Post # 1
Hi everyone. I have been thinking alot about changing my last name. I really don’t want to. I love my FI but I don’t see why I have to change my last name to his. I’ve talked to him about it and he has the very traditional idea that I must take his name. My name has been mine for the past 27 years, I love it, and it is part of who I am. Does anyone else not want to change their name and how does your FI feel about it?
Post # 3
I’m not changing mine. His is very common and mine isn’t- plus I really love my name. It’s just different and fits with my first name.He used to have a problem with it but I’ve been telling him about it since day 1 so he is used to it by now. We have compromised though- instead of giving the children a hyphenated name they can just have his
Post # 4
I think Josalyn has a good compromise. Keep your last name but give your kids his, or perhaps hyphenate your kids’ last name? I’m a traditional gal so I took my husband’s last name, but I also love my maiden name because it’s so unique and meaningful to me. So what I did was I turned my maiden name into my middle name and then took my hubby’s last name. That way I still have my maiden name and my hubby’s last name, but without the hyphenating.
Hopefully your FI will come to an understanding. I know my FI was adamant about me changing my last name, but I was already ok with that. Just talk with him about it and maybe you two can come up with a nice compromise. Good luck!
Post # 5
Mrs. Biscuit, add my voice in the chorus of those who support whatever you choose to do with your name. I’m not changing my name for a host of reasons, from professional to personal to political, to sentimental and emotional. Basically, it’s MY NAME and it’s who I am. It’s very rare and my family and its history is very special to me. In the (not so) distant past, it was traditional that a woman change her name to signify a husband now subsuming her identity and property under his authority. I don’t feel comfortable following that patriarchal practice (even if it may represent something different today). Sadly, the pressure to change one’s name comes from other women as much as it comes from men. I just find it slightly sad and hilarious when women say to me, "Oh, won’t it be so exciting to change your name!" I usually respond with, "Why would it be exciting to change who I am?" I just think there are other ways to express our partnership than my changing my name.
If a woman wants to, I’m not going to call her anti-feminist or anything. It’s all about personal choice. But I just feel very sad when a woman doesn’t want to change it, and her partner pressures her to do it. Gender equity is an important part of our relationship, so it wasn’t even a point of discussion: I just said to my FI, "If you expect me to change my name, then think about how you would feel if I made the same demand of you. I’m not going to do it and there is no discussion." In addition to the many reasons I won’t do it, one reason is that his last name is the equivalent of "smith" in the Spanish-speaking world and in the U.S. We’ll probably hyphenate the names of the kids. It’s a total non-issue between us.
Many of my friends hyphenate, and they BOTH hyphenate, so it’s an equal partnership in the forging of a new family and identity. I don’t even want to do that — that’s how much I love my name!
Post # 6
It’s definitely a personal decision and whether you choose to change or not, it’s no reflection of how much you love your FI! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Would you be mad/offended that FI isn’t taking your name? No? Then why shouldn’t it go both ways?
I’m not changing mine and we are both happy with my decision. (To be honest, I wouldn’t marry a guy who demanded I take his name–but that’s because I feel strongly about it and would imagine that any guy with whom I was serious would recognize that!)
Go with your heart; I’m sure your FI will support whatever decision you make. And if you change you mind down the road, you can always change it back to yours/to his/go by one or the other socially, etc.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
I’m not changing my name. My fiance is totally cool with it. He wants me to do whatever I want to do. Actually, if he had his way, we would BOTH change our names to something entirely different. Sounds way too complicated to me! I’m sure if you let your FI know how important it is to you, he’ll come around.
Post # 8
I agree with everything said here! For me, it’s also an egalitarian issue — I feel that we would be starting our marriage out on uneven footing if I were to give up my name as I’ve known it all my life while he didn’t have to do a thing. When he is willing to change his name to adopt part of mine, I will be willing to change my name to adopt part of his. It’s a both-or-neither thing. My FI did ask me to take his name, but I explained my reasons for keeping my own name and he won’t push me to do something I don’t want to. He seems willing to discuss both of us changing our names, which is only fair if it’s that important to him that we share our names. I’m not exactly what format we’d take (if we even used the exact same format) though, but we have time to think about it.
I’ve had a few surprised/snarky/incredulous comments (almost all of them from women) about it, but I just let them roll off my back. I suppose it helps that I don’t see sharing a name as indicative of a couple’s love or unity. It also helps that I’ve always planned to keep my name, so it’s not like I really need convincing.
I hope that you and your fiance can come to a workable resolution, Mrs.Biscut 🙂 But in the end, it is YOUR name and you should do what YOU want to do with it!
Post # 9
I’m not sure I’d be ok with my FI forcing me to do anything, much less bascially changing my identity. I’ve been married 10 months and have hyphenated professionally and done nothing else with my name, mainly because I don’t trust my work travel office. I feel it’s a personal choice. And I totally agree with the poster above: would he change his name if you felt strongly that he should? No? Then why should you give up your identity just because it makes him feel better. But I’m also a strong person and my husband loves that about me … some haven’t in the past. To each is own, but remember that you’re your own person and this is one of many things that is going to come up that you and your hubby are going to have to compromise on.
Post # 10
Mrs. Biscuit, I feel the same way. I felt very strongly about not changing my name, though my FI is also pretty traditional. I have a very Italian name, and it really represents who I am. Also, for professional reasons, I am reluctant to change it. I wound up crying my eyes out one afternoon in my attempt to explain my rationale to him. He felt awful seeing me cry, and said if it meant that much to me, I should just keep my name! Not that I’m recommending crying, but do your best to explain it to him. I have also agreed that our kids can take his last name, and I have no problem with that. Changing my name has been the most emotionally charged part of my engagement!
Post # 11
Post # 12
It’s kinda funny and I’ve laughed about my name when and if I change last name to his. I swear, people will think I’m some lesser known character from the Sopranos!