Post # 1
Share your thoughts with me. My numbness is starting to float out to sea.
Mom’s not interesed in wedding planning, shopping, even talking about it. I’m her only daughter.
Dress shopping: Several invites but there’s always the comment "Oh you never give me enough notice, wish I had known sooner." "Sorry Mom, you must have a big weekend planned." "No, I don’t know what we’re gonna do this weekend, nothing planned." We live 30 minutes apart.
Bridal Shower: No RSVP from Mom. Three days after RSVP date, MOH sends Mom an email asking if she’ll be joining us. Mom replies to MOH and carbon copies her daughter "Sadly, we’ll be on vacation that week." I reply "I’m so sorry, had I known you would be on vacation we would have scheduled it another day. Are you going somehwere tropical or exotic, maybe a Carribbean Cruise?" Mom, "No, we’re going to the same place we go to twice a month."
I want to be happy for her, and I want to understand – but my understanding isn’t there. Hurt is. I have tried every avenue – short of turning bridezilla – even asking her out for lunch just to talk about life and no wedding talk. My few attempts of wedding coordination go unanswered – to the point even, Mom asked me to "remove her work email address from email my address book" and yet she’ll send me an email from her work – "sorry i missed your call this weekend. don’t reply to this email."
What do you do? What CAN you do? Life’s not about me, I know that. And yet the days of smiling and being OK with her distance are slowly coming to an end. While I’d rather the wedding not be the catalyst to that end, our relationship is slipping through my fingers as if trying to hold water in my hand. I’m ready to spread my fingers so the water falls where it may.
Post # 3
is she your mum or stepmum because in reading your post she comes across pretty cold.
personally i think you need to let go of wanting her involvement as i dont think she is going to be there for you as you hope
Post # 4
*HUGS* I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this. It sucks.
Has she been like this before the wedding, or is it just since you’ve been engaged and planning? Maybe she feels like she’s going to lose you, and is trying to "let go" of you beforehand so that she doesn’t get hurt (which I don’t agree with, but maybe that’s what she’s doing, especially if you’re moving away after the wedding).
Maybe try discussing this with her. Don’t talk about the wedding, talk about yourselves. If you’re comfortable about it, talk about how much you’d like to set up a regular (weekly?) phone/e-mail/letter system with her when you move, and about how important it is that she be involved in her grandchildren’s lives. If that doesn’t work, then…well, maybe it is time to just drop it, as it were, and hopefully she’ll wise up and make the first step back.
It has to suck, dealing with this sort of thing when you’re stressed from wedding planning, and SUPPOSED to be enjoying your time as a bride. =( Regardless, I really feel for you, and hope things improve.
Post # 5
I agree you really need to sit down and put it out there then go from there. I don’t understand her behavior whatsoever and it is hurtful even reading that! Has she always been this way or since you became engaged? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please keep your head up and try to enjoy your planning no matter what!
Post # 6
Your mother’s behavior is completely wrong, and I understand why you are so hurt. I’m wondering what on earth could be causing your mom to act this way, and am throwing out the following questions randomly since I know nothing about you and am simply trying to help you narrow down the potential possibilities.
What is her general level of interest for milestone events (birthdays/graduations/etc.?)
What are her general feelings about your FI?
Does your mother think people your age are too young to get married? Is there an age gap between you and your FI?
Did your mother have any specific ideas of what your FI would be like (some parents dream that their daughter will marry a doctor/lawyer/engineer)?
Does your mother express any interest in other aspects of your life?
Post # 7
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m wondering if it isn’t the "wedding" that she isn’t interested in; but perhaps she has deeper issue. Perhaps she is having difficulty letting you go? I agree with others above that a sit down and an open communication may help the situation. Let her know how you feel (gently) and try to get her to open up to you!
Sending best wishes and lots of love!
Post # 8
Aw, I’m sorry you are dealing with this! It stings, I know. My mom can get like this to a much lesser extent and I know how frustrating it can be.
One thing that came to mind – I think for my mom it is really hard because her mom died not long before her wedding and she didn’t get to share that day with her. So, going through it with her daughter brings up a lot of emotions. Could there be some underlying issue like that going on with your mom?
Post # 9
Suza, like another poster asked, has your mother always been sort of cold/distant, or is this new because of the wedding? I ask because you say you live half an hour away, about the same distance I live from my mother. I can’t imagine not knowing that my mom would be going on vacation, or that she goes someplace twice a month and when she goes. I don’t say that to make you feel bad, but that’s the part that stuck out to me…that she lives so close but you’re not close emotionally.
If she has been that way for your whole life, think about how much you really want her involved? When you decide, call her and explain how you’re feeling, and why you feel that way. Tell her explicitly what you would like her to be involved in. Hopefully, she will offer an explanation for her behavior and become more involved. If not, you’ve said what you needed to say and that’s all you can do.
Post # 10
I can relate. I’m not sure there is a good answer. It hurts and I only plan on doing this once so the things she’s missing out on aren’t going to come around again. In my case, it’s not just limited to my mom. My side of the family is a mess and it’s unfortunate I feel like I can’t rely on them during this important time.
I wish you luck. Don’t stop inviting her, but don’t let yourself be crushed when she doesn’t come.
Post # 11
Wow, I’m so sorry! I had the opposite type of mother who wanted to control my every move in my wedding. I’m not sure which is worse, the uninvolved mother or the overinvolved mother! Either way, I feel for you! Mothers are always such a touchy subject.
I’m going with other posters in asking if your mom has always been this cold. If so, I’m afraid that the excitement of planning a wedding isn’t enough to sway someone who is unemotional into suddenly becoming emotional. If this is new…there might be something majorly up with your mom. Is she married? Maybe you can talk to her husband (or your dad) about what’s been going on to see if she’s been acting strange towards everyone…not just you. If that’s the case, there might be something else that’s underlying.
I voted to keep your mom in all communications. I know it absolutely hurts like heck when she doesn’t respond or completely blows you off, but at least you’re trying. If after the wedding, she’s still acting like this, I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to exclude her from your life. I’m very sorry you’re going through this…someone constantly disappointing you is one of the worst feelings, and it’s the toughest things to turn off that switch of caring. I wish you all the best!
Post # 12
Thank you for taking time to write & share your thoughts. The virtual hugs do help! I chose to continue communicating with her and asked Mom if she’d like to join me for the 1st dress fitting – which is a month’s notice. 😉 Still waiting for the reply.
Below are answers to your questions. When you read them, know that I’m not trying to sound like a perfect daughter – I’m not. But honestly – I have been trying so hard the past few years.
Eloping – She’s my mum.
Jenniphyr – She’s been like this before the wedding but not to this extreme. Usually it’s Christmas or Thanksgiving, but for some reason I thought a wedding might be different.
Bear9206 – She did act strange when the night we were engaged. He proposed in front of 80 people, she congratulated us, picked up her things and her told her husband it was time to go. Guests noticed it and asked if she were upset. I think she was hurt that FI didn’t tell her ahead of time. His family knew so maybe she inside felt "I’m always the last to know". I’m speculating.
- Her general level about milestones is fairly nonchalant. My perception of her attitude towards them is – if she feels up to it she’ll show up to celebrate. She’s highly judgemental of me. I get the impression deep down she doesn’t like me to be successful.
- She likes FI – but now that you ask – I wonder if he is too similar to her 1st husband (my Dad). She’s with her 3rd husband – a wonderful man. I’m mid-30s FI is mid-40’s.
- She never expressed any vision of who she’d like to see me marry.
- To be honest, she doesn’t realy express interest. She doesn’t ask any questions. I’ll call, she’ll give me an earful of what’s going on with her and then say she’ll has to go do something.
Carri38707 – thanks!
Rose999 – that must have been hard for your Mom to loose her Mom. I’ve only met my Mother’s Mom once. Not sure of the history between them but you have given me something to think about.
ES123 – thanks for your comments. You’re right. I don’t like living geographically so close and still not knowing much about her life. Sometimes I try to call but get the impression I’m bugging/interrupting her.
July09bridetobe – July is getting close! Sorry to hear about your family. It’s frustrating. At least you and I are learning how we don’t want make other people feel. I guess I just thought that the MOB has a big part in the wedding…perhaps that’s just a social stigma I subscribed to believe in.
Milkeysock – I thought about having the opposite type of Mom. What got you through it? I have a tendency to laugh it off but it gets old. Yes, she’s married and I’d love to talk with him, just not sure how to get ahold of him without her knowing. Mom seems to be the one who always calls back.
I truly thank you all. It really helps to discuss! You’ve given me some great insight and advice on what to do next.
All my best! Suza
Post # 13
for some reason i wouldn’t expect this from a mother of the bride… then again my mother has been overly pushy… not that i mind because i try not to care about such things… though it does feel good that she does care. ^_^
maybe something is up… you should definitely talk to her… she’s family and she should be excited for you… if not the MOST excited person for you.
Good luck and more *HUGS*
Post # 14
Suza, it sounds like you are thinking this out and handling it as well as you can. I wanted to respond to your reply to me. I’ve always beleived your parents show you how to live. That means sometimes showing you a great path to follow and other times that means showing you exactly what not to do if you want a different life.
Post # 15
Suza – thanks for replying to everyone’s messages and questions! I’m absolutely in 100% agreement with JulyBride – I feel as if I’m learning exactly what not to do with my mom and how she handles others. She’s just very controlling by nature and it’s her way or the highway on most things. What got me through it was my husband He was and still is my rock!
One day, very close to our wedding, my mom was majorly stressing me out. I received a personalized fram from a friend that had our new names on it. Seeing that just put things in perspective for me that day. I was going to be happy with my husband as Mr. & Mrs. no matter what my mom tried to throw at me. I know it stings more than anything that she just doesn’t want to be involved, but remember that it’s a day to celebrate you and your FH.
When you started telling us a little more background about your engagement and such, it sounds as if this might be your mom’s way of dealing with her emotions…just shutting down and not dealing with them at all. Regardless, I reallly hope that she goes to your first dress fitting with you. No matter what they do to us, they’re still our mothers, and no matter how old we are, we still always want their approval. It’s so tough when it can’t be attained for one reason or another. Keep your head high and I hope the rest of your wedding planning is blissful!
Post # 16
I think you should keep including her but not get your hopes up. It sounds like your mom has some deep-seated issues and the occasion of your wedding is sadly not going to fix them. Sorry it’s an unfortunate situation…lean on your other support system to get you the emotional support you need. Hugs to you!