(Closed) cheated on during first few months of dating

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012


Ok, it sounds as though your SO does have some issues regarding sex and with women.  But it also sounds as though he is taking steps in the right direction to repair the damage he did by being less than honest with you.

I read over everything twice and I don’t see that he technically cheated on you.  I understand your not liking some of the things he did, but still, he was physically faithful and loyal to you.  He does seem to have a sexually addictive nature, evidenced by his extensive and unusual porn collection. 

He may be bisexual or he may have just been experimenting because his ex-wife aroused his curiosity.  But if he is bisexual is that a dealbreaker for you?

You seem to love him very much and you two seem to be compatible for the most part.  I would say that since he’s already in counseling and also being very open and honest with you now, he is trying very hard to regain your trust. 

Nobody is perfect and it sounds as though he’s had a difficult life.  It also sounds as though his heart is in the right place.  If you can stand by him as he works through these issues, who knows, your relationship may become much stronger in the long run.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

Post # 4
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Him having the pics because he doesn’t feel good enough just does not make sense. If it were me I would at the very least take a break and let him work on himself. The thing is when there are problems in the future and there always is, are you going to worry what he’ll do since you already know how far he will take it. Can you trust him? I don’t have an answer for you, just advise. Take your time with this to decide if you can really go forward.

Post # 5
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you can make a committment to him so long as he’s working to better himself. Don’t leave, don’t be engaged just be a rock for him while he works out his obvious deep issues.

You too need help though- you’ll need to learn how to forgive and trust again and learn to explain how hurt you are. You should probably have a few sessions on your own as well as couples.

I wish you the best. And goodluck.

Post # 6
8884 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I think he needs help, serious help. It seems that everyone he’s loved and trusted has hurt him and deserted him, except you.

From what you’ve said, he’s been a great boyfriend and loves you so much. Has he even given you any other reason to doubt his love for you? He is completetly lost right now and probably feels very alone. Please don’t leave him, stand by him. He needs that one person he loves to be with him while he goes through therapy.

Post # 7
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It sounds like he really has a LOT of issues that he needs to work through before he can be a present and reliable partner, honestly. I know you care about him but I think that it would be better for you to leave now and let him figure this stuff out on his own. That’s what I would tell any good friend who came to me with this same situation.

Post # 10
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Wowsers you have a very interesting lovelife and story….I honestly don’t think what he did the first few months of dating you was cheating….when you are in a new relationship unless expressively stated that you will be exclusive it is not cheating…..based on your reasoning all porn that he views will be considered cheating?  I don’t think Porn is cheating….albeit his personal choices were questionable….but to each his own….I do believe both of you need therapy if you are going to work through this…..

Good Luck to you.

Post # 11
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would break up for at least a few years. This doesn’t sounds like something he can deal with in any less time. Ugh, I’m sorry. At least you found out before getting married.

Post # 12
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Pilgrim192:  If you decide to stand by him you will need to work through your own feelings of betrayal as well.  I can imagine that part is very difficult.  But you could have discovered much, much worse than what you found.  At least everything is now out in the open and all the cards are on the table.  At least you now know what you’re dealing with and that is a step in the right direction.

I hope after a little while you’ll be back with some happy news for us.  I also hope if you give him another chance he does everything in his power to live up to your trust.  You seem like a very kind and forgiving person, and he is very, very lucky to have you.  Some women would have left and never looked back, but you’re following your heart, even though it’s difficult.


Post # 13
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’d be out. You’re not just committing to the person, you’re committing to the life – and this life has way more baggage and crazy than I’d willing go into. Everyone has stuff, and some of it comes up down the line, but I wouldn’t CHOOSE to place myself into this life.

You can still be a support if you really feel like you want to, but I personally would be cautious on that too. You’re probably a better person than me, but my experience is that your life tends to take on similarities to those around you, and that’s just a level of drama and heartache I wouldn’t want.

I’m a pretty “cut ties while I still can” type of person though. So take that as you will.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Post # 14
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m sorry you are going through this.  It sounds like he is extremely embarrassed by what has happened.  His ego was obviously bruised b/c of the lack of “good women” out there.  And he was “hiding” it to make you not see his addiction.  I’ve seen a lot of nice guys get caught up in this kind of stuff….mainly b/c of how bad another woman treated them.  

I think your Boyfriend or Best Friend cares very much about you that he’s willing to get the help he needs.  You now know all his secrets and he’s still willing to try….that’s pretty big for a guy IMO.  

I don’t think it will be easy for you…you do need counseling too in order to trust him fully.  There’s no doubt in my mind that you both love each other but do you love each other enough to work through this together?  That’s something you’ll need to decide for yourself.  ((HUGS))

Post # 15
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I honestly don’t know what I would do in this situation. But it honestly seems like it took him so long to open up because…well, his past is crazy. It seems like he is genuinely ready to move on, and is making the right moves. Whether you should be a in a relationship right now, I really don’t know how to answer that. I think as long as you both do individual and couples counseling, you could probably get through this. It sounds like he is a good man, he’s just had so many things happen, that he feels defective, and tried all the wrong ways to fix it. He CAN change, and it really seems like he is working towards being able to love himself again.

My husband and I started out crazy, there is a lot of history, and we didn’t treat each other right. We stayed together, and worked it out, and I am thankful every day that we did, because he is more than I ever thought I could want in a man. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. And honestly, if I had to go through it all again to get to where I’m at, I would in a heartbeat. Every obstacle we overcame together made us stronger. I think you can get there, as long as you both work at it.

((HUGS)) PM me if you need to talk more

Post # 16
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

It sounds like he is super messed up right now and needs to focus on himself. I would move out. Then I would take dating out of the equation for a few months. Still be friends, but no sex. He needs to focus on himself and he can’t do that if he is worried about you and what you think or feel. Of course he should continue with therapy and you should go to individual too. But no couples counseling because again, he needs to put all his energy into figuring himself out. 

I think you guys can work this out, but only if you don’t try to fix the relationship while trying to work on your own stuff.

Good Luck!

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