and my search is inconclusive. It seems to be split about 50%.
And yes, his mother and sisters have the female version.
He really doesn't mind either way. At first I was adamant about keeping the male name, and he teases me sometimes about taking the female name, but it is really all in good fun and he will be fine with whatever I choose.
Although, choosing the female name would be extra special for him, I'm sure... but that is not a good reason for me to do it!
well have you thought about when you guys have kids, what would you want your kids last name to be? Either way i think they sound both very similar..
Hmm... as I mentioned before, if I take the female name then any girls we have will also have that name, and the boys will have the male name. I think I would be OK with this.
I also have a soft spot for female-sounding surnames (ie. names that end in "a") since I have one now, so to keep one and give our (future) daughters a female surname is aesthetically pleasing to me.
I feel like that is also influencing my decision... ahh so many factors!!!
This is totally just my opinion, but if one of the things holding you back from taking the female version is that you won't have the same name...you will have the same name - it's just a different form of the same thing. You might have to deal with people occasionally calling you by the male version or asking you about the difference - but that is also a great opportunity to educate them about Russian traditions. If you don't take the female version, you might have to deal with Russians questioning your family name. But again, this is just my opinion...
What if you legally took the -skaya, but socially went by -sky?
I had no idea this was still an active tradition in Russia! I love old Russian literature (translated into English, haha, my Russian is terrible!), and always loved the way names derive in Russian culture :)
That is true, we will still have the same last name, although it may not seem that way to outsiders.
If I did change it, I wouldn't mind if socially people called me by "Bozadsky", because I think that would be considered the family name anyway, and Bozadskaya would just be for the females... what I'm trying to say is that we'd still be the "Bozadsky family" like the "Smith family" or "Jones family".
Hmm this option is getting really temping now!
If you would still be considered the the "smith family" than leave the male version. If your husband and in laws are cool with it then go for it.
My sister married a man from the Czech Republic, and ran into a similar dilemma. What she ended up doing is legally becoming the female version but is known by her husbands name.
They moved to Slovakia a few years back so it's not as confusing for her anymore. Should they move back to the States, I'm sure there will be a transition.
I personally would go with tradition.
Good luck!
I would just take the male version, because you are going to be living in North America. If you lived in Russia or were Russian by heritage yourself, then I would say go for upholding the Russian naming tradition if you want to---but you are not Russian and you live in North America, so I would use the local custom, which is to share the same name. Unless you feel really strongly about upholding the Russian system, I would prefer the path of least resistance, which would be to go with local custom. If you were ever in Russia, you could always go by the female version if you wanted to.
It's not really a tradition, it's simply a difference in the grammar of the language. In Russian a lot more words have genders than in English so you 'conjugate' the word with the gender whenever appropriate.
My family immigrated from Russia and when we became citizens and had the opportunity to easily change the legal names my mom and sister dropped the 'a' from their names so that the three of them (with my dad) have the same name but it sounded weird to me to be known by a male name so I kept my 'a' and so for the past 15 years I've had a difference last name from the rest of my family, because that's what seemed right and 'mine' to me.
It was never a big problem thought sometimes you have to clarify or note it or whatever. Also plenty of Russian emigrees change their names to the same one for convinience sake. I didn't because it didn't feel right.
Do whatever you think feels right.
I have the same problem. I'll have a polish name - the male version is Godewski, the female Godewska. Slavic female names always end with an "-a", (eg. it would never be Anne but Anna). The last name always ends with an "-a", look how beautiful "Anna Kurnikova" sounds instead of "Anne Kurnikov" - haha. ;)
I love the female-name sound. And I would LOVE to get Godewska as my last name (my first name also ends with an -a), but it's not possible. The people at the civil registry office say I can only get it if I have a polish passport.
I actually could get one, but it's a lot of bureaucracy and additional costs and I actually don't need a polish passport... so I'll go with the other option and take "Godewski".
I think that living in America, it would probably be difficult to change the name to something different than your husband's name. I would go with his name since then everyone in the family has the same name.
How cool, I think you should definitely go with the feminine version. That's the point of taking his name, right, joining his family? And in his family, the women have -skaya. So taking the masculine version defeats the purpose of changing your name at all, imo. Plus, you like the -a sound better, that's a great reason! And so many people have different surnames in families now; it's hardly going to be more confusing than your typical blended family. The only thing is to not care when people mess it up. I'm keeping my name, but if people call me Mrs B I'll answer happily!
I actually never thought about the legal issues regarding this; that perhaps I wouldn't be able to do it anyway because we live here and I'm not from Russia!
I will definitely have to look into it. And yes, it is so so so much prettier the female way!
And my FMIL has Bozadska legally, but goes by -skaya socially. Perhaps changing one letter would be less of a problem and maybe even less of a jump for me!
@Arachna, yes, I know it is a grammatical thing but everyone does it for that reason so it is kind of like a "tradition", or something everyone just does-- that's why I called it that. :)
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My fiance is from a Russian background, and Russian women take the female version of their husband's last name.
I am not Russian, and I am undecided of whether I will take his (male) version of the last name, or use the female version. Him and his family don't seem too concerned about whatever I choose, however part of me feels compelled to follow the tradition and keep some of his heritage in our family.
However, we live in North America where this male/female surname difference is not commonplace. Here is an example of the difference (name changed for privacy sake):
Male: Bozadsky
Female: Bozadskaya
My other concern is that if I take the male version, I will always feel for the rest of my life that I have a male last name!
What would you do? What do you think I should do? Anyone have a similar surname dilemma? Thank you in advance for your comments and input :)