Cheap engagement ring broken – too long engagement? (very long post)

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

A diamond shouldn’t matter your band is more than enough I think we get caught up in todays world with all the glitz and glam honestly my dad never bought my mom a ring until I was 5years (now 25)  and they decided to have a wedding (they eloped before I came into the pic) it was a dainty gold ring with the illusion of a diamond a pencil tip size diamond she wears it occasionally and to be honest I’ve never seen my dad with a wedding band …. I’ll have to ask him about that!

sit down and have a talk with him and tell him you are ready to be his wife and how you honestly feel 

Post # 3
Member
1437 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I can’t believe you’ve let this go on for 5 years! This really is nothing to do with the ring, but the fact that you’ve been “engaged” for 5 years with no semblance of plans for actually getting married. I am not a fan of ultimatums, but honestly, in this situation, I can’t think of what else I’d do. He needs to tell you plainly whether he wants to get married or not, and if so, it needs to happen in a reasonable amount of time. Stringing you along for a 5 year “engagement” is not okay. You need to put your foot down.

Post # 4
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

The wedding band should be enough. I get the whole wanting an engagement ring… But that’s just a materialistic item. Maybe he doesn’t feel pressure to get married bc he knows financially you “can’t”(Meaning big wedding, yadda yadda ya).. Offer a courthouse wedding and see if that changes his tune

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  .
Post # 5
Member
6887 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

I feel for you, OP! Speak up for yourself! If you want a ring, tell him. If he forgets, remind him. 

I think the bigger issue of the post isn’t the right though, it’s that you’ve been engaged for 5!!! years!!! That’s a long time. You said, “I feel like we’re slowly getting close to a point where it’s either moving on to the next step or move on with our lives separately.

Yes! That’s what being engaged means. It’s means you’re going to get married, the next step. If you guys are both waiting so long to actually get married (which really, it costs as much as a marriage license, so $20?), you need to open up a dialogue with each other about how long this charade is going to go on for. Normally I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but I think one is necessary in your case.

Post # 6
Member
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

I agree the ring isn’t the biggest issue here, 5 years of waiting to get married is a long time. PPs are right that getting married is really only the cost of the marriage license (which for me was $120), if that’s all you can afford right now. If you know a more expensive ring still isn’t possible why not start researching more affordable options. Maybe a little upgrade from the $20 ring but some less than what your FI might be thinking a diamond cost. I’ve heard a lot of positive things from some Bees about WinkCZ rings. Might not last forever but should last awhile longer than the $20 ring.

Post # 7
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Go to the courthouse and get married. It only costs like $30 for a license in most places. Set aside $20 a week towards a permanent ring. It’s not much but it adds up fast and for most people it’s easy to cut $20 a week spending out. That’s just getting rid of cable or brown-bagging it to work every day. Throw a fantastic 10th or 20th anniversary party when you’re more financially able.

Post # 9
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

Why you guys go the courthouse if there is no money for a wedding? You can have a small reception and have the wedding letter when money becomes available. You can say “baby I love you and I’m ready to get married, let’s go to the courthouse, we can worry about a wedding later.” If he jumps on board you know he was probably worried that you wanted a huge wedding and never mentioned the courthouse, as a result. if he stalls it’s more going on other than money.

i just read the responses and saw where you said he did want to get married until he 30 or 35yrs. Thats the real reason he’s dragging out this engagement.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Charmaine7.
Post # 10
Member
6887 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

BeeBuffy:  All those questions you just asked… you need to sit down and ask HIM. Open up a dialogue about timelines. He’s the one who proposed to you. Does he not know what a proposal means? It doesn’t mean wait 10 years until you get pregnant and then get married.

Honestly, you’ve been engaged for 5 years. Have the conversation and then sit down, make a budget, and start planning your wedding. I would probably have been engaged for 5 years too, if my DH was in charge of any sort of planning. Take the bull by the horns. You’ve lived together a long time, you know what your spending habits are so you should be abe to figure out a budget. Start making it happen.

Post # 12
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

BeeBuffy:  I can’t say why he proposed that far in advance maybe: he thought that was the next step without giving any real thought to when he actually wanted to be married, thought that what you wanted, wanted to keep you around.

You can’t be in fear of pressuring him; you don’t have to pressure him, you have to speak up for what you want. No one could possibly say you pressured him, you allowed a 5yr engagement that’s the polar opposite of pressure.

i can tell by your posts you’re in pain and confused. That’s reason enough to speak up to him about the timeline you expect and stick to it.

Post # 13
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow, you started dating this bloke when you were 15 and he was 19? And you got engaged when you were around 20? And now, five years later he hasn’t done a thing to show he’s ready to get married? Sorry, but to me, getting engaged doesn’t mean, “I love you and want to marry you someday in the far future when I am ready to get married.” it means “I love you and am ready to get married now.” So I’m not sure what he’s playing at with this 5-10 years bullshit after already making you wait 5 years… Most people who are engaged (I say most because I know a lot of younger 20s/late teens who are ‘engaged’ but aren’t planning a wedding because they’re not ready for that step yet, but they want everyone to know that they are serious about each other, “like okaaay? Gosh!”), and would get married right this moment if the situation called for it, but usually wait a little bit to plan a wedding and/or save money, or any other similiar reason – not just because they want the title of fiance/fiancee. The title alone changes nothing about the relationship. It really doesn’t. What matters is the couple’s commitment and intentions towards each other – and it sounds to me like your commitment and intentions are true, but his might not be. You REALLY need to have a straight forward conversation with him. No beating around the bush. You’re planning to marry this guy. If you can’t be straight forward with him about this, then I would reconsider spending my life with him. Also, before your conversation with him, decide your worst case scenario option – if he’s not willing to budge on his timeline, and you’re at a stage in your life where you’re looking for marriage, then you might want to consider finding someone who is at the same stage in life as you are. There is no shame in walking away from the wrong relationship, and this might be the wrong relationship for you.

 

On a side note – do NOT have a kid before you’re ready or before you’re married/ready if marriage is what you want to happen first. There is no promise that he would marry you after you have the kid despite what he says, and it’s a more perminant way of keeping you around without giving you want you want. Not saying these are his intentions, but it could be that he thinks having a kid with you will force your hand to stay even longer without getting married because you have a kid together. It could very well be a trick to get you to stick around. If marriage THEN kids is what you want, stick to your guns – and I’d be tempted to get on the pill without his knowledge or use a 2nd form of birth control without him knowing just to make sure there was no sneaky sabotage going on… then again, if I was feeling I needed to keep that secret from him, I’d just walk away from the relationship, because at that point it would be obvious that I didn’t trust him. So you’ve just got to decide how much you trust this guy – not meaning to be harsh, but if your gut is telling you that you don’t trust him, it doesn’t matter how much your heart wants to believe him, you should trust your gut.

Best of luck. Hopefully your conversation goes well. (Oh on a side note, I wouldn’t tell him your plans, whatever they may be, depending on the outcome of your conversation – because ultimatums don’t work… this is more a for YOU thing, not for HIM.)

Post # 15
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

I know this is 3 weeks old, I hope yall have had a talk and something has gotten worked out. I’m so sorry this is so frustrating and upsetting, I would feel the same way. I just wanted to share something with you that somone once told me when I wasn’t in a good relationship (I’m only saying this because you said you were saving money incase you decide to leave him.) So here it goes:

 

It’s like going into a nice steakhouse, getting dressed up, making the reservation, sitting down and ordering the filet mignon. You wait for your food to come out and as soon as you bite into your steak you realize it’s ground beef. It’s not that the ground beef is bad, but it’s just not what you wanted. Do you make the effort to leave the restaurant, go find a new restaurant and repeat everything above to hopefully find the perfect filet mignon? If you were eating this for just one night, nah, if you were eating this steak the rest of your life, definitely.

 

I hope yall have had a talk, your worries about him leaving you after remodeling the place is definitely something that needs to be addressed. 

 

For what it’s worth, I think you can be engaged however long you feel like it. When you’re tired of that title and want to be his wife, completely different story.

 

*Big hugs!* Good luck buttercup 🙂 

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