Cheating and affairs make your marriage stronger?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6740 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I read that earlier today and it just seems like that woman is unhappy and trying to fool herself. seemed like an awful situation!

Post # 3
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t read the whole thing but the author is obviously insane. To think that a marriage based on infedelity is somehow stronger than mine, where both parties are loyal to each other, is absolutely fucking nuts. Me thinks this chick is just making excuses for being a terrible person. They do not have a stronger marriage, not by a long shot. 

I have friends in broken marriages. Their husbands or wives have cheated and had full fledged affairs. They pretend to have these perfect relationships but it’s bullshit. You do not cheat on someone that you love and respect and you cannot have a successful marriage without those two components. 

Post # 4
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I can’t even read this. Why even give a voice to this crazy article? lol

Post # 5
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I do not agree that you can’t love and respect someone that you have cheated on. Shit happens, its more about what happens after, do you care and work to fix whatever the problem is? I can tell you that things can be a lot stronger than they were before the incident. And i honestly find it hard to believe the love was real if it is easy to toss out an entire relationship for one fuck up, but hey we all have our dealbreakers. 

Post # 7
Member
7259 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Absolutely insane. She doesn’t even really sound happy in their situation anyway. She makes it sound like she cheats because he cheats, and vice versa. She sounds pretty pathetic to me.

The more I think about it, the less okay I am with our lifestyle, so I’ve become pretty good at shutting down that part of my brain.” Sounds healthy.<br />

Post # 8
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

While I wouldn’t personally engage in or endorse this structure of relationship, I just wanted to chime in and say that judging what works or doesn’t work in someone else’s relationship isn’t necessary.

Honestly… I really don’t care what she and her husband do.

Post # 9
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Vitana:  (Im speaking in general, I did’t read the article)  True people may very well say that. Your key words there were “having there needs met”. You can still love and respect someone without having all of your needs met, that is usually why cheating happens. Which is why I don’t think it is fair to judge an entire relationship and someones love for another person based off the fact of cheating as the sole reason, particularly if it is not an ongoing thing. The part I said about fixing would be about making sure each others needs get met from there on out. Lack of love is not the reason a lot of the time. 

 

I feel its a mistake like any other, the circumstances matter just like anything else. How a person chooses to deal with it is on them. An automatic dismissal of the relationship is not always the answer. Quite frankly thinking your relationship is better or stronger because no one ever cheated (that you know of) is Bullshit. I’m not saying that those that survived cheating/ an affair are better or stronger either. Those that think there relationship is better are delusional, it’s just like beleiving your kids are cuter/smarter/ more talented/ and flat out better than everyone else. TO YOU that is probably true. Reality is get off your high horse, because your poo stinks too. lol. 

 

 

Vitana This was not all directed to you don’t take offense

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  .
Post # 10
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Vitana:  I couldn’t do it.  That’s not a marriage to me.  I also just couldn’t hop into bed with someone who’s just been with someone else.  Blech. 

I also wonder how this is ultimately going to play out for her.  This is sexist as hell but as they both age, he’s probably going to be able to continue to get stuff on the side while it may get harder for her.  But who knows?  She skanks around with married men she works with so I guess if you’re giving it away, you can always find a taker. 

But if her prospects dwindle and his don’t, I doubt she’s going to continue to be so cool with their arrangement. 

Post # 11
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Just no… Cheating does not solve or improve anything. It is the work that both parties do in order to fix their issues that improves the relationship. If there is cheating going on, then something is already wrong cheating is sort of a bandaid; it is a temporary relief of the problem. Sometimes the cheater goes right back to cheating because they truly don’t care and think the relationship is worth risking. There are many reasons for cheating and none of them is to become closer to the person that they are cheating on. I did not bother to read the article because I know it is a bunch of garbage. 

Post # 12
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I could never feel strong and secure in a relationship which was based on lies and deceit.

That said, FI and I have experimented with including other people in the past.  We felt comfortable enough to try it and it was a test to us of our communication and resolve.  It was also a mutual decision.  We ultimately decided that it wasn’t for us and we are still young and exciting enough to be purely pleased by each other, but I definitely feel we were stronger after those encounters, I can’t explain it but we both felt more secure and sure of each other.  We have discussed the possibility of at any point feeling that we need something external in our marriage, we will discuss it and work something out.  It probably helps that both of us feel that you can have sex without love.  I believe you can’t “reconnect” without being apart and that our love runs deeper than a one night stand ever would.  I would never accept it as a regular occurance like this woman, but if after 10 years of marriage my DH had issues that our sex life had waned, he needed to feel desired rather than loved etc then I would definitely be open to giving him a “hall pass” for a night.  I do believe it’s natural for people to desire other people no matter how in love they are, and if you aren’t allowed to have something you always want it more.  I just want him to be happy, as he does me.

I don’t believe what I described above to be cheating.  As someone whose been cheated on in the past (by an ex) the lies and the betrayal hurt far more than the physical act.  These two people lie to each other all the time, I could never live like that. 

Post # 13
Member
7259 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

 At first, it was incredibly volatile. After not hearing from him for an evening, I’d go ballistic. He’d refuse to engage, saying he had nothing to apologize for. We yelled about cheating — he’d do it, I’d do it, we’d be furious with each other. But eventually, I realized this dynamic wouldn’t change. One of us would always act out if cheating was against the rules.”

This sounds like a couple who should never have married each other in the first place. It’s funny how cheating was clearly a problem in both of their eyes, so instead of walking away from an unhealthy relationship or using any kind of communication skills, they decided to just not talk about it instead. It’s kind of like how kids cover their eyes and think you can’t see them just because they can’t see you.

Post # 15
Member
7259 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Vitana:  Yeah, she talked about how she wants to feel wanted. Maybe if she had a husband who wanted her, she wouldn’t be so keen on looking outside of her marriage for that feeling.

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