(Closed) Changing your SO

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
1421 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I taught my FH how to better manage his finances. He now is able to save for bigger ticket things and he is so proud of himself. It’s pretty rewarding to watch from my end too!

FH has helped to teach me not to be afraid to stick up for myself.  I used to be a pretty used doormat, but I’m getting better each and every day. 🙂

Post # 4
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

We’re not married but I now have him making the bed before leaving the bedroom if he’s the last one in bed (our guideline is that whoever gets out of bed last makes the bed).  The neatness could be improved but I’ll wait a couple months.  

Post # 5
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t like the word “changing” I prefer the word “teaching” lol.

I helped Fiance get a lot more positive about when his team loses (sniff sniff, maybe next year, Leafs!). He’s taught me so much about hockey I actually CARED when they lost! 


Post # 6
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think we’ve both helped the other be more patient. I’ve helped him plan better and he’s helped me not be so Type A.

Post # 7
2269 posts
Buzzing bee

@LMD:  I did the same.

I also taught him how to cook, clean (his parents are extremely disorganized near-hoarders) and how to be more social.

I essentially raised him.. 

Post # 8
1285 posts
Bumble bee

No. I’ve never tried or will attemt to change my Fiance. We came into our relationships from prevoius ones and decided to be “ourselves” and see how each other would react.  We fell in love with each other – that’s how we want to remain.  Common sense tells one another on how to do things around the house – if something needs to be done, one of us will do it.  I’m not going to change him to take out the garbage, if he sees it needs emptied, or I see it needs emptied, it shall be done.  I’m not a whip snapper.  Neither is he.


I believe changing someone changes your relationship – common sense sets the  part of doing things around the house, not changing the person.


Post # 9
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

After nearly four years of living together, he’s gotten marginally better about not leaving a trail of spare change, crumpled up receipts, and dirty socks in his wake every night.

I can proudly say I’m now slightly better at not hyperventilating while picking up said dirty socks, spare change, and stupid-crumply-receipts-that-should-have-gone-directly-into-a-trashcan-and-not-in-his-pockets-in-the-bloody-first-place each morning.

Tongue Out

Post # 11
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I know people say this, but what they really mean is don’t try to change him against his will. Fiance and I have been working on some major changes in him for years, and we’re slowly succeeding. His social anxiety has been reduced quite a bit. We made big strides on dealing with his depression (found a vitamin mix that helps a lot). Current area of improvement that we’re working on is trying to get him to be less of a people pleaser and realize that doing what he ‘thinks’ others want from him doesn’t make him happy, and often doesn’t make them happy either.

I’ve had my claws in him since he was 16 so being together has changed us both a lot because we were already in a time of transition. I’m just glad that I have the influence I do because it helps me counter some of the messed-up things his parents have drilled into his head. I’ve asked him about it, and he’s glad that I’ve changed him the way I have because he likes who he is today, and is sure he wouldn’t like who he would  have been without me. 

 I do push him to change things, but the things I push are things that already make him unhappy. I love him the way he is, but if there is a way to make him happier I’ll try to get him there because he deserves to be as happy as possible.

Post # 12
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013


I don’t see this as necessarily ‘changing’. This is more so learning what make the other happy, and being willing to do that.  Does closing the toilet lid make OP happy? Yes. Is her Fiance willing to do that? Yes.

Post # 13
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

@AB Bride:  Haha good question! My Darling Husband was never an adventurous eater, now he’ll eat just about everything – and sadly, I’ve turned him into a big cheesehead. He’ll eat a block of cheese in one sitting. But it’s been great to have a partner who is down to go out to eat just about anywhere. He never had any previous relationships, so I think he’s softened and gotten much more selfless over the course of our relationship – he’s learned how to treat a lady (other than what he figured out on his own) and other things too.

Other than that… I’ve turned him into a traveler. He didn’t have a passport when we met, and now we’ve gone lots of places together.

He’s always been a saver, but he only contributed 2% to his 401K when we met. Now he maxes out his 401K each year. Of course he has habits that drive me crazy, but I know you can’t change everything about a man, and some of his quirks are really cute.

Post # 14
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think I’ve gotten a bit better with money and Fiance tries and keep a handle on his clutter. 🙂

Post # 15
1285 posts
Bumble bee

@RMBsbride:  Then the thread should be about teaching or learning, not changing and individual. There is a big difference there.  I’m not going to get into the debate of this, nor go into my life story, but I’ve been there, done that in a marriage of being “changed” and him wanting me to be someone who I am not and would never be, and well, it didn’t turn out too well.  I will not be with someone that wants to change me. I am who I am, my Fiance is who he is.  

If I see the toilet seat up, I will politely ask him to please put it down, mostly because the cat will drink out of the bowl, but this is not considered “changing” my Fiance to put the seat down on a regular basis when he’s done pissing.

Changing a person would be more towards habits, such as, smoking, drugs, alcohol issues, anger problems…etc.  That would require “professional” help to change that person, as you are to be by that persons side to support, so in reality, yeah, you aren’t there to change the person, you are there to support that person, they will want to change themseles.  

Post # 16
5007 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m a big believer that you can’t really change someone, but sure you can help them with their habits. My Fiance used to leave his phone in the car all the time, but since we met and became serious he would bring it inside so I could get a hold of him. Little things like that, but not personality changes.

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