(Closed) Chatting with “friends”… Please Help! Vent….

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I kind of see where he’s coming from. Relationships take trust, and if you trusted him he should be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. It’s a normal thing to do. If you weren’t upset about that, he would never have had to lie to you.

Post # 4
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

No offense, but I have to agree with artbee on this one.  It’s normal for people to have friends that are of the opposite sex.  I agree, it’s not necessarily right for him to pretend he is talking to guys when he is talking to girls, but chances are he is doing it since you have a “rule” that he isn’t allowed to talk to or be friends with females.  

Post # 5
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’ve got to say that I agree with artbee. If my FI told me he didn’t want me to see or talk to any of my friends of the opposite sex, I’d be devastated. Not so much because I couldn’t talk to them anymore (because I still would since I understand your stance to a certain extent but find it personally ridiculous), but because I would feel like the person that I loved didn’t have any trust in me.

Post # 6
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It sounds like your “no friends of the opposite sex policy” doesn’t eliminate problems but instead creates them. You’re looking for trust and respect from your boyfriend without seeming to give any in return.

Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed not to talk to any other women (as friends) if he knew he couldn’t keep up his end of the bargain…but still…I could never restrict my husband’s friendships! Just builds a lot of resentment on both sides, I would think.

Post # 7
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@PrettySedity: in the entire time you have been with your SO, have you ever, ever, ever talked to another guy who is a friend, an ex, etc. – be it on facebook, through email, by text, running into him on the street, etc. It has never happened? Ever?

Post # 8
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@MissHelen: More than devastated…it’s a total dealbreaker.

Post # 9
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Unfortunately I’m with the others. I think this may be a sign of a deeper trust issue on your part if him texting a female friend makes you want to walk away from the entire relationship. Of course I don’t think anyone should be lying about it, but it seems he might need a bit more freedom and trust so he doesn’t feel like he needs to lie. I’m sorry, just my thoughts.

Post # 10
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

He probably wasn’t telling you because he knew you would be upset. YES, I too would be upset about the fact he was hiding it, but honestly you can’t guarantee that for the rest of his life (if you are to be married) that he won’t have friends of the opposite sex. That is unrealistic and since he hasn’t warranted any real reason (ie:cheating) you shouldn’t really have a reason not to trust him. Especially since it sounds like it was totally innocent.

Post # 11
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

@Edina: Absolutely….that’s exactly where I was going with that.

Post # 12
Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

seriously. i’m sorry because this will sound harsh, but you’re the one who is being insecure and unreasonable. you keep “supposing” things about the situation and going all CSI on him when there isn’t any dirt to find. he’s being faithful and you’re being controlling. They don’t even live in the same state so why does it matter? I think you need to re-evaluate why you have this rule in the first place. you said it’s so that problems (aka temptation) wont arise, has something happened to you in the past like that? rhetorical question – just food for thought. if you don’t trust him and constantly snoop on him then you shouldn’t be thinking about getting engaged to him. trust is so important and you’re already not letting yourself trust him around girls that live thousands of miles away, what will happen if there’s a vixen of a co-worker at his work? are you going to make him quit? you should ease up on him.

Post # 13
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@PrettySedity: Honestly? I think you are being controlling and unjustifiably paranoid. If you exercised more trust in your relationship with regards to friends of the opposite sex, you might find that he would be open with you about who he is talking to. I think it is crazy to expect someone to never have friendships with the opposite sex. It’s really unhealthy. And the fact that he knows you “don’t tolerate that”…..makes you sound like a harsh school principal, not a trusting, loving partner.

Post # 14
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m sorry to say it, but I think you are being unreasonable.

These people are his friends and you’ve given him an ultimatum not to talk to them, or COURSE he’s not going to tell you when he does.

You’re telling him to make a choice between his friends or you.

I can understand a bit of discomfort with an ex, because they had something before, but it in no way sounds like either of them would be open to cheating.

As far as his friend’s sister, I see no problem with that, especially if she’s her point of contact for an injured buddy.

I have male friends (as the majority of my co-workers are male due to the field I work in) and my FI has female friends. We fully trust each other so there are NO issues.

I really think you need to re-evaluate your “No friends of the opposite sex” policy and figure out what is driving it.

Sounds like there are deep seeded trust and jealousy issues you need to deal with rather than giving your SO an  ultimatum.

Ultimatums never work, they just result in resentment and unhappiness.

 

ETA: “Going CSI on him” was totally inappropriate. You have given him a reason not to trust you any more. If you want this relationship to work, you need to focus on your trust issues, rather than controlling him.

Post # 15
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I have to agree, “rules” about the people one can associate with in a relationship are usually a red flag – no matter who’s making them.

Think of it this way –  If one of your best female friends came to you and said her boyfriend insisted that stop speaking to her male buddies and avoid even causal communication with all guys not her brothers how would you respond?

 

Post # 16
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I also wanted to add: my FI’s two closest friends are women. If I’d had this rule, we would never have gone out on a second date. 🙂

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