Post # 1
I am having three bridesmaids in my wedding, one of whom is a good friend of mine. We used to be close but I feel like we have been drifting in the past few months 🙁 We went dress shopping a while back and I let her choose whatever dress she liked as long as it was our color. She chose one, was kinda blase and uninterested about it, but we got it. When we went to pay, she put me in a really awkward position so I ended up paying for her dress. Ok whatever, I’ll get over it.
Now I am buying gifts for my girls and I want to get something really nice for my other girls who have done so much for me, threw me a shower, travelled, hotels etc! However, for this friend, I really don’t want to spend much – I know it’s horrible but I paid for her dress! She took no part in organizing or helping with the shower, shows little interest in the wedding, doesn’t really want to take part in anything wedding related and kinda acts like the whole thing is a hassle rather than an honor.
Is it ok to spend a bit less on her gift cos I paid for her dress and she hasn’t had to travel or organize anything? Any advice would be great ladies!
Post # 3
@Westvillebride: I think that would be fine, consider the dress a gift.
Post # 4
I would do it but not so she knows what the other girls got. I’m assuming you did not tell the other girls that you paid for her dress, so I would do the same with the gifts.
Post # 5
I personally don’t think it’s ok. Distance yourself from her after the wedding if you like, but treating her differently is kind of rude, IMO.
I know of what I speak, too. My bridesmaids (DH’s sister, I don’t have girlfriends) didn’t do ANYTHING, yet I smiled, played the game, and moved on when it was all over.
Post # 6
@Westvillebride: I think you could make an argument for spending less because you bought her dress & the other girls are traveling, but I don’t think there’s a nice way to let her know you’re giving her less because she didn’t help as much as the other girls or shows less interest.
I’m really no help about how you should go about this without offending her, though! Maybe if you give gifts to the girls and say they are a thank you for throwing your shower, then give small gifts to them each (including her) as a thank you for just being a bridesmaid…? Or, if all the others are traveling and staying in hotels, give them each really nice welcome bags. That way you don’t have to give her one but she also doesn’t feel singled out…?
I don’t know. Tough situation.
Post # 7
@starrynight: Yea, i agree it is kind of rude and awkward…but if i was in that situation buying her an expensive gift AND a dress when I didn’t do that for the other girls seems like the opposite?
It is a weird situation and hard to decide, but to also not show interest and act blah seems offensive and kinda rude.
Post # 8
thats a hard situation….you have to do what you think is right in terms of gift giving…. but before you decide on wether to give her a less expensive gift, I would actually have a chat with her before your wedding day and see whats up. I know you probably don’t have the time or want the extra stress leading up to the wedding, but I think you owe it to your friendship to have that chat. You did pick her to be there with you on your special day, so she must mean something to you. People who are close to you tend to get weird around weddings…. they know things will ultimately change in their relationship with with you…they almost seem like they are mouring…lol. maybe this is happening with your friend…maybe that might be why shes not getting involved. Also if she is still single or is in a relationship that is taking a while to get to the place she wants…she may be a little sad and a large bit envious of you….and that might be why she is taking it out on your wedding!!! 😉 it doesn’t excuse her behavior but it might account for it. By chatting you might clear things up and she may get more involved in you day. You may also need to consider that she doesn’t have lots of spare cash to spend on your wedding….dresses, shoes, hair, hens nights, bridal showers and wedding gifts cost lots of money for a bridesmaid. She might be emarrassed that she cant afford it so thats why she has withdrawn and not gotten involved in your events.
Post # 9
From your post my only question was “why is she still in your wedding?”
Post # 10
Thanks for the advice ladies, I am not sure what to do!
cmsgirl : I don’t think that it is jealousy is the issue, she is in a relationship but is not really marriage bound, she wants to travel etc. I also don’t think that she is embarrassed about money – which I would totally understand – as she makes as much if not more than me. It just feels a bit entitled and I feel a bit taken advantage of. 🙁
Lulusmom: A valid question, we were really close but started to drift apart shortly after I got engaged. I thought her being in the wedding would bring us closer again but it hasn’t. Her actions though upsetting are not firing offenses!! It’s not like we fight or anything but I guess you find out who your real supporters are right?
It just makes me sad that she is being like this when my other girls, who I am not nearly as close to, have done so many nice things for me. I would like to something really nice for them but it feels wrong for me to favor her with her dress and a gift when she is barely around.
Post # 11
Can you give the BMs their gifts separately/individually? I know normally they all get it at the same time, but if you do it separately, she won’t necessarily know what the others got
Post # 12
Why did you pay for her dress? Is she worse off than the other BMs? I dont think its fair to the others that they had to pay for their dresses and this other Bridesmaid or Best Man didnt have to. I personally think they should all get the same gift but the one who didnt pay for her dress should reimburse you for the dress.
Post # 13
I guess I have to ask what kind of awkward situation she put you in that you felt like you had to buy the dress? If I went up to a counter with my Bridesmaid or Best Man, and she assumed I was paying, I would’ve nipped that in the bud right there and let her know that I wasn’t paying for the dress.
If you aren’t giving the gifts to your BMs together, then I think it’s fine to get her a lesser gift. But, if you’re giving them their gitfs together, that would definitely look like a slight to her. I think it really depends on how you’re giving your gifts to each bridesmaid.
Post # 14
I would just say the dres was the gift, that’s totally legitimate. If you are doing the gifts at the rehearsal dinner, I’d just give her something small, so no one notices that she doesn’t open something. But, before the dinner, pull her aside and let her know that you could only afford something small for her, as you paid for her dress, and you did not do that for the other girls. If someone said that to me, I’d totally understand that!
Post # 15
I think it’s ok to get her a small gift, but make sure all the gifts are unique. I.E. if everyone gets a matching piece of jewlery, she’ll be left out. But if everyone gets a different gift, then her gift can just be smaller. Also, like another poster suggested, I would give the gifts individually, not all together where they could compare them. Best of luck!