charting is causing fights and stress already, and we're only 2 months in…

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I may be of no help at all but maybe instead of saying “its time to BD because of XYZ” maybe just initiate it and make no mention of where you are in your cycle? He may be more willing and less resistant if its coming from a place of genuine attraction and want (on your end) to DTD. Hope this helps a little. 🙂

Post # 3
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Do you DTD just to DTD or is everything now fixated around your chart?  DH and I BD when we feel like it, and I track without telling him.  Now, we tend to DTD at least twice a week to start with, so it’s pretty easy for us to hit around an O day without me having to communicate too much about it. 

Post # 4
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We just do it when we feel like, which has been every day or at least every other day, or a few times a day, the past few months. DH said we were just going to have fun (although I chart) until next summer. He said he doesn’t think we should chart, “that’s just for people who are like 27 and the clocks really ticking” his words not mine haha I would try not to pressure as much as possible, which I know is soo hard sometimes, but it will just make everything more stressful. 

Post # 5
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with SkinnyLatte, chart away, but maybe keep the info to yourself. Initiate when you are fertile, (and other times too : ) I knew I was ovulating when I got pregnant, but DH had no clue. 

Post # 6
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

When I first started charting and temping and all that other stuff, FI specifically told me he didn’t want to know-unless a problem developed. It was all too much for him, and he certainly didn’t want to know what my CM was doing that day. I think all the science takes out the fun part for men. 

Try just charting and initiating. He doesn’t need all that info, unless it gets to the point where you guys need medical intervention.

FWIW, I had my second child at 30, and it took 7 months of trying. I have no health issues personally, but endometriosis followed by complete hysterectomy,  runs in my family.

Post # 7
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I see both sides of it. I know guys don’t like the pressure, and I can totally understand that. On the other hand, I also 100% understand you wanting to be proactive about things….when I was ready to be pregnant, I was READY, and I wanted us to give it the best odds every month.

I think PP’s suggestion to not make it “about” your fertile window is a good one. It’s important for your partner to know you’re actually wanting to have sex with him becauase you love him and are attracted to him and not just for his sperm (even though that might be a major motivator too!) That said, I don’t think this means you can’t talk about this stuff with him…you shouldn’t have the burden all on you…just don’t bring it up right when you’re trying to get down to business….instead maybe give him a heads up (e.g., “I think that I’m ovulating soon, so hopefully we can get lots of sexy time (or whatever!) in this week–be ready for it!” and try to be playful about it).

And honestly, if you miss one day, it won’t be a big deal–try tomorrow!

Finally, I checked out your chart, and it looks like you have a lot of open circles—are you temping at the same time each morning? If not, you might not see a pattern/confirm ovulation.

Good luck!!

Post # 8
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I read somewhere that women in their early 20s and women in their late 20s AND women in their early 30s all have about the same chance of getting pregnant if they have sex twice a week.  It’s like 85% or something, meaning 85% of women become pregnant within a year.   

I recommend chilling with the charting. Stress won’t help you get pregnant.  Instead, why not wait for your period, then on days 10 through 18 of your cycle (or so, no need to be exact the first few months), have sex every other day.  If it doesn’t work out the first few cycles, THEN I would start charting and being more scientific about it.  I understand you’re concerned and you want to do things right, but relaxing might be better right now, especially if it’s causing stress with you two.  Good luck…!  

Post # 9
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

MrsN14:  People who are “like 27” are just as fertile as people who are “like 20” or whatever.  I know you said your husband said that, but you shared it.  My doctor told me a woman doesn’t really have to worry until she’s 35, and even then things don’t REALLY start changing until you’re 38.

Post # 10
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow. So glad to know that my clock is “really ticking.”

Post # 11
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

Totally agree with PPs about leaving the little details to yourself, and just initiating with your DH during peak times… Trying to conceive doesn’t have to be all “OK! Put your fork down and let’s bone real quick while my bodily fluids are giving me the green light!”. You can be intimate and still have fun… Just make it a point to do it within a reasonable window of time. 

…Nothing says sexy-time like “my CM was watery/egg whitey”. Knowing things like that would be a HUGE turnoff. 

Post # 12
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

peachacid:  Maybe I’m just too impatient of a person….but charting made me LESS stressed out. It’s hard to want something so bad and to not even be sure of what your body is doing. I started charting during my 3rd cycle TTC and got pregnant that cycle…unfortunately it ended in an MC, but I started charting again after and got pregnant our first cycle trying again (after waiting one cycle). Obviously this won’t be everyone’s experience…for me, charting really helped because I ovulate later than most people (CD20+)….so basically I was having tons of sex a week too early, and then having much less when I was actually fertile because 1) I thought it had passed and 2) we were tired!! Based on our schedules and other obligations, it would have been really difficult for DH and I to BD every other day for a month, so it was helpful to know my cycle.

This isn’t to say you’re viewpoint is wrong (it’s not), but I don’t think that not charting=less stress in every case.

Also worth noting that stress in general doesn’t prevent pregancy, unless it’s super severe (like living in poverty) OR of course if it’s preventing you from having sex…so I agree, something needs to be adjusted here.

Post # 13
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am going to agree with PP. My husband’s rule about TTC is that it is 100% up to me. He doesn’t want to watch the sausage being made. While I would like this to be a little more of a joint process (for decisions like when we go off the pill and such), he feels stongly to just let it happen. 

 

My compromise is that I informed him my intended date of going off the pill and then a reminder on the last date I can still make an obgyn appointment for a refil. We will not chart or use OPKs for 6 months. If we have no lucj,  then we will jointly participate in the sausage making TTC process.

I totally get your desire for data–I work with statisticians and economists. Nothing makes me happier than good data. My doctor,  a fertility specialist who knows my data nerd background and my never be able to conceive medical history, told me not to chart. He said that for most people with a healthy sex life, it doesn’t really help. You’ll either get pregnant fairly easily or you’ll have problems. The stress of charting and stress unnecessarily prevents more pregnancies than it creates.

Post # 14
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

GoGoAnonon:  My husband both wants me to chart and then doesn’t want me to chart. I was just going with the flow and with how I was feeling, and then he sends me an article about the Glow app that he thought we could use for charting and figuring out what was going to work best for us. When I go and tell him that I got Wondfo OPK & Pregancy tests, to supplement the charting, he acted like I went overboard and that we really should just take it easy and let things happen naturally. 

I totally understand getting excited about figuring out the body and feeling the differences. I was on BCP for YEARS and we just decided last month that I would go off of them and played it loosy goosy for a month. The hormones and just the ability to get turned on quickly took me by surprise. 

I don’t tell him “we need to get it on today to make a baby”. I told him that I’m just feeling really frisky, I think it’s that time.

 

Post # 15
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I have to agree with your husband. I would give it a year to happen without charting. If you continue to chart on the down low, will you be able to resist being obsessed? You do have time, and you don’t have any health issues as far as you know. Don’t take all the fun and magic out of sex. If you don’t get pregnant, reevaluate. Or maybe compromise and give it 6 months instead of a year.

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