Post # 1
I need help. I’m so confused right now.
Okay so BF and I have been together for 3 years. We’ve lived together for 2 years. A couple months after living together I found out he was still texting and talking to an ex. They hadn’t dated for over 10 yrs. She supposedly had two kids and a live in BF. They has supposedly communicated through all his previous relationships before ours. Just as friends. She lives in MO and we live in TX. I was so mad because I have the “no friends of the opposite sex” policy. That’s just my stand on that. It eliminates problems in my eyes. So we had a long discussion about it and he seems to have understood. Telling me that he would compromise. So we moved forward no big deal.
Well the other day I saw a text just saying hello being friendly and I KNEW it wasn’t a guy. So I put on my CSI hat and researched it. Found out it was a girl that went to his school and graduated two years after him. She lives in GA (we live in TX). I confronted him again and this time I’m furious. It’s been over a year and a half since the first incident but I feel like we’ve been down this road before so he should know better. He explained that it’s one of his classmates sisters that he just knew or knew of (they never dated). She was his point of contact to check on his friend (her brother) who was in a really bad accident. He says they chatted a few times and she was basically spilling her life story about a bad divorce they she just went through.
I told him AGAIN that I do not tolerate that. I feel in my heart that it was nothing. He doesn’t travel to this state at all or anywhere without me. So I know it wasn’t “cheating” per say. I just feel so disrespected. I’m hurt. It may seem small but when you have done work in other areas of the relationship (our share of ups and downs) then this little thing happens you just want to throw your hands up and walk away. It sucks because we’ve been talking about getting engaged and married by next summer. We’ve been ring shopping and everything.
I’m just at a loss right now. I don’t like people to lie to me. He made it seem like it was a guy although it wasn’t. His excuse was because he knew I would flip out over nothing. Regardless if it’s nothing, if you know I will flip out about it, then why do it! The fact that he didn’t tell me about this person or these conversations is even worse. He tells me EVERYTHING about ALL his friends, co-workers, etc. I’m not sure I have enough to continue. It bothers me that I told him something one time and he did it again anyway. It’s like fool me once shame on you….fool me twice shame on ME. I can’t even look at him or talk to him right now. My sister told me to take some time and think it out before making any rash decisions because I’m too emotional.
Please help me bees.
Post # 3
I kind of see where he’s coming from. Relationships take trust, and if you trusted him he should be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. It’s a normal thing to do. If you weren’t upset about that, he would never have had to lie to you.
Post # 4
No offense, but I have to agree with artbee on this one. It’s normal for people to have friends that are of the opposite sex. I agree, it’s not necessarily right for him to pretend he is talking to guys when he is talking to girls, but chances are he is doing it since you have a “rule” that he isn’t allowed to talk to or be friends with females.
Post # 5
I’ve got to say that I agree with artbee. If my FI told me he didn’t want me to see or talk to any of my friends of the opposite sex, I’d be devastated. Not so much because I couldn’t talk to them anymore (because I still would since I understand your stance to a certain extent but find it personally ridiculous), but because I would feel like the person that I loved didn’t have any trust in me.
Post # 6
It sounds like your “no friends of the opposite sex policy” doesn’t eliminate problems but instead creates them. You’re looking for trust and respect from your boyfriend without seeming to give any in return.
Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed not to talk to any other women (as friends) if he knew he couldn’t keep up his end of the bargain…but still…I could never restrict my husband’s friendships! Just builds a lot of resentment on both sides, I would think.
Post # 7
@PrettySedity: in the entire time you have been with your SO, have you ever, ever, ever talked to another guy who is a friend, an ex, etc. – be it on facebook, through email, by text, running into him on the street, etc. It has never happened? Ever?
Post # 8
@MissHelen: More than devastated…it’s a total dealbreaker.
Post # 9
Unfortunately I’m with the others. I think this may be a sign of a deeper trust issue on your part if him texting a female friend makes you want to walk away from the entire relationship. Of course I don’t think anyone should be lying about it, but it seems he might need a bit more freedom and trust so he doesn’t feel like he needs to lie. I’m sorry, just my thoughts.
Post # 10
He probably wasn’t telling you because he knew you would be upset. YES, I too would be upset about the fact he was hiding it, but honestly you can’t guarantee that for the rest of his life (if you are to be married) that he won’t have friends of the opposite sex. That is unrealistic and since he hasn’t warranted any real reason (ie:cheating) you shouldn’t really have a reason not to trust him. Especially since it sounds like it was totally innocent.
Post # 11
@Edina: Absolutely….that’s exactly where I was going with that.
Post # 12
seriously. i’m sorry because this will sound harsh, but you’re the one who is being insecure and unreasonable. you keep “supposing” things about the situation and going all CSI on him when there isn’t any dirt to find. he’s being faithful and you’re being controlling. They don’t even live in the same state so why does it matter? I think you need to re-evaluate why you have this rule in the first place. you said it’s so that problems (aka temptation) wont arise, has something happened to you in the past like that? rhetorical question – just food for thought. if you don’t trust him and constantly snoop on him then you shouldn’t be thinking about getting engaged to him. trust is so important and you’re already not letting yourself trust him around girls that live thousands of miles away, what will happen if there’s a vixen of a co-worker at his work? are you going to make him quit? you should ease up on him.
Post # 13
@PrettySedity: Honestly? I think you are being controlling and unjustifiably paranoid. If you exercised more trust in your relationship with regards to friends of the opposite sex, you might find that he would be open with you about who he is talking to. I think it is crazy to expect someone to never have friendships with the opposite sex. It’s really unhealthy. And the fact that he knows you “don’t tolerate that”…..makes you sound like a harsh school principal, not a trusting, loving partner.
Post # 14
I’m sorry to say it, but I think you are being unreasonable.
These people are his friends and you’ve given him an ultimatum not to talk to them, or COURSE he’s not going to tell you when he does.
You’re telling him to make a choice between his friends or you.
I can understand a bit of discomfort with an ex, because they had something before, but it in no way sounds like either of them would be open to cheating.
As far as his friend’s sister, I see no problem with that, especially if she’s her point of contact for an injured buddy.
I have male friends (as the majority of my co-workers are male due to the field I work in) and my FI has female friends. We fully trust each other so there are NO issues.
I really think you need to re-evaluate your “No friends of the opposite sex” policy and figure out what is driving it.
Sounds like there are deep seeded trust and jealousy issues you need to deal with rather than giving your SO an ultimatum.
Ultimatums never work, they just result in resentment and unhappiness.
ETA: “Going CSI on him” was totally inappropriate. You have given him a reason not to trust you any more. If you want this relationship to work, you need to focus on your trust issues, rather than controlling him.
Post # 15
I have to agree, “rules” about the people one can associate with in a relationship are usually a red flag – no matter who’s making them.
Think of it this way – If one of your best female friends came to you and said her boyfriend insisted that stop speaking to her male buddies and avoid even causal communication with all guys not her brothers how would you respond?
Post # 16
I also wanted to add: my FI’s two closest friends are women. If I’d had this rule, we would never have gone out on a second date. 🙂