My boyfriend was going to purpose to me in 3 months from now….17 days ago, something happened that changed everything. We’ve been together one year.
- After about a month of dating, my boyfriend said to me: “I’d love you even if you had a penis” At the time, I didn’t think much of it. I thought that meant he must REALLY love me.
- Then, after moving in with him, I found a shemale porn video. He said it belonged to his ex-wife.
- Everytime I tried talking about his ex with him, he just said she went crazy after she had a misscarriage. She started partying and he had to pick her up from jail. She hit him a lot (I know this is true because he flinches sometimes when he thinks I’m going to hit him although I never have) Then he left her. This struck me as odd, because ususally you don’t divorce someone just because they are struggling emotionally. If I tried to get more details he’d start crying or get really angry. He made me promise not to bring it up again. *years prior to the miscarriage, she arraged a threesome with another woman and they wore strap-ons and he mostly watched. He told her he wanted a threesome but she completely surprised him with it and I believe he felt uncomfortable with how it all happened* He was always faithful to her…
- After moving in, I had access to his computer, but I never needed to use it. I’d log on from time to time to print something and noticed that he had all these privacy locks so I couldn’t see history or anything.
17 days ago I found that he was watching porn online. My gut told me to start digging through his stuff…The next morning, I started researching. I broke into his emails and facebook. I found nothing relating to shemales or men. In fact, he was emailed by several women but he always replied with “I have a best friend, her name is (MY NAME), I love her so much.” or something like that. Always loyal. I did find photos of nude women that were emailed to him prior to our meeting one another. I started acting distant from him. I was scared that he was gay.
I found that he was a member of a website where you meet people for sex…a match.com
for sex (the profile had been deactivated). Then, I found his external hard drive and plugged it in…this is when it gets bad…I found tons of nude photos of women. I found a few nude photos of shemales and transexuals. The majority of the porn videos were of transexual/shemales. There was even transexual porn photos downloaded one month after I met him (nothing since then).
I quickly packed my things. I put a deposit down for an apartment and left without telling him what I found (he was at work). He texted me during the day and said he really needed to talk to me about some things and he had a letter for me.
Tuesday PM: I answered his call and tried to lie and say I was with a friend for the night (unlike me), but couldn’t and told him I was leaving him. He started crying. Telling me how much he cared for me and loved me. He offered to quit his job and move to be with me (he makes a 6 figure salary). I told him I couldn’t be what he was looking for because I am not a man. I told him that I saw everything on his computers. He told me he had to tell me about his ex wife but he was embarressed. Finally he told me what happened:
She cheated on him with a transexual. She tried to make him have a threesome with the transsexual and he wouldn’t. He moved out and started seeing a new girl and then his wife slept with her too. Then his wife slept with his boss. This is why his boss was fired and his wife was transferred to California. She also hit him so bad once that he went to the hospital.
The next woman he dated turned out to be seriously anorexic and alcoholic. So he had to leave her. The next date he went on was with a woman who exposed her breast to the bartender on their first date (they went for drinks) and so he went home. He was on the “adult version of match.com
” for porn only. He felt like there was something wrong with him and no one wanted him and he couldn’t attract a good woman.
He said he has photos and porn of shemales and tranns because he thinks they are better than him because his wife left him for that. He thinks he’s not good enough (same core belief as me).
I told him to see a phsychologist (he saw a psychiatrist before but they didn’t work with him, just gave him pills). He started seeing one twice this past two weeks. I also told him we need to see a couples therapist.
Wednesday: I went to the apartment while he was at work and got the letter. He wrote it before he knew that I found out everything. It said that he wanted to talk to me about his past and asked me to be open-minded as he was so embarrassed of what happened.
I came back to him and he threw out everything. Old wedding photos, emails. everything. I then found another e-mail account with more…stuff. so he sat down and told me everything:
-he met a woman for sex that he met online several years ago.
-he would chat with anyone who would talk to him (men, women, couples, shemales) but he got most attention from shemales.
-He met with a transexual but couldn’t get hard. He felt awkward and they tried but he just couldn’t, so he left.
-he joined a transsexual singles website and sent hate mail.
-He would webcam with women.
This all happened before he met me…The things that hurt the most, above all this other shit is what happened when we were together…
-one month after meeting he said he loved me. yet he emailed a couple that wanted to chat for sex. He also was on skype with a woman for 20 minutes – I obviously don’t know what was said. he said they just flirted. He also told a girl on facebook that he was still single…
-3 months after meeting he emailed a girl and called her babe and sent her hugs and kisses.
-I can’t see past January on Yahoo chat, but in Feb, he chatted with one of the former girls that he cyber sexed, but nothing sexual was said…nothing at all sexual. LAST month he send a smiley face to another girl he used to cyber with but she never responded.
After he told me all this (it took him HOURS to get the nerve to speak…he’s ashamed), he said, “I know your leaving, but please take my computer. I don’t need it anymore. I don’t want temptation.” Clearly, he wants to change for himself, not just for me-a very good sign.
I’m still here, but I am not sure what to do. I know that, deep down, he feels unworthy and defective. His dad left him, his wife called him ugly and fat and cheated on him with a tranny, a woman and his boss…of course he’s got issues. The thing is, I know he wants to change. I know he loves me. Since this has happened, he’s seeing a psychologist (whos also a couples therapist), he’s deleted ALL his email accounts and opened a new one (to which I have the password), he’s packing up his computer to ship it away to his mom, he’s deleted facebook (for the next 7 months) and I have the password to it as well. He’s taking friday off and we are going to a beach for the weekend to just be together. I have access to his work phone/computer and personal phone (he can lose his job for this). He’s let me see all his bank accounts… He’s agreed to not have a personal computer at home EVER, except my computer-which he can use with my permission. He has a work computer but it’s extremely monitored.
I’ve met all his friends and family and spend time with his boss as well. What do you guys think? I’m just so fearful that he’ll do this again. But he is doing all I ask him to do…
I’m just so hurt…he’s lied to me for so long. I know he didn’t want to tell me because he was scared I’d leave him…but we have to be open and honest!!! He promised me that he only had eyes for me, loved me, and would never cheat. He promised he had no secrets!!!! I’ve told him all mine!!!
How bad is this? I mean, he didn’t physically cheat…and it seemed to have stopped after the first three months of dating. Except for the logging in to yahoo chat…that continued. but I couldn’t see any chats past januaray (so I don’t know if there were more) and the ones I saw weren’t sexual. except, last month he sent that smiley face…ill never know what would’ve come from that.
ps- our sex life is AMAZING. I’ve had an orgasm everytime for the past year as has he. I think this is more about him feeling like he’s not good enough than about sex.